Jim Gaffigan
@JimGaffigan
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Following
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Media
4,663
Statuses
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Male Model. BARELY ALIVE TOUR all new material. My first wife is @jeanniegaffigan .
Joined June 2007
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어린이날
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こどもの日
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子供の日
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鯉のぼり
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GW最終日
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ジャンタルマンタル
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アスコリピチェーノ
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予選突破
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マリカ杯
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#光る君へ
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JR京都駅
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ルメール
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Happy Easter
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महाराणा प्रताप
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アフター
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#PBKSvCSK
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ロジリオン
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Braverman
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Ginting
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予選通過
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#鉄腕DASH
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シェリン
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連休最終日
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Wofai
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ERINNNNNN
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えーりん
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I’ve gotten tons of messages “I’m losing fans” by expressing my dissatisfaction with our corrupt, incompetent President. While I appreciate people encouraging me to choose fame and money over decency, I’m afraid I’ll never be Donald Trump.
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I dont give a fuck if anyone thinks this is virtue signaling or whatever. We need to wake up. We need to call trump the con man and thief that he is.
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to those of you who think Im destroying my career wake up. if trump gets elected, the economy will never come back.
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Trump literally ran Paul Ryan out of politics. Why? Paul Ryan knew Trump was poison. So does Romney. Trump is not a conservative or even a Republican. You know that. You know Barr is dirty. You know if Trump gets re-elected it's over. How many books have to be written?
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Whoever runs the Russian/Trump bots (same office right?) Please tell them they aren't working. Maybe direct bots at voters that are undecided. Also I appreciate you bigots tweeting that you are no longer following me. It's inspiring me to continue! Much love.
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I wanted to say thank you to everyone who has expressed support about my tweets. I know the bots & trolls can be scary but the truth requires direct sunlight. I regret nothing. (Well, maybe I was a little harsh…
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They should bundle all the streaming services together and call it cable.
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I never know what to wear the day after an attempted coup.
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You know Trump just creates enemies. You know you can't trust him. You know he been incompetent during this crisis. You know all those people didn't need to die. Trump talks about the Space Program and you can't safely go to a movie. Wake up
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Expecting equal justice and being against police brutality is NOT “being political”. It’s called basic empathy. I’m sorry if my opinions on these things are “too radical” for a couple of you. Go in peace. Also Trump is a monster!
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I know you hate snobs and elites I get it but look at Ivana and that douche bag Jerod. Think they are on your side? Do you think they've ever done a real days work in their lives. Wake up
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Can you imagine if a President bizarrely claimed a highly contagious virus would “just disappear” like 30 times over 6 months and then the virus DIDN’T just disappear? Nobody in their right mind would vote to re-elect that level of incompetence.
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Fuck Lou Holtz. Biden is Catholic in name only? Compared to who? How many abortions did trump pay for? How many women has he raped? How many times did pull the shit he did in Ukraine. Wake up. He's a crook and a con man.
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Trump derangement syndrome is part of the con. Wake up. you know Fox News is biased and full of loons. it's how they gaslight and silence criticism. Do you think any of those congressional republicans really believe in Trump or do they fear him dont want to end up like Flake.
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Heading to bed but remember
- If you want to sound crazy please tell me about THE DEEP STATE.
- To sound stupid please be against CANCEL CULTURE but then accuse anyone with an opinion of Virtue signaling.
- Trump Derangement Syndrome is meant to distract from the con of Don
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Look Trumpers I get it. As a kid I was a cubs fan and I know you stick by your team no matter what but he's a traitor and a con man who doesn't care about you. Deep down you know it. I'm sure you enjoy pissing people off but you know Trump is a liar and a criminal.
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excuse me while I treat myself to confronting some asshole trolls...
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Trump budding up with dictators is RADICAL. Trump having interfering with the justice department is RADICAL. Trump pandering to the police and army (I gave 3 raises) is RADICAL.
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Remember everything Trump accuses the Democrats of he's guilt of. Dont let the socialist name calling distract you from the fact he is a fascist who has no belief in law.
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An interesting theory of why Trump doesn’t denounce white supremacy is he a racist pig and nobody with any sense of decency should support or vote for him.
#Debate2020
#
#debates
I’m so embarrassed he is the President
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Please dont buy that socialist crap either. Obviously Obama wasn't a socialist. This is all lies to scare you and you know it. Biden is not radical. Are you serious?
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Help me here. I'm being sincere. This is STILL your guy? Forget the news source. Forget that this part of a pattern. Forget the lies & the bluster. Forget the impeachment stuff. I'm curious why you are still behind someone who consistently behaves like this? Help me.
During a rally the same night he was impeached, Trump joked that former Rep. John Dingell, who died in February, might be in hell
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What bravery from the cowards who are against equal justice. Wake up. Don't you know history will make you the fool.
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I hate when celebrities encourage people to vote. It’s WAY more annoying than…
The mishandling of a pandemic
Disrespecting our Military
Widespread Corruption
Putting kids in cages
Not paying taxes
Alienating allies
Clearly denouncing white supremacists
Stoking racial division
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I'm old enough to remember the very first Georgia recount.
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Is anyone going to tell us when we are supposed to switch from shorts to sweatpants or do we just decide on our own?
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I can’t believe every woman I know is marching in the streets and CNN is showing Trump pretending to believe in God.
#WomensMarch
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You know he lies. Constantly. Yet you dont care? What because he insults people that make you and me feel dumb?
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can we stop with this HOLLYWOOD shit. I'm not from Hollywood and Hollywood is just a town. Please say coastal elites (which Trump, Jared and Ivana are) Maybe people on the east and west coasts have different values from yours but they dont like liars and con men like trump.
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Don’t believe the lies!!!! The mishandling of the coronavirus is OBVIOUSLY BOB WOODWARD’s fault!!!
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By the way you can't be against Cancel Culture and tell people to stay out of politics. You know that time you did a job and didn't get paid? That's trump and you know it.
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Nothing says “democracy” like protecting a narcissistic tyrant because if you don’t, his supporters will break in your house and beat you & your family to death.
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I hate when a show introduces a new villain at the end of the final season. This Josh Hawley has blood on his hands and everyone should know. He is a liar, an opportunist and used this moment to do a stump speech.
@HawleyMO
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I wrote about what I learned from my Thursday Night Twitter rant on RNC/Trump. It’s too long for here so I put it on my Facebook.
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How about at future debates if a participant doesn’t answer a question the moderator could press a button that makes them fall into a pool of water.
#Debates2020
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Everyone is overreacting to the Trump & Putin private meeting. Relax. It might have been Trump's performance review.
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I’ve only been told I look like this cat by 4 people. Come on Twitter
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Feel free to tell me to stick to comedy but first watch this. Thanks.
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Thanks to everyone who came to my show tonight in Philadelphia. It felt good to get on stage. Amazingly there was no violence given it’s one of those dangerous Democratic run cities. Oh that’s right, that is just…
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I can’t wait to find out which Republican Senators care more about being primaried than their country, democracy, their children, their grandchildren, the truth, decency or their own name in history.
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It’s not easy to be a Christian in America today but luckily there are people like Franklin Graham to make it virtually impossible.
Shame, shame on the ten Republicans who joined with
@SpeakerPelosi
& the House Democrats in impeaching President Trump yesterday. After all that he has done for our country, you would turn your back & betray him so quickly? What was done yesterday only further divides our nation.
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Is it just me or does it seem like the strategy of kindly asking the people who helped Trump plan the insurrection to just admit everything they did to the
@January6thCmte
is not working for some reason?
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I realize the crazy conspiracy theorists make great podcast guests, but can we not have them in the US government? It kind of backfired like two weeks ago.
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About to start eating my third dinner entree. Not dealing with any stress at all.
#ElectionNight
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I heard the pandemic just got picked up for another season.
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Remember when you we used to be shocked AND surprised? They used to go together. Now you’re like, “I’m shocked but not surprised.” We are becoming numb to anxiety. That can’t be good. Anyway, Trump saved football.
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Does anyone else feel the need to call all their Jewish friends and say, “Okay, you weren’t being paranoid.”?
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This is the point in the horror film when everyone thinks the killer is dead. He's not!! Please
@SpeakerPelosi
#ImpeachTrumpAgainNOW
#25thPleaseASAP
@jack
block him. Please Republicans get emergency spine surgery!!
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I’d show up for
@JoeBiden
. I care about my children and really hate corrupt unethical people like Trump. Would you?
#Debates2020
#doofus
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There should be a name for the short period of enjoyment you experience after you eat something unhealthy but right before you feel nauseous and spin into a pool of regret. Suggestions?
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RIP All You Can Eat Buffets. It wont be the same without you.
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I guess the only question that remains is how long of a standing ovation do you give someone who just hit someone?
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I'm patiently waiting for Trump, the GOP and right wing media to come out against traffic lights.
#dontletanyonetellyoutostoporgo
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I don’t want to sound uninformed but who is Donald Trump again?
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This. Is. Amazing.
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Oh my God. We lost a legend. Norm was punishingly funny. A unique special point of view and completely organic. RIPNormMacDonald
BREAKING: Norm MacDonald has died "after a long and private battle with cancer"
The influential comedian and former 'SNL' Weekend Update anchor was 61
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I can’t figure out if I’m more jealous that Stanley Tucci got to spend so much time in Italy, got to eat all that amazing food or that he got to all that amazing food in Italy and remained so thin.
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Thank you
#veterans
. I am grateful for your service to this country. The irony that you often fought against tyranny and fascism is not lost on me. I also appreciate the incredible sacrifice of your families. Thank you.
#VeteransDay2020
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I unfortunately don’t have time to respond to all the nice comments I receive on social media but it is nice to know some of you are praying for me.
#cloneBiden
#RipTomHanks
#RIPspellcheck
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I really don’t appreciate how they are dragging out the election results like the final season of a show that should’ve ended 2 seasons ago.
#sarcasm
#CountAllTheVotes
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Remember that time when all the GOP leaders stood up and reprimanded that dangerous GA Congresswoman who promoted baseless QAnon theories, absurd anti-Semitic conspiracies and violence toward her co-workers? Neither do I.
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Wouldn't it be great if we found out the whole Q thing was just a big marketing campaign for
@Quiznos
?
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Today the NCAA will vote on a motion to give all college players off on Election Day moving forward. This will be huge for student athletes.
@chrisbosh
wrote an article in Players’ Tribune to lift up the work being done by these student athletes. It goes up today. Please RT
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And then Trump supporters stormed the Capital and the Republican Party STILL did nothing...
#25thAmendment
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Like many parents I was forced to hold what felt like a press conference with my children because Republicans lunatics stormed the capitol. Congrats to
@FoxNews
on finally making it impossible to watch news with our parents and now our children.
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What do we have to do to get the damn US Federal Government to get a damn Covid-19 test mass produced immediately and easily accessible to every US citizen? Why does it seem like the Federal Government STILL can’t get ahead of this? Why do I have to post this?
#getusadamntest
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Hey Google, remind me NOT to take selfies if I ever break into the Capitol and chant with a mob that I want to hang the Vice President.
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I get more texts from Biden-Harris/Blue groups than my wife.
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I don’t see why Santa has to come at night. What about dropping off the presents around noon or 1pm? Waking up and immediately opening presents is really not good for anyone.
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Greatest President ... at getting impeached. Twice!
(Thank you. Thank you. I’m here all pandemic. Please try the vaccine...
#ImpeachTrumpAgainNOW
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Please watch this. Proof that many Trump supporters are decent people that are being manipulated. There are too many reasons to think Trump & his gang are monsters but this one struck a chord for me. Maddening and profoundly disrespectful. This isn't politics. This is treason.
President Trump and his campaign often share manipulated videos on social media. It is defended as humor, but his supporters aren’t always in on the joke.
@donie
fact-checked a fake, viral video with a supporter.
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Is there more oxygen in the room? There's more oxygen in the room. Thanks Stacey!
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Umm...SO MANY things to say about this but the big take away is that
@ariel_Comedy
is super funny and total class.
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Tonight while playing one on one soccer with 9 year old son he tried to change the rules half way through the game. I told him "don't pull a McConnell". My son understood what was fair. Join me in supporting Joe Biden via
@actblue
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We’re never going back to wearing neckties, right? I mean newscasters, politicians & Diane Keaton can keep doing it if they want, but the necktie thing is stupid and looks ridiculous with sweatpants.
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Is McConnell now trying to convince the historians he has no soul?
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Today my family terrorized, I mean visited an apple orchard and overpaid to pick our own apples. Following tradition we lost our two youngest sons in the corn maze for an uncomfortable amount of time.
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“He wouldn’t know the suburbs if he took a wrong turn.” Biden about Trump.
#Debates2020
#debates
#bestlineofnight
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"And the winner of Best Political Ad Ever goes to..."
(Turn sound on!!)
Vote for change.
Vote for our sons.
Vote for Joe.
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Apparently Pence denies the existence of climate change questions. Answer the questions!
#Debates2020
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Sound on!!! This man yelling embodies all my fears and why this elections is so important. Please vote.
“God bless our president, I will die for him.”
Trump pulls a surprise drive-by visit with supporters outside Walter Reed Medical Center
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'Twas the night before the pardons,
when all through the house
Not a MAGAt was Tweeting,
Not even Giuliani and his dinner, a mouse;
Even after the Insurrection,
87% of the GOP still believed the lie or didn’t care.
So the rest of us waited for the end of the nightmare.
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Thank you
@Twitter
,
@jack
and
@TwitterSafety
for putting the safety of the people over profit! Now to find some Republicans with that courage.
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