Alan Davies
@alandavies1
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All football stopped as a mark of respect when Her Majesty the Queen died but we carry on with the Qatar World Cup when over six thousand migrant workers are dead. No one should go there.
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Don’t come by boat, would be my advice.
What the hell is happening? Do I need to get on a plane and come over there? WTF?!.
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Today is the 50th anniversary of my mum dying from leukaemia. Her ashes were buried in an unmarked spot so there’s never been anywhere to put a flower or to take my three kids. The youngest is 6, the age I was when she died, which might be why I want to mark this particular year.
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Sad news about Sean Lock. Funny on stage, hilarious off. We met in 1988 right at the start of our stand up careers. I hadn’t seen him in recent years as he quietly wrestled with illness but I feel very sad today for Anoushka and their children. RIP Locky.
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This might not seem important to those outside TV. But Dorries is about to sell off a major asset to the highest bidder. C4 was established to give opportunities to independent prog makers, not compete with US giants. It doesn’t make TV, it’s a platform and it has been a success.
Repeat: the problem with Dorries is nothing to do with her sex or class. It’s that she quite literally doesn’t know what she’s talking about.
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Twats are piling on @joelycett I gigged in Dubai a few yrs ago,the English promoter was nice & I was curious. It was creepy as f***. A 2000 seat ‘Opera House’. 4 white men on the bill. 50 degrees outside but migrant workers everywhere building like it was a nice day. Never again.
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Apart from all the documentary & film makers, most of us in comedy had our first TV gigs on @Channel4 before the BBC hired us. Someone else would definitely have been in Jonathan Creek and probably QI, if I hadn’t been on C4 first. It’s ours, why sell it? We must be really skint.
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I love Blue Whales, that blow hole is an evolutionary miracle.
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On the principle that if I say nothing I’ll be added to a list of people who think everything will be alright I just want to say, it won’t. Showbiz is screwed,folks. Every musician, comedian & actor you know & love started out in the venues that will disappear without help now.
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I miss that man
Going through some old photos, a welcome surprise to find my great grandmother is, in fact, Alan Davies @alandavies1
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I’m bang up for hosting MOTD this weekend. Looks a straightforward gig & well compensated. I promise to have no views on human rights (or common decency). I’ll concern myself with the sportswashing mega powers of football & will try to distract viewers from their ill-gotten gains.
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Couldn’t go to a cafe after the school run this morning so sat on a bench I’ve never used before, with a book and a takeaway coffee, and found I had this view.
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Watching that final @taskmaster brought it all back. All of us on the stage CRYING with laughter & having to be quiet like school kids. @VictoriaCoren @destheray I knew were wonderful but I’d never met Morgana or @GuzKhanOfficial & loved them too. Thanks to @AlexHorne & @gdavies.
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My dog has done its business outside the oligarch Usmanov’s (seized) front gate. So proud of her. I’ll pick it up of course, not sinking to their level.
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Risking accusations of self-aggrandisement, or just being a knob, I’m posting a link to this ep of TV Heaven,Telly Hell that I recorded with Sean Lock many moons ago. We laughed so much that night,mainly at him taking the piss out of me, obvs. via @YouTube.
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Very sad to hear that Paul O’Grady has gone. Shocked by the news. Such a nice man, and so funny. As Lily Savage he was razor sharp but he was so warm. There’ll be a lot of tears around the world of comedy and tv today.
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Before a QI recording once John Sessions told a story about Liz Taylor & Richard Burton having a drunken argument in a Los Angeles hotel during which she had ‘an accident’. He did both voices & sound effects. I’ve never laughed so much in 18 years of QI. So sad to hear he’s gone.
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Do you think they’re trying to tell me something. ?.
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In a hotel room in Paris with the family. The kids have seen the Mona Lisa, Eiffel Tower & notre dame for the first time. To be here in this city, our neighbours, reading about the amazing turnout on the march today in London gives me hope that we can turn this Brexit mess around.
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My best Jeremy Hardy line, his response to being told we are all responsible for the ozone layer & global warming: ‘I may have a couple of squirts under my arms but I’m not Runcorn chemical plant am I?’.
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Sad to hear about the wonderful John Bird passing away. Hard to think of a smarter, funnier person and he had a lovely chuckle too. RIP
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This me post Astra Zeneca jab. The correct way to wear your sticker incidentally.
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When the PM is a serial liar and his advisor is a serial liar then the truth can be repurposed as an opinion. That’s how populism appears to work. The tuth is only one alternative, it’s optional.
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Dry your eyes Uber. You undercut your rivals, exploit your workers, and your drivers have no idea where they are. Ever. Good riddance.
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Nice day on the lockdown park bench. The icy patch I sat on has now melted so that’ll be a good look when I stand up.
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Watched the final in quarantine with my family. Wonderful! Four year old in an Arsenal shirt, ten year old bouncing off the sofa. Nine year old eating pizza and asking when it will end. Perfect. Up The Arsenal.
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I deny everything.
QI Series T Episode One is filming and we have a studio audience for the first time since 2020. Sandi is telling an anecdote about Björn from ABBA and Alan has said something so rude it will never make it to broadcast. It's good to be back.
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New series of QI starts tonight on Channel 5. Not really. BBC2 of course. At 4pm. Not really. 9pm. I think. Why have you come to me anyway, I get everything wrong, right?.
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I’ve gone for the next bench along this morning, and I’ve got a bakewell pastry. It’s all happening.
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Padded seat, to be fair, not just any old khazi. But still, it’s a great big bog.
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Lessons from returning to social media number 1:.Tweet about new book and audiobook coming out:.Lose 1000 followers. .
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It’s not acting.
I love watching @alandavies1 @sanditoksvig and QI but why does Alan always take things too far act like a fool??.
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Recording QI later. Resuming the series interrupted by the lockdown. A smal invited audience in isolated bubbles will be in attendance. .
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I’m in quarantine at home, having come back from the virtually covid-free Costa del Sol through the shambles at @HeathrowAirport to the coronavirus capital of Europe & not only can I not go to the FA Cup Final I’m now also not supposed to watch it in the pub. #whatwouldcummingsdo.
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Tonight’s new QI episode ‘Rude’ (BBC2 9pm) was recorded just before lockdown. It occurs to me now that @JohnBarrowman was the last person outside my family that I embraced.
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This little song has had a new lease of life at home in recent years as the kids love it. They look blank, not knowing what to say, when I tell them my mum used to sing it, so I just play it again. RIP Bernard.
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Woke up this morning and realised I haven’t moved on. @maitlis is the one in trouble after all this? Unbelievable.
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So this is how a Tory leadership contest operates, you go around the country saying you didn’t mean anything you’ve ever said while your advisers try to find out just how many people you have to promise to deport to get elected.
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Finally, it’s all about ME.
On tonight's QI (10pm on BBC Two) @alandavies1 tells an anecdote that, we promise, will have you in stitches. To get you warmed up, here's a compilation of our favourite Alan Anecdotes from over the years. 'This one time, we had a tiger on Jonathan Creek. ' #QI #QImovestoMondays
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Woke up this morning, looked over at my beautiful wife as she lay there sleeping and thought. Alexis Sanchez! woohoo!.
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Here I am living the dream in a sealed booth during a pandemic reading my own book to myself. You can see from the look on my face it took ages. I’m proud of the book though and if you want an audio version it’s available here:
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Other firms weren’t allowed to compete. Even with a face covering on there is a whiff of corruption in the air.
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Much patronising of the yoof on social media telling you young'uns to 'vote'.This is incomplete advice that I'm happy to add to: Vote Labour.
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Erm. pick up trucks loaded with Molotov cocktails, zip ties, Nazi sloganeering like ‘six million is not enough’. All a bit different from peacefully asking for a second vote and peacefully accepting that it wasn’t an option.
How are hardcore Trump supporters philosophically different from those who wanted to overturn the EU Referendum result?.
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Pleased to hear tonight’s spanking new QI has gone down so well. Rarely had so many happy tweets. Well done all at @qikipedia.
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This presidential debate is excruciating. It’s like a row in a pub.
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80-1 to be the Doctor?! I’m normally at twelves at least. Feels like the Tardis is slipping away. Darn it, just when my kids are the perfect age to watch.
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I rarely share feedback on my recent memoir as it’s only of interest to me but this run of three reviews on the esteemed Amazon website might raise a smile (thank you to ‘kindle customer’). Support your local bookseller of course.
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I hope 2022 will be the year that @campbeagleoffic are successful in their campaign to close down the MBR Acres puppy farm. Any support you can give would be appreciated.
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Hear ye: .If you get a text message like this: “Royal Mail:Your Package has been held and will not be delivered due to a £1.99 unpaid shipping fee. To pay this now, visit: https://royalmail etc etc” don’t do what it says,they will clone your card & order a £30 meal from Just Eat.
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Fantastic support from @WatfordFC supporters but this is a mockery of a Cup Final. Financial doping is ruining English football. City are a great team but Financial Fair Play is a joke.
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I often walk my dog past Athlone House and wonder what goes on behind the new gates & fences. Turns out it was bought for £65m by a Russian oligarch who won’t denounce Putin. RT if you agree it should be seized & repurposed to house Ukrainian refugees:
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If only everyone in Manchester had had the good sense to go to Eton when they had the chance.
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Happier times. The sound of the audience is greatly missed. I know we’ll meet again some sunny day. (and I know I’m not a hero btw).
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Paperback of my book is available on June 3rd. Pleased that the shops will be open.
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Hi @virginmedia your customer service call centre in India is a disaster. You just get passed around from person to person. The new one isn’t told anything about the call by the last one and then eventually they hang up. Happens every time.
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I always forget everything I say on this programme. I’m sure you do too, before anyone jumps in, but it does feel weird to have NO memory of any of it. @joelycett is anything but a fool, he’s a joy.
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On stage with the great Barry Cryer at Ealing Comedy Festival in 2016. He seemed to be always smiling and was always funny, a huge loss to us all, comics and audiences alike. Thanks to @stevebestpics for finding this.
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Junior Doctors on the picket line outside the Royal Free were giving first aid lessons to passers by,using a dummy person on the pavement 👍🏻.
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Yeeess! Well done Lionesses! Watched it over breakfast on holiday and was just starting to fear pens…
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Sean Hughes with Linda Smith, Felix Dexter, Caroline Ahearne, and Malcolm Hardee as compere. That is a fantastic bill we’ve lost too soon.
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Carrie Fisher was v good fun on QI. This is another terribly sad day. Thoughts to @DebbieReynolds1 and all Carrie's friends and family x.
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New WI tomorrow night. Good line up. Can’t be arsed to correct the auto correct of WI which happens NEARLY every time I type QI. Aye aye.
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RIP Victoria. Irreplaceable. Smart,sharp,funny as anything. Very lucky to have met her. Love this: Another sad day.
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🇳🇿I love Christchurch,I’ve visited several times,the South Island is the most beautiful place imaginable.I’m horrified by the news today, it’s a city that has suffered so much with the earthquakes and now this appalling far-right terrorist atrocity.Stick together NZ.
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Nice morning in London, time to walk the kids to skool. I'm going to keep calm & carry on, until they take ages putting their shoes on. .
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He’s still in his job? What possible advice is Cummings giving now? ‘The last thing you want to do is sack me, Bunter’.
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I was there too. In fact I’m still there now. .
Today is a the QI Christmas party and we’ve just passed 999,000 followers. Can we make it to a million before the mince pies are served? All retweets and follows appreciated! #onemillionelves
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My travel insurance Company have sent me a reminder that I need to renew. Love those guys. And to think some people say everyone’s lost their sense of humour during the pandemic.
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I walk my dog near Athlone House in Highgate.Turns out it’s owned by an oligarch who paid £65m,as is nearby Beechwood House (£48m).London’s historical greed is shameful. RT if we should seize & repurpose these places & others to house Ukrainian refugees:
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Passport control @HeathrowAirport is a shambolic covid transmission centre.The kind of mass gathering we’re told to avoid.100s queuing for an eternity filling in a data harvest form about where they’ve been, who with & where they’re going next,all for an unenforceable quarantine.
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Imagine working on this show for twenty years. Perhaps I have another life in another dimension like Spiderman.
Swear words - regardless of the language in which they occur - are less likely than other words to contain the letters "l", "r", "w" and "y".
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Another day another park bench in lockdown. Swans join hunt for vaccine.
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Tears for Manchester this morning. Unbearably terrible news. A great city and great people.
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While being all in favour of people buying my book from their local bookseller, I was surprised & delighted to see it at no 54 in the Amazon list today. Thank you to all the readers who have left ratings and reviews both there and on Audible & Goodreads. Very much appreciated.
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We’d all do it in a heartbeat!.
Post a cancelled TV show you wish would come back. Whites, in its mere 6 episodes, is one of the funniest, most brilliant things to ever be cancelled. @alandavies1, please make it come back (I don’t care that it’s been 13 years).
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So sad to hear about Rik Mayall.He was so great to be around on Jonathan Creek. Funny, funny man and a comic hero in my teens.Terrible news.
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@iainjluxford @JeremyClarkson @DannyBaker5Live @stephenfry I don’t know why I’m pulling that face but it wasn’t anything to do with Danny or Jeremy, both of whom are great company.
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The French Dispatch is so funny. All the way through. Just saw it at the new Curzon in Camden. No one else was laughing much but I’m refusing to doubt myself. It may have been the Malbec but I thought it was brilliant,all I want now is to be in a Wes Anderson film in any capacity.
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FYI we've made the first 3 new eps of QI this week.They've been great.There will be a new Jonathan Creek special & a series of Damned on C4.
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I just heard Norm Macdonald has died. He was one of my absolute favourite comedians. I loved his whole tone and attitude. Very, very funny. RIP Norm.
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