Nicole Byer aka peppa pig slut
@nicolebyer
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Following
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474
Statuses
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See me live? Buy my merch?👇🏾click da link Nailed It & Comedians of the World on Netflix listen to my podcasts Why Won’t You Date Me? 90 Day Bae & Best Friends
NYC/LA/?
Joined February 2009
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Everyone in this looks sick
“If I get corona, I get corona. At the end of the day, I'm not gonna let it stop me from partying”: Spring breakers are still flocking to Miami, despite coronavirus warnings.
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Imagine having a bill named after you because you’re racist. You love to see it
NY Gov. Andrew Cuomo asks state lawmakers to adopt ‘Amy Cooper’ 911 false accusation bill.
More:
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How’s social distancing going? Yesterday I took a nap to stop eating.
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Here I posted it on Instagram but twitter can have it too... I wrote something to help your white children understand what’s going on... I did the work now you do some
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If Kim Cattrall doesn’t come back for the SATC reboot lemme play her with no explanation.
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I’m truly so sick of people not wearing masks and not staying home if they can. IM TRYING TO FUCK SO MUCH IN 2021. SO CAN EVERYONE GET IT TOGETHER SO I CAN GET POUNDED OUT IN THE NEW YEAR?
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Long story short, I made a man so mad at the airport today he got outta his car walked over to mine and screamed at me culminating with “I’ll pull you outta that car” and I yelled “no you won’t I’m very big” he walked away bc he knew my truth was also his.
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I miss quarantine twas a simpler time where I was single because of the global pandemic and not my personality
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What a fun way to phrase this
#NailedIt
emcee Nicole Byer is now the most-nominated Black woman for outstanding host with four nods. However, she has yet to convert any of these into wins.
via
@Variety
@nicolebyer
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I love the people tweeting about things going back to normal after the current president fades away. Let’s not go back to normal. Let’s hold the people we elected accountable to change shit yah? So much is fucked why would we stop here? Why now?
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I just bought a neon sign that says “pussy” to hang above my tiger print couch. Give me the vaccine.
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Dick
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Why yes, I went on a masked date today in a park. Was wearing a giant medical boot? Ooooh baby you know it! Did my wig slide back far enough that I had to catch it before a gust of wind claimed it as her own? Oh yes. Yes it did. SHES BACK BABY!
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What I want: universal healthcare, the day off 2 vote w/ automatic registration, companies who make billions of dollars after a certain point have to redistribute 2 employees, climate change getting addressed, systemic racism dismantled, get deep dicked by a nice person. Thats it
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I want to marry this man
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Being black in America:
1. Going to work at a secure closed set where I had to show my ID to get in, and having a PA refuse to look at a call sheet and him saying “I don’t know if you belong here” while we stand in front of a trailer with my name on the door.
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She’s fully vaccinated and has already made a dick appointment. God is good what won’t he do praise him
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Last night my nipple was rolled down into a car window… it was shocking and scary and exhilarating. I thought I was going to become part car… has this happened to anyone else or am I the first one to ever have this happen?
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I cannot stop thinking about how I’ve thought I was 5’7” my whole life. Passionately and proudly 5’7” a loving 5’7” a towering 5’7” sometimes 5’8” if I felt stretchy... Turns the fuck out I’m only 5’5” is this a Napoleon complex? Am I Napoleon?
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Rude! I fuck everyone!
I know she don't fuck with n*ggas but I been wanting
@nicolebyer
since "Girl Code"
Another attractive plus size woman.
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My greatest fear is getting too fat and having to tape a vibrator to a selfie stick to help myself masturbate.
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This is the funniest thing I have ever read
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Beyoncé spoke to me once. It was a full ass blessing.
Watching
#Homecoming
and remembering the time watched
@nicolebyer
call Beyoncé “a treat” despite being FORBIDDEN from speaking to her or filming her. Sorry
@MTV
I filmed it anyway oops
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I truly cannot stop laughing.
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Fuck fuck fuck I’m tired. If you don’t understand why we are marching why we won’t stop talking about it... is because we are being fucking murdered. I’m tired as a black woman, also I’m tired as a human who has empathy. My heart hurts again and just tired.
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The owners should be jailed immediately
So the family matters brownstone in Chicago was remade into a modern condo 🥰😍
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My old face was wack
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I have not been to a bath and body works since the mid 2000s but I will be going back. This is VERY good advertising. Whatta a treat
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I’m beginning to think and stay with me here... Donald Trump doesn’t care about black people
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I fucking did it. Got to the airport at 10:15 for a 10:30 flight. Fun fact
@delta
does a cool thing they take your boarding pass off your phone if youre not scanned in at the airport 30 minutes prior to departure but ya girl been burned before she took a screen shot. I am perfect
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I want to personally thank Pfizer for allowing me to safely get my back blown out but also allowing me to understand a date with a man is still a date with a man
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Fuck ya she a stunning diva!
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Showing up 20 minutes late to a zoom meeting in my own house with a cup of iced nespresso shows you can keep a bitch in her house but you can’t keep bitch from being messy
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Can’t sleep bc I can’t stop thinking abt the time I was late explaining there was traffic bc of the “children’s parade” happening down the street. I said “it was weird each child had an adult”
After a silence, finally someone said “school, kids were being dropped off at school”
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I just watched no less than 3 men help a tiny lady put her suitcase in the overhead bin. When it was my turn all three men sat and stared at me and then I remembered fat women are dirt ghosts
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I get paid to eat nasty cakes. It’s my job there’s no major for it, but I make money. If you can’t fuck good and can’t make money from it get a grip, chill out. Your logic sucks. Sex work is work and should be decriminalized and destigmatized.
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Which ones are the the good cop? The one hitting people like they baseballs? Or the ones watching?
SHOCKING VIDEO: LAPD officers seen striking protesters with batons in Fairfax district confrontation
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If you saw a black woman yesterday driving around LA in a convertible scream singing along to “Let it Go” then coming back for an encore of “Defying Gravity” It was me. You’re very welcome
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The way this white woman points and says “she ready!” “she’s ready!” Is in fact a hate crime.
The reporter echoing Tiffany Haddish’s “She ready!” should be grounds for dismissal 💀
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She looses adorably
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Lemme be barbies fat friend who is a factory error but fun none the less
EXCLUSIVE: Ryan Gosling is playing Ken in ‘Barbie’ movie starring Margot Robbie
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When this is all said and done. I’m going to a fucking rainforest cafe and I’m gonna have the best fucking time of my life.
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HOW👏🏾DO👏🏾I👏🏾GET👏🏾THE👏🏾VACCINE👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾IM👏🏾GOOGLING 👏🏾THE👏🏾DUMBEST👏🏾SHIT👏🏾AND 👏🏾MISS👏🏾LIFE👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾ITS👏🏾BEEN👏🏾ALMOST👏🏾A👏🏾YEAR👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾AHHHHHHH👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾🙃
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Yo lemme be fat Storm
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This is very funny.
Brooke Hogan says she was the victim of racism, once told "white people smell like bologna":
http://t.co/IvoH8Z9AXh
http://t.co/ldAukauc4o
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My Uber driver just ask me “are you ovulating, are you craving a baby?” Then he asked “are you an erotic person” then he said “we can go to strip club and take a girl home and take advantage of her?” “You like women? Or do you like a pounding”
How do I tuck and roll out the car
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There are hundreds of better pictures of me.
Netflix gets real about reality TV with Mexican "Nailed It!"
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Wouldn’t it be nice if cops actually helped people and stopped shooting unarmed people? At this point it’s truly fucking wild.
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Why do ppl care about how people identify? It’s really weird. This sign is also wrong? Its a quick google or trip to a library to know that. ALSO WHAT DOES ANYONE IN OUR GOVERNMENT DO? ARE THEY COSPLAYING MEAN GIRLS? THIS IS GOOFY AS FUCK! SCHOOL HOUSE ROCK NEVER TOLD ME ABT THIS
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A child asked me today “why I was so pretty” in front of a large group of people so now I like children.
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Dear diary,
There was another earthquake today. I was folding my clothes and didn’t stop when my whole ass house was shaking. I just planted my feet and continued folding one of three pairs of leopard print leggings I own.
Bye bye diary
Love,
Nicole
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Isn’t is fun
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This is nice and fun!
Faizon Love Disses Nicole Byer: Only Way To Get A Netflix Special Is To Be A Unfunny Black Woman
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I bleached my hair... so I guess I’m in phase 1000 of quarantine (we’re still staying home 90% of the time right?) and phase one of my midlife crisis... or is my period coming because I’ve also cried over tomatoes and an instagram filter... is this tweet too much?
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I once found a reusable water bottle on the floor of a bathroom in a club. I filled it with the rest of my purse vodka and kept it. I still have and love it.
I can’t wait to get vaccinated so I can be the best I can be
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Every couple of years I discover a new thing. Like 2 years ago it was granola like no one told me about it? It’s very tasty. This year I discovered smoothies. Wow you suck em up with a big thick straw and it’s a real nice time. I wonder what’s left for me to discover
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So the world is wild. I hope this makes you laugh. Also this bit? Very expensive.
@JohnMilhiser
made his hat
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The man next to me on my flight has drank no less than 6 cans of coke. He also spilled 1 of his cokes and I offered him a wet wipe. And he snatched it and said nothing so I said “u’re welcome” then he yelled “I was gonna say THANK U” I keep meeting new best friends on my flights
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I need Ben Affleck on my podcast Why Won’t You Date Me? We can do an episode called Why did you unmatch me.
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I drank 1 glass of water yesterday and lemme tell you it’s not bad. Might drink more today
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My first decision of 2023 is to get a Garfield tattoo bc I love lasagna and i NEED people to know
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Steamy hot take maybe all the women who dressed up wanted to dress up and we leave it at that? It was the zoom golden globes some people fell asleep so I’d say expectations were low
Siri show me the different expectations for male and female presentation in Hollywood
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The whole vaccine thing is truly so funny. Do people want like polio, rubella, measles, mumps or whatever the fuck else we dont get bc of vaccines to come back? Like why not get a vaccine? Most of you goofy mother fuckers already had some. Life is a joke. Why did Jeff go to space
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DAVID! Don’t tell my employer I’m slipping on the job you fucking narc
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I’m gonna change my name to Cum Dumpster Cutie.
Kanye West wants to change his name to "Christian Genius Billionaire"
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We’re so nice we let Billy Ray right on the stage no problem. Remember when Beyoncé did the CMAs and all the white people got mad she was doing country real good?
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A lil chunk of white privilege is people assuming you belong and not having to worrying about if hair and makeup ppl have all the things you need for your skin and hair, because they do. You are the norm.
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Fun fact, in scripts you have to put a note in the script that a character isn’t white otherwise white is the default. Then that trickles into casting... isn’t that a fun fun fun fact?
A note I got on my short story in workshop.
IDK because she just IS? Has any writer ever been asked, “why is this character white?”
My family is mixed-race, my friends are diverse, do I need a *reason* to write non-white characters beyond reflecting the world?
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Lmao
Candace Owens tried to get a COVID test in Aspen, CO, but was denied service (from a private facility) and received this email, and it’s the best thing I’ve ever read.
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Oh wow. Don’t usually like kids but this is so fucking cute, so I like him! Tell my friend I think he looks fabulous and that he nailed it ❄️❄️❄️
@nicolebyer
my 7 year old is very excited to get the muff he asked for after seeing you with one on Nailed It.
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White people are literally the wildest... imagine thinking being murdered and wearing a mask are the same. Imagine being so fragile you think a piece of cloth is oppressing you. Truly most of these people’s faces would be improved by what a mask obstructs
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I tried three different types of olives today. I cannot believe people eat any of them willingly like without being threatened or held at gunpoint.
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6. People out in the world being rude to me before they see my name or put two and two together from my voice. Then appologize with some bullshit “oh I didn’t recognize you with that hat!” Fuck you just be nice to black people.
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It’s back!
@NailedIt
Holiday! is returning to Netflix November 22nd. Who’s excited for more frosting, more spills, and a whole lot of baking disasters?! 🎄🎁❄️
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If you don’t want an abortion... then don’t have one.
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I mean if they ain’t doing the job... defund them. My tax dollars are going to a klan selfie party... This is upsetting to me and my homegirl
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Someone watched the rehearsal then said no notes put it on tv.
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Truly the wildest tweet of 2020 and that’s saying a lot.
The degenerate left claimed President Trump had health issues after drinking water with 2 hands.
Today he drank with one and tossed the glass to the side! 🤣
GREATEST. PRESIDENT. EVER.
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Emily gets kissed so much in Paris and is bad at everything... should I move to Paris?
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I’m real tired... and sad. Isn’t wild that we gotta protest for us to stop being murdered. DURING A PANDEMIC? Like da fuck?
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Pam’s monologue in the beach episode of the office is so good I gasped. I need her and Jim together. Also Angela letting Andy float away for Dwight is the love I want. Do you guys understand how funny the office is?
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Ooooh watch the good place I’m on it!!!
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Lol defund the police. They literally only kill people, arrest people trying to help other people and pose for photo ops... like good a bye
COP ARRESTS FIREFIGHTER IN THE MIDDLE OF SAVING SOMEONES LIFE BECAUSE FIRE TRUCK WAS 1 MILLIMETER OVER THE LINE
BLM:
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But are we voting for SVU, Criminal Intent, or the regular ass one?
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I truly love my job.
My favorite
#NailedIt
moment is when
@nicolebyer
made sure we all remembered that racism still exists in the funniest way possible 😂😂😂
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I just saw Spider Man: Into the Spider-verse and I don’t know if it was the movie or the wine but I’m a changed person.
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Ooooooh baby this is a selfie you can keep
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I looked great. Your eyes must be bad.
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