Like all the cool kids, I'm on Blue Sky these days https://t.co/SWasJs1EAk

It really sells it that he fucked up both sentences

ME: Eat your lemon PIRATE: No ME: It stops scurvy PIRATE: [folds arms, shuts eye] ME: [carves tiny skull on lemon] PIRATE: [opens eye a bit]

“I felt it leave… like a breath being let out of me.” One viewer’s moment of freedom while watching ElijahStreams.

[the other guy cheating on his wife at the Coldplay concert] phew

Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!

BOSS: Know why I called you in here? ME: Because I accidentally sent you a dick pic BOSS [stops pouring 2 glasses of wine] Accidentally?

A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills

[mothers day] Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother. Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.

me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff? shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good

hi, pre-k teacher here. no need to worry nancy, it’s in our curriculum to cover all the letters eventually. this week we’re working on S-T-F-U

i like when a greeting card already has a note pre written in there for you :) then u write ur own little note below it like hi haha that was the card before but it’s me now

For too long, America has had an economy

One of my most favourite silly gags in all cinema.

Me *putting honey on toast* Son: do you know bees make that? Me: uh yeah I'm not an idiot [Later] Date: tell me something interesting Me: bees make toast

dance like no one is watching text like the editor of the Atlantic was accidentally added to the group chat and is reading everything

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal? ME: Yes WAITER: Say when ME: Well now makes the most sense

professor x: whats your superpower? ostrich: i lay big egg professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

Lunch! Let's see what mom packed. Hope it's not just a note that says I'm a punk ass buster. Ok it is that note again tomorrow is a new day.

depressed bon jovi:

When you've got your husband's inauguration at 11:30am and you're racing Harrison Ford and Sean Connery to find the Holy Grail at 6:00pm.

Do employers actually care about “gaps in your resume”? Like can’t you just be like “yeah I decided not to work for a year” as a flex?