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Reductress

@Reductress

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The one and only fake women's news magazine. Shop, learn and listen to everything Reductress:

New York
Joined January 2013
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@Reductress
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2 years
Cute! Queen Elizabeth's Corgis Prepare to Be Buried Alive With Her:
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BREAKING: Man Makes Midlife Crisis Everybody's Problem:
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3 years
Jeff Bezos to Become First Amazon Worker To Get A Break:
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2 years
Wow! This Middle Aged Man Fell In Love With His Girlfriend on the Exact Day She Turned 18 and Not a Minute Earlier:
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3 years
Woman With BLM in Her Bio Unsure Where She Stands on Ethnic Cleansing in Palestine:
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3 years
Wow! This Woman Just Spent 40 Minutes Investigating a Twitter Beef Even Though She Has but One Life on God’s Green Earth:
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2 years
Nice! New Collar Delivers a Shock Every Time You Say, ‘They Did This on Glee’:
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3 years
Man Takes Break From Twitter After Developing Carpal Tunnel Criticizing Simone Biles:
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3 years
This Asian-American Woman Has Been Having a Year of Bad Days Without Committing Any Hate Crimes:
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4 years
Woman Without Twitter Account Having Pretty Good Day:
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3 years
Wow! This Woman Just Spent 40 Minutes Investigating A Twitter Beef Even Though She Has but One Life on God's Green Earth:
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2 years
How to Pass Off Your IBS Bathroom Trips as a Cool Coke Habit:
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6 years
Friend Who Texted ‘I’m Just Seeing This Now!’ Awarded Pulitzer Prize In Fiction:
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4 months
Diversity Win! Man in Woman-Dominated Movie Gets Oscar Nomination:
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2 years
They/Them Pronouns Suddenly Easy for Person Misgendering Trans Woman:
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2 years
Quadruple Threat! Barbra Streisand Has a Knife:
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3 years
URGENT: Cat Covering Eyes With Paw While Sleeping:
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1 year
Quadruple Threat! Barbra Streisand Has a Knife:
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6 years
Ready to Feel Old? Michelle From ‘Full House’ is Now Two People:
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2 years
I LIVED IT: I Had to Use One of the Big Spoons:
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11 months
Bisexual? Woman Excited to See Both 'Oppenheimer' and 'Barbie':
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1 month
Margot Robbie Excited to Announce She'll Be Producing the Live-Action 'Shitty Art Kit' Movie:
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1 year
Rihanna’s Fetus a Little Disappointed She Didn’t Play Disturbia:
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2 years
I Donated $15 to Nancy Pelosi and She Spent It on the Panera ‘You Pick Two’:
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3 years
Ted Cruz is Proof You Can Get Away With Anything if You're Ridiculously Hot:
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4 years
‘ACAB!’ Tweets Woman Who Identified as ‘Cuomosexual’ a Month Ago:
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4 years
Sad Day For Nation as Nation Experiences Another Sad Day in Endless String of Sad Days:
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2 years
How to Eat Mindfully by Pretending You’re That One Mouse With His Cracker From ‘The Aristocats’:
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3 years
Deadline Near Enough to Inspire Anxiety but Not Near Enough to Inspire Action:
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7 years
‘La La Land’ Spotted on Brisk Morning Hike in Chappaqua:
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4 years
Torn Nation Comes Together to Hate Baby:
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6 years
Yay! This Millennial Got Hit by a City Bus and Can Finally Pay Off Her Student Loans:
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2 years
Good for Her! Mercury Not in Retrograde but in New York With Pete Davidson:
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2 years
URGENT: Cat Covering Eyes With Paw While Sleeping:
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4 years
Trump Sons Wish They Were Close Enough With Father to Catch Coronavirus:
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3 years
Feel Old Yet? D.W. From Arthur Just Got Gay Divorced:
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2 years
Pregnancy Rumor? Queen Elizabeth Hasn’t Been Making Public Appearances:
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6 years
White Women Thank Themselves for Thanking Black Women Today:
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4 years
‘People Shouldn’t Get All Their News from Mainstream Media,’ Says Man Who Gets All of His News from Host of ‘Fear Factor’:
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1 year
Wow! This Woman Just Spent 40 Minutes Investigating A Twitter Beef Even Though She Has but One Life on God's Green Earth:
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4 years
5 Doc Marten Looks That Say, ‘I’m Attracted to All Women and Two Men’:
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3 years
Slay! This Private Prison is Woman-Owned:
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5 years
How to Not Start Smoking Even Though Phoebe Waller-Bridge Looks So Hot Doing It:
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2 years
Uh Oh! Friend Clearly Not the Victim in Drama Being Described:
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4 years
J.K. Rowling- Actually Never Mind I’m Sick of Talking About This Bitch:
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3 years
URGENT: Cat Covering Eyes With Paw While Sleeping:
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7 years
Tampax Introduces New Tampon That Screams When it’s Ready to Come Out:
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4 years
'It's Sort of Like Being in Prison,' Says Woman Eating Yogurt in Bed Who Also Has Voting Rights:
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2 years
REPORT: Fuck This Guy:
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2 years
Woman Has No Idea She Is the Reason Couple Can’t Use Her Name For Their Baby:
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6 years
Man Calls Girlfriend ‘Yanny’ During Sex, Swears He Said ‘Laurel’:
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11 months
Woman Puts on Three Layers of Sunscreen Before Going Outside to Smoke:
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3 years
CDC Announces It’s Safe to Start Texting ‘Hey, How’ve You Been?!’ to Your Friend With a Pool:
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2 months
REPORT: Happy Now, Freaks?:
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3 years
Trans Woman Would Actually Rather Be Safe Than Brave:
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3 years
Politicians Beg Kanye West to Stop Reminding Everyone Stadiums Can House People:
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3 months
Bisexual Admits Being a Senator Was Just a Phase:
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5 years
QUIZ: Are You Even Good Enough to Have Imposter Syndrome?:
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4 years
QUIZ: Is This Phoebe Waller-Bridge, Phoebe Bridgers, or a Feeble Bridge?:
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2 years
Pregnancy Rumor? Queen Elizabeth Hasn’t Been Making Public Appearances:
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5 years
Get Him To Notice You By Being A Small Clump Of Cells In A Uterus:
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4 years
Younger Sibling Gets To Do Whatever They Want:
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1 year
Ally? This Straight Guy Likes to Gossip:
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Straight Pride? New York Engulfed in Sepia Filter:
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I LIVED IT: I Was More Attracted to Stanley Tucci Than Penn Badgley When Re-watching ‘Easy A' as an Adult:
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2 years
Why I Hired an Intimacy Coordinator to Supervise My Interactions With the Cashier at Trader Joe’s:
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5 years
Wow! When This Woman Couldn’t Afford Her Insulin, Her Whole Town Chipped in for Her Funeral:
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2 years
Running Shorts Purchased in Eighth Grade Still Regular Part of Summer Clothing Rotation:
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Why I Stopped Saying 'Sorry' and Started Saying 'That's That Me Espresso':
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How to Love Her Even Though She's Not in Boygenius:
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Mom Has No Memory of That Traumatic Childhood Event:
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Nice! This Woman Bought Something With Cash So It Was Free:
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7 months
A24 Announces They’re Done With the Emo Shit, Finally Rich Enough to Fund a Movie With Big Explosion:
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2 years
‘I Deserve a Little Treat,’ Says Woman Who Has Never Denied Herself Anything:
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1 month
Woman Doing Her Best to Like New Taylor Swift Album Lest She Face the Consequences:
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11 months
Trans Icon: This Cisgender Man is Short:
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4 years
Touching! This Cop Gave Someone a Hug While His Coworkers Opened Fire Behind Him:
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‘Ugh, Typical Straight White Man,’ Says Typical Straight White Woman:
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Brave: Another White Person Comes Out as Stinky:
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How to Trust Men Even Though One Direction Said They Were Just Taking a Hiatus:
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4 years
URGENT: Cat Covering Eyes With Paw While Sleeping:
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4 years
Terrified Nation Watches Helplessly as On-And-Off Couple Gets Dog:
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4 years
Nancy Pelosi Pledges to Tweet Something Really Bitchy if Trump Tries to Steal the Election:
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‘All Are Welcome Here,’ Says Sign in Neighborhood Where Average Home Costs $2 Million:
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7 years
Cute Braids That Will Fool People into Thinking You’ve Never Had Anal:
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1 year
House of Representatives Agrees to 'Just Do a Silly One' for 13th Speaker Vote:
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Child Labor? Boss Asking You to Do Work Even Though You’re Only 26:
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'Sorry I'm So Out of It,' Says Woman Who is Literally Always Like This:
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‘I Should Go to More Concerts,’ Says Woman Who Doesn’t Have Furniture:
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Man Who Thinks Drag Queens Are Groomers Asking 7-Year-Old Niece if She Has a Boyfriend:
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Frank Ocean Fan Depressed and Disappointed for New Reason:
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2 years
Diversity Win! England Has a Boy Queen Now:
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8 months
Why I Hired an Intimacy Coordinator to Supervise My Interactions With the Cashier at Trader Joe’s:
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4 years
Ass That Will Not Quit Fired for Trying to Unionize:
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Cool Song Restarted Before Friend Gets in Car:
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Woman Cozily Cupping Mug Secretly Thinking About Getting Absolutely Railed by Rachel Weisz:
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6 years
‘Sorry, I’m So Bad at Texting,’ Says Friend Who Is Actually Bad at Friendship:
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8 months
Woman Dates Such a Horrible Guy That an NFL Player Looks Like Good Idea in Comparison:
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‘Sorry, I Thought I Had Responded!’ Says Woman Who Has Thought About Responding Every Day for a Month:
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