👖Fesshole sponsored by @hebtroco. Buy British-made jeans, shirts & hats 👖. * Add YOUR fess * FESSHOLE LIVE 2025: (Leeds, Diss, Worthing, Liverpool). * BOOK(s): * PODCAST:

I love a cup of green tea with a splash of single cream in it. I asked for cream at my local Chinese restaurant and the look of hurt on their faces astonished me.

Whenever I'm driving behind someone who purposely goes through a close-call red light, I give a quick flash of my lights to make them think they've been caught on camera and a fine will be on its way. Let them worry, stop at red lights.

I once badly pulled a hamstring having a wank. Had to painfully drag tools out of the shed to make out to my wife I did it when starting the gardening.

My wife is cold and distant, her family are emotionally abusive bullies and I'm starting to think I should rethink my plan to keep going for the kids sake. But she just bought a new shower head that's so fucking good I might give need to reconciliation one more go.

Once tried to have sex in a bathroom at a nightclub. Only reason we didn't is because a bouncer had to take a dump and wouldn't stop banging on the door. He did apologise when he realised what he had ruined.

My wife's gone away for a fortnight in the sun so I've decided to re-pave my patio; it'll give the neighbours something to talk about. Nosey cunts.

Not my fess but can't really tell anyone else - my uncle was a vicar and confessed to the family on his deathbed that he had lost his faith decades ago and just carried on for the money and job security. Wondered ever since how common this.

Home from uni for Christmas, got a call just after New Year from my best mate, saw it was him on caller ID, thought it'd be hilarious to answer by screaming down the phone. He was calling to say his dad had just dropped dead in the street.

The programs with the American families making millions of dollars in drug money while running their wholesome businesses are so appealing to me that I spent months researching how to make meth and MDMA. It's not actually that hard to do. Selling it is the hard part.

My friends complain that I've changed since I got married. They think my wife has a hold of me and doesn't let me hang out with them as much anymore. This isn't true. I deliberately choose to spend more time with our Springer Spaniel puppy than them.

Confession time is now. Fill out the form:

When I was pregnant with another child, I saw school mum who's got a child in the same class as my first. I mistakenly thought she was also pregnant & walked up to her pointing to our bellies saying "Ditto!". She was just a bit fat. Ooops.

By the Thames, thought I saw my wife leaning over a railing to look at the water below. I thought I'd recognise that perfectly firm bubble arse anywhere. Walked up & spanked it. Turned out to be a bloke. Fair play to James who saw the funny side & accepted a beer as an apology.

My wife goes nuts at me finding the nails I've bitten off and flicked when she's hoovering so now I've stopped flicking them and instead slightly unzip a sofa cushion cover near me and hide them in there.

When I was around 16 my friends and I went down to our airport to watch a hijacked plane that was sitting on the runway. There were lots of people watching and vans selling ice creams, kebabs, etc. We saw a passenger's body dumped out the door. I'm still ashamed.

I always use my twin's instagram photos on Grindr because he hits the gym way more than me.

Earlier this week I considered being that guy and speaking to my son's school about some of the stuff he's being taught; namely the existence of feminist spiders. Glad I didn't, as long story short, he can't pronounce the word venomous properly.

My sons room stinks so I've hidden 36 Lilly of the vale air fresheners in there which equally stink but at least he knows how I feel now. I've told him I'll remove them when he cleans and de-stinks his room.

Music festival, 2004. Got an AAA pass and got fucked from behind in a trailer by the bass guitarist from a mid-ranking indie band. Found out weeks later that he wasn't even in the band. Still one of the best fucks I've ever had though. Thanks, mystery chancer. 10/10.

My wife makes me and the kids be vegetarian. When she is away at one of her 'Pilates' retreats. I make sure some of Tesco finest are in the fridge. If she is allowed to cheat with a meaty sausage then so are we.