Jeremy Clarkson
@JeremyClarkson
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I am a still small voice of calm and reason.
Joined March 2012
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Dear the newspapers. I didn’t “battle” Covid. I lay on my bed reading a book till it went away
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One of the things I’ve noticed in these last few hours is that so very many people on Twitter are truly awful human beings.
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Don’t worry if your A level results are disappointing. I got a C and 2 Us and I’m currently holidaying on this boat.
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If the teachers didn’t give you the A level results you were hoping for, don’t worry. I got a C and 2Us and I’ve ended up happy, with loads of friends and a Bentley.
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Don’t worry if your A level grades aren’t any good. I got a C and 2 Us. And I’m sitting here deciding which of my Range Rovers to use today
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If you really want to know what I think: get vaccinated. It’s not a government plot. Governments can’t even mend pot holes.
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Twitter is a handy and constant reminder that socialists are disgusting people.
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If you didn't get the right A level results, don't worry. I got a C and 2 Us, and my chef is preparing truffles for breakfast.
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A level results a bit rubbish? Don’t worry. I got a C and two Us and I’ve rented this place for the summer.
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Do please watch Clarkson’s Farm 2 this weekend on Amazon. People seem to be loving it. And the soundtrack is amazing.
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A level results not great? Don’t worry, I got a C and 2 Us and I’m currently building a large house with far reaching views of the Cotswolds
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I’m genuinely amazed at the response to Clarkson’s Farm. Thank you all so much for your kind words.
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As abuse is no longer allowed when we speak about F1, I’m forced to say Ferrari’s strategists are brilliant.
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If your A level results are disappointing, don't worry. I got a C and two Us, and I'm currently on a superyacht in the Med.
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I was trying to think of something to say but Boris Johnson has said it all. Whatever you think of him, the man can write. Some beautiful words about a magnificent monarch.
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I’ve had a really good idea. Why don’t we all just agree this Brexit business is far too complicated and pretend it never happened?
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What pisses me off is that I know some great Russians and some great Ukrainians. And I’ve had some fucking great nights in both countries. Putin: you are such a cun
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It’s not the end of the world if your A level results aren’t what you’d hoped for. I got a C and 2 Us and here I am today with my own brewery.
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I’m so sad to hear that Michael Gambon has died. He was hugely amusing, and such a tremendous guest, we even named a corner after him.
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Oh dear. I’ve rather put my foot in it. In a column I wrote about Meghan, I made a clumsy reference to a scene in Game of Thrones and this has gone down badly with a great many people. I’m horrified to have caused so much hurt and I shall be more careful in future.
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Many many thanks for all your support and encouragement over the years. So sad and sorry it's ended like this
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Nikita Mazepin. You fucking retard. Go and race in Russia on your own. You’d still lose.
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Why are we letting the government do what it’s doing? I’ve properly had enough.
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I had the Astra Zeneca vaccine yesterday and my blood is still a liquid. So it’s fine.
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You need a doctor once a year maybe and a fireman once in a lifetime, if you’re unlucky. But you need a farmer three times a day. Wise words from Kaleb Cooper.
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Terrible news about Sabine Schmitz. Such a sunny person and so full of beans.
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If safety is this important in F1, it’s probably best to not race at all.
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You can live without heat and clothing and even sex. But you cannot live without food. Please support British farming.
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I’ve spent my life working in extreme heat and we survived by having a beer under a tree. Climate change is real. Drink more beer.
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So many kind messages about today’s reports. But relax. Lisa and I have not split up and I have not been sacked as host of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.
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Dear everyone. There has been some speculation that a second series of our farming programme has been commissioned. It hasn’t but we are hopeful.
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It’s out now. And the Guardian’s TV critic doesn’t like it. Which means you will.
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I can reveal now that contrary to various silly reports, the farming show was never cancelled. Amazon were just as keen as us to get cracking. And now we are doing.
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My profound thanks to the people and government of Zimbabwe for helping to make a very special Grand Tour special, very special. We absolutely adored everything about your country. Apart from the pot holes maybe.
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Delighted to say our latest adventure is out now on Amazon Prime.
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If your A level results aren't joyous take comfort from the fact I got a C and two Us. And I have a Mercedes Benz.
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God almighty. Alonso is epic. This is the best driving I’ve ever seen.
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News channels. Can we stop asking morons on the street what they think about things?
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People of America. Is everything OK? Because from where I’m sitting, it looks like you’ve all taken leave of your senses.
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It was the biggest crash I've ever seen and the most frightening but incredibly, and thankfully, Richard seems to be mostly OK.
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Delighted with the result but the stewards need to be banned. We’ve had enough of them.
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It’s really busy at the farm shop today and I’m sorry we can’t provide proper car parking. Until we can, the local police, who are very great and much on our side btw, do ask that people don’t park on the main road.
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I’m watching the cars on the road outside my house. It’s more interesting than this Monaco shit show
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Obviously, I don’t care who wins this just so long as they go on to absolutely batter Argentina.
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People of America. You sent Piers Morgan back to the U.K. Now look what we’ve sent back to you. Ha. We win.
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Many many thanks to all of the people who have called for my reinstatement. I'm very touched. We shall all learn next week what will happen.
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If your A level results aren't great, be cheered by the fact that I got a C and two Us. And I'm currently sitting in a villa in St Tropez.
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Quick message to the chap flying in circles 500 feet above my house: fuck off.
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Right. We should have 24 hours of despair and moaning, and then we will all have to roll up our sleeves and make this shit shower work.
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People of abroad. Do NOT come to London until
we can get rid of our clown mayor.
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Ah. Clever. Only Hamilton on the track. That way he can’t hit anybody
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Can the journalists in the press conferences please drop the blame game and ask a relevant question? Is the vaccine working? Start there.
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Only May, Hammond and I could do this: end up 500 miles away from the entire crew, on the wrong island.
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Seb was a bright star in F1 but I think he’ll be even brighter when he’s out of it.
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Fucketty fuck. Had to stop harvesting because of, and I’m not making this up, the fire risk.
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I have travelled a great deal over the years and have always said London is the best city in the world. But Kahn is seriously fucking it up.
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This shit weather is annoying. But imagine that you’re a farmer…..
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Happy Christmas to everyone. Except the Tierra Del Fuego people of Argentina. You lot can sod off.
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Can I just say how fucking reassuring it is to see the British Army is now involved in vaccine distribution.
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Doctors say Richard Hammond suffered no damage to his brain in his bike crash. Because he hasn't got one.
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Can we just be clear on this. The Grand Tour goes on. Amazon has commissioned another series of nothing but road trip specials.
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With a skeleton crew, filming for Amazon Prime's new motoring programme has begun.
http://t.co/8PaYvke5il
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It’s very hot in the south of France but so far as I know, there’s no DefCon 8 level 3 killer death heatwave warning in place.
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Oliver Bearman. Absolutely fantastic result. I’d have crashed.
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One year ago today, I had my last cigarette. Smoked half a million of them over the years but don’t miss it really. Weird.
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I'm very excited to announce that Hammond, May and I have signed a deal with .
@AmazonVideo
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If Boris doesn’t hurry up, the BBC is going to run out of communists to interview.
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And here is the fantastic news. A HUGE amount of piglets
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Amazing. It turns out that all of Twitter knows everything there is to know about the virus. I don’t know why we have scientists.
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Thankfully, the global warming is now over but tragically, its brief visit took the life of my big pig. RIP pig.
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Look on the bright side. In about 3 weeks, we will know everyone’s real hair colour.
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What a monumental twat this man is. I cannot wait for the day he goes to prison.
http://t.co/d3mU6j0mdK
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Dear the US Airforce. Why have three F16s been circling over my house for the last 30 minutes? Is it that speeding fine from Nevada I didn’t pay?
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