“nothing from my end, thanks!”

applying to a job at @vuoriclothing this has to work

I “like” content from my favorite accounts even if I don’t actually enjoy it as a sacrifice to the Algorithm God so that he one day grants me permission to see my beloved friends, family, and memeslords again.

Oh so it's fine when you call my cats "fur babies" but when i call your kids "skin pets" there's a problem?

Just caught myself singing karma is my boyfriend but changing karma to trauma. thank you, subconscious I’m already aware

I just feel like I should tweet one last time while Twitter still exists

you could publish a recipe for a banana and the first comment would be "can I make this without the banana???"

[in a creepy haunted mansion with all my friends] for safety, let’s go exploring in groups of two. everyone pair up with the character you have the most conflict with

is a gif a really short movie or a really long photograph

https://t.co/3yulBSktu1

i'm sorry, if you see the word "coyote" and your brain doesn't immediately go, "coy-oat!" You're lying.

You’re Michael Barbaro and here’s what I need to WHAT?

What they actually say: "Due to browser inactivity, you've been signed out of your bank account." What it feels like: "Well, well. Look who it is! We cleaned up your mess AGAIN, you joke of an adult. You silly little hacking hazard. Enjoy looking for your password again, idiot."

Not me actually wiping tears away when Meadow and AJ hug. #sopranos #SilveradoEV

Oh damn, your diet is plant based? So are these frozen tater tots my mom just microwaved for me, chill out.

Imagine sending someone an email this week and still thinking you are a good person.

You know who gets it? Phil Collins.

the way @simplehuman rly put their whole pussy into designing sleek and effortlessly efficient trash can solutions...

Raise your asshole if you fisted some turkeys hand today