This cat about to tell me about diabetes.

At the banh mi and pho place, if you want a sandwich, get in the banh mi line, if not pho queue.

Ignoring red flags for sport. Because I am an athlete

If you clap on 1 and 3, I’m not interested in listening to your music collection.

At some point you're going to be too old for this shit.

Sorry i'm late if you're gonna scream scream with me moments like this never last, you see

"Stroopwafel" sounds like something you have to pay a Dutch prostitute $25 extra to do to you.

This beer tastes like bad decisions later.

Sure I look like I have my shit together, but deep down, on the inside, my sock is slowly sliding off my foot.

Idk being worshipped sounds exhausting tbh

It’s sad that we expect more “hard-nosed journalism” from our sports reporters than our White House correspondents.

Im sorry I was late but I was counting all the fucks I dont give

People think I sit around all day thinking of dumb stuff to post on Twitter. They forget I also do the same thing on Facebook, too.

We're gonna need a bigger straitjacket

Attraction is a slippery, complex concept. Once I see that you’re a shitty person, I will never find you physically attractive.

I just want everyone to get along and that makes me feel so fucking naive in today’s world

Let me slip on my sexy time readers before you slide into my DMs.

Redemption can (sometimes) be earned. You must first learn thru the wake of the chaos you created. True growth is needed and found more easily in the aftermath.

No, you got me wrong. I didn’t say Scott Adams was racist. I said he was terribly racist.

Still seems true well past 35.

You met a man on the Oregon Trail. His name is Terry. You laugh and tell him "That's a girl name!" Terry shoots you. You have died of dissin' Terry.