Shannon
@ShannonJCurtin
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Writer. Mom. Sometimes funny. Work in @NewYorker @mcsweeneys @SlackjawHumor @hobartpulp @Pointsincase @The_Belladonnas Opinions all my own.
Hampton Roads
Joined May 2008
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Hey friends, my first novel, STAY CENTER is available for digital preorder! If you like YA, best friend breakups, shooting sports, and enemies to lovers...might I suggest you order a copy? :)
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My 8yo had the audacity to ask me why I cross my legs when I sneeze.
You, dude. You are the reason.
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My 4yo woke up this morning crying that she didn't want to go to daycare. 30 minutes later, she skipped out the door, smiling and ready to see her friends.
You might be wondering how this happened. As a parenting expert, let me explain. 🧵
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My 4yo put on a pair of jeans for the first time yesterday and as soon as buttoned them she said, "Mommy, these are NOT good pants," took them off, threw them across the floor, and put on leggings.
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4yo, crying hot tears of frustration into her waffle: "I. DON'T. WANT. MORNING. AGAIN. Turn it off!"
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I'm scared to say it too loud, but have we culturally decided full-butt panties are good again? I've seen a few emails with links to full-butt panties and I'm so excited.
Can we stop pretending thongs are comfortable? Is the nail in that coffin?
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Holy cow. I *know* my child breaks down after I pick her up because I'm her safe space and she's been holding her little self together all day, but damn. It is exhausting to be handed a tiny blonde volcano every weekday.
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I'm going to start rejecting my kids behavior like agents reject my query.
"This tantrum, while quality work, isn't for me,"
"I am not the right fit for attitude at the moment."
"My wishlist for Bedtime Behavior is very specific and I'm sorry to say this isn't a fit."
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One thing no one mentions in the baby books is how to store the rocks that suddenly appear in your house when you have children. So many inside rocks.
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On every road trip there is one person who says "let's pack a cooler with sandwiches and eat lunch in the car on the way" and one who says "let's not even have coffee at home because YOLO" and they end up married to each other.
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@orchid_muse
"It is exhausting being the only person in the house who has the strength to replace the toilet paper."
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@bella_ice97
Yea, I should have told him "You dude. And our country's abysmal lack of postpartum care." I feel the the OB was like "here's the baby, see ya in 6 weeks, hope you don't die!"
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@rmmckenny
In the Nicholas Sparks movie version he keeps the seed until she leaves him for college in the big city and he grows an entire pumpkin patch empire while she's gone.
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@bigu
dELiA's was the catalog I circled the most things in and then did the math and never placed a single order.
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@clhubes
Personally, I feel like listening to adults talk about things you don't understand at all is a key part of being a kid at a holiday gathering.
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"Just put them to bed earlier," is my favorite sanctimonious parenting recommendation. It doesn't matter if I start bedtime at 7:30 or 9:00, I'm not climbing out of the bedtime foxhole until 9:45.
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@ambernoelle
Someone should hook grandma up with dog lady and her daughter should book a cruise instead.
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Mother to 4yo:
7:15 Get your shoes on.
7:20 Get your shoes on, please.
7:23 Please put your shoes on.
7:25 We need to leave, can you please put on your shoes?
7:30 PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW!
4yo:
7:31 *Cries, shoelessly on the floor* I can't! You made me sad!
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You do not fully become a parent until you have the moment where you think "I love this child with all of my being, and I absolutely need them to be away from me right now or I am going to walk into sea."
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@sewistwrites
My favorite is using vintage fashion as a means to point out that people were smaller. It's not necessarily a myth, but leaves a lot of context out.
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I admire her for saying what we're all thinking on a cold February Tuesday.
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Three weeks. That's how long we've been in school. Our school district lost it's first elementary school student to Covid in three weeks.
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My husband and I play this game where I ask him what he wants to eat this week and he says IDK and then after I grocery shop he asks me what the dinner options are and I list them and he says "I don't want that," and then I do not kill him.
It's fun. We call it "marriage."
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@Kris98111987
Have you ever wanted to know what it would be like to have a 6lb goldfish in your abdomen and then get hit by a truck and not sleep for a year? If so, babies are for you.
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My kid keeps asking why we don't decorate outside for Halloween and I'm tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it....like "daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation," or "Check Engine light comes on"
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I love that my doctor says "you're in perfect health, but what are you doing about your weight? Do you need nutrition and fitness advice?"
I mean, I'm 35-year-old working mom of a 7 & 3yo, trying to make it through a global pandemic, but sure. Tell me about vegetables again.
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I get to call the pediatrician tomorrow at 7:50 to nab my daughter a same-day sick visit appointment and it feels like calling the radio station to win concert tickets to a band I don't want to see.
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Me, refreshed and dreamy-eyed looking at my beautiful sleeping daughter, stroking her little cheek and whispering, "Good morning, sweetie."
My 4yo, her eyes still closed: "Stop."
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@renBolger
I'm was wearing a pair and she wanted to match me. She looked at me with such pity when she tried them on. 😂
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@clhubes
Everyone thinks they will be a patient parent until they watch a very independent 3yo try to zip their own coat.
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@ambernoelle
I feel like the 2000's instilled a fear of panty lines in a lot of us. "Oh no! I can't have people thinking I wear underwear! The horror!"
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I've been on this bird site 14 years, published poetry and short humor and sent many, many thoughtful/funny tweets and my first viral tweet is about sneeze peeing.
Makes sense.
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I would like to check myself into The Very Hungry Caterpillar clinic where you eat your feelings for 6 days, have a nice salad cleanse, take a two-week nap, and then emerge both beautiful and newly skilled.
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I have eaten some really wonderful meals, and hopefully I'll eat many, many more. Still, I don't believe anything will ever be as good as the plastic-wrapped turkey sandwich and world's smallest ginger ale they served me at 2am after a 36 hour labor.
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McSweeney rejections always kinda feel like your friend's older brother politely telling you he's very flattered, and you are a really cool 12-year-old, but he likes someone else.
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"Hampton Roads, you're gonna lose the pizza party for Virginia. Straighten up." -
@GovernorVA
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I'm always surprised when I post something my kid says and people think I made it up. Have you met children? I laugh out loud multiple times a day and I'm lucky if I capture 1-2 of the many ridiculous things they say every week.
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@offbeatorbit
@DogsArtandWeed
Canadians are too nice to scream their nation. Canada needs to be uttered at a regular talking volume or chanted in three bits at a hockey stadium.
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@clhubes
Lucy, it's the best first "out of the house" potty training venture because the clean up stations are right there! They're used to pee on the floor!
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I used to think librarian would be a great job. Surrounded by books. Cardigans and pencil buns encouraged. But then I realized how much peopling librarians do. Too much peopling, frankly. Kudos to y'all.
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@clhubes
If you live in the south you get the experience of calling a local exterminator because you saw a cockroach and they say, "oh sugar, those are just palmetto bugs! But we'll send Ray out. Bless your Yankee heart."
As if calling it a name that sounds like a daiquiri makes it ok.
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I write funny things about parenthood pretty regularly. You can find all the links at
This one is my favorite...
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@shawphd
@bella_ice97
"You have a baby AND you didn't die. What more do you want from us? Also, please get your body back soon. Time's a tickin!"
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Apologies for the late reply, we've been overwhelmed with queries all starting with "MOM!" so we're passing this one to our colleague, Dad. Good luck!
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@cappaml
Oh, sweet girl. There are some great, non-sarcastic tips in the thread. Validation is always good. I tell my kids everyone has to do things they don't want to do sometimes, grown-ups included.
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@anne3lovett
Right? "Kegels" Sure. This teaspoon will certainly help me bail out my rowboat.
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The "what's in the box?!" scene from Se7en, but it's a parent who found just found the lunch box their kid "lost" in September.
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When I was 8 I would regularly yell "I'll be outside," and then wander into the woods around my house and build lean-tos out of brush for hours.
Now, I feel negligent if I let my 8yo ride his bike around our neighborhood by himself for 10 minutes.
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@oldenoughtosay
Wild. I'm out here like, "what do you want on the pizza I'm ordering for you? Do you have a favorite soda I can make sure is in the fridge? Here's the remote and $100, we'll be back by midnight. Please come back."
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I'm upstairs. I hear the ice cream truck. I wait, but neither kid comes running for money.
Ten minutes later, 8 &4 are both sitting with snow cones.
Me- Did you pay for those?
8yo- Yea. I used my allowance.
Me- For 4's too?🥺
8yo- Yea. I love her.
My heart.
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Thank you to everyone's "how to get a kid to take medicine" suggestions. My daughter is now happily taking her meds with the help of blue gatorade and my promises that I will report her success to the following: Santa, her Doctor, Grandma, her teacher, and Cinderella.
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Y'all, I have terrible news. Revising your work over and over does in fact make it better.
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@clhubes
The only one I haven't quite figured out..and it's probably me because I am also Team Home Alone and only spent a minute googling, is how he ordered the pizza.
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One of the houses in our neighborhood rolls their popcorn machine out to the driveway and hands out bags of popcorn every Halloween and my children are still talking about it.
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My 4yo cried today because she'll never be the same age as her older brother. She is so mad at me that time progresses in a linear fashion.
"It's not fair! I want to be 8 WITH Quinny, Mom! Why can't you let me be 8 with him?!"
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@HeyMomOnRepeat
I assume they're not wearing panties? I could never. My underwear lines are.on full display, do not care.
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@clhubes
This is why there's never any parking at my daycare. So many people sitting and staring in silence in the mornings, haha!
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@JennaMoquin
Oh yes, I remember learning this word in the ER and being told to "take it easy." Something every new mom with older children can definitely do when they kick you out of the hospital 12 hours post delivery.
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I run a very nice travel agency for the four baby carrots in my fridge. They've gone on excursions to school, to after school snack, and to the mid-day grazing board and always end up safely back in the crisper drawer.
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@aubreyhirsch
"We will fit the kids into our lives instead of changing ours to fit the kids."
This is fine until you try to go to your fancy brunch place with a toddler who just figured out how to walk and realize no one is having a good time.
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My husband is a "let's do it later after a break" person and I'm a "complete the to-do list asap so you can actually relax" person and this is our constant struggle.
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Every time we watch Beauty and the Beast I wonder about how they pulled off that dinner. Did the castle receive deliveries? None of the townspeople were like, "Hey Phil, a teapot signed for the dry goods today? That's weird, right?"
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4yo-"Can I have this granola bar?"
Me-"You don't like granola bars."
4yo-"I DO!"
Me-"You have never liked these. I promise you don't."
4yo- "I YIKE THEM! I want it!"
"...fine. Here ya go."
"Mom. I don't yike this granola bar."
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@clhubes
I wrote a poem recently about how I worry more about my boy and toxic masculinity than I worry about my daughter. Maybe that's backwards, but it makes me sad to think someone is going to try to toughen up my sweet boy.
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@skkelleywrites
It feel sacrilegious to wake up a sleeping kid on a cold day and I hate doing it so much.
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Just stay home! Wow! I literally never thought of this option! Maybe Brian here is willing replace my salary to save my daughter from being a little sad in the car.
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Cake mom is so funny to me because I have never, ever attended a child's birthday party where the host wasn't pushing caking on every single person they could.
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There was a toddler sitting up at the front desk of daycare this morning blowing kisses and waving to everyone who walked it.
The director said, "She's hanging out up here for a bit because she's been a little too spicy with her friends."
I love everything about it.
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@N0toriousKat
I think he gets it. For years his bedtime story was his birth story which included "and then we waited and waiting and waited and then you were born 36 ridiculously slow hours later."
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@CatherineDunn8
I *like* jeans. I dislike that I cannot find a pair of jeans that fit my body for more than 20 minutes at a time. I am so tired of going on a quest for the holy grail of jeans every 2 years when the styles change.
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Hair people: is it annoying to stylists when clients walk in and ask "just do what you think will look best?"
Because that's always what I *want* to do. I mean, you're the expert. You tell me what you'd do if you had my hair.
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@clhubes
Don't forget to finish every meal with gum so you can continue to chew and trick your body into feeling full! So much gum in high school.
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@clhubes
Ah yes. I was recently informed by a Person on The Internet, that even though I am working during the day is my responsibility to provide a snack for my child during the 20 minute ride from daycare, where she has snacks, to our house, where there are also snacks. Lest she perish.
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I treat my children as people and listen to them and try to talk things out all gentle-parent-like, but sometimes, you gotta swoop up a kid and remove them from the situation because "it's ok to have emotions, it is not ok to work out our emotions on innocent Target shoppers."
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A bunch of you are commandos and I have QUESTIONS. Namely, the laundry!?
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I hate when people say they don't want to bribe their kids.
You have to buy an iced coffee every time you grocery shop and you think you can create a sufficiently motivating inner desire for a 3yo to clean up their toys?
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Me- "What would you like to do this morning, we can do whatever you want or.go wherever you want to go."
4yo- "Can we play coffee in the kitchen?"
You always think they'll want the moon, but really they want the same little patch of earth you've toiled.
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Do you experience mild panic every time you cut a waffle or a sandwich without asking or do you not have children?
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@clhubes
At one point my blog about nothing regularly had tens of thousands of views. I didn't even post photos. It was just me writing an online diary. Now I'm happy if I write a joke and it gets 10 likes.
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@clhubes
I certainly have never felt like my soul was escaping my body while my baby screamed in the car while I drove, unable to soothe her. Nope. It was always a pleasant, joyful experience.
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@BrookeLynnePow1
Godspeed. I've heard good things about pelvic floor therapy. But hahaha like I could find a therapist/the time to go.
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@aubreyhirsch
"I will be OOO from 9-2 daily, while checking email during snack and play breaks. In my absence, please send urgent emails to thiscouldhavebeenavoidedATusgovDOTgov"
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When I was a child and desperately wanted to grow up adults warned me about taxes and jobs and bills.
None of them warned me I'd have to decide to what to make for dinner for the rest of eternity.
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@clhubes
The fact that a whole generation thinks back fondly on staying home sick from school and watching The Price is Right makes this the silliest thing ever.
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