If I was a guy for 24 hours I'd run around trying to find things to stick my dick in for the whole entire 24 hours.

Everyone wants a big booty woman until you realize you have to tighten up the toilet seat every three weeks.

You can always count on me to make shit awkward.

This tequila tastes like Brenda in the Facebook Neighborhood Group is about to find out what I really think about her lawn ornaments

If she eats Cadbury Creme Eggs she will eat ass. It's science.

Fascination in myself through you.

Your past doesn’t excuse you acting like a total fuckwad to others

Every night I say, “I’ll see you in the sunshine ☀️…” and he says, “or whatever we get.”

If you're such an avid participant in the dom/sub lifestyle then I would think that you know the difference between "dominate" and "dominant." Then again, maybe your true kink is illiteracy.

I could have stayed in bed all day but none of you offered. Rude!

The least you could do is be fucking nice!

I just want a woman to eat ring doughnuts off my boner. Is this too much to ask?

I’m at my most suspicious when things are going well

I included a provision in my will to leave several of you my Favstar trophies when I die.

Yesterday I encountered a guy walking around inside a very busy store having a conversation on speaker. Why would you not just stay in your car until the call was over? Oh, that's right - because almost everyone is a self-centered, entitled, narcissist douche.

People who say "8 am in the morning" are the same as those who say "ATM machine" and "SAT test": they're stupid.

[In closet trying to figure out what to wear] Alexa, what does a dragon slayer wear?

Make FUPA Great Again

You sure make a lot of noise for somebody who claims to be suffering silently

I’m gonna post on social media how much I love you, but I’m gonna be ignoring you in person

If we combine your innate ability to choose the slowest grocery store line with my aptitude for getting behind dipshits not driving the speed limit, we will be unstoppable.