Mike Birbiglia
@birbigs
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My new standup special, The Old Man & The Pool, is available on Netflix. Currently on tour in a city near you.
Joined June 2008
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Pinned Tweet
Going on tour with my new hour of comedy: "Please Stop the Ride." Can’t wait to see everybody. Thanks for joining me on the ride. Tickets on sale at with code PANCAKE. ❤️
(Poster by
@trashnite
📸 by Monique Carboni)
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I’ve always respected
@Trevornoah
so much but this closing speech from the White House correspondents’ dinner is particularly spectacular.
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To the 197 republicans who voted no on impeachment, what would it have taken? Storming the capital in a tan suit?
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It is my religious right to not wear a seatbelt. Also, I can crash into other cars. Also, I can dump poison into my local reservoir. I’m sorry but that’s what my religion is.
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My tax dollars are paying for someone who paid almost nothing in the taxes to get the best medical treatment in the world. I'm not gonna hold a grudge, I'm just gonna vote.
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Some people tweet at me, "why would u want to lose half your audience by taking a political stance?" I don't see it that way. I'm comfortable losing people who support any president of any party breaking the law in plain sight. Let's all stand up to corruption. Together.
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Doctors and scientists have spent their entire professional lives laboring over their work so that you could have a vaccine in a crisis like this but, sure, go ahead and not take the vaccine because you read 3 articles. 🥇
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NBC is where Trump pretended to be a good businessman and Cosby pretended to be a good dad.
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I know so many entertainers who stay out of discussing politics and don't speak their mind about the corruption we're witnessing in the White House because it's bad for business. My hat is off to
@JimGaffigan
. We all have to stand up to the incompetent bully in the White House.
I dont give a fuck if anyone thinks this is virtue signaling or whatever. We need to wake up. We need to call trump the con man and thief that he is.
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Dear streaming platforms,
Please play the credits. They're part of the movies. You should know this. Your company acquires the rights to movies. Don't you like movies?
Sincerely,
People Who Like Movies
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"This restaurant serves food or shit. Which would you like?"
"I only want my FAVORITE food. Otherwise, shit."
- America 2020
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You know what they say: if you want someone to tell the truth, sue them for 3 billion dollars.
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When you're feeling down, just remember:
"Four Seasons Total Landscaping"
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Before our president supported neo-nazis i used to tweet about super dumb shit and it was awesome.
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This is sort of a “holy shit” video. We are living through quite a time and people like Sherrod Brown are still showing up.
Once again, I asked my Republican colleagues to stop endangering all the Senate workers - and simply wear a mask when presiding over the Senate.
Once again, they refused.
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A Republican governor who is as angry as every Republican should be right now who claims to be patriotic.
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I was recently asked to throw out the first pitch at a Yankees game but I didn’t do it because I’m lying.
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Biden leads by 22k in Nevada. 16 ballots remain uncounted. Too close to call.
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The election was decided by those coastal elites in Arizona and Pennsylvania.
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The president shows no sympathy for people with covid but wishes sex traffickers well.
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People on twitter demanding comedians only tell jokes:
What...
is...
the deal...
with the president committing treason?
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To comedians or comedy fans holding on to the idea that the president is your free speech advocate for "telling it like it is" I just want to remind you that he tweeted in March that there should a federal investigation of SNL after a depiction of him that he didn't find funny.
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America claims to like a man because he "tells it like it is" but goes boo hoo hoo when a woman actually tells it like it is.
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I wish that every American would watch this 4 1/2 minute clip. It doesn’t matter if u like the president or u don’t or you like what he stands for or u don’t. It’s about the facts. The facts. The facts. He puts his own interests above the country’s. Always. Plz watch and share.
.
@RepSwalwell
’s questioning was phenomenal. He was one of the first Members of Congress to recognize the Russian threat and take it seriously. He is a true patriot. I’m glad he’s on our side. That side being America.
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If I had my own newspaper this would be the headline:
“15,000 Americans die and the president doesn’t seem sad or helpful or interested.”
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Dear streaming services,
Please keep the credits rolling. Don’t just go to the next episode. I want to know who made the thing I just watched.
Sincerely,
people who love things they watch
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The president will commute the sentence of criminals who lie to congress on his behalf and he will steal the election illegally this fall if we don’t stop him. Let’s get on our toes. This is very serious.
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This clip is pretty amazing. Mayor Pete calmly and clearly explains in 1 minute on fox news why the president is unfit.
It's too bad Trump is afraid to debate next week.
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If you lose an election and millions of people across the country start spontaneously dancing like it’s a fucking wedding I think it’s time for you to go.
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Breitbart keeps publishing my tweets and calling me a “Hollywood celebrity” but I don’t live in Hollywood, I’ve never worked there regularly, and I think the word “celebrity” is a stretch. This makes me really second-guess the world renowned fact checking department at Breitbart.
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American Dream Instructions:
1. Inherit $50m
2. Run for prez as publicity stunt.
3. Oops, you won.
4. Make yourself richer.
5. Complain.
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There are no absolutes but if you find yourself yelling at a grocery store you’re probably the problem.
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An easy rule of thumb is if someone doesn’t want you to vote then you probably shouldn’t vote for them.
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I don’t remember staying indoors for 7 months from the swine flu.
#Debates2020
#2020NoJoke
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Some people tweet at me, "why would u want to lose half your audience by taking a political stance?" I don't see it that way. I'm comfortable losing people who support any president of any party breaking the law in plain sight. Let's all stand up to corruption. Together.
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One day he's gonna set up a direct deposit from the federal reserve into one of his failing hotels and then 51 senators will simultaneously mutter "I'm deeply concerned" and then we'll move on to the next thing.
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When I was 22 I was a temp worker at Pfizer. I was so bad at the job that I would fall asleep often & was eventually fired after I showed up one day at 11am when I was supposed to be there at 8. I'm not saying I discovered the vaccine but I'd like to think I was part of the team.
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“Do it, say it.”
Biden just asked the president of the United States to condemn white supremacists and he did not.
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I have a joke about the president but it wouldn’t win the popular vote.
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There’s a discussion on here whether the new Bo Burnham special is comedy or not. Or Hannah Gadsby‘s. Or mine. It literally doesn’t matter. It either makes you laugh or feel something or it doesn’t. Bo’s made me laugh & feel. Same with Hannah’s. Maybe not for you. Doesn’t matter.
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“It is what is because you are who you are.” - Joe Biden
That’s the whole election in a nutshell.
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I haven't decided who I am voting for. There's a long way to go. But one prerequisite for me is that the candidate shows empathy. If our leaders don't have some sense of empathy I think we're in trouble. I think Senator Warren has it.
"Give me a hug": 2020 candidate Elizabeth Warren shares emotional moment with young voter over struggle for acceptance.
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Hindsight is 20-20 but you could have just...um...stayed in the house?
The McCloskey’s say this picture has ruined their lives. 🤷♀️
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Let’s never forget that the real hero is the guy who ran for president as a stunt to get a better deal for his reality show, accidentally won, and then ignored science until it literally killed people.
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I know that Twitter is about jokes and strong feelings and politics but what if it were just about ideas?
Original ideas that could change the world?
I’ll go first:
peanut butter pizza.
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She’s a Marine and he’s a sea turtle. If I lived in Kentucky I’d go with the Marine.
#McGrath2020
I'm a Marine AND I'm a mom.
And yes, Mitch, you've been there too long.
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These school teachers who showed up this morning to teach virtually in the middle of a global pandemic after a sleepless election night where an American president is falsely claiming to have won the election like a dictactor...
They're heroes.
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It’s hard not to watch the president speak because it’s like a car wreck. The problem is that we’re in the car.
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Dead and tweeting Herman Cain is the most unexpected twist of 2020 and a lot of shit has gone down.
Just in case you thought Biden's candidacy was going to be anything other than completely nuts, team Trump has released a new video.
#JoeBiden
#KamalaHarris
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dear republican congress,
plenty of room over here.
sincerely,
the right side of history
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Trump can't concede because he didn't inherit a concession speech from his father.
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He said it's rigged because he rigged it.
He said no collusion because he colluded.
He said drain the swamp because he had his own swamp.
And if you're reading this and you think he's looking out for you, he's not. I'm sorry about that.
I hope someone else is.
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We all know grandpa has lost it and some of us are more comfortable talking about it.
But, to be clear, he’s lost it.
My proof: we all know who I’m taking about.
Let’s take away the keys and make sure he doesn’t drive this car into a lake.
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i want to get that healthcare where you get a helicopter for mild symptoms.
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Bravo to Jon Stewart and the 9/11 first responders. Watch this and share.
"Your indifference cost these men and women their most valuable commodity: time."
Jon Stewart receives a standing ovation from 9/11 first responders after slamming lawmakers for failing to fund programs providing healthcare to the first responders
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Wait, when the emperor wore no clothes did 41% of the townsfolk think he was wearing clothes?
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If you say a wildly contagious virus is going to "disappear" but then instead of disappearing it kills 150,000 people I think your approval rating should be 0%. Or maybe 2% if a few people can't quite follow it.
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There are times in this country’s history when we have needed answers from the White House. We have needed the truth. We have needed a voice of clarity. And in those moments, again and again and again, we have turned to Kellyanne Conway’s daughter’s TikTok.
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In case you were wondering why Tucker Carlson always "wins" debates on his show---this is really worth watching. Tucker wouldn't dare air something that reveals him for who he really is: not a man of the people but rather "a millionaire who works for billionaires."
Watch Fox News host Tucker Carlson call one of his guests a 'tiny brain...moron' during an interview. NowThis has obtained the full segment with historian Rutger Bregman that Fox News is refusing to air.
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This is a video of a journalist explaining to the U.S. attorney general that it’s illegal to vote twice and the attorney general doesn’t seem to know that. So...um...this should be a lead story every day.
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I don't even think Diet Coke thinks you should drink 12 Diet Cokes a day.
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RT if you've had a dream where you realize you're not wearing a mask. Starting to see a trend.
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The idea that the entire defense of this president's clearly inappropriate behavior is that he "hates corruption" is funnier than any joke any comedian on the face of this earth could write.
I yield the rest of my time.
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Twitter: Can this be done in all 50 states? Asking for a country.
Breaking: President Trump will be ineligible for California's primary ballot next year unless he discloses his tax returns under a state law signed by Gov. Gavin Newsom.
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I think if a comedian wants to weigh in on vaccines their jokes should have to be 95% effective.
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Amplifying for my friends in Georgia. Please spread this Jon
@Ossoff
video far and wide.
#VoteThemOut
#VoteEarly
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"There was obstruction of the sun on both sides. On both sides."
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4 years of “you lost a fan, bro.” Worth it. I’ll win ya back, bros.
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America, I hate to break it to you but your father is a racist abusive alcoholic so you’re gonna live with grandpa for a while.
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For four years we laughed so we wouldn’t cry but today, with this pathetic tweet— I think we can just laugh.
#fourseasonslandscaping
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My conspiracy theory is that the Delta variant was named by American airlines.
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They will try to feed fake stories to the press in the next 3 weeks because they’re losing. The press will bite because a close race is better for ratings. Don’t forget: the president is a clear & present danger to democracy. Our only choice is to vote him out in huge numbers.
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I feel like we’re inching closer to “but you don’t get it, I LIKE that he’s a criminal.”
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To do:
1. Run for Prez as publicity stunt
2. Win by accident
3. Call Putin for instructions
4. Run country into ground
5. Eat steak with ketchup
6. Run for re-election to avoid jail
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Tucker Carlson drives his Range Rover exclusively in bike lanes.
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Hi, mister Cohen. Mike Birbiglia here. I’m not in congress but I have a midsize twitter following. Can we go back to the part where the president said that he ran for president as a “giant informercial” and then he accidentally won and is the president?
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