the pyhe
@thepyyyyhe
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Pinned Tweet
what y'all call "white wine" is actually yellow wine. the real white wine is whole milk
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adults need to stop getting birthday cakes, those are for children. stick a candle in something more age-appropriate, like a baguette or a pile of cocaine
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it's a myth that the pentagon spends $150 on a hammer and $347 on a toilet seat, that's just creative accounting to cover up what they're really buying: bees, in bulk [there's an ominous buzzing at my door]
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don't lump all ceos together and call us evil. i'm the ceo of my house and i pay my cats a fair wage, even though they constantly disobey me and take excessive bathroom breaks. jeff beezus and i are not the same
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"take us to your leader" is just the alien version of "i'd like to speak to your manager"
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no offense to las vegas but i experience fear and loathing in every city
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guy inventing orange juice: i'm gonna crush the life out of these things and drink their blood
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the entire story becomes a lot less interesting when you realize his full name was harold potter
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they should invent diet weed: it still gets you high but doesn't make you talk about how cool it is all the time
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you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it understand the unfathomable dread that resides at the core of your very existence
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a show called law & order: svu (special vape unit), where they go around arresting anyone who vapes
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in australia kangaroos are full citizens and ride the train to work just like everyone else
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[neo takes the blue pill instead and it turns into a 2-hour movie about a dude sitting in his basement and posting conspiracy theories on 4chan]
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some guy said "states should have an official bird" and everyone else was like yeah ok cool, official bird, smart
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referring to the harry potter books as "the collected works of j.k. rowling"
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@soldierboy69_
joseph: you were out til 5 am again, what were you doing?
mary: worshipping god
joseph: cool babe love u ❤️
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george washington was by far the most inept president. "i cannot tell a lie" bitch literally a 5-year-older can tell a lie, it's like the easiest thing
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[accidentally satisfying a woman on the 300th try at having sex] this god-given sexual prowess is a blessing and a curse
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nerds be like "i know a spot" and then set up an entire game of settlers of catan
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but enough about coronavirME *takes her hand and gazes deep into her eyes* let's talk about coronavirUS
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she becomes a lot less cool when you realize her full name is nicole minaj
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if i ever become famous and tmz tries to get video of me i'll shout "no free clout" and jump in traffic
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ambulances always be whining like damn chill dude we all hate being stuck in traffic
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the movie home alone but instead of all the wacky traps kevin traps the burglars inside, burns the entire house down, makes it look like a robbery gone wrong, and then his parents collect the insurance money
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in the unlikely event of a water landing, your seat cushion can be used to scream into in blind terror until you're destroyed when the plane smashes into the sea
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jerking off alone in the airplane bathroom call that the mile cry club
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when my friends from texas come to visit i like to tell them that i'm taking them out for the best bbq they've ever had in their lives and then i take them to arby's
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just got the money from my first big job and went out n spent $200 on dinner. i can't express enough how good it feels to rob banks
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vampires fear garlic because they're all horny as shit and don't want garlic breath to prevent them from getting laid
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the existence of witch doctors implies the existence of witch nurses, witch orderlies, witch hospitals with witch administrators and witch billing specialists. witch ambulances with witch emts. but of course no one talks about this
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it was called the trojan horse cause it had a trojan brand® condom on its big wooden dick
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sarge saved my life back in 'nam, i'd follow him into the bowels of hell [sarge goes into a tgi fridays] sarge no
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really struggling right now is the "pizza delivery guy who's actually there to fuck you" industry
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guys it turns out cvs receipts are really long 😂
c
v
s
r
e
c
e
i
p
t
l
o
l
unlike my dick 😔
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imagining an actual person designated "party pooper" whose job it is to shit their pants at some point in the night to signal to everyone that the party is over
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we spend billions of dollars trying to regrow hair for dudes who are just starting to lose it, but zero dollars trying to help mostly bald guys get rid of what's left so they don't look like that anymore
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getting in the taxi, pointing to a random car and telling the driver "follow that blue honda" just to freak someone out
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the guy who just honked at me should die, totally not my fault that i didn't notice the light turn green because i was playing on my phone
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i hold my hand up under my chin whenever i sit down in my car just in case there's a guy with a garrote wire lurking in the back seat
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fuck showing people basic kindness. i show them advanced kindness. none of this kindness 101 amateur-hour bs
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toddlers are like drunk adults, 5 shots of tequila and they're stumbling all over the place
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the sega guy needed a badass character to headline this gaming system and his first thought was "hedgedog"
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testing the waters to see how my gf would react to a marriage proposal by breaking up with her and having my best friend start dating her, then getting him to propose while i hide in the bushes to see what she says
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snakes think they're too good for feet but they're not, feet are too good for them
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a membership rewards card but for sex, where if you do it 10 times without crying afterwards, on the 11th time you get to let the tears flow
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superman is a bitch. if i were vulnerable to kryptonite i would simply become not vulnerable to kryptonite
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working out really hard for 6 months to get ripped and then going back to eating 15 donuts a day, call that an out of dad bod experience
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hotel showers be like "here's milk n oatmeal honey papaya shampoo and ginger black tea blueberry mocha cinnamon raisin bagel lox n cream cheese conditioner" bitch i'm trying to wash myself not have breakfast
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harry potter and the time i ate ambien and ended up in my old high school's cafeteria at 3 am without pants
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hate not knowing whether a car is going to merge into my lane in front of me, they should invent some sort of signal for that
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if drivers are required to have "in case i hit a pedestrian" insurance in order to drive, shouldn't pedestrians be required to have "in case i get hit by a car" insurance in order to walk? hi, i'm max, and i'm running for city council
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you can say the fuck word literally whenever you want, it's not illegal unless someone hears you
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girls say they want a guy who's good with money but then act like they don't even care that i beat my 8-year-old nephew at monopoly 5 times in a row 🤔🤔
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commercial for airbags: "you're still gonna die, but all bouncy-like"
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calling a california roll sushi is like tossing a slim jim on the grill and calling it a steak
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like the computer scam in office space but it's me stealing a crumb from each cupcake at the bakery until i have myself a whole cupcake
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deep down in the earth's mantle, the magma kids play "the lava is floor"
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elephants fear mice because they evolved from mice and are terrified of being reminded of what they once were and what they may yet again become as the millenia wear on
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just matched with my wife on tinder, how could she do this to me
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wolves howl at the moon because it makes them horny but they can't fuck it
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bartender asked me what kinda beer i wanted and i said "surprise me" so he brought me a coors lite
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there should be a greeting card that says "congrats on the sex!" when someone you know has had sex for the first time
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pretty fucked up that the message of the little mermaid was that if a girl wants to get out of her father's shadow and find her own way in life she has to stop talking and latch onto a rich guy
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every kid who tabbed their binders in high school is how a middle manager at a bank
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insane that biggie and tupac killed each other over some beef. they were millionaires who easily could have gone to the supermarket and bought enough beef for the both of them. just silly
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if the plural of ox is oxen then the plural of ax is axen, no questions at this time
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i've never understood breastfeeding. why do breasts need to be fed
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a mechanic is like a doctor but for your car, not many people know this
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building a dating app called I'M A TOXIC PSYCHO WHO WILL CHEAT ON YOU AND MAKE YOUR LIFE HELL, could be good
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there's nothing like having sex with someone super hot to make you wake up from the dream and realize how alone you are
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it's crazy that shirts come with two arm-holes and a head-hole, and humans have 2 arms and a head...coincidence???
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dragons that hoard gold are idiots, like, we're not even on the gold standard anymore dumbass lmao
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language evolves, that's why why we say "nice to meet you" and not "[messy caveman grunting noises]"
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when my 2-year-old wakes me up by sitting on my head it's considered cute and funny but when i wake him up by sitting on his head the police are called. double standards
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parents be like "we'll name the baby paul so we can call him mr. pickles poopy pants for short" idiots, just name him mr. pickles poopy pants then
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why does the moon only come out at night, it should be comfortable with its sexuality and come out during the day too
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when austin powers is sad he's an international man of misery. thanks so much for your time
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@JohnDoe_Podunk
@TheKorTurn
he just explained exactly that, consider actually reading his posts
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if you take a shit on the sidewalk you'll get arrested but if you smear some shit on a white wall that's called modern art and a rich guy will give you $1.2 million for it, we really do live in a society
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jacking off is like playing sports: great when you do it alone, but so much more exciting with thousands of people watching
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@checkmatestate
@BernieSanders
just to be clear, there has never been a single piece of evidence to support this, anywhere, ever
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just finished 78% of million dollar baby and i'm really excited for maggie's blossoming boxing career
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