Sarah Cooper
@sarahcpr
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#UNFROSTED is streaming May 3rd on @Netflix . My book of essays FOOLISH is out now from @duttonbooks
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I can't wait for you to see this delicious movie. A tale of ambition, betrayal and sugar. Jerry Seinfeld’s directorial debut, UNFROSTED is coming to Netflix on May 3.
@jerryseinfeld
@melissamccarthy
@JimGaffigan
@wilfredburr
@SebastianComedy
@iammaxgreenfield
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Pence: Stop playing politics with people’s lives
Trump: You better vote for me if you want a relief bill
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It’s true! I’m getting a Netflix special! And I couldn’t have done it without all your support, THANK YOU SO MUCH ❤️❤️❤️
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If they want to ban TikTok cuz it’s owned by China shouldn’t they ban Trump since he’s owned by Russia
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Petition to turn Trump Tower into subsidized housing, since that’s what it’s apparently been this whole time anyway
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Trump is literally just tweeting, all day, every day, he does nothing else. Honestly I’ve never felt more qualified to be president
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Breaking: Trump says he cannot release the results of his Covid test because they are under audit
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White House releases guidance on how to stay COVID-free:
1. Don't get tested
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He spent 4 years golfing. And people are still voting for him. I will never understand it
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Oh my god, when they said Trump would kill the republican party, they meant... literally
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I knew we’d be happy but I didn’t realize we’d be spontaneous dance parties in the street happy. What a moment
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Are you feeling down? Isolated? Uncertain about the future? Worried about what comes next? Then you may be suffering from... consciousness
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Trump 2016: Things are bad, vote for me so I can fix them
Trump 2020: Things are even worse, vote for me or else things will get much much worse
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Lots of jokes about the My Pillow guy but ask yourself this: does anyone know who Biden’s pillow guy is? we’re about to have a president who has no advisors from the pillow industry, let that sink in
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Republicans gather to proclaim how well the country is doing, in an event held virtually because a containable virus killed almost 180,000 Americans in 6 months
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I hope Trump goes back to hosting celebrity apprentice but this time whenever he tries to fire anyone, they sue him and refuse to leave
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Honestly I have so much material I'm going to need a 3 hour special at this point
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They are now cheering the president's ability to DRINK A GLASS OF WATER
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New plan: we set up a fake university and tell Trump we're giving him an honorary medical degree, when he shows up we trap him in a Truman Show style world where we can watch him pretend to be president but he can't actually hurt anyone
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It is so exhausting being everybody’s one black friend right now
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Breaking news: Jared Kushner seen entering the West Wing carrying a notepad and a dvd of Weekend at Bernie’s
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My drug of choice tonight is hearing Sean Hannity say “President Biden”
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Kinda weird trump is only seeing fraud in the states he might lose, is that just a coincidence
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The RNC will likely be deemed a super spreader of both coronavirus and bullshit propaganda
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If Twitter can slap a warning on Trump's tweets they can turn off the retweet button on them. If you know it's false, why do you continue to allow it to be shared?
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Fun fact: The Constitution gives Congress the right to censure the president but when they don’t have the guts to do so, that responsibility will go to... *checks notes* ...Twitter
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Amy Coney Barrett watched Mitch McConnell obstruct Obama's Supreme Court justice nomination 8 months before the election but is now fine being confirmed WHILE PEOPLE ARE VOTING. She knows this is wrong and she doesn't care.
#VoteThemAllOut
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Ugh I've got this song stuck in my head it's called Fuck You Mitt Romney
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Retweet if you will never vote for another republican ever again
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Still processing the fact that I said the president has no clue what he’s talking about on national television 😬
Sarah Cooper: I like the ability to sort of take off the emperor’s clothes, take away the podium and the people behind him nodding and the suit.. and just have the words there with my facial expressions so people can literally see he has no clue what he’s talking about
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The news is so disturbing and anxiety inducing so to relax my husband and I are watching The Shining
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I don’t want 4 more years of this administration. Actually if someone could take back the last 4 that would be great. I want 4 less years
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Having the Blue Angels fly over the city for healthcare workers is like when I ask my husband for help around the house and he buys me flowers
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I want the national guard to arrest the looters in the white house
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I hope we are able to get Trump out of office in 10 days. But I will never get over how bad it had to get for us to even have a chance of getting rid of him
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Starting to think the only deal Trump ever closed was the one he made with the devil
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How to person woman man camera tv
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This picture should be in the dictionary next to the word failure
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I’m sorry, whose anger is on trial here? The person who killed someone or the person who saw someone kill someone? ffs
In a tense exchange, bystander Donald Williams pushed back when the Derek Chauvin's attorney asked whether he grew more and more angry with Chauvin during the fatal arrest of George Floyd.
"I stayed in my body. You can't paint me out to be angry."
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Biden should seek a recount of Alaska just to fuck with Trump's head
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I hope the ghost of Ruth Bader Ginsburg haunts them all forever
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“No I’m sorry, you go ahead.”
“No please you.”
“No I cut you off.”
“No I cut YOU off!”
“Okay if you insist...”
“I do!”
-Scene from the first presidential debate between two women
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You guys, we have gotten to see Trump lose multiple times every single day for a week! God is real
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I’m not thanking Republicans for shit at this point. I’m done praising them for doing the bare fucking minimum after what they’ve put us through
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If Trump wins in November and Democrats do not gain control of the Senate, it will be the end of American democracy and there will be a Trump in the White House for the next 20-30 years. Happy Monday!
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Next time someone asks me who my favorite comedians are I’m just going to say Republicans
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I don’t know why Leslie Stahl even gives Trump the time of day
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Good news guys, on Fox News they're saying racism doesn't exist. Woo hoo
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You can’t expect to be successful if you spend all day scrolling Twitter on your phone. At some point you need to get your shit together and scroll Twitter on your laptop
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If more testing creates more cases, and Trump gets tested every single day, then… shouldn’t he... ya know... be the most likely person in the world to get it?
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If Hillary Clinton was tweeting that she won the election a week after she lost the election she would’ve already been declared persona non grata by her own party
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I believe we should do everything we can to prevent more people from dying... but, you know, I don’t want to get all political on here
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My god can we just have one year where nothing happens just one year
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Rudy Guiliani’s covid diagnosis proves that the virus can travel from bat to human back to bat
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Someone just pointed at me on the street and said “look it’s Donald Trump”
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A dating app where you watch a comedy video and you match with people based on which part of the video you laughed at most. This is either brilliant or evidence that I only got 2 hours of sleep last night
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Finally, a president who will actually work from early in the morning until late in the evening and make many calls and have many meetings
#InaugurationDay
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Why am I *already* watching the news like I have no clue how to pace myself
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Listen, I hate Trump as much as the next guy, but... if he gives Tucker Carlson coronavirus, I dunno, maybe he does deserve the Nobel peace prize
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I’ve almost reached my 100 book reading goal for 2020 just 99 books to go
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Trump: "We've got some incredible answers and we'll let you know what those answers are once we make them up"
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Republicans are basically saying black votes are illegal, next they’ll say they’re only worth 3/5ths of a vote
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Me Tuesday: Please, please, just get to 270
Me today: I WANT ALL THE STATES ARIZONA NEVADA GEORGIA PENNSYLVANIA I WANT THEMALLLLL
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These impeachment hearings are like if Sesame Street was trying to figure out if Cookie Monster ate all the cookies
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