My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.

Whenever I go to the grocery store to buy produce I can’t help but think of the hours of footage they must have of me trying to open those little bags.

A ghost joined us on the walk to the school bus this morning…

Reading a book about plants at bedtime and my 10 yr old pointed to a picture of a ‘beech’ and said, “this is you.” Can’t even get mad at him for that one.

Do I have legs for days? I’d say so. Had these ones for almost 38 years.

Feeling down? Have you tried chips and salsa-ing about it?

I think Hannibal Lecter and I have different definitions of “Girl Dinner.”

I hope whoever installed my crooked bathroom mirror 10 years ago thinks about it as much as I do.

Asked my 9 yo how his day went and he responded with, “well, it started off just like any other Wednesday…”

My super power is saying: “all good, no worries!”, when in fact that was not good and there are many worries”

Any social media app: Would you like to Sync your phone contacts? Me:

I feel like now would be a good time to release the Kraken.

NEW SCARY VIDEO! Haunted cats, possessed ELMO, and flying bicycles. No bullshit- these are literally things in the video. 😃 https://t.co/wRl7hjCwal

When your email does actually find me well

One day, you’re young and carefree. The next, you completely understand why your grandparents ate dinner at 4:00.

Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time

turns out, that light at the end of the tunnel? huge fire

I'm reading a book about the life of Henry Ford. It's an autobiography.

I just undercooked chicken so badly that Gordon Ramsay appeared out of nowhere just to yell at me.