Moved 5 min away from my gf and she showed me this amazing sub shop.
Today she broke up with me and that sub shop closed permanently. Life comes at u fast man lmao
I tried to end a situationship with a “I think we’re just on different wavelengths” text
She flipped it and said I really liked going out with you but I don’t think this is gonna work
She literally did the you can’t fire me, I quit!
Fuckin well played samantha
There will never be a run like Will Ferrell from 2003 to 2010
Old school
Elf
Kicking and screaming
Wedding crashers
Talladega Nights
Blades of Glory
Semi Pro
Stepbrothers
The other guys
I’ve found the best Mexican food in Brooklyn and now it’s literally all I think about. I’ve consumed 12 enchiladas this week. I should be ashamed but I’m blinded by flavor.
Apologies to the lovely lesbian couple I left with the psycho on the 4 last night but I had to get off when the homeless guy said “I’ll gut u right open white boy” for the eighth time
I’ve done it. Befriended the 92 year old living on the THIRD FLOOR WALKUP of my building. Stairs hardly intimidate her. The apt is a legit time capsule. She made me tea (she’s British). Incredible stories and lessons. Best hour of my life.
Nyc is hilarious man
Walk into a sandwich place to eat and they’re already acting annoyed
Gives me different sandwich AND coffee from what I ordered, and both taste better than what I would have got
Bathroom no paper towels and dude tells me to wipe on my pants
10/10
Here’s a tip:
If you have coronavirus but just NEED to go to Disneyland with your 8 children and toothless wife; freeze your flask of southern comfort the night prior. This way you can place to your forehead at the gate to trick the thermometer.
I work with this Ukrainian dude and whenever you’re saying something that he doesn’t feel like listening to he will shout “doesn’t matter, doesn’t matter!” and move on to what he wants to talk about
Some guy just called me stupid fuckin liberal in a Verizon store bc he couldn’t buy a car charger with cash. Lmao I was literally just a customer shopping I didn’t deserve the smoke
Valentine's Day can still be fun even if you broke up. Do you have information about a former (or current) partner involved in illegal gun activity? Let us know, and we will make sure it's a Valentine's Day to remember! Call 1-888-ATF-TIPS or email ATFTips
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Okay
I legit had 8 full boxes of cereal
I told my new roommate he could have some
We’ve been here for 11 days and he’s eaten legitimately all my cereal. 8 full fucking boxes? ??huh??? I WANT SOME FUCKING FROSTED MINI WHEATS AARON WTF
This is the most fucked day in subway history. We’re on hour two of trying to get home from 59th st and lex. Generally a 25 min subway.
@MTA
I plan on vandalizing
Waitress says “wow you finished that quick!” And held out her hand to take the plate and I thought she was tryna dap me up so I gave her that skin baby!!!!
I have three personalities
Driving, thinks all people who bike don’t deserve life
Biking, thinks all people who drive don’t deserve life
Walking, thinks about mozzarella sticks
They killed a baby elephant. The hunting company is Charlton McCallum Hunting Safaris. The owner is Buzz Charlton. The professional hunter is Max Delezenne and the trophy hunter is Mike Jines, the owner of TopGen Energy. Do your thing, internet.