wheelchair jimmy
@wheelxhairjimmy
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Following
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Media
43
Statuses
2,857
ex runescape influencer. pro child labor. parody of a comedy account.
Brooklyn, NY
Joined September 2012
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Moved 5 min away from my gf and she showed me this amazing sub shop.
Today she broke up with me and that sub shop closed permanently. Life comes at u fast man lmao
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Delta delayed my 7am flight till 11am.
5 mimosas deep and all I want to do is call my 5th grade baseball coach and ask if he’s proud of me
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Tim said he hated that euphoria song so I learned it just to spite him
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My cousin just got married and is calling her his “first wife”
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If I get a 100% on all four of my finals, I will come out with only a 3.1 gpa. WE ARE (failing)
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I tried to end a situationship with a “I think we’re just on different wavelengths” text
She flipped it and said I really liked going out with you but I don’t think this is gonna work
She literally did the you can’t fire me, I quit!
Fuckin well played samantha
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There will never be a run like Will Ferrell from 2003 to 2010
Old school
Elf
Kicking and screaming
Wedding crashers
Talladega Nights
Blades of Glory
Semi Pro
Stepbrothers
The other guys
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I’ve found the best Mexican food in Brooklyn and now it’s literally all I think about. I’ve consumed 12 enchiladas this week. I should be ashamed but I’m blinded by flavor.
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Apologies to the lovely lesbian couple I left with the psycho on the 4 last night but I had to get off when the homeless guy said “I’ll gut u right open white boy” for the eighth time
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Getting drunk is like borrowing happiness from the next morning
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If u have a short lil black bun and a body like Mewtwo hit my line I’ll literally just give u all my money
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I overhear so many people talkin shit on their parents here. Bitch I know you ain't payin for psu, be more grateful...
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Conservatives so wrapped up in the game they forgot this is taking freedom away
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I’ve done it. Befriended the 92 year old living on the THIRD FLOOR WALKUP of my building. Stairs hardly intimidate her. The apt is a legit time capsule. She made me tea (she’s British). Incredible stories and lessons. Best hour of my life.
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I swear I have fun even though I don't snapchat every waking moment of it
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flirting with the halal truck guy to get extra white sauce
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Didn’t check the weather and wore a white tee shirt into the city and now everyone can see my tits
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People so fast to share the blunt but won't give up one McDonald's nugget
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3 pabst, 2 bites of a sketchy bodega shrooms bar, and 1 joint of cougar piss and ima have myself a NIGHT at Dom fike
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LN a hinge girl told me another one of my hinge girls reached out to her on insta and told her I ghost girls lmao this is insane
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Saw Eric Andre filming in Brooklyn today! Prank was so funny he made me blow him. Huge fan!!!
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Imagine if my girl found out I only click on about 5% of the links she texts me
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Queens be like you went to 462-41 s 661st ave not 462-41 s 661st rd
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My ex broke up with me so I’m getting coffee with the even older ex. Bad things to come. Will keep u updated
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Just held the door open for some lady and she said “I could’ve gotten that” lmao
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Starting to think this billy eyelash dude is a chick
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@russwest44
@MichelleObama
You ran into her? Bruh it look like you just interrupted her Netflix marathon
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Nyc is hilarious man
Walk into a sandwich place to eat and they’re already acting annoyed
Gives me different sandwich AND coffee from what I ordered, and both taste better than what I would have got
Bathroom no paper towels and dude tells me to wipe on my pants
10/10
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Just found that I’ve been paying my parents EZ Pass bill for the last three years. Take a closer look at your bills folk
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Tried flirting with my hot ass Latina hairdresser at the salon and she said “sweetie my husband will murder you”
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Here’s a tip:
If you have coronavirus but just NEED to go to Disneyland with your 8 children and toothless wife; freeze your flask of southern comfort the night prior. This way you can place to your forehead at the gate to trick the thermometer.
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I work with this Ukrainian dude and whenever you’re saying something that he doesn’t feel like listening to he will shout “doesn’t matter, doesn’t matter!” and move on to what he wants to talk about
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Started hiccuping in the Uber and driver rolled my window down lmao
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A coworker called me a little bitch boy yesterday and my boss’s solution was for us both to join CrossFit
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Shoutout to Ma and Pa for their 33rd anniversary and more importantly the creation of me lol much love
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I literally got 0 emails yesterday. People really giving up huh
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Dom fike dropped new album so obviously I had to try one
Sick by Dominic fike
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Whether it’s 4 hours or 9 hours of sleep, I still wake up a tired little bitch!
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Some guy just called me stupid fuckin liberal in a Verizon store bc he couldn’t buy a car charger with cash. Lmao I was literally just a customer shopping I didn’t deserve the smoke
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Two weeks in a row no Chris D’Elia pod?? Wonder what happened
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this is demented lmao
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My boss’s father died and on today’s conference call my boss pushed away condolences saying “he had a good run”
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My favorite song of all time. Pool house by backseat lovers. I’m quite literally obsessed
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Okay
I legit had 8 full boxes of cereal
I told my new roommate he could have some
We’ve been here for 11 days and he’s eaten legitimately all my cereal. 8 full fucking boxes? ??huh??? I WANT SOME FUCKING FROSTED MINI WHEATS AARON WTF
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There is nothing I hate more then someone telling me to relax.
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I don’t even talk to girls on hinge I just rack up matches for ego inflation
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Showed a lovely old Chinese woman where her subway was and I literally demand the Nobel peace prize
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Spending more time calculating what your grade would be if you fail the exam than actually studying for the exam
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This is the most fucked day in subway history. We’re on hour two of trying to get home from 59th st and lex. Generally a 25 min subway.
@MTA
I plan on vandalizing
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My new rando roomie drank my entire handle of tequila and is now butthurt that I told him to braid the pubes on my lower shaft
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Hi
@AbbyWambach
give a shoutout to your biggest fan
@YoungWildN_Bree
who is currently in treatment kicking cancer's ass for the second time!
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Day 90 of not hearing tekashi 6ix9ine’s name. finding sanity.
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It’s already too hot I’m sweating and annoyed and my underwear is a size too small
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Girls only get engaged so their friends will share on their stories. Convince me otherwise
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I feel attacked lmao
every person ive slept with lives in the room that is 200 dollars cheaper than their roommate’s
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Weird that at 19 I'm living in the biggest house I'll ever live in
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I work with a bunch of old white conservative men and they’re all experts at missing the point.
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I want to comment on new boyfriend insta posts, “thought you loved the last one???” with the swaggy P meme
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Waitress says “wow you finished that quick!” And held out her hand to take the plate and I thought she was tryna dap me up so I gave her that skin baby!!!!
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hoodie season is back
I am hot again
time to fatfish these hoes
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THE NEW VACCINE ALLOWS KAMALA HARRIS TO SEE YOUR PORNHUB SEARCH BAR HISTORY
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Why doesn’t Biden just send Skete to steal Putin’s girl
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I have three personalities
Driving, thinks all people who bike don’t deserve life
Biking, thinks all people who drive don’t deserve life
Walking, thinks about mozzarella sticks
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Hi 👋
My name is Matt and it’s been 182 days since I texted the Colombian girl
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Timothée Chalamet just blew me a kiss from the checkout line of Dallas BBQ and mouthed “it’s my little secret.” Loved him in Dune.
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We prioritize people thinking we had fun over having fun
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No China virus can stop you from you god given American inalienable rights to go on splash mountain and kill people
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Why did they make Brock from Pokémon so god damn horny lmao
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Thank god you posted an insta story of you and your BFF for her birthday because I was seriously starting to doubt your friendship
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Fall/Winter be my shit! Type o weather you can hide your fat in
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Living with my roommate Jake is great. It’s like having a free maid.
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Getting humbled by subway momentum is important to our egos
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How teenie weenie does your little boy penis have to be to want to kill elephants?
They killed a baby elephant. The hunting company is Charlton McCallum Hunting Safaris. The owner is Buzz Charlton. The professional hunter is Max Delezenne and the trophy hunter is Mike Jines, the owner of TopGen Energy. Do your thing, internet.
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Nothing gets me more excited than the $85 1 hour 9 mile Uber ride home from jfk!!!!!!
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