Silly season is upon us...
@AlyssonFergison
Followers
1,525
Following
398
Media
10,910
Statuses
40,464
White-knuckling this shit to the site of the crash. Sometimes I'm here a lot. Sometimes not. Objectively & subjectively funny. I don’t check DMs anymore.
Joined May 2010
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Pinned Tweet
A very effective way to stop the spread of misinformation/disinformation is hiding replies. Don't let chaos agents use your timeline.
The closer we get to November, the more important it becomes for all of us to do everything we can bury lies & propaganda, not just correct it.
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The Rock could have said nothing. He chose not to. And that's the takeaway here.
Real heroes defend American democracy, no matter the personal cost. Real heroes defend a woman's right to bodily autonomy, no matter the personal cost.
Dwayne Johnson is no hero.
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I got my 2nd Pfizer dose on June 8th. I still can't move things with my mind and spoons fall right off when I try to stick them to my forehead.
I need an email address to lodge a formal complaint. Crazy people promised me superpowers. And I want my goddamn superpowers!
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@StevieNicksTD
He used an awful lot of words to say, "Why can't a find a girl to touch my penis?"
And women, in one collective voice reply, "We get the feeling you intend to murder us and make lamps out of our skin, so... no. But thanks though."
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It's 10:27 am local time in Moscow. It's 3:27 am on the east coast in America and the Clintons are trending. If you think that's an organic trend, I have an amazing investment opportunity that will change your life!
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Please give me a moment to gather my myself and artfully craft a sincere & thoughtful counterargument...
Fuck Tony Dungy. I mean that with my whole heart, as life-long Colts fan. Fuck that DeSantis-ass-kissing, Trump-defending, bible-beating has been and his misogyny.
Tony Dungy fears Taylor Swift is part of why NFL fans are ‘disenchanted’
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I have an idea. Stay with me here...
Stop demanding Colin Kaepernick be given a second chance. Start demanding the NFL right a grievous wrong.
Saying he deserves a second chance makes it sound like he fucked up the first one. He didn't fuck anything up. The NFL fucked up.
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If you want to better understand the intersection of sexism & racism, according to *way* too many men (and even some women), somehow Jada Pinkett Smith is the supervillain in the whole "slap heard 'round the world" melodrama... and she literally didn't do *anything*.
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@ActivateAmyMode
Someone is confessing to never having made a woman wet and has convinced himself that's the way it's supposed to be. Bless his heart.
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@bethanyshondark
A couple questions:
When does that whole "sanctity of life" deal no longer apply for you pro-lifers... 70... 80... 90?
At what point does a living, breathing, sentient human being become expendable because you think wearing a mask or getting a shot is too great a burden?
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Uh... MSNBC hired Ronna Romney-McDaniel? Did that really happen?!? Welp, that's it for me then. I've been wondering for a while what my tipping point would be. Now I know.
#BoycottMSNBC
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When Mitt Romney decided to sorta, kinda take a stand against Trump & Trumpism, Mitt's niece, Ronna, dropped the Romney from her name.
That's the moment she joined a cult. Cults demand you sever ties with family, friends & loved ones who don't join the cult.
MAGA is a cult.
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I think a fair compromise between the "CANCEL EVERY PENNY" and "FUCK 'EM" crowds would be to cancel all accrued interest & penalties, apply all payments already made to the principle amount of the original loan and refinance the remaining balance at 0%.
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The only thing you really need to know about Sharon Osbourne is that she publicly referred to Piers Morgan as a friend without even one iota of shame. People choose their friends. And who they choose is a reflection of who they are.
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I don't know who came up with
#DonPoorleone
, but they should be buried underneath a mountain of magnificent mini-muffin baskets and Edible Arrangements right now.
That may be the greatest hashtag of all time...
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When you see Linda Ronstadt trending and your heart sinks, then you look and the first tweet is an old interview that she drags Rupert Murdoch in, so you scroll no further and kill the page with a sigh of relief...
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I was hoping once Meghan McCain left The View, we'd be able to forget all about her vapid ass. Alas...
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So... Kevin Arnold is a creep now? Having Scott Baio, Kirk Cameron and Ricky Schroeder turn out to be absolute boils on the anus of humanity wasn't enough, Universe? Fred Savage has to be a fetid pustule, too?!?
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Alec Baldwin put up with that ignorant cunt berating & harassing him in a coffee shop for a hell of a lot longer than I would have.
If your goal is to generate sympathy for the plight of the Palestinian people, this is counterproductive to that end. That's not what she wanted.
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@RBReich
@mtgreenee
If I were you, I probably would have led with the whole Secretary of Labor from 1993-1997 thing and the 18.6 million jobs created — most in the history of this country, by the way — during the 8 years of the Clinton Administration. But that's just me.
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Translation: "Elizabeth Warren inexplicably continues campaigning for a job she's never going to have, rather than actually doing the one she has... which is to write and work to pass legislation."
Senator Elizabeth Warren is eclipsing President Biden with endorsements and, at times, as the Democrats' leading voice on major issues, including abortion and canceling student debt
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Someone please tell Gwen Stefani that it is the ninth day of the fourth month of the two thousand twenty first year of our Lord, she is 51 goddamn years old and she's got no business hanging out in a locker room with all those motherfuckin' kids.
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100% of the people shrieking about Katie Hobbs running for governor while serving as Arizona's Secretary of State had absolutely no problem whatsoever with Brian Kemp doing the *exact* same thing in Georgia 4 years ago.
They have no sincerely held principles *at all*. None.
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I bet Neri Oxman wishes her racist-ass billionaire husband had kept his cracker mouth shut, huh?
I mean, if it was always about plagiarism, it's clear what has to happen next. Right?!?
When I say these people have no sincerely held principles or beliefs except racism...
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Who is this hero and where should I send his muffin basket?
Today The People’s Convoy was defeated by one person riding a bike in downtown DC.
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Let's be clear about what he means when he mentions "division"... money. He's pissed that doing the right thing cost him money. He has more money than he and his descendants will be able to spend in generations, but his focus is on his bottom line, American democracy be damned.
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Translation: Jill Stein was exactly the ratfucker she was paid to be in 2016 and without her there never would've been a Trump presidency.
I'll never forgive her. I'll never forgive those who voted for her or any other 3rd party candidate in 2016.
And neither should you.
Biden got a larger % of the vote in every state compared to HRC, and 43 states + DC swung to him in terms of margin. However, 26 of those states + DC swung to Biden with Trump 2020 still gaining votes over 2016, due to a drop in third party support.
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Hate to break it to all the wingnuts screeching that Biden is to blame for the formula shortage, but...
It was actually caused by run o' the mill corporate greed from Abbott Nutrition, which didn't want to properly maintain its Michigan plant and had to recall TONS of formula.
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This may be the greatest self-own in Twitter history and the only people who don't know it are the students & faculty at PragerU.
Young people are enamored with "anti-racist" rhetoric because they think they are fighting racist systems in America. The TRUTH is they are fighting America itself and the very values the country was founded on.
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Ginni Thomas is a traitor.
She actively participated in a conspiracy to overturn the results of a free & fair Democratic election and undermine the sovereignty of the United States Government.
History will not be kind to her, nor will it be kind to her husband.
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@BogHagJess
@SeanSouthardKY
@DaltonWorkmanKY
And lesbians... also spontaneously created new lesbians.
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@iamalmostlegend
Now, let's say someone did this in raw numbers instead of percentages and applied it to white folks...
Let's make up some stats!
Meth labs reduced by 37,412
Domestic violence reduced by 152,977,827
Opioid addicts reduced by 2,106,309
Mass shootings reduced by 547
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That Senator Warnock didn't absolutely trounce Hershel Walker in a magnificent landslide is a stain Georgia will never be able to wash out of the fabric of that state's history.
Even if Walker ultimately loses, this is a shameful and disgusting moment for the state of Georgia.
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"Bernie Sanders, civil rights champion" is probably the most profoundly offensive enduring myth about Maple Syrup Moses.
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Can we stop elevating former Republicans & never-have-been Democrats to rockstar status in the Democratic Party and start paying attention to people — like Senator Whitehouse — who actually do real work, instead of just blowing dog whistles and pounding the drum of populism?
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Scientology should not be trending under "Entertainment". Cults aren't entertaining. And that cult, in particular, is terrifying.
Here come the crazies... RIP my mentions. It's almost like I do this shit on purpose.
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Bill Ackman didn't have to ruin anyone's life. He did it for sport. And now that the same net he used to catch others has caught his wife, all of a sudden it's time to cut that net.
Translation: "I've fucked around like this my whole life and never found out! WHAAAAAA!"
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@chris_notcapn
This may sound crazy, but hear me out... I'm beginning to think "someone" has figured out that pitting black folks against each other with nonsense narratives about their own blackness is an effective tactic in a larger strategy to preserve white supremacy indefinitely.
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@MadisonKittay
Make some home made lip balm or eye cream to give out as gifts around the holidays.
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I admit it... I watched the Ricki Lake Show. If you're GenX, so did you. Don't lie.
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@chris_notcapn
I will never stop saying this:
Where do people think America's Founding Racists came from?!?
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@notcapnamerica
As far as they're concerned, her standing up for herself & her children (or even for her husband) is considered disrespect. The same was true for Diana, but there's a whole extra mountain of racism heaped right on top, especially from the British media, when it comes to Meghan.
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MAGAts trying to claim George Carlin as their patron saint is the most hilariously ridiculous and unexpected things to happen in 2021. I suspect he'd have hated those numpties with the white-hot passion of 1000 suns.
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Ricky Gervais is a profoundly decent, exceedingly good and indubitably admirable man.
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How is Ben Carson trending? I thought we were done with that ridiculous man!
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Wait... these jars of rancid mayo hate Meghan Markle so much they spread rumors that her mother went to prison for drug crimes?!?
They're going off legal documents for another Dorian Ragland, a.k.a. "Big D"... a man, who happens to have the same name.
GEE. ZUS.
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The absolute dumbest thing the right has ever done is overturning Roe v. Wade. They woke up Gen X women. We admittedly weren't as vigilant as we should have been... didn't pay as much attention as we should have to their fuckery over the past couple decades.
They fucked up.
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A fetus is not a person until it can survive outside a woman's body.
I am not a fetal incubator. I am a sentient human being with an inalienable right to decide whether I *ever* experience pregnancy and childbirth.
You do not have the right to decide that for me.
#ProLife
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How did Mesa get conned into issuing a permit for another Trump rally when he still owes them tens of thousands of dollars from previous Klantastic circle jerks?!?
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I loathe Amy Coney Barrett. I sincerely detest her & everything she represents.
She did the right thing today. She did what she was morally compelled to do as a human being. She did what she was legally required to do as a jurist.
She was the last line of defense today.
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Kevin Sorbo is trending? What the hell stupid shit did Five Below Fabio say now?!?
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@halleberry
I'm just gonna go ahead & leave this here for when the original post inevitably gets deleted, because this shade deserves to live on in its entirety for eternity.
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Trump is calling Fetterman a druggie because he was sailing so high on the wings of Adderall last night he time travelled back to 2020 when he was still president.
And he knows we know it. He's trying to deflect attention away from his accelerating decline into pure madness.
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Fun fact: Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell never married. That's real love; knowing the person you wake up next to every morning is there because they really want to be, not because they're legally obligated to be... that they could leave at any time and choose not to.
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Right on cue... Jada haters in the reply thread. They just can't resist proving my point.
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Eric Boehlert died? Are you fucking kidding me?!? I hate this timeline. This is truly the worst timeline. 2022 can just fuck off already. Goddamnit.
The world will be a darker, less informed place for his absence.
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@NickAdamsinUSA
Joe Biden is a devout Catholic who attends church virtually every Sunday and has a deep & abiding faith.
You've spent more time in a strip mall Planet Fitness than Donald Trump has spent in a church.
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@notcapnamerica
@SarahKSilverman
Let's engage in a collective suspension of disbelief moment and pretend we believe her...
I *still* can't seem to find any tweets in her timeline dragging Kanye for his comments about Harriet Tubman or slavery being a choice.
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Based on the interviews and such with Fetterman that I'd seen on TV in recent years, I always liked him. He seemed like a decent guy and his rhetoric was spot on.
Then I learned he pulled a shotgun on and illegally detained a black guy who was just jogging down the street...
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@SIfill_
In part because of the GOP, and in even larger part because of the American media, at least half the country will never truly understand the national security implications of what he's done. It will very purposely *not* be discussed in the proper context.
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@AmyLappos
I kindly invite Dime Store Julianne Moore here to belly up to a Sizzler-sized buffet of all-you-can-eat teriyaki dick tips served on warm beds of al dente fetid ass boil fettuccini.
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Amy Coney Barrett & John Roberts did what Jesus would do today. They did what anyone who claims to be pro-life would be compelled to do. They also did what the law demanded of them.
Militant pseudo-Christians and law & order cosplay patriots are calling for their execution.
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As of about an hour & a half ago, I am officially 2-dose Alysson of House Pfizer.
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@notcapnamerica
This is what happens when there was a Glamor Shots in every mall in the Midwest.
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North Carolina DEMs should just run the clip of Mark Robinson saying he wants to go back to before women could vote on a loop with every ad buy. No need to waste a lot of campaign money producing ads. Just use his own words. It's all on video.
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Anyone who travels with loose ammo in their luggage that they never even knew was there is an irresponsible gun owner, whether they're traveling internationally or not.
Another American tourist has been arrested in Turks and Caicos after ammunition was found in his luggage. The 30-year-old Virginia man is one of at least four American tourists potentially facing a lengthy prison sentence under a strict new island law.
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The tuba players outside Trump Tower are not the heroes we deserve, but they're the heroes we need right now.
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Beau Biden developed a brain tumor as a result of being exposed to toxic burn pits in Iraq. His death is service related.
Why is this such a difficult concept for these no-class assclowns to wrap their minds... you know what, I didn't fully appreciate that until I typed it.
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Pat Robertson is trending and I want so much for it to be because he died. Don't tell me if he didn't. Just let me have this.
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Does anyone else suspect James O'Keefe is totally about to fake his own death?
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@mistergeezy
The whining and pleading these videos are more frequently ending with these days is... satisfying. Don't mind me. I'll just be over here sipping this schadenfreude cocktail and eating this apple.
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@notcapnamerica
Why is simply *acknowledging the existence* of people who aren't white by casting them in a TV show or writing an episode that includes them considered "politically correct" in his mind?
This is a rhetorical question... of course. We all know why.
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You know you're Gen X when you see Carlos Santana trending and this immediately pops into your head:
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1) Nonsense. She's had plenty of opportunity to properly grieve her father's death. She staged a photo op to try to increase sales of her garbage book *AT HIS GRAVE*.
2) What does repeatedly calling Steve Schmidt a pedophile get her?!?
Dragged... it got her dragged.
@SteveSchmidtSES
@MeghanMcCain
What does this get you? You helped choose Palin and you made her into the modern GOP- nothing wrong with that. But going after Meghan, who has never had the opportunity to properly grieve her father’s death, seems wrong.
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I was wrong. Seeing Gen X trending and not wanting to bother even writing a new tweet about it is as Gen X as it gets.
I am certain Dark Side of the 90's was created specifically to destroy Gen X's fond memories of that decade.
I know that. Yet I keep watching anyway.
That's as Gen X as it gets.
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@sadglamour
@PrestonMitchum
I'm tired of my fellow white women whining every goddamn time someone makes a factual statement about our demographic. Half the crap we have to deal with is... wait for it... a direct result of wayyyyyyy too many of us voting against our own interests time & time & time again.
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Once you look into this Nina Simone thing, it becomes clear *very* quickly that her family didn't inherit her estate because SHE did not want them to have it. That was HER choice. And SHE had the right to make it.
Then her own daughter embezzled millions from her charity.
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@notcapnamerica
That photo will probably be entered into evidence during a murder trial at some point down the road.
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@AmyKremer
They literally murdered a cop, you shamelessly obsequious, embarrassingly sycophantic knob.
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@HawleyMO
Imagine if Germany felt this way about teaching the unvarnished history of the rise of Hitler and Nazism.
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These anti-American Christofascist assholes think their religion gives them the right to force me to incubate a fetus against my will.
Goddamn right I'm angry.
@AlyssonFergison
@3000phon
I think I said in the above tweet that I don’t care if you believe me or not.. but here you are, still replying. I don’t “pretend” anything by the way. Not sure why you are even saying that?? You seem so angry. Sad.
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Once a ratfucker, always a ratfucker.
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@pcrritesgood
@TheRealHoarse
That we can't immediately assume with 100% certainty whether her visual aid has been Photoshopped or not is the craziest thing of all. I don't even know how The Onion is still a thing at this point.
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Dear Paula Patton,
That chicken did not give its life just so you could desecrate its memory and mock its sacrifice like that... and neither did Jesus.
Signed,
Embarrassed For You
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@ej11lizzie
@RzstProgramming
Dude didn't even stop at *a* racism. I think he did *all* the racisms just in this one thread. Goddamn!
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@DavidLohnes
You're about to get the dragging you so richly deserve. And you'll undoubtedly get defensive and double down, rather than learning from your mistake and using the experience to become a less shitty person.
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I get that 3 living presidents getting together for a political fundraiser is a big fuckin' deal, but I didn't realize it was Joan-Rivers-resurrected-on-Good-Friday big.
Man, I can't wait to see those pics...
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@blissedbitch
Weird how everything they do is somehow a woman's fault. You'd think if they were so "superior", they'd be able to control their own behavior, no matter what a woman does or doesn't do.
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@patriottakes
Bugs gave us the only reasonable solution to America's Florida problem.
Signed,
Former Florida Resident
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She's been quietly doing this for decades. She started the Imagination Library in 1995 to serve families where she grew up in Sevier County, TN.
Today it gifts more than a million books *a month* to kids in 5 countries around the world.
Dolly Parton is a national treasure.
So cool. Thanks to
@DollyParton
, a new bill signed into law will provide millions of children under the age of five in California to receive a free book every month. Since 2004, literacy advocate Parton has gifted 186 million books across five countries.
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Me: I can't believe Netflix made an entire series about blowing glass. Who is this show for? Who's gonna watch this?!?
Also me: That design is way too fuckin' ambitious... no way in hell is he gonna get that done in the allotted time.
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@notcapnamerica
She got the memo and decided her paycheck is more important to her than her professional reputation & journalistic integrity.
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The Oath Keepers are not a militia. They are a white nationalist domestic terrorist organization.
They did not *infiltrate* law enforcement and the military. They *came from* law enforcement and the military.
People better damn well recognize & understand the difference.
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@cbouzy
@notcapnamerica
I'm guessing if one were to do a similar analysis of Ron DeSantis's account, a similar pattern would be identified.
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@notcapnamerica
It was only a matter of time before he went full anti-Semite. It's in the playbook. That's how you level-up in the Grand Theft MAGA.
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Twister came out in 1996. That was 25 years ago. I refuse to feel old alone. You're gonna suffer with me, whether you like it or not.
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Texas Attorney General, Ken Paxton, has been under indictment for the past 5 *YEARS* and is the subject of an ongoing abuse of power investigation by the FBI.
Tell me more about how you don't believe white privilege is a thing...
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