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Shawn Carlow Profile
Shawn Carlow

@shawncarlow

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Following
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Statuses
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Writer/Producer/Comedian. Kimmel/Deon Cole's Black Box/Fallon. Joke, sketch, script writer. And now book writer -- People of the Titanic, out right now!

Los Angeles
Joined August 2010
Don't wanna be here? Send us removal request.
@shawncarlow
Shawn Carlow
7 months
“Open wide. Here comes the airplane.” . — King Kong’s Mom teaching him to eat airplanes.
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@shawncarlow
Shawn Carlow
2 hours
"That reminds me, I must remember to visit the blood bank tonight. My manse in Dark Lair is running critically low on O-neg."
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@shawncarlow
Shawn Carlow
1 day
It’s nice that they’re letting you know which medication the manager is taking.
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@shawncarlow
Shawn Carlow
2 days
Did you know that if you hold a pasta shell up to your ear, you can hear the Italian coastline?.
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@shawncarlow
Shawn Carlow
3 days
RT @_NatalieWould: Sorry I can't help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes.
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@shawncarlow
Shawn Carlow
3 days
Pumping Iron (1977).Dir. George Butler, Robert Fiore
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@shawncarlow
Shawn Carlow
4 days
And if a double decker bus .Crashes into us,.Why did we.Look the wrong way.Before we crossed the street?.
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@shawncarlow
Shawn Carlow
5 days
Me and the crew tried to outpizza the Hut last night and we paid the price. RIP Panhandle and Chas.
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@shawncarlow
Shawn Carlow
6 days
My rebooted horror franchise is almost entirely funded by advertising money and product placement. Please enjoy The Hills Have Clear Eyes.
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@shawncarlow
Shawn Carlow
7 days
Still checking and sorting through the leftovers from July 4th. My bald eagle sandwiches were not the big hit I thought they would be.
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@shawncarlow
Shawn Carlow
8 days
Doing a KC/D-backs same game parlay today. If Ketel Marte gets 2 extra base hits. And Salvador Perez drops his glove into a vat of cooking oil in the 3rd inning. And Bobby Witt Jr. kicks an umpire square in the nuts during the final 1/3 of the game…. I win $275 million.
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@shawncarlow
Shawn Carlow
9 days
I'm teaching illegal chemistry classes, and my students can reach me on my Bunsen burner phone.
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@shawncarlow
Shawn Carlow
10 days
RT @Quartzjixler: Girl, are you a junk refrigerator left by the curb with the door still attached? Because I want to put a baby in you.
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@shawncarlow
Shawn Carlow
10 days
Jacaranda flowers shed from their trees or chunks of Grimace peeling off as a horrific transformation takes place?
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@shawncarlow
Shawn Carlow
11 days
RT @EmoPhilips: strangling assassins with a phone cord.
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@shawncarlow
Shawn Carlow
11 days
RT @pennymacker: “in the event of a water landing, place the life jacket over your head and swipe your credit card to inflate”.
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@shawncarlow
Shawn Carlow
11 days
I remember at one time I was intimidated to meet my favorite Hollywood stars, but then I remembered they put on their $10,000 custom-made Escada jeans one leg at a time, just like everybody else.
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@shawncarlow
Shawn Carlow
12 days
Why are there no product placement chainsaws in any of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre movies?.
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@shawncarlow
Shawn Carlow
13 days
Stayed recently at an Incel hotel. Excellent turn-down service!.
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@shawncarlow
Shawn Carlow
15 days
Number of times I’ve been called “a gentleman and a scholar”: 2. Number of times I’ve been called a “flibbertigibbet”: 0.
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@shawncarlow
Shawn Carlow
16 days
Fun Fact: People mistakenly believe Michael Jackson's body was buried. But actually he was cryogenically frozen until scientists can find a cure for childhood loneliness.
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