Will Watkins
@WilliamAWatkins
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Following
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I'm a simple man making his way through the galaxy.
New York City
Joined July 2009
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JIN JIN JIN
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Filipina
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WELCOME HOME JIN
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うたコン
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NuNew 1st Solo Concert
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ライエモ
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FINAL SEASON
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Piala Asia 2027
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#HappyFengfanDay2024
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#祝26歳_フェンファンとの毎日幸せだよ
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ジンくん
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Pinned Tweet
18yr old Will: *carries condoms just in case things get spicy*
35yr old Will: *carries TUMS just in case things get spicy*
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"Ain't no rule says a dog can't be King of England!”
- Heir Bud
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I love LOTR fans because they’re not mad that a black actress was cast as the dwarf queen, they’re mad she doesn’t have a beard
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Transphobes are boycotting Planet Fitness because they allow Transgender people in the locker room
As someone who both supports the LGBTQ+ community and hates having to wait on a bench, my response is
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@Sharronica
She wrote one column a week.
One column. Per week.
One column. And made enough to live in nyc.
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The moral of every Stephen King book is don't marry a writer or visit Maine
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Gaffigan is out here telling MAGA folk to go fuck themselves and there are some open mic’rs who “don’t want to alienate their fan base”
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Christopher Meloni just walked past me but I wasn’t sure so I looked behind me and saw his phat ass and was like, “Yep that’s him”
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Democrats Republicans
🤝
Murdering Jeffery Epstein
to cover up pedophilia
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@bscomedian
There’s a scene in “Pirates” where the ships crew watch two women go at it and one of the onlookers shouts “Yarr! That’s the spot!”
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Saying “don’t make fun of those billionaires on that submarine this is serious” is an admission your parents paid your rent until you were 30
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I can’t believe people are making death threats to get this Lex Luthor back
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Ari Melber quoting rap lyrics will never not be funny to me
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With this Omicron variant, the end of 2021 just seems like lazy writing.
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People argue about whether or not Die Hard is a Christmas movie
People argue about whether or not the first Harry Potter is a Christmas movie
Both star Alan Rickman
He was also in the Christmas movie Love Actually
He played a villainous role in all 3
Alan Rickman was Krampus
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“I’m not taking the vaccine because my friend is in the medical industry and they say it’s not safe”
“Are they a doctor?”
“No, they worked as a production assistant on the TV show Scrubs”
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@Brian_Sauve
But us dudes can, right?
Like, it’s still ok to show my tits?
What does Jesus think of my tits?
I need to know if Jesus likes my tits.
If you have his phone number will you send Jesus this picture of my tits?
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1) I saw James Franco eating breakfast in the park
2) Even better, I saw a woman realize she was walking by James Franco eating breakfast in the park
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Ana de Armas’ terrible American accent in “BLONDE” is payback for Al Pacino’s terrible Cuban accent in “Scarface”
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“That is the cutest dog I have ever seen”
- Me, seeing any/every dog
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"All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand."
-Steven Wright
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Woody Allen is suing Amazon for $68millon.
They could probably get him to settle for under 18.
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Biden saying climate change is real in front of DeSantis while taking his sunglasses off is legit Dark Brandon shit
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I haven’t had a lollipop in years & I 100% blame online banking
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Just found out the new SNL cast member from Miami did one of my bits on Weekend Update
I may not have made it on the show but at least one of my jokes did lol
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Jeremy Renner in Endgame: “I will travel through time and space to save my family”
Jeremy Renner in real life:
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ABC cancelled Roseanne for tweeting racist conspiracy theories
That’s like burning your fingers after the waiter said “Be careful the plate is hot”
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The "Greatest Generation" made black people use separate toilets so maybe they should stop trashing millenials
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@NYPDTransit
@NYPDnews
@NYPDChiefOfDept
@NYCMayor
@NYPDPC
@NYCMayorsOffice
Did y’all really just make Daleks?
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"Chocolate contains antioxidants" he mumbled while eating his 3rd piece of cake
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George Lucas: “I want all copies of the Star Wars Holiday Special destroyed”
Disney:
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Fried chicken at a restaurant is like $25 for a breast and some bland mac n cheese
“Gas station” fried chicken is $4 and you get a whole bird plus 3 sides and 12 biscuits
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Anyone who still says “I’m not gonna be a guinea pig” after 46 million Americans have been fully and safely vaccinated needs to retake elementary school, Billy Madison style
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Just realized Kumail never had a shirtless scene in the Eternals so he got healthy for nothing
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My financial portfolio is pretty diverse.
I play both Powerball AND Mega Millions.
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They cancelled the show COPS so my sympathies go out to all the South Florida comics who lost their only TV credit
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Last night I watched both “The Many Saints of Newark” and “The Muppets Haunted Mansion”
One is a cinematic tour de force that deserves repeated viewings and the other is a prequel to the Sopranos
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James Gunn was fired for his offensive tweets and Donald Trump was hired for his
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@fem_mb
Transphobes don't get to tell transgender people that they have to accept bigotry because only THEIR happiness matters, not their privacy, dignity or safety.
You're not a feminist, you're just an asshole.
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@arichsomebody
@Sharronica
Yeah but that wasn’t until the end of season 4 and she had been living in NYC for 10+ years by then
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As a kid, I stopped wearing T-shirts with superheroes on them because people would make fun of me
As an adult, I stopped wearing them because people would start conversations with me
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I’ve had a bunch of people unfollow me because of my political views which is fine but be sure to take the word “snowflake” out of your mouth and put it on your forehead
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“I dunno. The pandemic was actually pretty good for me.”
- QR codes
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Ron DeSantis seeing the FBI raid Mar-a-Lago knowing he could’ve tipped Trump off but didn’t so he’d have no rival in 2024
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Goddam… Jonathan Majors might have the best physique in Hollywood IMO
He’s gonna be the villain in both the next Creed & Avengers movies and he looks like he can wipe the floor with all of them
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A comedy contest where all of the comedians get paid and the prize is that the audience laughs at their jokes
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Captain America: “We don't trade lives.”
Wonder Woman: “I wish that the soul of my dead boyfriend takes over the body of an innocent man so I can use him like a haunted dildo.”
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You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.
#BachelorInParadise
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“Thin-skinned woman who abuses transgender people plays the victim card”
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Bill Clinton, Donald Trump, Prince Andrew, and Elon Musk waiting for the
#EpsteinList
to get released
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Modern day Sex and the City:
Miranda: “Fuck the police!”
Samantha: “Been there done that, honey!”
Charlotte: *says something tone deaf like ALM or some privileged bs*
Carrie: “As I looted the Chanel store, I couldn’t help but wonder, aren’t we all just trying to breathe?”
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@ryanarey
Enjoyed this episode
Not only was it fun but it moved the plot
Toxic fandom will always nitpick and focus on the 1% bad while ignoring the 99% good
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Questions for all the people posting about losing weight during quarantine:
1) How did you do it?
2) Why are you lying?
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If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, & swims like a duck, it’s probably Antifa dressed like a duck to make ducks look bad because I, a fellow duck, refuse to admit that I belong to a group that is clearly in the wrong, or I’m so delusional I no longer know what reality is.
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To recap, Lil Nas X:
• got white country fans to accept a black artist
• got black people to like a country song
• got homophobes to sing along to a song about receiving anal sex
Nobel prize?
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The people celebrating Chrissy Teigen’s miscarriage are 100% Qanon & MAGA shitheads which proves they were never “pro-life” but, rather, “anti-woman”
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I decided to move apartments in NYC during a pandemic, in the midst of a presidential election, on a 35° Halloween weekend through The West Village because I wanted to see how many straws this camel’s back can carry
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I guarantee you 100% of the people marching for Trump today have also complained about participation trophies
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Unpaid internships are a great way to further ensure that kids who come from wealthy families have an advantage
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Trump "The theater must always be a safe and special place."
Abraham Lincoln: "Pussy."
#PenceAMusical
#hamilton
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1) This is some solid in-game film advertising
2) YOU DUMB PIECES OF SHIT
#jeopardy
#spiderman
#spidermanfarfromhome
@TomHolland1996
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I smiled at a dudes dog and he pulled it away from me. Like, chill out fella I'm not trying to fuck your spaniel.
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Roy Wood Jr should’ve been the host.
One of the funniest, smartest comics working who is genuinely kind and would’ve reinvigorated the show.
Can’t wait to see what he decides to do instead.
Roy Wood Jr won’t be returning to The Daily Show as he no longer wants to wait for someone else to take the top job.
"I can't come up with Plan B is while still working with Plan A”
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Hailey Bieber wearing a Nepo Baby shirt showcases how people born with a silver spoon trivialize legitimate discourse over inequality
This stunt is the modern “let them eat cake” and anyone applauding it is either benefitting from that inequality or brainwashed into upholding it
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