“Open wide. Here comes the airplane.” . — King Kong’s Mom teaching him to eat airplanes.

It’s nice that they’re letting you know which medication the manager is taking.

Did you know that if you hold a pasta shell up to your ear, you can hear the Italian coastline?.

RT @_NatalieWould: Sorry I can't help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes.

Pumping Iron (1977).Dir. George Butler, Robert Fiore

And if a double decker bus .Crashes into us,.Why did we.Look the wrong way.Before we crossed the street?.

Me and the crew tried to outpizza the Hut last night and we paid the price. RIP Panhandle and Chas.

My rebooted horror franchise is almost entirely funded by advertising money and product placement. Please enjoy The Hills Have Clear Eyes.

Still checking and sorting through the leftovers from July 4th. My bald eagle sandwiches were not the big hit I thought they would be.

Doing a KC/D-backs same game parlay today. If Ketel Marte gets 2 extra base hits. And Salvador Perez drops his glove into a vat of cooking oil in the 3rd inning. And Bobby Witt Jr. kicks an umpire square in the nuts during the final 1/3 of the game…. I win $275 million.

I'm teaching illegal chemistry classes, and my students can reach me on my Bunsen burner phone.

RT @Quartzjixler: Girl, are you a junk refrigerator left by the curb with the door still attached? Because I want to put a baby in you.

Jacaranda flowers shed from their trees or chunks of Grimace peeling off as a horrific transformation takes place?

RT @EmoPhilips: strangling assassins with a phone cord.

RT @pennymacker: “in the event of a water landing, place the life jacket over your head and swipe your credit card to inflate”.

I remember at one time I was intimidated to meet my favorite Hollywood stars, but then I remembered they put on their $10,000 custom-made Escada jeans one leg at a time, just like everybody else.

Why are there no product placement chainsaws in any of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre movies?.

Stayed recently at an Incel hotel. Excellent turn-down service!.

Number of times I’ve been called “a gentleman and a scholar”: 2. Number of times I’ve been called a “flibbertigibbet”: 0.

Fun Fact: People mistakenly believe Michael Jackson's body was buried. But actually he was cryogenically frozen until scientists can find a cure for childhood loneliness.

The problem with most Hall & Oates tribute bands is their no-can-do attitude.