Stephen Mangan
@StephenMangan
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New book out in April! THE DAY I FELL DOWN THE TOILET
Joined February 2009
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So excited that our new book THE DAY I FELL DOWN THE TOILET is coming down the pipe in April.
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That’s a bit harsh. Call him Prime Minister, show some respect.
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Trying to find a way to talk about Paul Ritter and struggling. My friend since we were students together. So much talent and it shone from him even as a teenager. I was so lucky to know him and lucky too to work with him many times over the years. Wonderful man. RIP.
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There are Priti Patels in every industry. In mine they are the ones who are sweet and charming with the producers & directors and total c*nts to the runners.
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Dear Americans, THIS is what an election in a mature democracy looks like. Yours,
The UK (H/T
@loobstery
)
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This plank would have been striding around the Titanic shouting, “I will certainly NOT get into a lifeboat, I am at supper. This is a monstrous imposition.”
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One Britain
One Nation
One rule for them
One rule for us
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When you think of all the lowlifes, fraudsters, conmen, hucksters, corporate sleazeballs, insider traders, gangsters, bent politicians and emotionally empty sociopathic joy destroyers out there - sure, go after Rashford for feeding kids. You twats.
Just heard
@spectator
are planning to run a story on me tomorrow about how I have benefitted commercially in the last 18 months…To clarify, I don’t need to partner with brands. I partner because I want to progress the work I do off the pitch and…(1)
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Thing about a crisis like this pandemic, it is genuinely not a question of partisan politics - the crisis is either handled well or it’s not. A country like New Zealand has handled it well. We, with the highest death rates IN THE WORLD, have not. That’s just a fact.
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We laugh at Trump when he says “if we don’t test for COVID then we won’t discover any new cases” but that’s exactly our own government’s position on Russian interference in our democracy.
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I know they’ve told us to move on but two quotes stand out in today’s Sunday Times piece “Boris has always been clear he doesn’t ever say sorry” and Cummings’ reaction to the Durham story going public - “They can go f*** themselves”.
#StayElite
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Today is the longest day. All the others this year have just felt like it.
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How unlucky to get the most breathtakingly incompetent government in modern times at precisely the moment we needed the exact opposite.
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Couple of people miffed that I referred to Boris Johnson as ‘Britain Trump ‘ last night. That’s not my nickname for him, of course, it’s Trump’s.
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Is there anyone left who believes a word this wretched man says? Beyond embarrassing for our country.
#PMQs
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Rutherford (Kiwi) split the atom, Bell (Scot) invented the telephone, Berners-Lee (Brit) invented the WWW, ‘settling’ the Wild West=murdering the Native Americans, the 2 WWs not all yr own work. Otherwise you’re good to go.
"Americans harnessed electricity, split the atom, and gave the world the telephone and the internet. We settled the Wild West, won two World Wars, landed American Astronauts on the Moon—and one day soon, we will plant our flag on Mars!"
— President
@realDonaldTrump
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A new variant of stupid has emerged.
Patients have turned down the chance to have the Pfizer coronavirus vaccine because they want to "wait for the English one", a doctor says
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Weekend round up: PM & Sunak have to self-isolate but don’t.
PM admits No. 10 flat refurb *was* paid for by Tory donor.
Dido Harding won’t publish details of meetings with firms who won Covid contracts.
BUT DON’T WORRY because this guy appointed by PM to watch out for sleaze.
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Our thoughts and prayers are with you
Ok it's 2am just finished my spray tan. I'm so exhausted
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Translation: ‘It’s been explained to me that we’re not suppose to say out loud and in public what we actually think because apparently it’s awful’.
"I realise that what I said was wrong and caused a great deal of distress and offence."
Conservative
@ABridgen
apologises for defending
@Jacob_Rees_Mogg
's Grenfell fire "common sense" remarks
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I’m confused - what are doing at 8pm tonight? Clapping? Booing? Driving to Durham?
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“It’s erasing history”?? You don’t need to worry, slavery fans - the murders, the abuse, the torture all happened. No one can take that away from you. Some people don’t want to celebrate it, that’s all.
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Just passed Steve Coogan filming new Alan Partridge series in Soho. Very tempted to yell “Dan” at him but he was just about to do a take.
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I just accidentally bullied loads of civil servants.
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The leader who simply doesn’t know how to lead. Everyone could see it, Hancock had to go. Everyone except
@BorisJohnson
. F*cking hopeless.
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A repeat of me hosting
#HIGNFY
got more viewers than an interview with the failing low-ratings
@realdonaldtrump
Sad!
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I for one am thrilled to learn that my tax money is being used by the Tories to pay for articles in Tory newspapers to explain to Tories how well the Tories are doing.
Finally some honesty! The Daily Mail comes clean that it is sponsored by the Government.
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There really is an old Trump tweet for absolutely every occasion.
@BarackObama
who wants to raise all our taxes, only pays 20.5% on $790k salary.
http://t.co/bqF26mQf
Do as I say not as I do.
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It’s SO weird, isn’t it? Who the heck has been whipping up this anger and division?
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Still, good news for the six Rees-Mogg children who now have “But, daddy, you lied to the Queen” at their disposal.
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According to
@thetimes
, children with special needs are neither pupils nor children. Have I got that right?
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The ads during the cricket are almost exclusively for hair loss and erectile dysfunction - rather stereotyping us cricket fans. I have plenty of hair.
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Can
@KathyBurke
do it please?
EXC Boris Johnson has launched the search for a new £100,000-plus a year spokesman to become the face of the Government in televised press conferences from this Autumn.
A job ad asks for someone to "communicate with the nation on behalf of the Prime Minister".
Apply by Aug 21.
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Dear Daily Mail, rather than running snide pieces on Marcus Rashford how about having a look at some of this?
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Why the quote marks,
@thetimes
? It’s unlawful. Not ‘unlawful’. You need to edit your ‘newspaper’.
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"Thems the Breaks" - a damaging farce, coming soon to
@ITV
(h/t
@AislingRoberts
)
@StephenMerchant
@RealMattLucas
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Colleagues are IMPLORING us to stand. We are considering our options and will act solely in the best interests of the country.
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Welsh secretary resigns from cabinet for lying. Frankly if he’s prepared to resign for lying he has no place in Boris Johnson’s cabinet.
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HE DIDN’T GET CHILDCARE IN DURHAM. HE GOT FOOD LEFT ON HIS DOORSTEP.
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Loved my stint on
#Pointless
. I had to leave, though, to become the next Home Secretary.
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The end of the road for
#TheSplit
tonight. Last one of the last series. A huge thanks for the incredible support you’ve given the show. A privilege to have been involved.
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I didn’t get an Oscar nomination this year but last night I voted to reopen negotiations with the Academy to give me one.
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This has been handled with the all the leadership, compassion and foresight that we’ve come to expect from this PM.
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To be fair, it’s better than no deal. In the same way that having your face gnawed off by a rat is better than having your face gnawed off by two rats.
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Yet more presidential, statesmanlike and grown-up behaviour: Benjamin Netanyahu publicly congratulated Biden on winning so Trump has unfollowed him on Twitter.
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Boris Johnson - “We will make Britain a science superpower”. Priti Patel - “This is exactly what our new points-based immigration system was designed for — attracting the best and brightest based on the skills and talent they have, not where they’ve come from.”
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This is already the best thing that will happen this year.
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A reminder that Trump’s fake news tactics have been drawing admiring glances from this side of the Atlantic
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23 women have credibly claimed that they have been sexually assaulted by President Trump. I’m not sure a woman screaming, the sounds of things smashing and her yelling ‘Get off me’ at Boris Johnson is going to put off his fans.
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This cracking bit of logic from today’s
@Telegraph
“Accident & Emergency waiting times are now the worst since records began…the Conservatives said the situation underlined the risks of putting Jeremy Corbyn in charge”.
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Journalist: Why do you keep over promising and under delivering?
Boris Johnson: We can look forward to a very different world from Easter onwards.
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Ok PM, just tell us what you’re doing and why you’re doing it. Spare us the tragic details about how tough the decision has been on you or how much it pains you to have to take it. It’s not about you, cupcake.
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This from
@Jacob_Rees_Mogg
categorically untrue but hasn’t been removed. Why? Either Mogg is mistaken and should delete and apologise. Or he is deliberately lying. The longer it remains up, the more obviously the latter.
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Now Gove is claiming that he too has gone driving, more than once, to check his eyesight?! This is just becoming weird. If you’re going to lie for your mate,
@michaelgove
, I suggest you try to make it even vaguely plausible.
Michael Gove has told LBC he has 'on occasion' driven to check his eyesight, but the Minister said he was 'not an authority on driving.'
@NickFerrariLBC
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“Boris isn’t fit to lead” says The Spectator. The Spectator - right wing, ex-editor
@BorisJohnson
, currently employing Dominic Cummings’ wife. And they are right - he isn’t. “He is not up to the job” they say.
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No one is claiming it’s been easy being in charge during this crisis - but the shamefaced LYING is unforgivable. This from Patel is utter horseshit.
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*opens Twitter: sees Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Piers Corbyn and Jimmy Savile are trending, closes Twitter*
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I think you’ll find there were 11 EU players in the team.
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Right now Trump has access to the nuclear codes but he can’t post a funny cat video on Facebook.
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Didn’t think they’d win the Brexit vote.
Didn’t have a plan for delivering it if they did.
Haven’t been able to deliver.
So shift the blame.
To Parliament/EU/Supreme Court.
They need to create a new story where they are the victims.
And generating anger helps hide facts.
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Goodbye to one of the worst PMs we have ever had. I have no confidence that the next two will be any better.
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I know I wrote this tweet but I can’t in all good conscience support it so I resign.
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So the end slice of a loaf is (according to you weirdos) - the knobby, knobby end, knob end, nobbly, knobbler, norbert, doormat, topper, nut end, noggie, noggin, ender, crust, butt, outsider, tush, doorstep, bumper, healie, nub, bum, bum end, knocker [all wrong] or heel [correct]
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Why is our PM always late for these gigs? Who does he think he is - Axl Rose?
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How blatant is this attempt to whip up anger, hatred and division? How disgusting, toxic, nauseating and self-serving. The whole of the EU are now ‘people that hate us’?
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When every single minister in the cabinet owes their job to Brexit loyalty - wonder which of them will push for an inquiry into whether that vote was interfered with? 🤔
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A £1.5bn of our money just to keep herself in office after years of devasting austerity? Shameful.
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Lord Frost - championed REMAIN in the ref. Then negotiated and voted for the BREXIT deal. Then decided the deal he negotiated and voted for was no good. Then tried and failed to renegotiate it. And now he’s quit. What a mess we are in.
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Can’t the Prime Minister communicate with the nation on behalf of the Prime Minister?
EXC Boris Johnson has launched the search for a new £100,000-plus a year spokesman to become the face of the Government in televised press conferences from this Autumn.
A job ad asks for someone to "communicate with the nation on behalf of the Prime Minister".
Apply by Aug 21.
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Wrong headline
Oscar-winning actor Kevin Spacey declares he lives life as a gay man
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Ok so now we’ve established he does know how to use a phone. We can eliminate that line of inquiry.
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The daft idea that it's more patriotic to want to leave the EU is one of the reasons we're in this stupid mess.
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The Nigerian team’s travel outfit. Back. Of. The. Net.
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Coming over here, being fed by Sikhs from Coventry…
#FarageGarage
Sikh groups, including Coventry-based
@LangarAid
have arrived in Dover to help deliver food and water to stranded lorry drivers in Kent:
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They can’t all be this thick. Surely.
Native American protestors at Mt Rushmore confronted by Trump supporters shouting Go home.
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Miserable election campaign, some grim choices tomorrow. We deserve better. But unless you’re very rich and don’t give a toss about people who aren’t - then voting to stop the Tories getting their predicted huge majority seems sensible/important.
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Bloody foreigners. Coming over here, paying more tax than us.
The average adult migrant from the European Economic Area yielded £2,370 more for the Treasury in 2017 than the average British-born adult did
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Dangerous inept clowns
Downing Street have just sent out this 137-word explanation of their new coronavirus slogan.
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Protesters are being banned from Jeff Sessions’ lecture on free speech.
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