My TV column today is about Jilly Cooper and Owen Wilson. If you don’t fancy paying the subscription charge, don’t worry: the opening line is the best bit and it’s free.

All right, Karen and Jimmy. #strictly

Karen is my favourite. I just think she’s really really likeable. #strictly

What a nice, goodnatured tweet. ❤️ I feel like an idiot for not questioning that story more when it went past. I had heard of Multiverse and their apprenticeships, and it sounded like a very good thing. UNLIKE ID CARDS.

Only Connect is on tonight! And, *as far as I know*, all the facts I read out will be correct. But I guess we’ll soon find out. 8pm @BBCTwo

Come on. I know it’s a hassle, online and everything, but you can do it. He seems like such a nice man. Brave. And would you dance better than that? NO YOU WOULDN’T. Vote Ross. 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿

VOTE FOR ROSS Even if just for tonight #Strictly

Meanwhile, if you see a clip of me saying the ID card contract has gone to Tony Blair’s son: it hasn’t. That was something I was given to ask about last night, but turns out to be incorrect. Which is bad news for the fact checkers but good news for social mobility.

In my TV column today, I’m nostalgic for the days when anybody had a shred of privacy to invade.

Making topical comedy at bleak news times can be so tough but, in my book, it’s thank heavens for the return of @haveigotnews where Ian and Paul work magic to conjure laughs when there are none. At 9pm with wonderful Miles Jupp and Sheila Hancock - and me trying to host. @BBCOne

My column today is about cheerleaders! I had totally forgotten until I saw these gorgeous sparkly dancers on #Strictly. Feeling Christmassy already. https://t.co/ptiIGab3Mw

In today's TV column I'm speculating about Muff Liquor, the Booker Prize and what Sarah Jessica Parker would think of my shoes. https://t.co/U6vYZQXxfu

Is there a register of fraudster phone numbers? Some guy just rang with some nonsense about “your loft insulation”, but hung up when he realised I wouldn’t be easy enough to con. Should I report his number to a list somewhere? In separate news, Only Connect is on tonight !

Back writing a TV column after a long break, today it’s about The Thursday Murder Club and my own murderous attempts…

1997 - Noni Madueke is the first player with all five vowels of the English language in his name to score for England since Paul Gascoigne against Moldova in September 1997. Scrabble.

Well done to the Sorcerers. Fine wall technique. #onlyconnect

Only Connect is on tonight! In ten minutes, in fact! Never let it be said I forget to plug the programme when it’s on. #OnlyConnect @BBCTwo

This is a five pointer on #onlyconnect @VictoriaCoren

I think tonight’s episode of Only Connect is the one where I was struggling not to laugh during my introductory remarks. Also I wore black, meaning I appeared legless at the wall (as usual). Oh well, I never claimed to be a professional. #OnlyConnect 8pm @BBCTwo

I was drunk and made a straight on the river on a paired board. Opponent asked the dealer if he had to get called to receive the high hand bonus for quads. Dealer said no, he bet $100. I went all in and he said "I call, I have quads"