bettemidler
@BetteMidler
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Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
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Yes, it's officially my birthday, and I am 75. How the hell did that happen?
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So sick of the "Who wore it best?" feature in women's magazines. Stop pitting us against each other! If you didn't put it on backwards & your tit didn't pop out, you wore it just fine.
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Sorry I’ve been away from Twitter for a bit. I was busy having insane sex with a young Marine. I hope it doesn’t get out & cause people to think, “Good for her!”
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I want to thank everyone who came to my defense last night during my personal Battle of the Bulge with he who must not be named. Your wit and good nature really lifted my spirits; as a newly washed up psycho, I am very grateful for your thoughts and prayers.
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Kim Kardashian tweeted a nude selfie today. If Kim wants us to see a part of her we've never seen,
she's gonna have to swallow the camera.
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If looks could kill.
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Trump said he was greeted by thousands in the UK, but they were actually thousands of protesters. How does he always hear the opposite of the truth? Donald, if you’re reading this you SHOULD NOT slam your dick in a door!
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I hated that Hocus Pocus wig at the time, but after staring at Trump's
hair for 18 months, it honestly looks not that bad.
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HE SOLD OUT HIS COUNTRY FOR A BUILDING IN MOSCOW. Take that in, America. Let it sink in, that you have elected a mobster who doesn’t give a flying fuck about you.
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Tonight a woman in the audience of Trump's town hall began her question by telling him he has a great smile & he's so handsome when he smiles. And when
#JoeBiden
is President, hopefully that woman will be able to access better vision care, bless her heart.
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The dumbest ever. I mean, since fucking Jamestown. The "Rockets' Red GLARE" not FLARE...was the war of 1812, not the 4th of July, and there were no airports OR airplanes. Who in God's name is writing this crap for this washed-up psycho??
Did he say the army took over the AIRPORTS during the Revolutionary War? I rewound and play it twice.
#TrumpParade
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Kentucky elected a Democratic Governor tonight. Mitch McConnell must be shitting his shell!
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Just this minute picked myself off the floor after learning I will receive a
#KennedyCenterHonor
this year. For once, I’m speechless.
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"Many parents are just discovering that the teacher may not be the problem."
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Ruth Bader Ginsberg is 85 and had lung cancer surgery, but CAST HER VOTE FROM HER HOSPITAL BED. Who was it again who couldn't go honor our
fallen soldiers because it was “raining”?
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Now Trump’s saying Democrats are going to be “violent” if they win big in November? What are we going to do? Throw our PBS tote bags at them?
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Sistaaaahs! It's been 300 years... But we’re BACK! 🧹
#HocusPocus2
arrives Fall 2022 on
@DisneyPlus
.
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Trump finally wore a mask the other day & said he felt like the
#LoneRanger
. But the Lone Ranger's mask had two eye holes in it, while Trump's mask had only one asshole in it.
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Rudy Giuliani butt dialed an NBCNews reporter while he was talking to someone about needing money and Biden. You know you're fucked when your own ass is trying to send you to jail.
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Florida reopened some beaches today & they were packed. I guess in a way it makes perfect Florida-sense. To try to get a little sun so you look healthy at your funeral.
#FloridaMorons
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Trump tweeted he is our favorite President. I prefer any other
President, including the 39 who are currently decomposing corpses.
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JUST GIVE WOMEN EQUAL PAY FOR EQUAL WORK AND KEEP YOUR FILTHY PAWS OFF US. THAT’S A GOOD START!
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"Being a strong man also means being kind. There's nothing weak about being honorable and treating others with respect." President Obama, just now.
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One of
#Trump
’s top campaign advisors,
#GeorgeNader
, was charged with sex trafficking of a child, just like Trump’s old friend
#JeffreyEpstein
. How is it that Don knows so many pedophiles? For once I have no joke, it’s just a real, serious, question.
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I watched Zuckerberg's testimony before Congress today. It might be time to delete Facebook. They say only old people use it anyway. (Can anyone who is not old tell me how to delete Facebook? Also, my microwave clock is wrong.)
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Trump is supposed to meet with Putin tomorrow. Probably for his first annual performance review.
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Anybody have any big plans for the weekend? I’m gonna STAY THE FUCK HOME & not kill people! Anyone wanna join?
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BREAKING NEWS: Donald Trump has won the State of Denial...
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Trump says the US is moving to ban flavored e-cigarettes. Because they've killed 6 people. So, I guess the next step is we will have to make guns in fun flavors & see if they'll do anything about them then?
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#JessicaSimpson
is being mom-shamed for letting her 7 year-old daughter color the ends of her hair. Well, I mom shame all the mom shamers for staring down at pics of Jessica’s kid on their phones instead looking up at their own offspring 24/7.
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WOMEN OF THE WORLD! We are being stripped of our rights over our bodies, our lives and even of our name! They don’t call us “women” anymore; they call us “birthing people” or “menstruators”, and even “people with vaginas”! Don’t let them erase you! Every human on earth owes you!
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So that
#FatFuck
has hijacked our most important national holiday, Independence Day, to promote his own re-election. Like Rick Wilson says, “Everything Trump touches Dies”. Wonder what he’ll do with Thanksgiving.
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I am the daughter of a house painter & homemaker. I believe in America; in unions, in education that doesn’t put a kid in debt forever, in clean air and water, in a free press, in the right to go to the movies or school without being murdered. VOTE THE BUMS OUT!!
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#Trump
tweeted that tonight’s
#DemocraticDebate
was boring. As if we aren’t aware that’s how he feels about anything he can’t eat or fuck.
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Pity the poor
#Australians
, their country ablaze, and their rotten
@ScottMorrisonMP
saying, “This is not the time to talk about Climate Change. We have to grow our economy.” What an idiot. What good is an economy in an uninhabitable country? Lead, you fuckwit!!
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I suggest that all women refuse to have sex with men until they are guaranteed the right to choose by Congress.
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there once was a turtle named mitch
who was really a son of a bitch
In the Senate he’d muster
A grand filibuster
But he still had no neck
So fuck him.
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Guys, please calm down. It's not like
#Gillette
's asking you to shave your whole body, wear makeup, perfume, high heels; not eat too much in public and not be above or below a certain weight...Right?
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The Mueller Report is in but no matter what it says, there is no doubt in my mind that Donald J Trump is the most despicable man ever to inhabit the Presidency; a tragic, repulsive choice, and not a true American. He’s shafted banks, vendors, students, his own wives, and people.
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President Carter said Trump was an illegitimate President because Russia intervened on his behalf. You have to see it’s bad when the purest soul on earth is talking shit about you.
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Trump spent the other night attacking John & Chrissy. It didn’t go well. If we could trick him into dissing Beyoncé & Taylor Swift one night I swear their fans could get him to quit Twitter in 24 hours.
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OHMYGOD, I just figured out how to play Spotify on my TV! I’ve been listening to myself all day so I can earn some extra cash. I think I’m up to 78 cents! 😂
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THAT MOTHERFUCKER!!! the utterly repulsive President pardons a vicious racial profiler who has caused death and misery for years.
#IMPEACH
!
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Everyone loathes Donald Trump,
Including the Ladies he Humps.
I predict you will see,
He’ll begin World War III,
By Tweeting while taking a Dump.
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I am a 73 year old who can look at my country and actually make sense of it. Unlike you. You need a guide or teacher, my (gulp) friend. Plus, I don’t look like any 73 year old YOU have EVER seen, so consider that, you fucking sloth.
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Kayleigh, I say this with all due respect...go fuck yourself.
Where is
@JoeBiden
calling on the massive Super Spreader events held in his name to end❓ ⬇️
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Jacob Wohl, political idiot who wanted us to believe Liz Warren was raw dogging a jacked Marine now claims Kamala is boning her trainer. Should Jacob be MY new publicist? “Bette Midler doesn’t limp because of arthritic knees, she’s fucking a fireman Ironman triathlete mathlete!”
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God, I miss him.
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I think at tomorrow night's debate,
#JoeBiden
should start every response by looking at the moderator & saying, "Well, that's the 750 dollar question, isn't it?"
#DebateTuesday
. .
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REMEMBER WHEN
#DonaldTrump
SAID HE COULD SHOOT SOMEONE ON FIFTH AVENUE AND GET AWAY WITH IT? WELL, HE DIDN’T SHOOT SOMEONE HIMSELF, BUT HE INCITED OTHERS TO DO HIS DIRTY WORK FOR HIM, AS HE HAS DONE HIS WHOLE LIFE.
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Some couples do Valentines Day, and single ladies do Galentines Day, but my husband & I do Shallentines Day. As in: “Shall we have sex, or shall we nap?” It keeps the mystery alive!
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I know Presidential candidates have to humanize themselves, but why are we asking Elizabeth Warren, about her skincare routine? Nobody ever asks
#Trump
what he bastes himself with!
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#PiersMorgan
has been dishing it out for years & he walked out & quit after a minute of criticism by a colleague? Even
#Viagra
can't help a man who is that soft.
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Sistaaaaahs! ‘Tis time!
#HocusPocus2
is now in production, coming Fall 2022 to
@DisneyPlus
.
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Best quote of the week. “Let’s stop using the Latin, “quid pro quo” and start calling it what it really is: BRIBERY AND EXTORTION.”
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#KellyanneConway
had the audacity to ask a journalist’s ethnicity. I would like to know her methnicity, because it looks like she’s 100% pure.
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#HowardSchultz
is a reminder of how wealthy, opinionated white guys are just like Starbucks: there’s one on every fucking corner.
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The only family that should be detained is the one in the White House.
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Jesus, this is like being 16 again. Gas is cheap and I'm grounded.
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Robert Mueller was questioned for 7 hours yesterday, or about 6 hours longer than Trump has ever “worked” in a day.
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Saw the ugly video of Trump, made by his fans. But really? Nobody believes Trump could take down a church full of people when we’ve all seen him physically & mentally defeated by a single umbrella.
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