Brooks Wheelan
@brookswheelan
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Following
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Seth Meyers, Conan, SNL, GIRLS, AP Bio, I Think You Should Leave, Big Hero 6, & other stuff. I also host Entry Level and Travels & Such.
Joined January 2010
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Pinned Tweet
I wrote a short about an emotional idiot. It was a stretch.
@andylanden
directed it and
@barryrothbart
made it happen.
@NoraKirkpatrick
and Lucas Neff were nice enough to be in it.
@drennondavis
wrote a rad song for it too. I’m proud of it, check it out!
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First Thanksgiving at my girlfriend’s parent’s house. I sat down way too early then she took this photo to make fun of me.
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Because you’d wake up 128 miles from where your car is?
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What maniac was like “yeah go ahead and just toss this in the elementary school library. They’ll love it.”
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I’m a flight to Chicago in the middle seat. A husband and wife are on both sides of me talking and passing food back and forth. I asked if they wanted to sit together. They said “no we like the window and aisle.” Im taking a bite of the next fucking sandwich they pass over me.
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I did the thing where I worked for a year straight and am now gonna go blow it all in one month across Europe. I’ll never own a home baby!
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If u can show me something crazier you’ve ever seen just sitting out in a restaurant I’ll be blown away.
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Why does this dude’s tongue come out of his mouth when he says “jail”?
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The pro-life/pro-murder Venn diagram is very confusing.
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At SNL one time Lady Gaga had R Kelly come do a song with her. I was in my own world so I didn’t know/care. At the good nights there’s this dude I’ve never seen, AKA: R Kelly. I asked Kenan who it was and he just said “a bad dude, stay away.”
Kenan is never wrong.
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I took this photo by my apartment. Look at it, then look at it again upside down.
http://t.co/iruvD0wI61
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Imagine telling Nancy Kerrigan in 1994 her story would be nominated for “best comedy”
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Honestly, Norm MacDonald inspired me to get fired from SNL.
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I miss when Joe Rogan was just a bad comic that no one respected. Simpler times.
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This is the funniest thing we’ve done to England since 1776.
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Shout out to Iowa for moving on from 9/11 pretty quick.
Iowa History Daily🧵: On September 14, 2001, Iowa-based Casey’s General Store first debuted breakfast pizza. The unofficial breakfast of the Hawkeye state, the pizza joined an all-star lineup to further extend Iowa’s unapologetic love affair with gas station pizza.
#IowaOTD
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Holy shit! News to me!
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Sometimes I tweet about SNL then get worried Lorne will see it and take it down like he didn’t fire me a decade ago. That place is wild.
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Pretty nervous Alabama is gonna pull an “America” and vote Roy Moore in.
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The movie theater I go to is BYOB. Not sure if they know. But they are.
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Red Hot Chili Peppers played a backyard show next to my house tonight. Life isn’t suppose to work out like this...
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I took mushrooms in Yosemite over the weekend then sat by this river staring at the reflection and thought “hey upside down trees look like lungs… oh my god, TREES ARE THE EARTH’S LUNGS…”
This is just a big shout out to mushrooms. They rock.
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Bright side: if there ever was a president who couldn't hold a secret its this maniac. We're gonna find out about aliens in less than 1 year
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The Oregon Trail really forced you to make some heavy ass decisions for an 8 year old.
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SNL in a nutshell. Hire comics, then hire other people to do their job.
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Tim won an Emmy! Here is the time he spilled his drink on his shirt and thought he could pull it off without anyone noticing. He’s the best. Congrats to my bud!
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U can’t be upset about wearing a mask if you’re on a plane. You are simply not allowed to ignore science WHILE FLYING THROUGH THE SKY ON A MACHINE.
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This has ignited a firestorm. I didn’t “pick the middle.” I’m not a sociopath. My seat got assigned at the gate. Bottom line we ended up having a threesome in the bathroom. It was tight, uncomfortable, and we got caught, but how often do get that opportunity?
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Please lord I want one of the puppies to take a knee during the anthem for the puppy bowl and Trump to flip out about it
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My dad sells fireworks in Waterloo, IA and sleeps in his fireworks stand at night. He got in a fight with the band Styx over the weekend bc they were too loud in the Wal-Mart parking lot (which my dad believes he’s in charge of). He’s now going after them on Facebook.
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I have this sometimes, but it’s with Hawaii Five-0
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Iowa’s beautiful state flag waving in the morning breeze
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Trick your parents into watching this
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The amount of different things Trevor Moore did:
Public access show in highschool
Stand up in college
5 seasons of a great TV sketch show
Starred in a major movie
Regular on a network tv show
Released a ton of music
Created a prank show that had 60 eps
RIP comedy’s Forrest Gump
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If the fucking idiot gave everyone two grand in October he would have for sure won. I love how dumb he is.
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Had a blast and loved every second of it. I'm totally honored to be able to make this next joke... FIRED FROM NEW YORK IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!
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If u hang out in comedy long enough two of ur pals will make a tv show that lets them take over wrigley field and u get to go and they make u a jersey and u eat hot dogs and drink all the beers.
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Add a 9th lane. Pull someone from the crowd. Make them swim. Show us how fast these psychopaths actually are.
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I went to Medieval Times and I saw the Princess check her phone. THE MAGIC WAS GONE AND I WILL NOT BE BACK.
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Rad. So this blew up yesterday and today an account I haven’t used since college got hacked into from RUSSIA. Cool!
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One time my dad stopped at an Arby’s driving to the Wisconsin Dells and I complained that I hated Arby’s and he responded with, “YOU THINK YOURE BETTER THAN ROAST BEEF???”
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Bragging about never seeing Star Wars isn’t cool. You didn’t use that time to get a doctorate from Yale.
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Me and
@nicolebyer
decided to start a podcast where we’d get hammered at the Arclight then see a movie and review it right after. It lasted one episode where we accidentally blacked out at Detective Pikachu. We had to shut it down. Embarrassingly good times.
My two genuine favorite spots to get drunk in Hollywood were the Arclight Bar and the Buffalo Wild Wings across from the Chinese Theater. Dear god hang in there B-Dubs!
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My 32 year old girlfriend’s father hid the ladder last night so I would stop jumping off the roof into the pool. I’m not proud.
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Dude
@TonyHinchcliffe
you’ve always sucked. But this is next level even for you man. Bummer town.
Last week in Austin, I got to bring up Tony Hinchcliffe. This is what he said. Happy Asian (AAPI) Heritage Month!
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First pop concert I’ve ever been to and I fucking get it now. Taylor Swift rules.
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I had a teacher in 8th grade that started class one day by telling us he was pretty sure he could kill a stranger and get away with it, then rolled right into math!
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Two narcissists with a long exposure camera in the middle of the night in Joshua Tree.
@gracehelbig
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I drove from LA to Wyoming camping on public lands over the last 4 days. No reservations and spent zero dollars.
1. Lake Tahoe, CA
2. Battle Mountain, NV
3. Sawtooth National Forest, ID
4. Grand Teton National Park, WY
Hire me for your own trips and pay me by letting me come too
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@cheeserburger
Shits lame and unoriginal dude. Fuck off for this. It’s not cool or funny. You’re a dork.
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Gonna go ahead and claim I had the best day of any human in the world yesterday.
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Look it’s easy to trash UCB but I just wanna say they were nothing but nice to me AFTER I got on SNL
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I’ve muted people online so we could stay friends in real life.
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One time on a plane I saw an old lady take out a package of tuna and some mayo, dump them both DIRECTLY on the seat tray in front of her, mix em together, then scoop it up off the tray with crackers. When she was done she folded that bad boy right back up. I think about her daily
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Watch Eric Andre’s new Netflix special. Last Sunday he offered me mushrooms as his house. I couldn’t take them bc I was driving but he let me take some home. Proof that
@ericandre
is a good person.
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Trevor Moore and I hung out last Monday to do my stupid podcast. I feel like I got to know him better during it. I’m putting it out so maybe you can know him better too. He was funny, cool, sincere, prolific, and most of all nice. I will forever miss him.
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Started watching Hocus Pocus to make fun of it. I’m 45 minutes in and can’t find a complaint.
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Super chill that 90’s elementary classrooms had a god damn “sword on a board” just sitting in the back where they would let us absolutely go to town unsupervised.
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I turned 29 today. My parents supported a family of 5 when they were 29 whereas I just had wine and nachos for dinner. 29 is the new 11.
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Sometimes I forget that our country is run by literally every man who would have survived on the Titanic.
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My dad took us to an Arby’s on a family trip to the Wisconsin Dells when I was 10 years old. I complained and said I hated Arby’s. He responded with “You think you’re better than roast beef?!” Happy Fathers Day!
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One time I was bombing and I saw Louie Anderson walk out of the room. I said “I just walked Louie Anderson!” And he laughed that wild insane laugh that made everything worth it.
Still walked out.
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This celebration is 1% pro Biden and 500% fuck you Trump
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If ur offended by the daily show it means u still watch the daily show and that’s on you
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Late to the this news, but this homophobic piece of shit said what?
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Ill light this bitch up for real
$10,000 to any influencer who can beat me in a wrestling match
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Just realized the kid from Angels in the Outfield had the same disease as the kid from The Sixth Sense, but instead of crying about it, he cheated at baseball games.
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It’s gonna be nuts when I finally accept Lorne’s invitation to come back and host. Just like Adam Sandler!
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Weird that R.L. Stine is too embarrassed to admit his full name is Red Lobster Stine.
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Happy Mother’s Day to Mac’s Mom who shops at my grocery store!
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Ate alone at Buffalo Wild Wings as a treat about two hours ago. I’m hurting BAD. I hate to admit this, but I don’t think that food is good for you.
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JUST realized it’s “dawned on me” not “don don me.” I never knew why the fuck we said “it don don me.” I’m 34.
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Shout out to all my friends I made here last Jan 6! You guys are nuts, but in a good way! 🤪🤣
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“Everyone is a little tense right now... Let’s have it be dark at 3:55PM” - America
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Me when I open a new book and see it comes with a detailed map of the fictional world up front
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Remember like 10 years ago when some people’s whole identity was liking bacon? Wild times.
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Shout out to the dudes who are now the dope owners of an old copy of Huckleberry Finn and a notebook of my jokes!
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Shout out to the announcer at Medeivel Times who made the announcement “congrats to Brenda and Derrick who are here celebrating their honeymoon...”
Then after a long pause said “WHY?” and walked the fuck away.
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I told my girlfriend every commercial in Montana was a bat shit political ad. She asked me to film one. Here’s my commentary trying to follow along as FOUR played back to back to back to back.
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Whats the protocol on length of departure from SNL and your "Best Of" DVD coming out. So stoked to see mine. Bet it's super long...
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I just hugged my crying girlfriend and said “Thank you for the John Prine records you gave me for Christmas.” She responded by mumbling though tears, “They were actually for me.”
I feel like John would have liked that exchange.
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It’s crazy how Lil John looks nothing like his father Papa John.
AND THATS HOW ITS FUCKING DONE PEOPLE!!!!
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I totally get Prince Harry. I’d also be scared of my grandma if she killed my mom.
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"Some people who are never shown love become Robert Durst, and others become President of the United States" -
@gracehelbig
just killed me with this
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For anyone that this upsets, you’re right. He is funny. All good comics pivot to controversial radio hosts.
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RT this: I finally looked up if this guy wrestled. He was NOT good. I was equally not good and said lets go, no money, but he refuses. He only wants to wrestle sickly internet kids. Guy is a dork and afraid. Nothing worse than a tough talking nerd.
$10,000 to any influencer who can beat me in a wrestling match
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When I was 7 my uncle won a bunch of episodes on American Gladiators. I will never be more excited about anything in my entire of my life.
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Los Angeles doesn’t like how much the Midwest can drink.
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Me - Iowa sucks
Iowa - this burger is $2.50 and that pitcher of beer is $4.00
Me - well shit…
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