I’ve got a new and typically awful song out now Not that it matters Does anything really matter? No We’re all just pointless bags of meat full of tribal hatred towards one another https://t.co/wJ8r6lR11d

PIANO. *plays the softest, most heartbreaking melody you ever heard in your life* TOM WAITS, leaning into microphone.

@maxxin_alll_J We call them ‘Lord Chuffington’s Thimbles’ of course Proper tasty they are too…

Fun Tip: Pretend you’re at a hotel buffet every morning by holding your plate while you’re waiting for your toast.

What was the temperature in that room

Purchased this at Tesco today. No mention of Christmas anywhere on it - Woke madness.

@RobertJenrick

GIVE your guts a good workout by simply gobbling a few Senokot immediately followed by a handful of Imodium

Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It's terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all-natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.

WORK out how dead you are by simply putting the % sign after your age. (via @foolsmould)

@TwopTwips give your Cornish pasty a 'pretentious twat' twist by applying the brown sauce like a Michelin star chef

GIVE your cock that 'FAB' ice lolly look by dipping it in chocolate then rolling your bellend in sprinkles. (via @mostly_grumpy)

Basic politeness to let the person with the full trolley go ahead of you if you’ve only got a couple of things, ffs…

@TwopTwips Feel younger by doing this to paracetamol then pretend you're 19 & at a club.

THWART potential biographers by simply living a mundane and insignificant life

BECOME a successful celebrity lookalike by simply becoming famous and then pretending not to be you. (via @BisleyT)

CAT not paying you enough attention? Simply attach a couple of fake eyes to the back of its head. (via @siimonsez)

Make it look like you've been at some fancy event by just sticking 'gettyimages' at the bottom right of a photo. (@TwopTwips)

WRITE the alphabet around the edge of your ironing board to encourage ghosts to do the work for you. (via @GrahamGoring)

EMPLOYEES. Turn the workplace into an exciting video game by fighting your Boss at the end of the day. (via @JEEM1E)

ELIMINATE the need for time-wasting airport security checks by always travelling naked. (via @Bromptonite)