Collie Tyrrell
@columtyrrell
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Mostly clips. Click my pinned tweet. The Colum Tyrrell Podcast. Host Tuesday Night Comedy in NYC. Live dates and all other stuff on my website.
New York, NY
Joined February 2009
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#سعوديون_ينافسون_العالم
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Pinned Tweet
30 Minutes with Colum Tyrrell | Presented by Gas Digital. Please watch and repost. Thanks.
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Anthony Bourdain may have killed himself because his girlfriend was a paedophile but his spirit lives on. This cost me $65.
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@aaroblero
His spirit lives on. I literally said that. Congratulations, you’re as fucking stupid as you look.
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I hate to victim blame but getting smacked around by Mike Tyson can ONLY be your fault.
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My biggest problem with HBO’s The Last of Us is that the outbreak happened just before Hey Ya! by Outkast was released. Keep that in mind when judging the show. These aren’t real people like you and I. These are people that have never heard Hey Ya! by OutKast. Think about that.
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lol fuckin loser
EXCLUSIVE: Jennifer Lopez still can't sell her $25M NYC penthouse — 4 years later
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Right now some lucky kid is looking down at Jada’s goofy head while she blows him
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If I was Chris Rock I would have ducked and then whacked Will Smith with a spinning heel kick. But that’s just me.
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Just watched The Chris Delia sex abuse documentary. There’s a well known comedian in New York doing the exact same shit. Actually it’s much worse. But everyone is afraid to speak up because he’ll stop booking us for Skankfest.
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Is there a way to see how many people have googled “How to watch SNL”?
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Going around NYC eating and rating pussy the way Dave Portnoy does pizza.
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Look what Eminem did to this guy
It's official: I'm in love with this
@machinegunkelly
&
@OfficialWillow
collab. 🖤
Catch their music vid for "emo girl" out right now & alllll day long on MTV Live + MTVU!
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When walking down a quiet street late at night, what’s the best way to let the woman walking in front of me know that I’m not going to kill her?
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My father in law just finished a bottle of Jim Beam and is trying to get his children to take a bet that if the Cowboys win they have to remove the black square’s they posted on instagram
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Looked into therapy prices and I think I’m fine actually.
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My 3 favorite things in the world are
1) getting drunk
2) performing standup comedy
3) making love to a beautiful woman
Tonight I got drunk. Performed standup comedy. And made love to my wife.
2 outta 3 ain’t bad
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I’m getting into drugs. What are some drugs you would recommend I check out?
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This is propaganda
Man dead after jumping NYC subway turnstile, striking head on floor
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He 100% made this shit up
Comedian’s ‘exquisite’ story of ‘sweetest’ thing he’s ever done for someone has women swooning: ‘Sealed the deal’
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I could stop drinking and get my life together or I could keep being a god damn legend, I dunno.
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Cool. Now do small cocks.
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I was only joking bro. Guess I was right. Sorry man. Never meant to rat you out. Not my style.
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Shane’s ride has been like a fucking Marvel movie.
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All my shows have just sold out for the rest of the year
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I told my wife she looks like a Victoria’s Secret model and now she’s mad at me
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About to perform stand up comedy on a bus. I’ve been on the tonight show.
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Hey
@TeamYouTube
this is without a doubt a mistake on your end. I never had a strike or a warning against me. Please look into this.
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Imagine how Will would have reacted for a woman who isn’t sleeping with other men.
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Big tech trying to keep the working man down. Disgustin.
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Hell fucking no. We stayed inside. We closed our businesses. We wore the masks. We stayed 6 feet apart. We got the vaccines. Fuck you. There’s no way I’m going through another lockdown with my girlfriend. Hell fucking no.
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My YouTube channel has been permanently suspended. The silence from the comedy community is deafening.
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Joke of the year: After Dave Chappelle was attacked, Chris Rock grabbed the mic and said “Was that Will Smith?!?” Hahaha
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Just watched a quick 30 minutes on the history of the Palestine conflict and turns out its the British who are to blame. It’s always the fuckin British.
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@TheNotoriousMMA
@DiaztwinsMMA
@PaddyTheBaddy
Translation: “Good luck Paddy. I was outside your house in the late hours of the night. With the long haired guy who is doing 30 years in prison. I don’t remember his name. hahahaha. ‘Knock Knock’ joke insinuating Michael Bisping cowardly ran away from long haired guy* (I think)”
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How about a poor version of succession where the siblings argue about who has to pay for their fathers funeral
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Call me old school but I don’t think comedians should be on Twitter trying to get another comedian canceled. Be a fucking man and talk shit on a podcast behind a paywall.
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I love the Kyle Rittenhouse takes guys. Keep em coming. All great takes. Takes-galore. I love takes.
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I didn’t feel like it but I just went down on my wife. I did my best but I had to stop 10 mins in. Unfortunately I can’t get Elon Musk owning Twitter off my mind. I feel sick. I think this is really bad. For all of us.
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I have two beds in my hotel room. One for jerking off in and the other for jerking off in.
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I’m 7 years in America today. I haven’t met a single person I’ve liked yet. I should have moved to Australia.
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please don’t make the storming of the capitol building political
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I also secretly order drinks for myself while on a date.
“Quick send me over a double whiskey before she gets back from the bathroom”
I send myself drinks from fake secret admirers on first dates so they know I'm in demand
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I really don’t think you’re in any position to bring up what other people are eating
@columtyrrell
@luisjgomez
True but then you gotta swing by old man hustle and watch 99 guys like you eat shit to really round out the experience
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Call me old fashioned but I like stand up comedy that has punchlines
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Sad to see. Clowns were such an important part of my childhood. Can’t imagine what life would have been like not seeing a clown every 6 years or so.
Clown shortage reported in Northern Ireland amid COVID-19 lockdown
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I need two tuddys from this guy today or my daughter ain't getting braces
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My first special is out now. I’d love you to watch it. Thanks for sharing. Thank you Luis and Gas for making this happen. Blop Blop.
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Ripping into his Dad was hilarious. Shout out Shane Gillis.
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While this is a talking point. Here’s an example of some HEALTHY boundaries I set up with my wife
- she is not allowed to gain weight and look icky
- not allowed to be angry when I flirt with her nieces
- must say ‘Daaaammmm’ like a black lady whenever I walk into a room
- head
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I did it. 30 days sober. I lost 15lbs and saved 18,000 dollars. Dick still don’t work.
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FUCK! I almost made it through the whole year N-word free. I'm gutted. Fuck it, mistakes happen. We try again next year. I had a lot of fun playing and good luck to everyone else still competing.
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People who go to therapy and highly recommend it are usually the most fucked up people you’ll ever meet in your life.
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Can't believe this special never hit 200k. I'm not trying to be some cool alternate underground comedian. I want a boat. I want to be a judge on Americas got Talent. I want to sell out stadiums and divorce my wife.
Never follow your dreams.
My first special is out now. I’d love you to watch it. Thanks for sharing. Thank you Luis and Gas for making this happen. Blop Blop.
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Everybody complaining about gas prices going up. Not me. It just means I gotta hustle more. I guess I’m built different.
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The days following a good comedian’s death are sadly great enjoying how funny they could be. Macdonald. A legend.
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Comedians in their 20’s absolutely love unfunny crowd work
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This is great. Glad Sas sat this one out.
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He’s the one on the right
Leonardo DiCaprio unrecognizable in first photos of new Scorsese film
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500k views = being able to tour more.
Touring more = more income
More income = moving out of my shit apartment into a place that allows pets.
New apartment = new dog.
10% of the way there after 36 hours. I want a fucking dog so please watch the special if you haven’t.
My first special is out now. I’d love you to watch it. Thanks for sharing. Thank you Luis and Gas for making this happen. Blop Blop.
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Whoever made the Rogan complication gimme a dm i love your work and I need a clip guy
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Hey Niall this is fake. Grow the fuck up.
Love this. Strip away the cynicism and stress of daily life and we are all just big kids underneath it all. 🥰🥰
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Gonna quit standup comedy to focus on podcasting so I can grow a fanbase and sell tickets to my standup comedy shows
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My family died
Just want the first lockdown back tbh. Tik tok, no fomo coz we were all doing the same thing, warm weather, walks, joe wicks, insta challenges, tiger king 😩😩😩😩 what a time to be alive
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“I’m cancelling Disney Plus because of the trans propaganda they’re pushing” says 39 year old childless man
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I once spent Christmas all alone. I slept till 6pm. Ordered a burger, had a few beers and watched Ferris Bueller. Without a doubt the best Christmas I have ever had.
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We did it. First class on a 14 minute flight. A real rags to rags story.
I might be bumped up to first class on this this flight. 33 years young. First ever in my bloodline to fly first class. Will keep you guys updated.
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I just booked some headline shows for the first time ever. Never let lack of talent hold you back! 😎😎😎
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It’s sad when great comedians die but even during times of sorrow we must remember that female comedians have also died.
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Ya know what? The Jews are all right in my book.
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Good to know he’s in STABLE condition 😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
NYC carriage horse on the mend after scary collapse in Manhattan: stable worker
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I asked my dad if he loved me. He asked me if my youtube channel was at 10k subs yet. I said "no". He said "well there's your answer"
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Every Philly fan knew in their hearts they would never win this series. And they know the Eagles won’t win the super bowl. They are inherently losers. It’s in their DNA. Philly is a dump and cheese steaks are bad.
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This pilot just made an announcement MID FLIGHT calling me gay. Everyone has pulled off their masks, they’re laughing and clapping. A flight attendant is doing ‘the worm’ down the aisle.
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cause we drive sports cars and get a lot of road dome
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At a comedy show in LA and there’s a comedian who is clearly in his 60’s talking about how hard it is being in his 40’s.
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I promised the fellas that work on my podcast that when the YouTube channel hits 20k subs I’ll take them to Sparks Steakhouse and we’re just about to hit it and it’s gonna be hilarious when they find out I can’t afford it
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Ordering a croissant with my coffee so this barista with big breasts thinks I’m smart.
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I’m performing standup comedy in the main room of the world famous Comedy Store tonight for the first time. This has been a life long dream of mine since I first heard about the Comedy Store on JRE 3 years ago.
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