EMMA
@sis_iud
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1,477
Following
353
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361
Statuses
6,316
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Big fan of the beach but have been wary since i watched the biopic “jaws” recently
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Sapiosexuals be like, can i get a photo of you with your graduation cap on and one without it on? Can i also get three different pictures of you holding your parchment in any position? Also, can i get a just a normal pic of you with your graduating class and one with your profess
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This ruined my life i got raided by the police for having a firearm without a licence
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@shakiraenjoyer
@glamdemon2004
I know plucking out that wedgie gotta hurt something different
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I just told a lady at work i love her and then she sent me porn on the work email and got fired
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can i get a pic of you smiling and one where you felt happy? How about one with your teeth showing and one with them not? Can i see you looking into the camera with a burning lust for life? How about one in your favourite place wearing your favourite outfit? Can i see you with yo
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Just found out my reply guys arent solely replying to me, its literally so hard being a woman
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40 year old tradie on the train answered the phone to his misso and his tradie friend starts sayin Come back to bed babe in a girl voice
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No one has ever fumbled me because i am really forgiving and kind and i will be in your life forever and i am not leaving and i am still here and i am right here hi
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My friends dad told me if i ever drive while high i should keep peanut butter in my car to put in my mouth before i have to do a saliva drug test. on another note he lost his licence from getting too many DUIs
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Sorry for being horny on the tl recently i have a disease called being fertile and single
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2022 felt like 365 days long and i swear we went through all the seasons over what i can only describe as 12 months
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Cant stop Crying at work cause a man wont stop talking to me about video games , im a girl, im a girl!!!!!!
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@hootietheeowl
@badnaomibad
Came to say this too lol the other week someone died and she posted so much abhorrent stuff that wasnt even slightly funny
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Im 26 and today i made a yummy sandwich
Paul Thomas Anderson was 26 years old when he directed Boogie Nights, which was released in theaters 26 years ago on this day.
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Me, texting my one night stand: last night was a movie
Me, 10 mins later: sorry i meant to say music video
Me, 13 mins later: a gorillaz music vido
Me, 15 mins later: video*
- the next day -
Me: specifically gorillaz running and farting *unable to send message*
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I don’t have a gun and wasn’t raided sorry I’m addicted to lying and editing photos on my competer
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Guy at AA be like they didnt care who i was until i took out the flask
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I'm over here jumping over my candlestick I got fire on my candlestick right now. I'm just jumping over my candlestick I'm quick as fuck man I'm a nimble man like for real
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[someones standing on the ledge of a building]
hey, i think know that guy,
[emt hands me a megaphone]
gavin, get down from there. Your smoke too tough. Your swag too different. Your bitch too bad.
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Big fan of being in bed but have been wary since i had a scary dream in here the other night
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just realised how easy it would be to get married and have kids if i said things like chonky pupper and i love you
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my reverse psychologist said she was really unhappy to see me today and that i should be ashamed of myself for getting out of bed this morning
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*sitting at my desk, 25 minute timer goes off, i get up, stretch my back, my arms, i open my drawer and take out three rubber balls, i juggle beautifully for five minutes straight, another timer goes off, i put the balls away, i sit down at my desk*
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Drive thru restaurant where they take photos of you like youre on a rollercoaster that you can purchase with your meal
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Guys often go through various phases when following me on here,
Phase 1: infatuation, my looks pull you in, my posts entice you
Phase 2: confusion, you dm me and i cant hold a conversation, you enter
Phase 3: irritation, i annoy you my presence is nauseating and
Phase 4: unfollow
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Aha no i dont have a valentine, aha its so fine though like..its just a day it doesnt matter haha
20 minutes later
🔎 can i legally marry randy marsh
🔎 how to marry a cartoon character
🔎 randy marsh naked
🔎 bpd dsm-5
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@chiweethegod
Its a bit sad the crowd didnt go crazy for fhat, i wouldve been hooting and hollering and maybe even shed a tear 👍
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*eating a bag of mini m&ms at 9pm when i have to go to bed at 9:30pm* ok so did anyone else feel the vibe shift just now
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You Too Can Have A Viral Tweet! Download Below Image And Get It Started. Background Suggestions: Shopping Mall, Airport, Children’s Birthday Party, Concert. Freak Out Your Family And The Local Police For 15K Likes On Twitter!
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They should make it illegal to be that beautiful *blows you a wet sloppy kiss and my front tooth falls out, i wink and smile, i dont mind the blood staining my skin at all*
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If youre having minion or da bob problems i feel bad for you son i got 99 problems and minion or da bob aint one
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Whenever a girl interacts with me on here it feels like christmas morning
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Smoking on that shit tha *my lung collapses* smerking orn thar sher tha may marv *coughing up blood* smarking orn ther shirt thur may marvan gaye
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Drink water chew nicotine gum don’t wear sunscreen other than on your face hold your pee have sex once a year work out as little as possible isolate yourself from family and friends drive a stick shift cut your toe nails every two months get a shit haircut kill yourself
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Really sorry for not understanding what being gay meant when i was 10 and making a chart with the words Gay, Gayer, and then my dads full name as the most gay, and showing it to him proudly, then him cancelling on taking me to the cinema
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Does anyone want to start dating five years ago and get engaged now so we can have our wedding in one year and have a child in two, maybe three years?
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If youre sober and miss having a hangover you can eat 3,000,000 m&ms before bed and get 4 hours sleep. Its pretty much. The same
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When a guy asks a girl to hang out he means it as friends and when a girl asks a guy to hang out she means it as a sex
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You call that “jacking off”? *puts on a chainmail glove and i do my thing on your member* now thats “jacking off” *you die probaly*
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Found this from when i was 10..so ive been using the same flirting tactics for 15 years and dealing with haters..wow
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congrats to me for finishing my first short story in months. not sharing cause its shit but i did it. thank you world
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If i was a scientist i would make shampoo taste good and remove the burning flavour
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Lady at work told me i can ask her if i ever have any questions about sex. Im 25
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When i was 17 i did acid for the first time and i got banned on facebook for commenting on every single photo on a budget cosmetic tattoo page at 2am saying that i want to punch each person that attended their clinic probably 200 times
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Ive never been horny for anything other than love affection and adoration
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mafia boss looking at a photo of me: *smoking a cigar* she...needs to be taken care of *stubs the cigar out on my face*
new mafia member: on it boss *cares for me as a doe would her fawn, providing me with a loving home for the rest of my days*
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Drunk australian women complimenting her drunk crying friend: i think yor unreol
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ai, create a photo of a baby smoking weed. lol. now make it hit the quan. nice. how about one of boss baby standing next to alec baldwin. haha. okay now alec baldwin has a gun. right. so the gun is meant to have blanks, have him shoot at boss baby, take some creative liberty here
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sorry. i can’t come out tonight. i’m just not in the right head space to serve. i really feel like i’m not eating. nothing about me is giving. please, slay for me.
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i gave you 10 hits of my vape. he gave you 20. you felt he was better because he gave you more, when he had 200 hits left but all i had was 10
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Im drunk and i just accidentally said to my 60 year old coworker that i want to pick her up like a baby and shake her around
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[sports announcer watching a streaker] wait a minute- he’s- he’s just taken it all off- the whole kit and caboodle. He’s stark naked- are we all seeing this right now? Can we get a shot of his dick above his balls and one below? How about his balls in three different positions?
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I’m on your page and i’m searching gf, girlfriend, girl friend, wife, fiance,
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