Nicky
@nickturani
Followers
187,736
Following
1,245
Media
370
Statuses
2,335
@barstoolsports @barstoolyak @bracketpod and even an @anus boy. Formerly @barstoolkush ⬜️
Joined November 2014
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Ladies take notes!
Met this girl online YESTERDAY, and she’s already trying to learn more about me, not just hook up. It’s called conversation. Learn it.
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My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
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If your significant other is an essential employee still working, PLEASE remember to be patient with them. I haven’t heard from my girlfriend in 6 days, as she’s been working 24 hour shifts with her manager, Giovanni, at Mattress Firm.
It’s fine. Let them do their job.
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So I’m pretty sure the screaming matches between my parents have been over what type of car they’re surprising me with :)
Just pick one and sleep in the same room again!
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My girlfriend always sends me one hint for what my Christmas gift is. This year, I’m pretty sure I solved it. This girl really has my interests pegged ❤️
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Surprise visit to see my girls apartment for the first time:
1. She already has the toilet seat up for me
2. Turn on the tv: already on ESPN
3. Look in the closet: a man so I can make a new friend.
An accommodating queen!
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Told my tattoo artist that I wanted my back piece to be “one of those big old navy ship sails”.
Furious is an understatement.
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Long distance relationships are so hard, but seeing the look on her face when I take a surprise flight makes it all worth it ❤️
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Walked in on my girls appointment with her new gynecologist, Chet. It’s crazy that he does house calls at 7pm on Sundays, but that work ethic is probably why he’s already a doctor at 21 years old.
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I was going through my girlfriend’s trash again and found out she threw away her IUD without consulting me. That’s what I get for trusting her!
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Boycotting Raisin Bran until they fire their nonsensical, bullshit mascot, Sunny
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NEVER say you’re too old to follow your dreams. My 94 year old grandma always wanted to be a paramedic, and I just pulled up to her house and there’s an ambulance parked right out front!
She finally did it!
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As the old saying goes: “Adam looking to the left side, you’re in for a ride, but Adam looking straight will be a movie you hate”
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I’ve been anonymously photoshopping Sketchers Diameters over sneakerheads actual shoes on Instagram
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A lot of people think the shape of the time zones are based on science, but I cracked the code
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I’m out of town for TWO DAYS and my clumsy ass girlfriend somehow managed to get a hole in the wall behind our headboard, spill glue on the comforter, and make the bed frame wobbly lmaooo
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Happy 5 years baby ❤️ Thank you for the late night talks, good morning texts, and just being real with me 100% of the time. Can’t wait to meet you in person.
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My girl just butt dialed me from her nightly appointment with the chiropractor, and all I hear is her breathing heavy, and a man saying how “tight” and “knotty” she is. Keep it up doc!
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I won “Cleanest Backpack” my junior year of high school and my mom was proud enough to scrapbook it...
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So my uber driver is getting pulled over but he’s not stopping...
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Just found out the girl that has been blatantly flirting with me (held elevator door for me, said sorry when my grandma passed, has normal back and forth conversation with me) has a boyfriend. This is exactly why I cannot trust women.
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She buys the food, I buy the drinks. Modern relationships should be fair
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Hey
@TrojanCondoms
! It’s labeled 6 condoms, but the box I just found hidden in my girlfriends nightstand only contains 3. Packaging ripped too! Refund her please!
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People need to start spending their money on EXPERIENCES like traveling and festivals, instead of wasting it on physical items like groceries or the water bill
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If you BLATANTLY flirt with me (ask how my day was, call me hun, bring me food), don’t act disgusted when I flirt back and ask for your number, or else I’ll never sit in your section of Chili’s again.
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My girlfriend made me stay in the waiting room, but brought her boss, Gideon, back into the exam room. Women make zero sense.
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A quick guide on the subtle differences of male and female Pokémon
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Couldn’t help but to notice that Jason Derulo really DOESN’T say his name that often (not even one of his 10 most used nouns).
But the more he says it, the higher the album typically charts.
I haven’t slept in 4 days.
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EXACT same name as my podcast. There is no way this is coincidental. One of us has to change it and it won’t be me.
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Embarrassing that this is what “style” has become. I wouldn’t be caught dead flirting with a girl dressed like this
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Pretty ridiculous that people waste money on new balloons every year
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Left my number for the waitress that called me “hun” 4 times last week. She’s yet to call me. Why even show interest in the first place??
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Whenever Rob Schneider comes out with a new movie, a major oil spill happens soon after. Very concerning.
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I didn’t believe the hype of AirPods until I actually tried them. The music quality + cordless convenience makes them a must buy in my opinion.
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Lucky Charms should combine the elements of each different marshmallow, into 1 abstract marshmallow. They’d save tons of money, and taste exactly the same.
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Might as well knock out some Christmas gifts for coworkers while I’m in quarantine
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Just snuck a TON of snacks into the theater. How? I will never tell ;)
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It’s been 2 hours, you’d think my girlfriend and the bellhop, Gustavo, would let me back into the room to help them find her lost contact lens.
At least I have my AirPods so I don’t have to hear the ruckus!
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With wedding season fast approaching feel free to print and use this ChaCha Slide cheat sheet to keep up your sleeve when the time comes
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Fellas take notes! My girl was stressed out and needed to unwind. Got a hotel suite just for her to spend some alone time.
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QUARANTINE FEEL GOOD STORY:
My girl has somehow gotten the same
@UberEats
driver, Juan Pablo, 14 nights in a row!
Last night, we even invited him in to watch Gladiator! (They watched, I wanted in the hallway. Hate violence.)
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It might not be the biggest or the nicest, but damn it feels good to call something home. (Yes I know it’s purple, I like it.)
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Woke up to discover an edible arrangement on my kitchen counter from a secret admirer “Chiquita”. Not sure who she is, but I love me a Spanish woman!
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Listening to Dark Side of the Moon in my Barstool Kush shirt that will be 20% on the Barstool Store
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Bringing girls back to your apartment for a hookup is tough when your roommate is always in your room, sleeping in your bed, and wearing the engagement ring you got them
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Waited too long to buy tickets and now the only available seats are in the Kevin section :(
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If my girlfriend ever got pregnant, I would work twice as hard to provide for her, the child, and whomever impregnated her.
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@sweatyhairy
Dude I’ve had some awful luck with women lately, then this angel just waltzes right into my life. Never give up.
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@ZachSvobodny
I got you man. She got me a fantastic deal on the air mattress I’m forced to sleep on in our living room.
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My poor girlfriend has her third straight weekend-long performance review at her manager Emilio’s house. Glad I don’t work at TJ Maxx!
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My poor girlfriend and her coworker, Bryce, have been scheduled for 3 midnight shifts in a row.
My dumbass didn’t even know Kohl’s was open that late.
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Got a chick coming into town to crash with me tonight, and I just found out she has an Android... I’m forreal about to tell her poor ass to turn around.
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No, I don’t let my girlfriend like her guy “friends” photos. It’s not fair for her to be lusting after men that aren’t me.
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Seeing grown ass men pander to kids for retweets is pathetic. It’s like when the teacher gives us homework on a Friday 😡😡
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Lmaoo my dad (owner of local cafe) thought Grindr was an app for coffee bean enthusiasts. He downloaded it, matched with a guy, met him out, and came home the next morning limping (must’ve fought the guy). Mom’s PISSED!
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Star Wars allegiance symbols as Pawn Stars Chumlee goatee styles
A thread 1/64
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Fellas, this one simple trick will improve your dating life tenfold!
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Hello, starting in February I’m going to be working for
@barstoolsports
I’ve wanted this for a REALLY long time and I’m excited to share my work with you all
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Got upset with my girlfriend for cheating on me multiple times - until she informed me that she’s a Sagittarius with her 10th house in Venus, and has Ascendant Parallel Sun (0°25’).
I love her so much.
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So this is how I find out my girl has a booth at the farmer's marker huh?
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Said I’d never use this platform to complain but $26 for a 5 minute uber is ROBBERY.
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It’s perfect
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Made this out of genuine curiosity. Fellas you have $10 to make your perfect urinal.
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Asked my girlfriend if she forgot my birthday again. She said no, ran out to her car and brought back this basket filled with gifts! I feel like such an idiot!
Love you baby girl
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Found my grandpas old bong under his bed and the damn thing almost ripped my lips off!
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So tired of these shallow girls falling for guys just because they are handsome, have a job, good personal hygiene, and can interact with other humans in a normal way.
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People would rather be lazy and complain about issues instead of ACTING UPON THEM.
When I realized my car didn’t have enough cup holders, I resolved the issue by using an extra Fleshlight hands-free 180° shower mount with suction base.
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Girls will ask if I “have protection” like they didn’t see the katana mounted above my bed
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