Lauren Duca
@laurenduca
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Award-winning and -losing writer. Asshole in recovery. Follow my newsletter, if you wanna:
BRB
Joined April 2011
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Anyway, this is really my last tweet of all time!
I am sending a giant love beam to everyone who has been funny and kind on this hell site (and, OK, fine, all other sentient beings, too).
If you wanna hang out, come find me over at Pancake Brain 🥞🧠()
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MOM & DAD PLEASE COME HOME THE BABYSITTER IS REALLY WEIRD
Happy 25th anniversary
@barackobama
. A quarter of a century later, you're still my best friend & the most extraordinary man I know. I 💕 you.
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Thanks for your two cents, 5th richest person on Earth.
Another government stimulus package is not in the best interests of the people imo
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Omfg they're going to ban doors before they ban assault rifles
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We all hate you
Today, on
#InternationalWomensDay
- and ALL days - we recognize the countless contributions women have made to our economy, our communities, & our Nation. The Trump Admin will continue to strive to empower women across America to keep making a profound impact.
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It seems to me that when Brett Kavanaugh attempted to deny a 17-year-old immigrant an abortion, he believed that the decisions you make as a minor ought to have lifelong consequences. Let's treat him the same way.
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Can't believe Charles Manson died before Trump could give him a cabinet position
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Thank you,
@HillaryClinton
. For this, and for everything. I promise to keep fighting (right after I'm done sobbing).
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Did You Know: A group of two or more white men is called “a podcast” 💫🐬
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Raise your hand if you would feel "very comfortable" with there only being female presidents for the rest of your lifetime
Only 45% of American men would feel "very comfortable" with a female president!
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Trump has literally hosted chants insisting Hillary be sent to prison, and you want her to SMILE at him? Fuck right off.
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Got this from a 23-year-old Manchester resident. Take a moment to read it?
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OK, who's gonna tell her?
Ivanka Trump: Sexual harassment 'can never be tolerated'
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Do you know how many women have had to fake periods or drunkenness to weasel out of a sexual encounter without setting off a male rage spiral? "Just saying 'no'" is not always an option. That's the whole fucking problem.
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Guess feminism wasn't selling enough shoes
Ivanka Trump has backed her father's plans to scrap Obama-era equal pay measures
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Weird that Trump wouldn't just email her
Overjoyed by these beautiful letters. Reading them is one of the highlights of my week. 😍
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Fuck your shitty Taylor Swift jokes. A woman publicly testifying about her sexual assault deserves nothing other than unwavering support.
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This afternoon, a 15-year-old brought a gun to his Kentucky high school, killed two people, and shot at least 14 others. Violence is so common in America in 2018, that's apparently not even devastating enough to distract from Oscar noms.
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Sex is cool and all but have you ever tried obsessing over a mediocre person who’s just not that into you
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This is also the official GOP position on women's bodies
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Tucker Carlson actually just did a segment about how Clinton is a Weinstein enabler, from the chair where O'Reilly sat, on Ailes's network.
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Gabby Douglas is young to be a public figure, and I hope she gets the chance to learn from this, but let me make this crystal clear for you on victim-blaming: If a woman wears a fishnet bodystocking and downs a handle of vodka, the only thing she's "asking for" is a hangover.
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Have you tried Twitter
US ethics office: 'We seem to have lost contact' with Trump Team since election
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I support an abstinence-only policy for men who don't support reproductive rights ✊💕
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Instead of abortion or birth control access, the GOP would prefer that all babies be carried to term, then gunned down with an assault rifle
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Nearly 1,500 migrant children go "missing" and it's barely news. One white kid murders 10 people at school and there's a debate over whether he's a victim. This is a violently racist country, and always has been. Insist on fighting for change. The other option is to be complicit.
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John Kelly lamenting days when women were held sacred while launching an attack on an outspoken congresswoman really sums the whole thing up
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Kamala Harris and Elizabeth Warren are the only two people in this race who have demonstrated the absurdly rare superpower that is being "presidential"
#DemDebate2
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Trump is like the CSI blacklight in a hotel room. He revealed all the gross white shit that's been here all along.
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According to the New York Times, top White House officials have considered asking Twitter to put a 15-minute delay on Trump's tweets.
Let that sink in for a minute.
The people closest to the most powerful person in the country think his brain requires a child safety lock.
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I so admire the elegance and grace of Hillary Clinton not titling her book "Eat Shit and Die, Assholes"
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The fact that Sean Hannity has been railing against the FBI's investigation of Michael Cohen without disclosing that Michael Cohen IS HIS LAWYER is wildly unethical, and also perfectly on-brand for a Fox News host
Michael Cohen's previously unnamed third client is SEAN HANNITY.
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I still have a lot to learn, but if I might brag for a moment, I will say this: I'm making all the right fucking enemies
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It is beyond insulting to treat Hope Hicks as a victim, as if being a young woman negates the potential for total agency. She has knowingly held up an authoritarian regime since its origins. She is both super pretty and pretty complicit.
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Abortions after 20 weeks are extremely rare, and usually due to severe fetal abnormalities. This is an unabashed attack on women's health.
JUST IN: Trump administration announces support for bill criminalizing abortion after 20 weeks
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Says the man who has cost taxpayers $71,556,561 hitting a little ball around in the grass
"I hate to tell you Puerto Rico but you've thrown our budget out of whack" - Trump
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*arriving at the grocery store and realizing I forgot my shopping list*
FUCK IT, WE'LL DO IT LIVE
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Keep the Muslim fear-mongering to yourself, bigots. New Yorkers don't fuck with that.
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The
#TaxScamBill
is perhaps the most astonishing display of the consolidation of power in our oligarchy masquerading as a democracy, and part and parcel of that tragedy is how very few Americans truly understand how badly we just got fucked
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I want to go back to not knowing who Anthony Scaramucci is
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The president just called all negative coverage fake, and is apparently threatening to revoke credentials unless the press starts writing fan fiction. I always thought of authoritarianism as a slick and stealthy evil, but our democracy appears to be going down via temper tantrum.
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This Cruise Ship 2020???
Royal Caribbean cancels cruise, sending ship to pick up evacuees in Puerto Rico
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There were plenty of prayers in the church where 27 people were gunned down today. What we need is gun control, you spineless sack of shit.
Reports out of Texas are devastating. The people of Sutherland Springs need our prayers right now.
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We've heard quite enough about eye makeup today, so here's an unfriendly reminder: Sarah Huckabee Sanders routinely lies to the American people, attacking our shared foundation of truth, and therefore undermining democracy. Write that on your mirror in fucking mascara, fascists.
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If you think this whole Harvey Weinstein thing is upsetting, I have some bad news for you about the President of the United States
A reminder that Donald Trump, the President, has been accused of sexual assault and harassment by at least fifteen women since the 1980s.
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Holy shit, the moon is beautiful tonight. Ladies, I think this is our cue to seize control of the the Earth??
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Happy 420, y'all!*
*Reminder that institutionalized racism means black people are 3.73 times more likely to be arrested for having pot
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“It’s Your Fault For Making Me So Angry” by Brett Kavanaugh
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If the New York Times is placing this much focus on Alan Dershowitz not getting invited to dinner parties in Martha's Vinyard, boy, just you WAIT until they find out what the Trump administration is doing to immigrant children
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Yo, after we're done with Harvey Weinstein, let's take down Donald Trump, OK?
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Wishing my beautiful daughter and her date *a violent reminder that I consider her my property
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Health care costs for transgender members of the military is estimated at $8.4 M, or about 17 days of Melania living in NYC for some reason
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This is a betrayal of every woman who has ever supported the Democratic party.
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OH FUCK YES
Stormy Daniels to donate $130K to Planned Parenthood in Trump and Cohen's names: report
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The word "daddy" has been cancelled
"[Ivanka] wanted to make the trip. She said, 'Dad, can I go with you?' She said actually, 'Daddy, can I go with you?' I like that, right?"
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Conservatives don't own patriotism, btw. I'm fighting as a progressive feminist BECAUSE of how much I love this country. Happy 4th, bitches.
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Today Kirstjen Nielsen drafted executive action to end the policy of family separation that she said did not exist less than a week ago.
The Trump administration is gaslighting America. Period.
We do not have a policy of separating families at the border. Period.
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This is the cartoon that got
@Rob_Rogers
fired after 25 years working at the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. Spread it around like a lice outbreak at a pre-k.
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*That's because the U.K. has strict gun control regulation!
Do you notice we are not having a gun debate right now? That's because they used knives and a truck!
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Carmen Yulín Cruz is not feuding with Trump. She is trying to save her people while he tweets paranoid insults from his luxury golf course.
Who Is Carmen Yulín Cruz, the Puerto Rican Mayor Feuding With Trump?
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They're nazis & fucking idiots. The tiki torches make it look like they're protesting Karen's decision to include cilantro in the guacamole.
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98.1% chance Nate Silver could not handle life as a woman
The one thing I have no patience for is dudes (it's almost *always* dudes) who spend 15 minutes on something you've been studying for 10+ years and act like they've solved Fermat's Last Theorm
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The shooting today in the Capital Gazette newsroom in Annapolis, Maryland cannot reasonably be separated from the President's mission to villainize the press as "the enemy of the American people."
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Limiting options for both birth control and abortion turns women into slaves of reproduction. This is fucking war.
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BUMPER STICKER LADY 2020
A Texas sheriff threatened this woman for having a “F**K TRUMP” bumper sticker. Her new sticker says F**k the sheriff.
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If we survive this shit, can we at least try electing women?
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The 👏 whole 👏 point 👏 of 👏 train 👏 travel 👏 is 👏 staring 👏out 👏 the 👏 window 👏 and 👏 pretending 👏 to 👏 be 👏 in 👏 a 👏 music 👏 video 👏
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Less than a month ago, a man shot nearly 600 people in Las Vegas. We should still be angry. We should be screaming at the top of our lungs.
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Cool, now every Democrat who called for Al Franken's resignation needs to come together to do the same for Donald Trump.
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Trump's
#MuslimBan
is government-sanctioned religious persecution, and should be condemned by anyone who calls themselves an American.
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The witches aren't the ones DOING THE HUNTING you impossible fucking idiots
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No one who voted for Trump is shocked that he's racist. If they didn't vote for him because of his bigotry, they voted for him in spite of it. Stop giving these complicit pieces of shit the benefit of the doubt.
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This is some North Korea shit
.
@SHSanders45
reads letter 9-year-old Dylan wrote to
@POTUS
: "You're my favorite president. I like you so much."
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The FBI raided the office of the president's lawyer, but Tucker Carlson is brave enough to focus on the story that America needs to hear
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Leaked Video Alleges To Show That Malia Obama Is Way Fucking Cooler Than You Were At 19
WATCH: Leaked Video Alleges To Show Malia Obama Blowing Smoke Rings
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OPINION: Nah
OPINION: Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib should apologize for cursing out Trump...and here's why. Via
@ABC
's
@matthewjdowd
.
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Can't believe they're treating Jared Kushner like this after all that peace he brought to the Middle East
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The plot of "The Breakfast Club," but instead they all come together to defeat the NRA
A Pennsylvania high school will issue more than 200 detentions to students who walked out of school as part of a nationwide protest against gun violence:
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Let’s not waste one more drop of energy on the verbal Napalm that is the civility debate. If you’re more concerned about powerful adults getting yelled at than children being put in cages, you’re on the wrong side of history.
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I was on CNN with Kayleigh McEnany after the 2017 Women’s March. In the elevator after our segment, she smiled as she told me how easy it is to profit from being a pretty woman willing to support Trump on TV. Now she’s his press secretary. I suppose it was only a matter of time.
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The
#MeToo
hero of the week is Judge Rosemarie Aquilina, who has allowed 140 women to give statements against Larry Nassar. Here's hoping Bill Cosby gets the same treatment in April.
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Listen, for all of the criticism, you have to admit that
@realDonaldTrump
's cabinet was remarkably well prepared for
#ADayWithoutAWoman
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My favorite Bible story is definitely the one about Jesus terrorizing teen girls at the mall
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"Are women allowed to want things?"
Is Kirsten Gillibrand too transparently opportunistic to be a viable candidate?
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Never trust a man who uses the word “female” as a noun
"There’s plenty of really competent females that we can replace her with."
Tim Ryan on Nancy Pelosi:
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Goddamnit, this fucks up my entire bracket
Trump ousts Tillerson, will replace him as secretary of state with CIA chief Pompeo:
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