stringcheese zucker
@sophierzucker
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Following
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Media
367
Statuses
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comedian! @nymag comic to watch. writer for @thedailyshow & other stuff.
Brooklyn, NY
Joined August 2013
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Pinned Tweet
why is everyone getting married so young? dont u guys have anything better to do? like take drugs and go camping
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every night i turn to my boyfriend (who i live with) and go "do u wanna sleep over tonight" and he goes "yeah why not" and it's honestly healing all the scars i have from asking boys if they wanted to sleep over and them being like "um idk i have a lot of stuff to do tomorrow"
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i dont have any tweets for today. u guys are on ur own
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emisue
Historians Pretty Sure Two Women Who Lived and Were Buried Together Just Friends:
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should i post about every comedian who seems cool online but is actually awful in person jk
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getting veEry close to opening the document i need to open. very very close
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ariana grande falling in love w the one straight guy in the wicked cast is soooo musical theater girl of her. ariana come see shucked w me
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your ivy grows and now I'm covered in youuuuuuuuuu
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My friend’s parents don’t have the cultural context to know that she’s gay. They don’t understand why she wears keys on the side of her belt. They asked if she was a janitor
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can someone please tell me if im gonna get this part i auditioned for or not
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i think we as a society are too into chickpeas. that being said i am sO into chickpeas
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i am not “sleeping” on anything. I am aware of everything cool going on at all times. perhaps i am choosing not to participate but i am wide awake and privy to it
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Sue n Abby have a special connection for sure
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episode 6 of
@Dickinson
surprised dropped tonight! getting to film this was truly a highlight of my career. hope y’all enjoy the logical conclusion to Abby’s journey
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getting absolutely murdered in family quiplash when objectively i should be winning. this is the only example where the audience is in the wrong (they don’t like when I use swear words)
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i had an eating disorder therapist once who asked me to draw myself and when I did it she was like what do u think it means that u drew the body of a Child and I was like … it means I’m bad at drawing
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i love when Emily Dickinson Bot likes a picture of my titties
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im not posting best pictures of 2021 or whatever the fuck. if i have a nice picture i post it immediately. i post every single good photo i have right away. i have no chill and so there's nothing left for me to post
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i see the new dickinson stans are not yet accustomed to my way of tweeting. well buckle up i tweet stuff like i like cum and jews are the best
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my ssris are working in that instead of crying 7 days a week about nothing, i cry 3 days a week about something vaguely related to my career
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i only feel comfortable around one kind of person and it's pretty girls :/
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its New Years tomorrow and i am planning on looking very gorgeous and sexy
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if i have one piece of advice to give my future daughter, it’s this:
all the boys who dumped u, the drummers who cheated on u, the cinematographers who went on to date ur best friends - they will all go on to like instagram posts of ur body. they will like every single one
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people ask me how i get everything done. simple answer i do not
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lying about not having depression on all my medical forms xx
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my friend quit his job so he would have more time to be ethically non monogamous
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fun fact: i got a tattoo of a shawl when I got cast on
@Dickinson
because this little image was on all of our materials. I now know This is not a shawl. It’s a letter. And now I have a random ass tattoo of a shawl on my shoulder
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I AM NOT SAYING THAT I HATE WARREN
I AM SAYING ALL THE GIRLS I HATE ARE VOTING FOR WARREN
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🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈
ok listen.
turns out it didn’t happen but this did & there’s no way you can’t thank me for it.
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when i break up w someone i am not putting out some statement like 'still love u forever, rooting for u always.' im gonna be like
This. Girl. Is. The. Nastiest. Skank. Bitch. I. Have. Ever. Met. Do. Not. Trust. Her. She. Is. A. Fugly. Slut
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there is nothing like a Taylor swift bridge. Nothing
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ill never teach an acting class cause i dont want bitches to be as good as me
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me watching wandavision having never engaged with the marvel universe
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as soon as i'm verified it's* over** for*** you**** hoes*****
*i'm
**asking
***phoebe
****bridgers
*****out
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nevertheless, she persisted**
**managed to be stressed about her career in a time of total utter societal collapse
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hey followers i'm having a rlly bad day ☹️☹️☹️ if u could comment below with pictures of your cock that'd be sooooo appreciated xo
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happy monday episodes 1-3 of
@Dickinson
are out now!! i wrote this ep and when we filmed it we went to Starbucks in our costumes and no one even recognized us so ultimately it was a waste
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ok finally took meyers briggs test. anyone else get WHORE ?
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well yes as it should be
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Jewish American Princess to improv comedian to twitter socialist pipeline. Recognize that I’m an original
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most people would be surprised to know i shot these targets and also i did it when i was 15 years old
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someone stop me from wearing biker shorts a blazer and an ironic baseball cap in public, i swear to god i am close
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anyways pics from my day on set for ep 1!! which was best day of my life cause it was when i started my
@Dickinson
journey!!
#DickinsonAtHome
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when i explained to my boyfriend that a career in comedy means u have to keep putting yourself out there no matter what for the rest of your life, he said that sounded "fucking horrible." hmm good point
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well my little sister hosted a Tony’s party and accidentally watched last years Tony’s and didn’t realize till 2 hours in
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the DSA won 26/30 nationally endorsed races this week
Clyburn warns Dems that they won’t win the Georgia Senate runoffs if they “run on Medicare for All, defund the police, socialized medicine,” per
@heatherscope
&
@sarahnferris
, amid a broader reckoning among House Dems over several House losses this week.
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If I were a fruit id be a grape who loves to sing
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hi twitter i think i just fell in love can anyone get me her number
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my advice to younger girls who want a boyfriend is just age. When you’re 28 they’ll all be bald and they’ll want u
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i date guys who think anna kendrick is like REALLY hot
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it's my birthday AND my solo show AND my new probiotics are working. baruch hashem
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I’m embarrassed that me being delusional has gotten so many likes
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saddest thing to me is to watch a person re-brand in real time. nooooo i know who u actually are
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im getting more followers. well i'm fine with that
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Do not assume good intentions. I am a bisexual trickster
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someone in my house - not gonna name names - fucked me so hard this morning he forgot to breathe and now is lying down because he “feels faint”
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i made the nytimes sardine capers pasta at 4am last night when i was very fucked up, like some sort of manic pixie alison roman type
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u will not catch me saying im a comedian anywhere in interviews. that is humiliating and has to be inferred
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when spongebob and patrick were fighting in episodes... those were dark times
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as opposed to me who seems awful online but is actually cool in person
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i ran into my agent while i was eating at a restaurant alone, outside, drinking a gingerale and listening to a murder podcast. he said i looked beautiful
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if u must know I’m getting engaged this year and I hate camping ahahah but I stand by this
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im sorry that i havent listened to the new olivia rodrigo yet. i am too hungover today. be patient w me
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why is there never a girl on the bachelor who's like "i dont mind if my man sleeps with other women. that shit turns me on". get me that girl. i want to feel myself represented on screen
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watching a sex scene in very sweet lesbian indie while my boyfriend checks basketball stats on his phone. i love being bisexual and i love my one bedroom apartment
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i guess i don't understand why blowing the president RUINED monica lewinsky's life. if that happened to me i would immediately take to twitter and tweet like "i blew the president for real lmao" and get a million sponcon deals
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