xanax in cinnabon (ali)
@xanabon
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local sweetie pie
Pittsburgh, PA
Joined September 2010
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parents when you mention your mental illness might have something to do with how you were raised
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i love when my cat pushes open the bathroom door the same way a cowboy would bust open the doors to a saloon
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you want me to go to a meeting? the thing that killed Julius Caesar?
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How did Chris Pratt get famous with the personality of a youth pastor and the aesthetic of a game stop employee
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if you ask me to go on a walk with you I will always say yes. I am an absolute glutton for a strut, literally obsessed with going on a little fucking stroll and lollygagging about! I’m always on the prowl for a promenade! a slut for a saunter and ambling around like a fool!
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sorry I can’t hang I have to Sit In The House and Feel Weird
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Comedians in cars picking up their girlfriends from algebra 2
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Airbnb landlords are like “how come no one wants to book my house??” maybe it’s bc you evicted a family of 4, converted their home into a shoddy duplex, filled it with clearance bin TJ Maxx decor, and charge guests $200 for a cleaning fee, all bc you don’t feel like getting a job
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why does a tire company decide the best places to eat
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happy anniversary to the Princess Diana Revenge Dress, for those who celebrate
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one day you wore a lacy cami under a graphic hollister tshirt for the very last time and you didn’t even know it
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Hot Ones but instead of wings it’s increasingly terrifying dabs
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I went to the total sweetie pie convention and everyone knew you
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when my kitties flaunt their b-holes in the air I push their tail down and say “subscribers only!!!”
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“You’re not like other girls” actually I’m exactly like other girls. I love pink and lip gloss and iced lattes. I would literally die for hello kitty. when I hear Motion Sickness by Phoebe Bridgers my period automatically syncs up with all the girls nearby.
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“I’m a manic pixie dream girl” my sister in Christ you are 35
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British reality shows: here in a meadow, 12 jolly bakers compete to bake the tastiest sticky toffee pudding
American reality shows: if Bill can survive 10 days in the wilderness with nothing but some hotdogs and a gun, we promise to pay for his daughter’s insulin
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(depressed Italian guy voice) ayyy I’m sulkin’ here
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(tiktok robot girl voice) sending the prosecution two years worth of incriminating evidence against my client
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changing my name to crypto so men see long term potential in an objectively unstable prospect
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“yOu ReALlY dIdN’T kNoW tHiS???” No beautiful princess university doesn’t teach the lore of football family dynasties
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tell me a Vine you’ve never been able to get out of your head
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the masculine urge to learn therapy speak just enough to weaponize it
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A Steely Dan McDonald’s meal would just be divorce papers and a bag of cocaine
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“hot girls get a tummy ache” is the new “touch my butt and buy me pizza” no I will not elaborate
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what dead famous person would you smoke a blunt with and why is it princess diana
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airports should have an obstacle course for those times when you’re stuck for too long and get the zoomies
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if you stay in Pittsburgh long enough eventually you’ll watch every place you love turn into a UPMC building
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being bored at a low-stress 6 figure job is a skill issue if I’ve ever heard one
a fake email job is not all that desirable. you'll work 1h a day and be bored out of your mind for $150k a year. it's like premium unemployment
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@MaxMcAdams
Exactly!!! You either actually have covid or uh the worst cold of your life so please stay away???
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Also, sorry to belabor my point, but it’s actually hilarious for these wealthy property hoarders to wonder publicly why no one wants to stay in a $400/night room in Cincinnati during a major economic downturn. Just a complete failure to read the room.
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adding street porta potty to the pittsburgh hall of fame
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I think I read that the Michelin star is awarded to restaurants that are worth putting miles on your tires for … which is a sick compliment I guess, but why do we have to bring cars into this?
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I can’t tell if so many people liked this because they also didn’t know this information or because they’re amused by my never knowing this, despite having Yinzer in my bio 😭
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@RaxKingIsDead
exactly!!! I don’t want the sinus thing or the panic and doubt that comes with “the sinus thing”!
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They all go to Pilates and make matcha smoothies and for what???? I would be a renaissance woman and my neighbors would lament my hesitancy to run for city council
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thinking about how my apartment is over 100 years old and has a built- in area just for smoking and yapping
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honoring the father figures in my life by punching dry wall
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watching the sopranos isn’t enough for me I need to wear a tracksuit and get hit with a RICO charge
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how it feels to put your shoes on and collect your bags at TSA
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the CDC says it’s officially safe to open up the dirty window and let the sun illuminate the words that you cannot find
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this was more of a rhetorical question but thank you
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isn’t it funny how a man can understand how a computer mines crypto but not the consequences of his actions
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A tire company choosing the best chefs, what’s next, dogs electing the president? astronauts choosing the winner of American idol?
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I love how Dolly Parton’s “why’d you come in here lookin like that” is about a cowboy who’s so hot it’s infuriating
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@ElyKreimendahl
I knew a woman who worked part time retail in skincare just for discounts and time out of the house. She was a stay at home wife, and I also think about her every day.
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@arbysmozzstick
sorry your toilet is busted enjoy this wall hanging with “spiritual gangster” written in girlboss font
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no way there are 30 year old Catholics?? we’re still doing this???
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here are mine:
“You can’t fuck with meeeeeee. Nobody can fuck with meeeee”
“More like hurricane tortilllaaaaa”
“What the FUCK IS UP KYLE”
I think of “road work ahead, I sure hope it does” every day of my life
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starting to believe I missed out on the American Dream by not doing PPP fraud or causing an economic disaster
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imagine marrying the love of your life and one day you discover he isn’t even weed
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huge “this down ain’t big enough for the two of us” energy, from a tiny little cat
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I love watching people’s reactions when they realize the writer of White Lotus is Ned Schneebly from School of Rock
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@cathasach4bikes
I haven’t booked one since covid because hosts use the pandemic as an excuse to charge guests for what? … using bleach? what were you doing before??
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those “I was born in the wrong generation” people are insane to me. have you ever tried a Crunchwrap supreme? have you ever taken a xanax and watched the great british baking show?
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what does it even mean when a man says “i got alot going on”?
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when I finally leave the house and wear one of my little outfits
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some strains of pop punk are so strange. like why are you, as a 35 year old man with alimony and mortgage payments, writing songs about sneaking out of the house to tell a girl how you feel?
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i hit it off with a girl in the bathroom of a bar and when she asked me where my under 21 wristband was,I was like, “oh! I’m 28”and she replied, “oh my god! I’m ten years younger than you!” and I said, “you’re younger than the Iraq war??”and then I became her adoptive mother
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I thought going goblin mode was when you got up on all fours to run up the stairs
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“hike up your skirt a little more and show your world to me” is one of the worst lyrics of all time
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@Kittenfish817
No, with the only exception being the day man / night man episode of it’s always Sunny
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as expected some of you are being very obnoxious about a joke
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men don’t sit you down and play you a song on the harmonica like they used to
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asking me to share 3 fun facts about myself is a HIPAA violation
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I’m all for letting people enjoy things, unless that thing is that hobby where you make your car louder
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being a girl is all about hyping up your birthday week and then spending your actual birthday like this
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(guy who only posts about how horny he is) okay here’s my take on Ukraine
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when my beautiful friends with gigantic brains and hearts of gold start apologizing for talking too much
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my not-so-hot take is Sean Evans from Hot Ones is a far better journalist and interviewer than any late night personality and should be slated to replace Fallon
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conservatives be like “this is our daughter Reighgynn”
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