For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar

I made voodoo dolls of my dogs just so I could still rub their bellies while I'm at work.

I asked my doctor if I'm healthy enough for sex and he told me I'm not even sexy enough for health.

DOCTOR: we found drugs in your system ME: is there anything you can do DOCTOR: no you did them all

There’s no cool way to chase a receipt down the street.

Nurse: What about your depression? Me: Jiffy Lube said I could still drive on it

Watching NFL RedZone (2025)

It’s an unsexy time to be alive

I just gave a squirle a peice of bread and it straight smashed all of it!!!! I had no idea they ate bread like that!! Haha #crazy

Bela

This should be the new Cracker Barrel logo

Hey I think there may have been some crossed wires from that email I sent you about borrowing your son! So just to clarify - I need to borrow your newborn son,

I'm experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.

JD NO!!

Thank you, ground beef, you most forgiving of proteins. Because of you, I can say I have a signature dish.

Federal agent assaulted by sandwich admitted to Mayo Clinic

PRIEST: do you have the ring ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd

Calling out of work bc I'm still mad at my boss for what he did in my dream

“Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars” demonstrates an absolute misunderstanding of distance

There's an old saying where i grew up. "Never share our sayings with outsiders or you will be banished"

don’t be coming in my house pouring no big cups of juice