Chris Murphy
@christress
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staff writer @vanityfair | good time girl, actress, comedienne | U.S Senator from Connecticut | he/him |
Joined August 2010
my bitterly divorced grandparents who do not speak to each other are now sharing the same nursing home and don't know it yet. it's giving hijinks its giving sitcom it's giving farse it's giving laugh track.
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and how much did each minion make? #minionunion.
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I’m a fucking genius.
If Katy Perry and Orlando Bloom name their baby Daisy then their child’s name will be Daisy Bloom and i think that would be powerful enough to end the virus.
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"We need a superhero that's" stop that. we're adults. we need universal health care and a 4 day work week.
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once i invent a beverage that makes you want to keep living between 3:15 and 4:48 pm it's over for you hoes.
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she said i may have lost Glinda but i am NOT losing Joni.
.@AmandaSeyfried brings out the dulcimer and sings a cover of @jonimitchell’s “California”! #FallonTonight
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I was interviewing Kirsten Dunst and she was like “i love your sweater. Where is it from?” And i was like i have no idea and then she walked over checked the tag and said “Wow, it’s Forever 21. You wear it like it’s a lot more expensive.”.
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me, locking in and getting ready for unprecedented levels of screen time over the next 48 hours
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god he's being suuuuuuuch a Carrie here.
Sex and the City Apartment Owner Confronts Tourists: ‘It’s Not Carrie’s, It’s Mine!’
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I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey.
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The Grammys don't matter except when people I like win and the performances are good so this year the Grammys actually matter a great deal.
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nothing but respect for MY EGOT winner Viola Davis who actually won every award for actually performing (not producing) which is way rarer than you think!! a true queen!.
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I couldn’t help but wonder… if Big could hold space for the lyrics of Defying Gravity, why couldn’t he hold space for me?
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Sobbing and screaming at my public defender boyfriend because he hasn’t used his fancy law degree to free britney yet.
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Good News: the 45 year old Italian man i had sex with on the beach in Fire Island last summer who instagrammed a photo of the moon with the caption “awesome night” after cumming inside of me and then ghosted me reacted to the tasteful nude i posted on close friends with “😍”.
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Dying two weeks before your massive 100th birthday celebration is, in its own way, darkly, perversely funny. RIP Betty White a truly hilarious queen until the bitter end. she got the last laugh.
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billie eilish is such a great natural singer it will be incredible when she discovers she has a chest voice and can also use that to produce sound and even sing notes.
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Every day i tutor a white, male child who is one time out away from becoming the Joker.
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this literally feels like the movies that we complain that we don't get anymore. funny irreverent rated R comedies for adults who aren't obsessed with Disney. also JLaw was always underrated as a comedic actress. plus a jimmy award winner. yeah i'm here for it!.
A girl's gotta 𝘥𝘰 what a girl’s gotta 𝘥𝘰. Jennifer Lawrence stars in #NoHardFeelings, coming exclusively to movie theaters this summer. Watch the red band trailer now!
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moments of collective cultural psychosis, ranked . 4. Zendaya is Meechee .3. Angela Bassett Did The Thing .2. Adele Dazeem .1. Holding Space for the Lyrics of Defying Gravity.
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sorry would prefer a "i love acting i want to be one of the greats" chalamet style speech to "i don't give a shit about this nothing about this matters" culkin-esque speech any day of the week! give me earnest give me theatrics baby!!!.
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currently thinking about the 29 and 32 year old couple who have advanced degrees in policy and business who earn about $250,000 a year and are almost $1 million in debt (over $100,000 of that being his credit card debt).
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every time i come across a Kelly Clarkson cover I am always like well of course this is going to be good because its Kelly but its always good it probably won't blow my mind and then i finally watch it and its always the best thing i've ever heard in my life. this is no exception.
Kelly Clarkson and Miranda Lambert cover “Good Luck, Babe!” by Chappell Roan.
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“I had a dream my life would be, so different from this hell I’m living” - a French prostitute in 1823 and also me rn.
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Not Belinda only having 12k in her checking account… girl the tariffs!!.
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Its not that i want to vote for Joe Biden its just that i dont want to. die? Does that make sense?.
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If Katy Perry and Orlando Bloom name their baby Daisy then their child’s name will be Daisy Bloom and i think that would be powerful enough to end the virus.
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Spending 10 dollars on one banana today in honor of Jessica Walter.
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Taylor Swift fully ignoring Celine Dion like the disrespect even Celine was like… que?
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Texting every white family i have ever tutored “Thanks so much for the Juneteenth tip” and then “Sorry! Meant to send that to another family!” just to see what happens/pay off my credit card bill.
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recession indicator.
Welcome back to the inimitable, original, Aaron Burr: Leslie Odom Jr! See him on Broadway September 9th - November 23rd.
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it's almost like if you produce too much. too fast. in a brazen attempt to completely saturate and dominate a market rather than having something important or even halfway interesting to say. the art suffers!.
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no like it's so crazy that our first American Idol has one of the best voices of all time like it really didn't have to work out that way we are so lucky Kelly Clarkson is the one thing America has ever unequivocally gotten right.
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“This place is baller… but dont trip…” zion’s lines on white lotus proving we need DEI now more than ever.
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Need Nathan Fielder to go down The Jennifer Hudson Show spirit tunnel more than I need air to breathe.
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i am choosing to believe that Ana De Armas and Ben Affleck breaking up means that quarantine will end soon because they started dating in March 2020. This is my groundhog's day.
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When Angel in Rent sang "times are shitty, but i'm pretty sure they can't get much worse" she honestly couldn't have been more incorrect.
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@addieyomind If you’re hot enough you can ghost me and stay on my close friends i am a modern woman i contain multitudes.
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i know the dancers almost went on strike and i am of course union strong but it's clear they could have used a lot more rehearsal because honey what is this.
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sick and tired of everyone ignoring that the best part of this phenomenal video is her use of the term "camp friend".
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@chrissyteigen I had a solo in the opening number of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade in 2005. I sang about my dad being in the army, but he never was a soldier he worked in business development 🙃
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ok so Olivia Wilde made a special salad for Harry Styles which upset her then husband Jason Sudeikis who was married to Kay Cannon who wrote and directed Cinderella which starred James Corden who was recently banned from Balthazar by restauranteur Keith McNally
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ok CBS just offered me 700K to develop this into a multi-cam with James Earl Jones and Phylicia Rashad tentatively attached.
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On second thought, Chaka Khan taping her lyrics to the back of her fan is, in fact, the eternal mood #ArethaHomegoing
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George Clooney’s first ever Broadway bio is surprisingly refreshing
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do people know that Chrishell Stause was engaged to Matthew Morrison right before he started Glee. i don't think they do and it feels important that they do.
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i honestly find this inspiring.
It's a brand new day!. CC profile page banner updated. We're carrying on as usual. 🫡
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alright i went back to CBS and renegotiated (they knew what i meant) but due to scheduling conflicts we're going with Danny Glover and Debbie Allen! Shooting on location and at SilverCup Studios <3 look out for Dentures and Divorces on CBS's fall lineup!.
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Carrie Coon monologue proving how amazing mike white’s writing can be when it’s not explicitly making the subtext text. Master class in writing and acting!!.
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I think crowning a Boq look alike and United Healthcare assassin look alike on the same weekend is a beautiful and fitting end to the look alike competitions. Congrats to the whole team. Went out with a bang. Time to close the chapter and turn the page.
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Yesterday, the 40 year old woman who lived next door to me died (RIP) while i was watching mare of easttown and now her apt is a crime scene and no one new what to do with her dog so i took him and am now coparenting him with one of my other neighbors and sort of want to keep him.
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they rescinded the offer after they realized i spelled "farce" wrong, but FOX is interested if we "take it in a different direction" and cast Clint Eastwood and Rosanne Barr. .
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overheard on fire island: "remind me to tell you i have really delicious tea about malala".
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one thing Emma Stone is gonna do is be at the scene of an Oscar surprise. Moonlight v La La Land. When she beat Lily Gladstone. Mikey Madison for Anora. when you see Emma at the Oscars expect chaos!.
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Club chalamet on the crime beat wow ive prayed for days like this.
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Now why do lukas gage and i look like we have been in a committed relationship for the past 6 years
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Need to fail upwards like this in 2025.
Timothée Chalamet and Elle Fanning, starstruck, are holding fingers upon discovering people are 'holding space' for them.
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I actually know for a fact that no one wanted to play with Taylor as a little kid because my friend grew up with her in Reading, PA and said one time when they were kids Taylor came over and hid her pet hermit crab in the freezer, effectively murdering it, and showed no remorse.
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I hope the world is ready for I Dont Think So Honey, Leaf Blowers!!!.
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my summoning circle blocking Jamie Lee Curtis supporting actress's nom worked. but i had to sacrifice Challenger's original score nom to cast the spell :( sometimes in life we have to make hard choices i hope you understand.
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I’m gonna say it based off of these commercials… Marketing, as an industry, is in a state of CRISIS.
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SNL getting rid of Chloe Troast right before we are entering an election season featuring Ella Emhoff… can’t make sense of it tbh.
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and just like that we blew through Princess Di weather (sweatshirt, bike shorts) into Brokeback Mountain weather (shearling denim jacket, ten gallon hat).
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it's liza but willing to accept arguments for carrie fisher, jane fonda, maya rudolph, and sofia coppola.
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Michaela Coel following *that man* and his aesthetic vibe show and delivering a perfect, succinct, gorgeous speech for her work of literal genius? couldn't have written it better myself!.
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i don't know who needs to hear this but a lot of you dress exactly like Portia to me and it must be said.
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have never been more proud to have dressed up as queen Rachel Zegler lightly dissociating during opening night of Romeo + Juliet for Halloween 6 months ago <3.
I hate gay halloween because what do you mean your Rachel Zegler as Juliet on opening night of Romeo and Juliet holding champagne while lightly dissociating
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obsessed with Gaga dressing like Charli XCX and then releasing an adult contemporary song with Bruno Mars in the same week. like go off girl keep us guessing!!.
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I want all the think pieces tomorrow! Let’s talk about how the queen of queerbaiting beat out an album dedicated to the POC LGBTQ community, and what that says about culture writ large! If you write it i will click on it and share! The discourse starts now!!!.
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i have seen the Wicked movie not once not twice but three separate times now and believe me when i say it is a complete and utter slay you will be gagged beyond belief everything you think the film looks like from your cracked iphones is wrong Cynthia and Ari truly are impeccable.
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What in the ever living FUCK is an All-White production of Hairspray and how can I see one before they are banned forever
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Neeed kendrick’s flaired hip hugging bell bottom jeans like yesterday… also his cunty lil black gloves.
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If i was gay first and you have the audacity to turn gay after me you are legally required to treat me with the level of respect and admiration that you reserve for your grandparents, foreign dignitaries, and favorite pop stars sorry i don’t make the rules i just enforce them.
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BTW his name is also Chris but couldnt figure out how to put that in the original tweet my life is a movie.
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Every white lady between the ages of 46 and 62 with two+ kids and the fear od God in their hearts take selfies like this:
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Why do 2 MIT grads think its impressive that they can tell me what my favorite wine is it’s not impresive my favorite wine is wine.
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Summer fun! 🏖❤️ (*private island all tested negative multiple times wear a mask ❤️)
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If i were Sabrina Carpenter and some girl sang “she’s so much older than me” in any song it would be on sight for life just saying.
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you want me to ride a peloton? you mean the thing that ****** ***.
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I will probably come to my senses and find a nice home for him his name is Jedi he’s very sweet and definitely confused easily and looks like William Howard Taft
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Abracadabra ! Old Gaga is OFFICIALLY back God BLESS her gay husband Michael there is some ANGELS in this CITY.
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it's not coffee, it's not water, it's not seltzer, its not juice, its not soda, its some mysterious 6th thing. .
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Like a phoenix out of Snow White's ash, Rachel Zegler's star is still on the rise—and burning brighter than ever
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Someone shouted out “We love you Rachel McAdams” DURING a scene while on OPENING NIGHT of her BROADWAY debut. Truly maybe worse than the woman who vomitted on herself during Merrily. Rachel was a champion bc shes an ACTRESS but we have a theatergoing epidemic if u suck stay home!.
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what is the most devastating line from a musical of all time and why is it "I think there's a time to come to New York and a time to leave. Enjoy your party".
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when i say something mean in a gc and no one immediately validates it
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not now.
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this is exactly the type of Upper West Side boy that I'd make $150 an hour teaching the pythagorean theorem to in 2017.
My boy on the PBS News stream was going crazy for Not Like Us
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No Kevin Spacey but SNL canceled montage actually funny and taking accountability and a testament to how quickly comedy changes and i loved it ?.
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