jared 360
@jardsmard
Followers
831
Following
594
Media
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Statuses
12,811
i own a sixty dollars and it’s at the bank
hello and welcome
Joined May 2009
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Pinned Tweet
hey man wanna come over? i was planning on having a perfect day
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this has gotta be the scariest part of the umbrella for sure
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people are saying i need to clean my shower. the shower is supposed to clean you. dumbasses.
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You have such a stunning son. Do you mind if I draw him from memory when I get home?
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if you're seeing mail trucks out and about today, you're probably asking yourself "mail trucks? but it's saturday". well, mail still gets delivered on saturday. you're probably confusing saturday with sunday - the one day that mail isn't delivered.
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A perfect way to end the week! Looking at some of my favorite photos.
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garbage men should have to come inside my house to get my garbage. i wanna show them some of the cool stuff i got.
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@aseriousmang
@lunch_enjoyer
@willmenaker
dude cmon. goin to dox you for saying this... bergs lives at 123 get-a-life avenue !
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worst part about waking up from a coma is now i got a old wife
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two brothers. one is a redditor, one works on wallstreet... thanksgiving this year is going to be a little awkward!
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been watering my houseplants with milk and now they’re big and strong and sexy and ready to kick my ass
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i just broke the michigan state record for being wise beyond my years
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tiny woman or big donut? most of the time these things are somewhere in between.
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this. this is more meaningful than anything you could find in harry potter twilight or the hunger games
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@shakybrakes
my parents let me do it when they're home so it's fine if i have people over to do it while they're gone
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I'll have one Today's Burger. My son will have a Twenty years ago with fries.
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condiments are for us dreamers who aren't afraid to get a little wet
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you shouldn't have to decide if you like shaggy or scooby more. they're both good.
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If I were a bird i'd have my nest either above a gas station or in a beautiful forest
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if you lined up all of my tweets end to end they would wrap around the pentagon....twice. and then they'd slowly begin to tighten around the pentagon, binding it for 4-5 turns doing significant damage to its HP.
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you know the meijer? yeah, they're turning it in into a kroger. and you know the kroger? yep, it's gonna be a meijer.
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I'm on the right flight. I'm a horse getting shipped across the country. This is exactly where I should be.
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as soon as i walked through the door my wife could tell that i had gotten spanked at work
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they should call this place the chair port with how many damn people are sitting around
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cashier at the grocery store had a better conversation with the people in front of me than he did with me. i'm a fucking failure.
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Them: You'll never finish your caramel apple sucker in the time it takes you to drive to the Honeybaked Ham store
My stubborn ass:
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Are you happy to see me or did you just cast a smile summoning spell?
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@aseriousmang
@lunch_enjoyer
@willmenaker
buddy thats definitely notthe way we play it if you catch my drift
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i'm not pinching my nose because something stinks. i'm pinching it because something smells good and i haven't earned it.
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what if somebody photoshopped Bernie sanders on this picture. think about how hilarious that’d be
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Every organism should have a phone number. I want to text a bird. I want to call a germ. I want to facetime a gremlin.
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@aseriousmang
@lunch_enjoyer
@willmenaker
fella..i know for sure. i’ve been to ur house...ive been playing bunko with your wife
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[turning to face my parents] so are you guys like boyfriend and girlfriend or??
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my dentist doesn't want me to be successful he says i gotta stop grinding haha just kidding just a prank folks just bringing a little joy to your day just some laughs
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I feel like the guys at the phone company fucked up and gave me a girls number instead of a boys number.
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had a dream last night where people kept saying "he was the blueprint"
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i don't give a DAMN if my email is verified. not why i signed up for your website
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