Lucy Huber
@clhubes
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editor @mcsweeneys Mother of: 👦🏼👶🏼🐈⬛🐈🐠🐌 Writer? Hungry. Tired.
Washington, DC
Joined June 2011
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Pinned Tweet
Reply to this with your profession or hobby and I’ll tell you what pun you should name your boat when you get rich.
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Remember when Boomers told us we had to untag every Facebook photo of ourselves having a beer at a party in college because we’d never get a job and then they Facebook lived themselves storming the Capitol?
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My 2yo literally told me what he wanted for dinner (hot dogs, tomatoes, grapes) went w me to the store to get it, scanned it at self check out BY HIMSELF, cut up the grapes, tomatoes and hot dog with his toddler knife, put it all on his own plate and then…refused to eat dinner.
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Men writing women characters: She was beautiful but didn’t know it. She was 5’7 and 101 pounds. Her feet were size 3. Her hat size was Infant. She’d never thrown up, even once. Her periods lasted 45 minutes. Her top was see-through.
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Rich teens on TV are always talking about how rich they are but I went to private school with lots of rich teens and they don’t do that. They say something like “oh we have a little place at the beach” and then you go and it’s a 20 bedroom mansion that Chef Boyardee used to own
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Abortion should be legal because nobody should have to be a parent if they don’t absolutely want to. It’s literally so hard. Today my toddler refused to get dressed bc he said he was “scared of pants”.
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Children are so progressive now, I just heard kids arranging a game of house at the park say “should we have a mom and a dad or two dads?” “Two dads…but one is evil.”
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Ordered a cake from Costco and their system is from the 1800s, you write what you want on a piece of paper & put it in a box then nobody follows up and you just show up and hope they made it? I tried to call to confirm & they were like “if you put it in the box, it will be there”
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Once again thinking about how deeply fucked up the custody agreement in The Parent Trap is. They were just like “we each get one baby, then we’ll never see our other child for LIFE. But it’s ok bc they look the same”
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I saw on a parenting Instagram you should always say yes to things kids ask for if they are a big deal to them but a small deal to you. Anyway, tonight my 2yo asked if we could “take Hot Wheels ramp into the bath” and I’m pretty sure he’s a genius bc this is fun.
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One man at this coffee shop just sneezed, the guy next to him said bless you, he said thanks and asked “hey, what are you working on?” and now they are discussing Roman history in depth, both delighted with their new friend, it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen???
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My son just woke up from his nap SOBBING and I asked what was the matter and he said, still crying, “I love trains.”
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The funniest thing that’s ever happened to me as a parent is once my 2yo was having a full on meltdown and accidentally kicked an electronic toy dinosaur and it went “Can you feed me?” and my son, through massive sobs, goes “no I can’t right now, dinosaur” and continued screaming
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Will never get over the fact that teens today are dressing in what they think is “2000s fashion” in cute mid-drift bearing tops, but when I actually had a cute mid-drift to bear in 2006 every shirt actually looked like this:
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Saw a Tik tok where a dog trainer was like “a lot of people who think they want a dog actually want a cat, they’ve just never had a cat so they dont know it” and yes
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My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
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No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
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Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
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Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
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Stop saying "start a family" when you mean "have kids". A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don't need kids to be a family.
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My friend got a kitten two weeks ago and he told my toddler about it and for two weeks Es been saying “Meet Rocky? Tiny cat”. We went to see Rocky today and he carried a treat in his hand the whole car ride there saying, “Rocky will love this” and guess what Rocky DID.
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Toddlers are the best people on earth, I went out to dinner at a diner with my 3yo and when we were done eating he asked the waiter if we had to do the dishes or if he was going to do it.
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The NY Times article made it seem like husbands are useless which is maybe true but my husband did drive the baby around for an hour today to make him nap and in the middle texted me “stand at the end of the driveway”, silently handed me a Dairy Queen Blizzard, and drove away.
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My husband took my 2yo to Trader Joe’s and he INSISTED they get a specific bouquet of flowers for me. Purple, red, and pink carnations. The ugliest bouquet I’ve ever seen, not even sure why they’d sell this. I love them.
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My friend told me her 2yo was loudly singing Baby Shark at the park and she jokingly said to another mom there “hope you like Baby Shark” and the mom said “we don’t listen to children music” if you’re wondering what it’s like trying to make mom friends in public.
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My 3yo keeps asking to watch the Super Bowl tonight and I was like “no it’s not on until tomorrow” and he was like “just turn it on now???” and I just realized he has no idea what live Tv is
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I’m sorry I know everyone has different taste but: jail. Jail for 1000 years.
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My favorite thing in TV shows is when they show actual childhood photos of the actor because you know the actor had to ask their mom if they had any old photos of them for their TV show and you know she was so excited to dig up her favorite ones for everyone to see her baby on TV
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Read somewhere yesterday that the reason cats often have white paws and bellies but never the opposite is bc in utero their color starts developing at their spine and moves out and anything that isn't finished by the time they are born is white and I can't stop thinking about it
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HGTV has ruined houses, every house now is just one giant room with a kitchen island in the middle.
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Can’t stop thinking about how three of them are identical and one a fraternal and how much that would mess me up if I was the fraternal one?????
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I think my 2yo would literally climb into my skin and live there if I let him. I love parenting but I was not prepared for the level of cling. The last three days he’s woken up at 5 and refused to hang out with anyone but me. Today he sobbed the entire time I was in the shower.
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Every tweet about the formula shortage has one asshole dude: “just breastfeed?” I remember the first time my baby drank formula at 3 days old. My milk hadn’t come in. He was starving. He gulped 4oz and finally stopped screaming after 2 days and slept. I sobbed with happiness.
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"Why aren't Millenials having children?" Maybe because those of us who did were nice enough to explain to our friends you have to wake up at 5:52am and watch Thomas while holding a toy of Thomas and making him say "Wow, look, I'm on TV" before your coffee is even ready.
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Ppl w babies: I don’t see why people stop traveling when they have kids! You can just strap the baby in and GO hiking! Grab a stroller, fly to Europe, it’s really all in your mindset
Those ppl a year later w a toddler: it only took us 23 mins to get down the stairs this morning
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My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
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I think I'm the only person who loved working in an office. Especially an open office! You coul wander over and chat with anyone at any time! Make people go to happy hour with you, have little snacks together...I'm thinking now I might be the reason ppl do not like open offices.
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What I’ve learned as a parent is Petco is way cheaper than the aquarium and your toddler will for sure not know the difference.
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We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
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My 2yo, thirty minutes after my husband left for Target, realizing he actually DID want to go but we can’t because his dad took our only car, between sobs: Could we take a train?? Or maybe a boat???
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I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
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I love Love is Blind because the entire premise is “what if people fell in love because they were INTERESTING instead of hot?” and then they proceed to cast only extremely boring hot people. Excellent TV.
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I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like "Wow I'm so glad it well went!" and he was like "oh no, it went terribly." 😂
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My husband and I plan out all of our meals for the week every single week and we’ve been doing it for over ten years and every time I go to write the list I can’t remember a single meal I’ve ever made except baked potatoes.
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I like having fellow toddler moms as friends because I’ll text them like “sorry, we are going to be 25 minutes late to the park, we saw an ant.” And they’re like “no problem we’re gonna be 30 bc he had to put on his own shoes.”
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When youre pregnant with your first kid everyone tells you how hard it will be and how you won’t sleep etc etc and that’s TRUE but also not a single person tells you one day your toddler will say “good night, love you” individually to every one of his trucks, the cats, and you.
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Our whole lives we hear: Don't talk about your period. Don't talk about sex. Don't talk about infertility. Don't talk about miscarriage. Don't talk badly about a pregnancy. Don't talk about PPD. Don't talk about anything post-partum except the baby. Only a baby matters. Not you.
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One of the biggest shocks of my adult life is finding out how expensive furniture, rugs, and curtains are. Like, everyone has them in their house? And so many of these things???
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Just walked into the kitchen and my 3yo was by himself cracking a bunch of eggs into a giant bowl. I was like “uhhh does dad know you’re doing this?” And he goes “he asked me to” And my husband yelled from a few rooms over “yeah I asked him to!!!”
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The thing people don’t get about Boston is that yes: it’s wildly expensive. Yes: it’s freezing. And yes: it’s difficult to navigate and the people are unfriendly. BUT the food? Also not good.
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I know it’s not cool anymore but I miss the Social Media of Abundance. When people would post 50 photos from one night out and then 20 people would respond with inside jokes. Now people post once a year and it’s captioned “we did a thing” and it’s a photo of their newborn baby.
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Couldn’t sleep last night thinking about how Full House is a lighthearted comedy about a mom who dies less than a year after having a baby, leaving two other children behind, and the show is just like “and THEN all the KOOKY UNCLES MOVED IN!! 🤪”
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Never not thinking about when I took my 2yo to buy a helmet for preschool at a toy store. He screamed at every one they put on his head until an employee just went “ah, I know the problem” and returned w a rainbow helmet and my son was like “yes” and some wears it to this day?
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THE CAKE WAS THERE!!!!!
Ordered a cake from Costco and their system is from the 1800s, you write what you want on a piece of paper & put it in a box then nobody follows up and you just show up and hope they made it? I tried to call to confirm & they were like “if you put it in the box, it will be there”
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This morning my 3yo was mad and told me he wanted a different mama and I said “what kind of mama do you want?” And he said “one who wears a black suit”. I think about the ways I’m failing as a parent a lot but I hadn’t even considered that it’s bc I don’t have a black suit.
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I can’t believe some men have secret second families. If I had the money to have a second apartment that nobody knew about, it would strictly be for watching TV alone and there would absolutely be no children allowed.
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To illustrate how insane a 6-week abortion ban is: I did IVF and still did not know I was pregnant until 4.5 weeks. That's LITERALLY as early as you can possibly know and that's when you are PAYING someone to put an embryo in your body on a specific day and keep track of it.
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Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
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My 3yo told us we should “sell the baby to another family” after she knocked down his block tower, which is honestly so great because he used to tell us to throw her away in the garbage and now he at least thinks she’s valuable enough that someone would pay for her.
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“Your body was made to give birth without medical intervention” says people who suspiciously did not let their teeth just rot out of their heads by age 30.
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A mom at the park confided in me that every morning she lets her kids get in bed w her and watch cartoons in their pjs like she was admitting to letting them do heroin and not have a delightful, cozy family time. Draconian screen time recommendations have really effed parents up
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A man in the subway tried to hit on me by coming up behind me very close & saying in my ear, "You think the trains going to be late?" but I'd just had dental work done so I turned around & slurred, "No idea" while blood poured out of my mouth. I wish I could do this all the time
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I hate parents pranking their toddlers on social media. I hate it so much. If the person you are pranking cannot reciprocate a prank, you are not pranking them, you are bullying them!!!
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My 2yo made it through a 2 hour drive, a 2 hour wait at the airport where he read a book quietly to himself, an hour flight where he happily watched Finding Nemo on silent, a bus ride where he laughed the whole time, and then screamed the entire 15 min drive home in our own car.
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How do 2 year olds wake up at 5, run around all day, and then refuse to sleep at 8 while operating only on 13 grapes, a stack of crackers, & some soap they accidentally ate in the bath??? Every night I feel dead and my son is yelling from his crib “COME SEE HOW HIGH I CAN BOUNCE”
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Everyone keeps saying goodbye on Twitter but so far, we are all still here. I feel like I'm at a dinner party in the Midwest.
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Ppl like “if you can’t afford a house in your city why don’t you move to a small town in a state you’ve never been to 100s of miles away from all your friends and family with no childcare options or anywhere to walk to and do your remote job alone in your affordable home office?”
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Went to a resale kids store today. my 3yo sold his toy truck and picked out a plastic lizard he wanted to buy w the money, named it, lady at the counter was like “i can’t sell this to you bc the price tag fell off” I swear all my polite left my body when I was like “yes you will”
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If any Gen Z are wondering why every Millennial woman has an eating disorder it’s because in the 2000s a normal thing to say to a teenage girl was “when you think you feel hungry, youre actually thirsty so just drink water and you’ll be fine.”
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I told my 3yo Elliot I saw a deer in our yard & he goes “I’ll tell the other Elliots” and I laughed, then later he explained he said that bc in an ep of Thomas a diesel train named Diesel said “ill tell the other diesels” which is smart but also how confusing must it be to be 3
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Whenever ppl are like “having a baby in 2020 wasn’t THAT much different, it’s always isolating to have a baby” I think about how now every single time I take my baby daughter out people coo over her, ask her age, talk to her and not a single person ever did that for my son.
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Every day I clean my house and every day it appears nobody has ever cleaned my house for a matter of months and I just want to know what’s going on.
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They say money cant buy happiness but we finally make enough money to justify hiring a cleaning company to clean our house every two weeks and money actually can buy happiness, it turns out. I am much happier.
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Nothing makes my blood boil like social media posts about young ppl trying to buy a house, any house, for less than $800k where 50 Boomers are like “why can’t young people today just settle for a nice starter house?? I bought my first house for $100k and it was only 2000sq feet!”
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Just watched an ep of Clifford where Clifford has rash and has to go to the vet for FIRST TIME. This means not only did the family have a dog grow to an unexplainable massive size and never investigate it medically, Clifford is a 20ft dog running around without a rabies shot.
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Regret to inform you I know I love my husband because occasionally I have dreams where I’m married to someone else but I keep seeing my husband around and being like “wait but who is THAT guy?”
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I was going back and forth on whether to buy my toddler a new ambulance after he lost the one in his set of cars, bc I don’t want to teach him things just appear if you lose them but I did anyway, and when I gave it to him, I heard him whisper to himself “everyone’s here now” 🥺
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My husband thought he’d try getting the same sausage my 3yo eats every morning but in patties instead of links because “I thought we’d try a new shape” hahahaha
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It’s so funny that one of Santa’s reindeer is named Vixen. He’s like “and this…is the sexy one.”
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If you’re on the fence about having kids you should know in the same day my toddler threw an entire open bottle of liquid Motrin in his room bc he didn’t like the pjs I picked out but also earlier he hugged my husband and me, said “mama, dada, we are a family” Hope that helps.
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Was telling my son’s step-grandma that we wanted to build a treehouse when the kids got older and she said “build it soon, everyone builds their treehouse too late” and I dunno why but it was the saddest thing anyone has ever said???
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The thing about being a first-time parent is you suddenly realize you make the rules of the house? Your toddler will be like "lets throw a ball" and you're like "oh I don't think we are allowed to do that inside?" and they're like "we aren't?" and you're like "I should find out."
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Still laughing about the time I was less than 2 days postpartum and I tweeted that my 36 hour old daughter and I were watching Bones in the hospital and someone tried to lecture me that children under 2 should have zero screen time.
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The updated lyrics to John Legend and Kelly Clarkson's Baby It's Cold Outside are literally so funny. They're like JUST SO EVERYONE LISTENING KNOWS: THEY ARE BOTH CONSENTING ADULTS IN THIS SONG
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I was all for feminism until we bought a house and I found out how many documents you need to sign. I cannot be involved in this, I am just a little housewife.
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Being evil isn’t just for stepmothers anymore, now one of your gay dads can be evil too and I think that’s beautiful
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There's an Instagram mom influencer whose whole thing is her daughter goes to bed late. Like 12am. She is a late-bedtime toddler influencer. Then in the comments, people yell at her that she needs to put her toddler to bed earlier. This is the entire account.
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The best thing I've learned about gentle parenting a toddler is you can also apply it to adults if you work in customer service.
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Before I had a baby I read an AITA where a husband was asking if his wife was the asshole bc, overwhelmed, she handed him the baby during an important Zoom meeting, got into her car and drove away for 3 hours and at the time I was like "yes" and now I'm like "a hero".
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THIS JUST IN: my 2yo requested “a burrito with just cheese and beans all rolled up” for dinner and then actually ATE IT???
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My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
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Yearly reminder that you can try to poke holes in the movie Home Alone but it’s a perfectly constructed plot. Any plot hole you think you’ve discovered is, in fact, explained in the movie.
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Sometimes when I’m telling my 2yo what we are going to do that day he will add a detail he wants to be true like “we will see a firetruck there” and I’ll say “um, maybe, but it’s not in the plan” but he just keeps repeating it like a threat??? “There WILL be a firetruck there.”
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Last night I was lying in my 3yos bed as he was falling asleep and he reached out to me in the dark, put his hand on me and said “ahhhh, big belly, tiny head, that’s my mama”
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I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
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I feel like the internet has made people forget that being a child is not a medical diagnosis. Every time I post about my 3yo ppl are like "is he neurodivergent bc I do that thing, too" and I'm here to remind you he is 3. They are all neurodivergent when compared to an adult.
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High school girls in musicals: Ive being going to theater camp since 1st grade and taking professional voice lessons since I was 10, so excited to be townsperson
#3
this spring!
HS boys in musicals: The drama teacher cornered me after Alegbra 2 and said I had to be Shrek.
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Great news, someone wrote me a long response to my tweet about letting my 2yo help plan and cook dinner saying it wasn't "developmentally appropriate" to involve a 2yo in those things so from now I get to simply lock him in a kennel while I do chores.
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