S.LIZ
@slizagna
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unreliable narrator. musician. skeeball champion. earth worm rescuer. litter patrol. stream my album alt: @slizbutsecret ($20 for strangers) Venmo: slizagna
Portland, OR
Joined August 2020
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Today I released my debut album and I couldn’t be more proud. The link is in my bio. Please stream and share it far and wide, it would mean the world. 🖤
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resume tips I have learned as a recruiter at a fortune 100 company (targeted towards college students), a thread:
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woman: aw he’s so cute
me: thanks he’s a rescue
my boyfriend: stop telling people that
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“what if your mom had aborted you” then I wouldn’t be having this stupid fucking conversation
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me waiting for the gynecologist after they told me to undress from the waist down 20 minutes ago
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“I would love to get tattoos but my parents would kill me” you are 25. please go get a tattoo and then go to therapy.
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every time I send an email with no exclamation points I am just a tough lil guy. so stern. so brave.
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I love icebreakers they really give me time to anxiously reflect on what the most fun fact about me is while I don’t listen to anyone else at all
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Decorated this tiny nook at the top of my stairs and have yet to use it because the space is always occupied
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every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
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I found out I was allergic to latex in the worst way possible and yes it's exactly what you think
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C-3PHoe
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5. Don't put your job responsibilities, focus on what you have accomplished, and things you can quantify. If you worked in retail, don't put "assisted customers," instead say something like "assisted 60+ customers per day, praised by management for excellent service"
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4. Your resume should be saved in PDF FORMAT I WILL SHOUT THIS FOR DAYS. If you submit in word format, it WILL get fucked up and be hard to read. Save it as a PDF or don't waste your time formatting.
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my boss has interrupted our meetings multiple times because she has to go outside to feed the ravens. she always comes back five minutes later with some ominous shit like “you need to befriend them or they’ll turn against you.” like ok get it girl. cawcaw. build that bird army.
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Kim Kardashian has purchased the Lizzie McGuire Movie igloo dress for $1.2 million, TMZ reports.
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employers after they give you a meditation app and an article on reducing stress:
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1. Don't put your address, or location. No one is sending you mail. The only thing it is used for is to see if we have to pay to relocate you. If you are applying for roles out of state, don't put your address.
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I tried to transfer $1800 from Venmo to my bank account and they didn’t transfer it, but registered it as transferred. I contacted support and they said I should get an email in 7 days.
@Venmo
robbed me of $1800 and there isn’t even a number I can call I am literally sobbing
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“I can see your nipples through your shirt.” Okay??? you’re welcome
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7. ALSO, save your resume as your first and last name, not resume. When its saved on your computer, its the only resume. When it is saved on mine, it is Resume (47) and I will never be able to find it.
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when the doctor
hits ur knee with $600
that lil hammer
🤝
Stimulus check
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Due to a few extra questions I want to add:
- resume should always be under a page unless you have at LEAST 10+ years of experience.
- a resume is to get an INTERVIEW. Not a job. Think about what info you need to include to get them interested enough to give you a call. ☺️
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8. My final tip. You should tailor your resume to the job you are applying to, and change key words to match those you see in the job description to assist AI in searching. Jobs get over a thousand applications most of of the time, and AI is used to pare down.
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6. for the love of GOD include your graduation date. If we have to guess when you graduate, you won't get hired. Don't put 2016-present. We don't know how long you are going to take please please please put your graduation date.
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Bonus tip: Don't waste your time on a cover letter unless you have the name and email of the hiring manager/recruiter, and can send it to them directly. Cover letters should be unique to each position, so don't waste your time unless you are CERTAIN someone will read it.
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I sent my best friend flowers as a thank you for planning my bachelorette party and she opened the box and there was a lizard in it. there is now a lizard loose in her house. she cannot find him.
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2. Unless you have a unique objective statement, don't include one. We know your objective is to get an internship/job. That's why you're applying.
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3. Unless your GPA is 3.6+, don't include it. The only thing it does is discount you and lower your chances of being selected over higher GPA candidates
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Unfortunately I can’t answer all individual questions. If you’re looking for tailored resume help, please support this black-owned business and wonderful team of resume writers/consultants based in Jacksonville Florida.
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@drivingmemadi
I learned intrusive thoughts are not something you should engage with or fight, you just have to accept that they will come from time to time and even though they make you feel shitty, acknowledge them as not real, and let them pass through your mind like rude houseguests lmfao
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@bsamansour
if someone hasn’t hired/been hired in the last 5 years DONT take their resume advice. It’s outdated 😷
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me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
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it’s my dog’s birthday and my mom sent her a video because my dog loves my mom/always recognizes her voice and look🥺
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Healthcare worker said he liked my shirt, while in line getting my first dose of the covid vaccine. I imagine he would.
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anyone who calls women emotional has never seen a straight man watch their football team lose
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Lady Antebellum said “let’s get rid of this racist name and instead steal the name of a black artist and then sue her for it”
The court denied Anita ‘Lady A’ White's request to dismiss the band’s suit, and proceedings will begin in Tennessee if the two parties cannot settle by next year.
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I cannot stress enough please do not be this dumb. Use protection just make sure you aren’t allergic. Also stay out of my dms with this bullshit I literally do not know you.
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this is not a knock on people afraid of their parents, it’s definitely your parents fault and I’m sorry as fuck but live your dreams bestie and work through that childhood trauma while ur at it💖
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@thebiggestyee
Guy took off my shirt and said “I love boobies” and I still had sex with him and that’s on me
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I literally need that money like how is this legal it’s almost 2 grand
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what happens if someone goes to drop off a baby and there’s another baby in there
This drop box for infant babies will start appearing a lot more in red states
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people are acting like Logan Paul broke into their house and stole the last gameboys to ever exist to make this table
first epoxy resin project… GameBoy Colors & a metal Pokémon frame made for a nice little tabletop 😮
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my brother asked my grandma if she liked the new nicki Minaj song I’m SCREAMING
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Apple cracked down harder on gun control than the United States government
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I have to drive my cats 11 hours over the next two days and I don’t want to cage them so I went to extreme lengths to make them a catbitat with a screen window for air flow and wrapping wallpaper
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It’s always Scooby-doooby-do where are you? And not Scooby-dooby-do how are you? 😔
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me: hello sharks, today I am looking for a $500,000 investment for a 50% stake-
woman: ma’am this is an aquarium
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I invented this new thing I’d like to call “package week.” it’s where I get really depressed/lack impulse control and buy a lot of things online and then they all show up in the same 7 day span. it’s like a second, extended Christmas for the mentally ill.
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I have had the same Venmo and banking info for years so I’m just going to crawl into a hole and die
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I see a task and I think "that task is really easy, it will only take fifteen minutes. That won't take me long at all. I've basically already done it. The task is done. No need to worry about the task" and I don't get anything done, ever
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bragging about your amazing boyfriend, to breaking up, to telling the world how trash he actually was pipeline
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my mom doesn’t drink alcohol EVER bc she doesn’t like the taste so we got her a strawberry daiquiri. there was a lot of rum at the bottom so my dad tried to drink all of it out for her and when he handed it back to her he called it a born again virgin strawberry daiquiri
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To the artist who designed the pride month NYPD police cars that say ACAB on the side: magnificent
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I have a guy friend who is really into all sports and one time I saw a funny interview of Nikola Jokic and sent it to him asking who he was. Now we exclusively send Jokic content to each other even though I’ve never watched a single one of his games and I think that’s beautiful
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this dude just stole my free thread about writing resumes and used it to advertise his stupid scam website
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therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
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when I was a kid I used to get a sticker when I went to the doctor. as an adult, I would like to know why this practice has ceased. I deserve a sticker way more than an 8 year old. so sad little billy has to get a flu shot. I have to pay RENT. at least give me my dinosaur sticker
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going on a ski trip with my fiancé and 14 of his friends next weekend and personally I think it should be illegal to have that many friends. you need 3 max. 4 if we’re pushing it.
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When I’m drunk I suddenly remember that it’s so much faster to get places when you run so you’ll just see me in a mini dress booking it down 32nd at 2AM
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that’s crazy I didn’t know murdering a dogs owners and then stealing it qualified as rescuing.
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@SaeedDiCaprio
this happened to me too and we’re actually friends now. he doesn’t send me money anymore which idgaf about but it was so nice to have at the time.
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I know there are many circumstances where you can’t just go get a tattoo. this is a joke. it’s not that deep. However everyone should go to therapy because it is good for your well being.
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one time I wiped out SO hard on a bird scooter that a man stopped his car and got out to ask if I was okay and I said yes, like a liar
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@abbygov
I genuinely can’t imagine the thought process you go through to send this message to someone. telling you to not feel or share your emotions because thousands of people decided to follow you, and that somehow makes you responsible for being sensitive to everyone’s feelings???
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The feminism leaving my body when they reinstate the draft for WWIII
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“I can drive stick” wow. that’s amazing, caveman. I’ll let you know if I get trapped in 1950.
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she also hates long flights because she can’t have a cigarette so she truly is a whole ass mood
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Also can I just say the way the internet has come together to rage against a major corporation on my behalf warms my heart😌💗
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