Aubrey Hirsch
@aubreyhirsch
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Writer & illustrator of stories, essays and feminist comics. '22 NEA fellow. Work in TIME, Vox, New York Times, Washington Post, etc. Very charming IRL. she/her
NYC-ish
Joined April 2011
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It’s likely I’ll still post links to new work here for the time being, but if you’re looking for the jokes, hot takes, and general ramblings, here’s where to find me:
Instagram:
@aubreyhirsch
BlueSky:
@aubreyhirsch
Threads:
@aubreyhirsch
Substack:
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Guy at the gym just made me stop my workout and take off my headphones so he could tell me I look great, and then when I said “Oh. I know, *he* was annoyed.
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I feel like I’ve been saying “This is a particularly hard week” for like 3 years.
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I went to a new gynecologist today and the room was SO WARM that I became instantly and irreparably angry at every other gynecologist's office that has left me shivering in the little paper dress for twenty-five years.
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If you hate the idea of having to wear a mask on an airplane against your will, wait until you hear about having to carry an unwanted pregnancy inside your body on an airplane against your will.
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Kid in my son’s class explained to me that she was sure he has two moms because he has “the pretty mom and the other mom.” She described each to me in some detail.
Reader, both are me.
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Can I ask you a couple questions about your apartment?
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If they won’t let women have methotrexate because they might accidentally become pregnant and miscarry the embryo, we should sure as hell not let men have guns because sometimes they go nuts and murder a bunch random strangers at concerts and parades on purpose.
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Me: This edible is trash.
Me, 20 minutes later: Man, it’s a good thing air is see-through or humans would be so fucked.
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Being a woman is cool because your body can literally go in and out of style.
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It’s simple, guys. Other countries don’t have mass shootings because all of their schools and churches and nightclubs and grocery stores and outdoor concert arenas have only one door.
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Keep seeing tik toks of parents complaining that the “girl” toddler shorts are way shorter than the “boy” toddler shorts and parent hack: you can just buy the “boy” shorts for your daughter, like they don’t enforce it
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I was googling “Steve Martin banjo” because human sexuality is a deeply complicated thing and, um, can we have a conversation about this picture?
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What’s a universal thing that most men like? I’m making a comic but I just realized I don’t actually know any men in real life.
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That NYT front page names only 1% of the Americans who have died from Covid-19. I found that a bit difficult to grasp, so I copy/pasted it 100 times to get a sense of scale. The first image below is what it would look like if you could see all 100,000 names.
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So giving a 12-year-old trans boy in Texas testosterone is child abuse, but forcing a 12-year-old rape victim to carry a pregnancy to term and give birth is…good?
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Abortion bans not killing women fast enough.
Heads up: The Supreme Court just agreed to take up the issue of whether people accused of domestic violence can own firearms.
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This is exactly the crux of it. There’s nothing more horrifying, more terrifying, to these men than smart, independent women who don’t need them for shit.
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Guys, you won't believe what happened. Worst Christmas ever :(
Just sold all my hair to buy a watch chain for my bf for Christmas. Can’t wait for him to open it! It’s going to be the best Christmas ever
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@james_98188
Dresses with pockets, true crime podcasts, compliments from fashionable women, an airplane row all to ourselves,
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I’m sorry, but after 9 years I can’t take it anymore. If you ask *me* why *my* children that *I* grew in *my* body have my last name and not their father’s, you’re going to get a little speech about the patriarchy. So just get comfy. It’s happening.
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Remember when all the schools and daycares closed for like a year and the whole country was like, “Eh, we’ll just let the women deal with that”? I’m gonna be mad about that for a *while*
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What's the parenting fantasy you abandoned most swiftly and completely? Mine is definitely "My kids will eat whatever we're eating!"
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Are you even a woman in academia if your course evaluations don’t give you feedback about your physical appearance?
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Guys I ignored my WIP for 2 weeks and I just checked in on it and the word count is exactly the same as it was 2 weeks ago. What am I doing wrong?? I'm keeping my laptop in a sunny place and keeping it plugged in for almost the whole day. Thoughts?
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Remember when we all had a year we considered to be the worst year of our lives, but they were all different years?
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Hundreds of New York Times contributors and readers: We’re concerned that the anti-trans bias in your paper could have devastating effects, both on individuals and society as a whole.
The New York Times:
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Just sold all my hair to buy a watch chain for my bf for Christmas. Can’t wait for him to open it! It’s going to be the best Christmas ever
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This is a joke but also I am literally moving to the NYC area in less than 3 weeks.
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I really feel for the poor Buzzfeed intern currently searching for the perfect gifs to turn this into an article that will support 8 ad spots.
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The next person who says “I could never do it!” to me re: pandemic parenting is getting a VERY lengthy lecture. Oh, you couldn’t do this? Neither can I!! No one can do this!Moms haven’t been given special superpowers to get us through the pandemic! WE HAVE LITERALLY ZERO OPTIONS!
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Not to invalidate anyone’s sexuality but whenever I meet a woman who claims to be 100% straight, I’m just like, really, though? But, like, have you ever seen literally any woman ever?
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Look at your bodies, women! Strong nails, sharp teeth, stomach full of acid. God created you for the magnificent job of consuming the flesh of your enemies! What can be more important than this?!?!
Look at your bodies, women! Breasts, ovaries, and a womb. God created you for the magnificent job of creating and nourishing new life! What can be more important than this?!?!
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My son found out I have twitter clout and wanted me to show you this picture of our hamster.
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Sent my bf a link to the Matt Gaetz news and he said “I hope his ex-girlfriend is being interviewed by the feds in the presence of her legal guardian.” And I fainted.
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Tired: Drinking too much wine and Amazon Priming random things to your house.
Wired: Having too many edibles and donating to Elizabeth Warren three times in one night.
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This is what I want to see from you fuckers when you sell your books. No more “So I wrote a thing...” THIS 👇👇👇
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Have you heard the good news? Women can own property now! There’s literally no reason why baby-naming needs to be patrilineal!
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Let’s talk about what we’re *actually* demanding of lactating people when we tell them they should “just breastfeed”:
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Are the people making this argument living in a different timeline than I am?
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A lot of people are snitch-tagging Steve Martin already, to which I would like to say: DM me, Steve! 😘
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Today I have a comic up at
@thenib
about how hard it is to get a doctor to listen to you when you're a woman.
Medicine’s Women Problem
Doctors told her there was nothing wrong. But she knew her body.
thenib.com
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Whoa who are the 2 lucky people?
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If you live in California, tell me you voted “no” AND mailed or dropped off your ballot, and I will study your twitter feed and give you a sincere compliment! Go!
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Bigfoot erotica but instead of dragging me to the woods and ravaging me, he moves into my house, does 51% of the domestic labor, and teaches me how to fold a fitted sheet 🥵
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Did you like this tweet? Please feel free to kick some $ to America’s pretty mom:
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Six young women are found dead in the same area and the police say people shouldn't be alarmed because there's no evidence the deaths are related? Sirs--that means THERE ARE 6 DIFFERENT PEOPLE OUT THERE KILLING YOUNG WOMEN! How is that less alarming?
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Writers: What's the most important part of your writing process?
For me, it's closely inspecting all of the houses within 20 miles of me that are listed on Zillow.
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The tricky thing about parenting is that you can never tell if you’re doing a good job or not because your supervisor is a child and their feedback is insane.
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Today at
@voxdotcom
I have a comic about how fucked up it is that women’s bodies can literally go in and out of style.
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You guys can argue with me in my mentions all you want. The media is in the pocket of Big Door.
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People are already mad at me again, so let me be very clear. My point is not that ALL babies should have their mom’s last names. It’s that ALL babies should have MY last name. 😈
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This thread is making me realize my standards are WAY too low!!
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@JonSchweppe
@LindseyGrahamSC
Oh man. You took away 51% of the population’s long-held rights to bodily autonomy and we didn’t like it? Who could have seen that coming?????
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I wrote an essay for TIME about the decision to give my kids my last name, and about some of the many ways society devalues women.
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Here's the definitive proof that Hallie Parker hallucinates her "long lost" twin sister as a way of coping with unprocessed trauma from her parents divorce in 1998's The Parent Trap. Annie, Hallie's twin who has been "living in England" is actually dead the whole time. 🧵 1/73
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By “cool” here I mean “terrible”, because apparently that was not clear.
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I didn’t learn a second language or anything, but I have used this pandemic to master the art of giving myself multi-tonal color AND a shadow root all from just one box of whatever hair dye is on sale at Walgreens. Should I make a skillshare class y/n?
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I don’t take this medication, but it was on the list of possible drugs to treat my uveitis. Please hear me when I say taking chemotherapy drugs is no small deal and ramping on and off them suuuuuucks. If a person’s body tolerates this one, it shouldn’t be taken away from them.
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My new life goal is to hit the sweet spot where I’m good-looking enough to make everyone I went to high school with mad, but not so good-looking that I have to date Pete Davidson.
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My new professional goal is to someday have good news I can’t share yet.
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Today I have a comic on Vox about the hell that is remote learning...which I made while supervising my two remote learners. So, you know, please clap.
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Good morning! It’s my birthday! 🎂Please take a moment to stop scrolling and validate me.
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Just got this schedule for my kindergartner’s “distance learning” in the fall and would just like to say LOL FOREVER TIMES A THOUSAND
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My dad bought me and my sisters each a set of “ladies’ tools” when we went to college.
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Already mad that 5 weeks from now I’m going to have to read articles about 6 members of the same family dying from covid w tag lines like “They thought they were sharing a turkey dinner, but what they were really sharing was far worse” and dumb illustrations that look like this:
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@lyzl
Every day I think about Vonnegut saying most romantic relationships need "a little less love and a little more common decency."
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I would just like all the insanely hot women on twitter saying they would date Pete Davidson because he’s funny to know that I am also very funny 😏
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Gonna jump in here early with the soundcloud link just in case:
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Me, whispering softly into my boyfriend’s ear: When we kill all the men, I am going to try so hard to save you.
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Ladies, what’s your favorite thing about living under constant threats of sexual violence? For me it’s not being able to wear skirts or dresses on public transportation.
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ZODIAC SIGNS AND WHICH CANDIDATES THEY SHOULD DONATE $$ TO:
Capricorn: Warren
Aquarius: Warren
Pisces: Warren
Aries: Warren
Taurus: Warren
Gemini: Warren
Cancer: Warren
Leo: Warren
Virgo: Warren
Libra: Warren
Scorpio: Warren
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Okay, Trump. You wanted a movement? We'll give you a fucking movement.
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So many people in my mentions with some variation of “Why would you give the kids your father’s last name instead of your husband’s?” I don’t see it as my father’s name, I see it as *my* name! You erasing me completely is actually the exact problem I’m pointing to!!! 😡
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I have an autoimmune disorder that requires me to take immune-suppressing medication so I don’t go blind. The pandemic isn’t over for us.
#IHaveAPreexistingCondition
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We need to stop starting sentences with “If a woman gets pregnant…” and start saying “If a man impregnates someone…”
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I wrote an essay about internet hate. You should read it.
"Hate becomes the water you swim in. After all, if you’re going to post that or write that or draw that, then you better be ready for people to call you a cunt."
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Please don’t procreate with men who need sticker charts
Imagine trying to enjoy receiving oral sex from your partner and thinking “I earned this by cleaning up vomit.”
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Did I ever tell you guys about the time I sent an essay to a
#goals
lit mag and got a terrible form rejection. And then got solicited by them within the same year, sent them the *same* essay, and they published it in their magazine and nominated it for a pushcart?
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I think my favorite was under “Instructor’s Greatest Weaknesses” and read: “I noticed that Aubrey had put on some weight, but then I found out she had a baby last semester so it’s understandable.”
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I woke up this morning with fewer rights than I had yesterday. I’m too angry to be coherent on Twitter, so I’ll just leave this link here, where I say everything I need to say:
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Elon fundamentally misunderstands Twitter here. Most users aren’t here to get *their* tweets read. They’re here to *see what other people are saying*. If you make that difficult (even for people who fork over $8), what’s the fucking point?
Elon just compared non-verified accounts going forward to emails in a spam folder. Sounds like you'll need to pay for Twitter Blue for people to actually read your tweets. No more of those "this site is free" jokes, folks.
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We’ve been told to be ready to evacuate...but, like, where? Into the sea??
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Very annoyed at my doctor boyfriend who *refused* to call in a prescription for my son’s pink—eye even though urgent care lines were wrapped around 2 blocks. And when I asked him to explain, would only say “aUbrEy i HavE a pHd iN liTerAtUre” 🙄🙄🙄
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I need some advice from women who live alone! How do you sell furniture on craigs list? Do you just factor the odds of murder/dismemberment into the listing price or…?
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Guys on apps, nobody cares how tall you are; tell us about your health insurance!
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You know, my life got measurably better when I starting saying “fuck it” and just vacuuming up the really tiny LEGO pieces.
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The only reason I haven't muted "McConnell" is because when he dies I want to be eating cake within the first 5 minutes.
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This is Andrew Giuliani talking (in public, into a microphone attached to speakers) about his 4-month-old daughter. And tell me again how Disney movies with queer characters are “grooming” children into being sexual used too early 🙄🤢
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