Chris PG/๐๐๐ฅ๐๐๐ก๐๐ฉ๐๐
@_Papaglitch_
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Comedian | Nerd | Mentor | Mini painter | @Official_Throne @IntoTheAm Partner | Enquiries: PapaGlitchOfficial @gmail .com
He/Him
Joined October 2008
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Pinned Tweet
I HAVE MADE A NEW CHANNEL TRAILER!!! I'm quite proud of it, it'd be lovely if you have it a watch and let me know what you thought! It's just something for people to see when my channel on Twitch is offline
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Yes why wouldn't I want ยฃ150,000?
You're offered ยฃ50,000, but if you accept, the person you hate most in the world gets ยฃ100,000 - are you taking it?
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Just sharing this. Lost 59lbs since Jan 22nd, running 10k this morning and feeling amazing.
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I'm replying to NFTs with "oh wow I'd love to see this on a t-shirt" so bot tee accounts pick them up and funge the shit out of them
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Here me out: A pub crawl but instead of pubs it's cafes and bakeries, instead of drinks it's cakes. A bun run.
Who's in?
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Story time: years ago I had a very bad relationship that made me hate everything about myself. Ended up throwing out anything that I thought made me a failure, all of my nerdy hobby stuff
Today I found that my mum had hidden some of it in her loft because she knew I'd regret it
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Don't be angry that more adults are seeking support with ADHD and Autism, be angry that they didn't get that support when they were children
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In the D&D game I run for my daughters they were asked by dwarves to destroy a goblin tribe but instead uncovered a racist dwarven teacher radicalising students against greenskin races, they then went to the authorities and had them arrested. See, it's easy.
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What an utterly terrifying combination of words
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Just learned that New Zealand has banned selling cigarettes to anyone born from 2008 onwards so eventually no one will be able to buy them and I think that's brilliant
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If I had $44bn you'd never hear from me again
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ADHD is that thing twitter does where it suddenly refreshes the feed and you can't find the interesting tweet you were halfway through reading only it's all the time.
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The MCU is running out of ideas
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My daughter has just asked me to tell her what "mansplaining" means, help I think this is a trap
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Do you still panic when the card machine takes an extra second to go through with a payment or did you grow up rich?
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Gods I miss this era of GW artwork
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Trifle can fuck off. Who thought "cake is great but it would be so much better wet"
Bastard
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Day 13 of my joke advent calendar!
Enjoy
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Every time I remember the bullies that called geeks "virgins" in school I laugh because I have never met a hornier, freakier group of people than geeks. We have to check what type of dungeon master our friends are, just saying.
Also there's no right amount of sex.
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The key is to reply to the inevitable T-Shirt bot response with the same creating a never ending loop of capitalist feedback
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@beasasira
Why does he only beat up working class people and get rich by having rich friends? He now feels like Republican propaganda
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Last week I hit the weight I was before I met my abuser, today the last black mark on my credit history because of her was cleared off. She's gone. Men don't talk about these things and I've always felt alone and ashamed but today she can't effect my future anymore.
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If you enjoy a creator's work, tell them.
Sometimes the only thing that stands between creating more and quitting is a compliment.
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Someone talking about their dog:
"Oh he's a beautiful Cockapoo, we had to meet his parents first to make sure he had the right temperament"
Someone talking about their cat:
"He's an asshole, he's black and white, we found him in a bin."
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When startled the queen will retract entirely into her crown remaining there until the danger has passed
Career goal: being able to send my hat to events I donโt really want to go to.
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@sarahhollowell
I was in tears in front of my computer the other day when I had a couple of hours free time and could play a game but just couldn't
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My retirement plan is the world ending in ten years
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"I'm not getting the vaccine! I don't want Bill Gates tracking me"
*Sent from IPhone at 43 Street Road, Slough
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If you're surprised that Facebook sells your data then you're the reason why packets of peanuts have "may contain nuts" written on them
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Kids don't grow out of ADHD they learn coping mechanisms that mask it externally so people don't sneer at them while they continue to struggle internally.
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If you're not smart enough to understand that this is a joke you're definitely not smart enough to understand what NFTs actually are
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The only Blue Tick that matters
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@JimMFelton
Fuck me imagine the delusional confidence of being that PE teacher going to the headteacher to complain about his students giving him erections
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NFT bros getting bot replies to their trolling of this post is the best result I could have hoped for
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A classmate told my youngest that she didn't like her because she's too confident, she replied with "That seems like a you problem"
*Chefs kiss*
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Look I'm just saying that not being able to pause a video game in 2022 is absolutely ridiculous, I can pause live news if my kid comes in to ask me a question but not in some video games. How is that a thing?!
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I haven't watched Turning Red but the type of people it's pissed off indicates I'll love it
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Today I turn 40. I'm happier and healthier than when I was 20. I started my comedy career at 28, my streaming career at 38 and I play video games, Dungeons and Dragons and paint little toy soldiers. Don't let anyone tell you you're too old for joy.
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Year on year. 12 months of work, 84lbs/38kg lost. Kept the weight off over Christmas. Feeling pretty proud of myself right now
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Today a psychiatrist told me that I definitely have ADHD, then I phoned my mum and cried as I explained the things that made me feel worthless as a child were actually all symptoms. This is why diagnosis is important. Nothing has changed, everything has changed.
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They're so close, so very very close to realising
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The G in TTRPG stands for Game not Gatekeeping. Let people play any way they want.
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@Okeating
Imagine being in standard job and your boss calls you in for a performance review and you're like "In the 3 years I've been IT Manager there hasn't been a single day we haven't had a complete systems outage, that is no way to run a department"
"You're right mate, you're fired"
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My youngest was really sad when she heard, due to new Covid-19 regulations, she wouldn't be able to have all her friends at her birthday party, we didn't want her disappointed so we've hired a maths tutor, now they can all come.
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Monthly tweet to weed out anyone who shouldn't be following me
- Black Lives Matter
- Trans women are women, Trans men are men
- Gender is a social construct
- Love is love
- The pandemic is real
- In all respects rich people are the problem
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I'm 39 today. If you're worried about getting old, don't be. You are going to care less, understand more and appreciate things in whole new ways. You'll enjoy small stuff and wonder why you gave yourself such a hard time. I'm way happier now than when I was 29 or 19. Relax.
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I'm very much looking forward to the Queen's speech this year when she slams 3 shots of bourbon, pours another, looks into the camera and just goes "Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccckkk"
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@Hayles_Ellis
@KellyannePolls
@POTUS
Fixed it
Roses are red,
I serve my Potus,
The truth doesn't matter,
We hope you don't notice.
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I think the most terrifying thing about this is that it doesn't say what of
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I'm putting it out there I'm currently not playing any Dungeons and Dragons, or any TTRPG for that matter, and would like to. Anyone got space at their digital table?
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It's really easy to not sexually harass someone, you can just not do it and go about your day not being a disgusting criminal
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Heard someone call NFTs "Nerds Fake Treasure" and that's all I'm ever going to refer to them as from now on
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All my Warhammer rulebooks, all my White Dwarf magazines, she didn't even know what any of it meant or what was important she just knew that I loved it and was under the influence of the trauma I'd been through.
There's boxes and boxes of it. I got very emotional
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Found out Asda will print anything on a cake so that's the only way I'm sending out CVs from now on
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Leonardo DiCaprio hates all these jokes about him because they're getting old fast
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It was like reconciling with a piece of myself that I'd thought was lost. It was like my mum was telling me she didn't care who I was as long as I was me because that's what was important and she loved me. It's hard to explain how much I've always hated myself and how this helps
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I lost a bunch of followers after I posted this so here it is again just in case I missed anyone
My students got me a t-shirt as a thank you for mentoring them through their 8 week comedy course while they raised nearly ยฃ5k for Cancer Research, words to live by
#blessed
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@sonofrudd
"What's your rate?"
"Well I can accommodate most budgets so what's yours?"
"No no just give me your rate and don't worry about it"
"Ok for this work it'll be this much"
*Never hear from them again as it's too expensive but I would have discounted if I'd known*
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If you think video games are making kids violent you wait until you take them away from them
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I was thinking about getting a Peloton but realised we already had a perfectly good clothes horse
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My wife and I don't celebrate Valentine's Day but we do celebrate Valentine's Boxing Day on February 15th when supermarkets panic sell boxes of chocolates for 25p
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Just a reality check, easing the lockdown doesn't mean the pandemic is over it just means they've now got room for you in intensive care.
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When they told me I was the gifted kid at school they didn't tell me the gift was anxiety.
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FFS Katrina I nearly died, let me have my toast
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Educate your sons on how they should treat women so my teenage daughters don't have to. I'm sick of telling them how strong they are for standing up for their basic rights, THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE TO BE STRONG YOUR SONS SHOULDN'T BE FUCKING MONSTERS.
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Just heard Elon Musk referred to as "Phony Stark" and quite frankly that's made my week
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I know right! It's bloody awesome! Thanks for pointing out how awesome my life is bro, being an adult with adult money and kids means I can play video games with my best friends any time I want!
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Asking to be paid for your work isn't gross. Accepting tips isn't begging. People wanting to support you for your content is absolutely how it should be.
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Controversial opinion - everyone should just be given a house. That's it. It's then yours and you have to upkeep it. You can buy another house in the future but the one you were given goes back into the pool of houses to be given to someone else. Vote PG for PM
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I'm more surprised that people were still paying to watch Roy Chubby Brown when you can download angry diarrhoea sounds for free
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If you like piรฑa coladas And gettin' caught in the rain you'll be happy to know the pubs in England are opening up again tonight
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Devastated to find out I'm not a Millenial today, send condolences
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Hey look instead of tagging a load of people for follow Fridays or having a post with a huge list of people replying for self promo Saturday neither of which help discoverablility or engagement just retweet the people's stuff you like, it's way more useful.
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Today I got back a bit of me I thought someone had stolen and was lost forever.
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My Nan's response to being told the definition of pansexual
"Oh darling, that's just the 60s"
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I love that some of the replies and QTs are like "I can't believe you address racism in that game where half the rulebook is dedicated to the best way to murder someone"
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From October it'll be roughly ยฃ2.50 for a ten minute hot shower which means it'll be cheaper to get a gym membership, go daily and use theirs. Can't believe the Tories are going to be the reason I get abs
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Oh no! Now Jehovah's Witnesses will know we're in
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I stopped eating avocados a week ago and I still don't own property, this is bullshit!
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A massively lovely person just gave me this after I attempted to buy it off them! If you know what this is you'll know I'm currently freaking out
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Jacob Rees Mogg is on sale at Wilko
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@Paul33845445
@JasonManford
Haha thanks Paul! Couch to 5k app from the BBC, stay under 2k calories a day and no alcohol. It's all I've done.
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@ThatKevinSmith
This is absolutely fantastic, when I found out I was losing my eyesight to pre diabetes I jumped on the bandwagon and lost 115lbs so I know this shit isn't easy. Huge congrats, you've done incredibly!
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TTRPG idea. D&ADHD. It's Dungeons and Dragons but there's no guilt when you get distracted and the group just has to go with whatever anyone's suggestion is even if they've not been keeping up with the game. Singing is encouraged.
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I don't know about you but I'm starting to think there's a lot more neurodivergent people than they originally thought
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Comedian in 1976: "I'm telling my one joke, thanks for the ยฃ1m cheque"
Comedian in 2021: "I am currently learning Hollywood level movie editing, compose music, graphic design, 15 digital platforms for PR AND write constantly to keep up. Please buy me a coffee"
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Really glad to see that politicians are getting ยฃ10k extra each to work from home while NHS frontline staff are getting...checks notes...a round of applause
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You're not allowed to compare anything to life in 1976 until you sell me your house for the price you bought it at the time
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Lost and gained a lot of followers tonight. Just going to purge anyone else that's unclear of my stance on things
- Trans lives matter
- Black Lives Matter
- Trump supporters are scum
- Tories are scum
- Anti maskers are scum
I'll get back to telling jokes later
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To the person that keeps emailing me saying they've hacked my computer and is going to release a video of me masturbating if I don't pay ยฃ2k I say please do, this is a very rare opportunity to get feedback and I'd love to know if I've been doing it wrong all these years.
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You never say a geek is "10 out of 10" you tell them they're a natural 20, it's just polite
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Every week my mum watches my Sunday show and every week she donates ยฃ15 to my Ko-fi account because (in her words) "It's what I would have paid for a ticket to your live show". More of this energy in the world please, my mum is amazing.
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There's some media outlets that need to hear this. Having a scientist and an idiot conspiracy theorist on as guests for your news segment isn't a balance or showing a lack of bias. Having a scientist with evidence and another science with counter evidence is balance.
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Watching the waiter take a sizzling fajita plate to someone else's table
Timothรฉe Chalamet and Zendaya for Entertainment Weekly
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Pronouns in bio means we're probably going to get along nicely
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