Kylie Brakeman
@deadeyebrakeman
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Comedian actor tv writer (Tonight Show, Kids Tonight Show) reps: WME, brillstein
New York
Joined July 2013
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Pinned Tweet
Welcome to my pinned tweet. Here are some videos
Just overheard some wild phone calls at an LA running spot
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I will be honest with you guys I have no idea how big an acre is
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How soon before BeReal is used as an alibi in a court of law
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Fans of what? The war?
Fans cast Jeremy Renner as Zelensky in fantasy Ukraine invasion film: Too soon?
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nobody’s thinking about that weird thing you said. they’re thinking about a different weird thing you said that you didn’t even clock
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do u think during the Great Depression they were like “ugh the year 1933 am I right”
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you want me to finish a task???? On December 19th???? literally Christmas morning???
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you shouldn’t be able to hold elected office after age 75 sorry
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"omg living in LA sucks" it is literally 72 degrees and there is a place to buy a breakfast burrito 800 feet from wherever you are
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If someone offered you $1,000,000 to watch Star Wars for 1 hour straight…could you?
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Desperately want to hear what sound he's making
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Yeah that’s correct????????
Everyone wants a woman in power until it's a conservative woman in power.
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just a couple of blue check liberals having fun online
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I just like.......if you’re mad at people experiencing homelessness for living in a public park ur a huge loser
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being in a Work Hotel you did not pay for is one of life's greatest joys. roll around in the sheets. take a shower. watch shark tank. every second you're there feels like you're stealing
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I’ve been on Twitter for like 3 hours today and just went to a real party and watched in horror as I felt the phrase “the submarine lost communication at 11:45am and the coast guard was notified at 6:35pm” leave my lips
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Just checked what brand my cool fringe vest was to see if I could resell it and….
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THREAD: as a waiter, here’s a list of things you can do to increase safety when eating at dine in restaurants: (1/11)
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politicians are not your friend, they’re the people you’re supposed to throw tomatoes at until they add a train stop near the baguette store you like
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Started doing science. Feel free to report any data you have
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holy shit holy shit just got a huge opportunity 🙏🙏🙏🙏
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always amazed at how many people on this site have capitalism Stockholm’s syndrome. imagine being furious at the suggestion that people could be paid more for work
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ur right, thanks for bringing this up! The minimum wage should now be $20 an hour
The $15 minimum wage crowd sure is quiet about $6 gas.
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love when people just slap the phrase “socially distanced” on things to make it okay. Socially distanced party. Socially distanced clown car. Socially distanced fuck parade. It means nothing
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“We’re protecting the unborn” you sound like a YA fantasy villain. What the fuck is the unborn
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I went to a random hairdresser yesterday and said “I want to go platinum” and he straight up said “no. I won’t do that to you. I don’t need your money that bad”
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u should be able to schedule send a text. I want to be playing 3 additional minutes harder to get
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okay it's been long enough can we put the headphone jacks back in
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it is truly wild to watch millennials evolve into this the minute the generation below them gets to drinking age
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hahaha thanksgiving 2018 I worked 14 hrs at Buca di Beppo. I only made $250 & we had to stay late so the GM could lead a champagne toast to how much money the corporation made that day
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We will see the Minions usurp Mickey Mouse in our lifetime. Let us pray for a peaceful transition of power
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these fake Amazon employee accounts are getting weird
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Late night talks with someone you love> >> being shot with a gun
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and this is my impression of the girl who got maced
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had the most humiliating moment of my life two weeks ago when I asked the lady at Marshall’s where the clothing section was and she said “so you’re in a bed bath and beyond”
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“tostitos hint of lime?” ummmmmmm ya I got the hint, tostitos. There’s like a lot of lime in here…………….
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omg this is so sad :( so unfortunate that these buildings chose to spend their money on abvcoddoacdo toasost
Manhattan office vacancies the cover story for the next issue of New York magazine
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I am OBSESSED with how inappropriate these puns are for this article
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holy shit there’s more footage of the lady in the trump trials
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wait hold up. Nobody told me javelinas are girls. As in like girlies. MY girlies. Golf courses your days are numbered
i just looked up 'javelina' and let me tell you golf is not winning a PR war against these guys
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having weird symptoms where I’ve been bad at exercise for 25 years do you think it’s COVID
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if the pandemic hit in 2007 this is what our memes would look like
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just a couple of blue check liberals having fun with the election
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fuck I just shit my pants this is exactly like the book 1984
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my favorite thing about these videos is that they all put a man in the background softly going “wow”
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You should be able to filter out the 1 star Yelp reviews that are like “my SERVER refused to accommodate my 13 person party at 8pm despite the fact that I CALLED AHEAD and TOLD them I was a NIGHTMARE”
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A comedians job is NOT to be your moral compass, it is to slip on a pile of loose marbles while shouting “aw jeez”
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I want Barbie to gain prestige role status where people let you become insane to play her. like the joker but for women
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So does the paralyzing fear of being pushed onto the subway tracks by a stranger go away after awhile or am I just ill and none of you think about that
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a crypto guy replying “Elon please do something about getting ratio’d” is so unbelievably on the nose i can’t believe someone actually typed it out and pressed send
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me signing a PDF document: this is exactly like the tv show succession
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If you’re bored, they’re bored: take your cat to six flags
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sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior....I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time
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I got the vax and looks like the microchip has already hacked my bloodstream
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⚠️ It’s time to PeeReal⚠️ (you have two minutes to piss yourself)
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cigarettes for dogs next question
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My bad. Didn’t know about the foot stuff, will go back to church
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if everyone were legally required to work in a restaurant for one year maybe some of you wouldn’t Act Like That
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if you’re trying to access farmville STAY IN LINE!!!!!!!!!
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baby are you okay? I’ve been trying to contact you about your vehicle warranty for weeks and this is your final notice
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Just wondering at what age you stop feeling like you’re sixteen years old
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IMPORTANT ELECTION INFO!! FORWARD TO YOUR REPUBLICAN FAMILY!!!!!!
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Hahahaha when I posted this one year ago today I was creating fake Yelp accounts to try to get myself fired from my COVID restaurant so I could collect unemployment and now I am writing TV so all this is to say thank you to Chrissy Teigen for retweetinf
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6. seriously you have no idea how many people touch your forks before they touch your mouth. However many people you think that is, add 6
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man Christmas must hit so fucking hard if u believe in god
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every time I turn on my car it automatically connects to my phone to blast the only song I have downloaded and folks...that song is monster mash
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My name is Linda Hollywood and I run this fucking town
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P.S. lots of people replying with “ok then you just work in a gross restaurant” I WORK IN AN EXPENSIVE UPSCALE STEAKHOUSE AND BEFORE THAT A FINE DINING CLUB FOR CELEBRITIES I promise I am not lying
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I live at the new Disney housing development and it's literally AMAZING 😍😍😍
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10. napkins, cups, plates, everything is touched with the same towel used by 12 different people changed out every 8 hours and every single restaurant is like this I’m serious
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okay did anyone else’s high school have a group of hot girls who wrote in this very specific font. Is this a universal experience
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Obviously not a priority but do we know how Louis CK’s set went
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I remember this religious girl in high school was like “what is there to live for if you don’t believe in heaven” and I’m like shit idk dude….corn dog?
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Sir, she was doing a “boomer bit”-a polite survival joke designed to ease the tension between her, a person who makes $10.50/hr, and you, a person who probably has kicked a dog
At restaurant tonight waitress asks if we want straws. Says she has to ask now in fear of “THE STRAW POLICE”. Welcome to Socialism in California!
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Winter is so embarrassing as a short woman why do I have to spend 3 months looking like this
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Just overheard some wild phone calls at an LA running spot
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