Maddy Smith
@somaddysmith
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Pinned Tweet
my new pod Mad House dropped today. 2 episodes! Available everywhere 🤬🏡
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Not to brag but I bought a bunch of crypto in October to impress a guy and now I’m down $10k and he’s engaged
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Remembering the time I purposefully left earrings at a guy’s place and he was like “I’ll leave them w the doorman”
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Told a guy I had body dysmorphia and he said “I love sci fi”
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Got my second dose!!! Ready to be a sluuuuutttttttttttttttt this summer sorry to my boyfriend of 3 years
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Us: can I have a Covid test?
CDC: I don’t know, CAN you?
Us: ok may I have a Covid test?
CDC: nah
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I dont wanna be dramatic but ... what r we all doing lol
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Really hard to date ppl now that I live alone, one tiny red flag and I’m like “why would I add u to my life? I have a Dyson”
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I love the word whistleblower. It’s so whimsical. Toot toot! Oye gatha round children - the guvunment is c’rupt I say!
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It’s crazy how the states with absolutely nothing to do are protesting for their rights to do stuff
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u can vape in restaurants all u have to do is blow the smoke over ur meal so the food looks piping hot. did it yesterday w a ceaser salad.
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My boyfriend complained about me on his podcast so I gave it a 1-star review. That seems fair right
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People with rich parents love to pretend like their life is a mess
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Before I was on lexapro I was like “omg everyone hates me”. Now they still do I just can’t feel it
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cons of drinking:
- weight gain
- hangovers
- bad decisions
- kills brain cells
- saying stupid things
- texting ur ex
- crying in public
pros:
- feeling happy for an hour
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I love how all of the Kardashians look alike but not because of genetics
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“oh ur parents are divorced u get 2 xmases” nah these bitches split the budget exactly evenly it’s 1 Christmas just in 2 apartments 20 miles apart
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Soft announcement that I’m now single hard announcement I will not fuck any of u
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I am REALLY really nice to my boyfriend in the 36 hour window before he goes to therapy
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u ever sit in bed with a towel and watch urself go from 5 to 30 min late then just decide to quit your job
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Quarantine has given me a ton of time to take everything personally
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idk why everyone says habits are hard to maintain i started vaping in January and haven’t missed a day. maybe im just built different.
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I’ve been in quarantine 25 days and ppl r still out n about. Life feels like a group project and I’m the only one doing the work
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gynecologist: how many sexual partners have u had?
me: 👀
gynecologist: 👀
me: 👀
gynecologist: 👀
me: four
gynecologist: ok great
me: ty-seven
gynecologist: 👀
me: 👀
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my boyfriend and i tried role playing but we both wanted to be the pizza guy so we just ended up fighting over who’s taking the weekend shift
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Gonna start commenting “I love how awkward you are!” on hot ppls pics
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when your Halloween post ends up on the side of Twitter where people u don’t know go the hell offfffffffffff 👏👏👏 yessssss ouchhhhhhhh hurt me
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im in Wilmington NC this weekend!!! There’s a military ball in my hotel and it smells like Axe body spray. See u out there!!
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Posted a TikTok about dating someone 6 years older than i am and the comments said he’s grooming me 🤣🤣🤣 I need a vacation
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Ppl say social media makes ppl hate themselves but not me!! I scroll through my own Instagram and I’m like “damn I’m awesome”
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i would have sex w a guy if he paid off my student loans. i would never sleep my way to the top but would for sure sleep my way to break even
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Every guy has tried on a magnum condom once in his life just to check
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wtf
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dad at 27: two kids, homeowner, large amount of savings
me at 26: forgetting im actually 27
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my friend has a sugar daddy but i wanna be a sugar daughter and pay a middle aged man $1000 a week to teach me how to throw a football and parallel park and say things like “hi hungry, nice to meet u” when i tell him im hungry
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i thought it was abt me
did Drake and Lil Yachty send a shot at Bobbi in their new song
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i would never remember to end racism if the football fields didn’t have it displayed so prominently. thank u NFL for the reminder!!!!!
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If u aren’t married, when u turn 30 u should be allowed to start a registry for household items
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this was actually a W for me I wasn’t ready to settle down and i learned a lot from the experience
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Guys will DM me on insta “I bet I can take u from ur bf” and I’ll go to their profile and it’s a high schooler on house arrest
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been smokin a lot of weed. sure my productivity levels are at an all time low, but it's a good trade off because I spend most of my time wondering who hates me and why!!!
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I would too if I was a Scientologist
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i got heckled last night and a massive black dude stood up and threatened the heckler with a chair. i love my fans!!!!!
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Cops are beating the shit out of people and the news is still talking about the looting
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Where were u during the swine flu pandemic? I think I was attending high school at full capacity
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one time last year i was hammered and added myself to my high school Wikipedia page’s notable alumni section. Lol! anywho, i just checked the page and someone removed the entry :)
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council: she accused u of sexual assault
kavanaugh: NOT TRUE I GOT GOOD GRADES
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my new years resolution is to lose enough weight to fit into my clothes from Monday
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it’s odd when ppl cancel plans cuz of the weather. im from buffalo so ill drive thru a blizzard to give a handy
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My mom will be like u need to eat n I’m like but u taught me not to
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u wouldn’t believe how much weed i stuffed in my pussy to get back to nyc today. i drove i just like how it feels.
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my favorite sex position is the one where i kneel in front of him, open my mouth, and he feeds me Olive Garden breadsticks
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My mom posted a FB status “Coney Island to reopen on Friday. Hot dawg!” and someone commented “Favorite ride?” and she commented back “Never been.”
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Panera cashier: “our special tonight is bread inside bread with a side of bread. that comes with bread. did you want to add bread for only $1? i am also required to tell u that i am made of bread.”
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dating is exciting bc on the way to a first date ur like wow this could either be a waste of two hours or 1.5 years
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I will be in LA in one month!!!!!!!!!! I’m an LA 10 and a NYC 10 because I’m on lexapro and everywhere I go I’m a 10 now!!!
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The CDC just said no more blow jobs you heard it here first
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my pussys so tight he can’t escape. it’s a real snatch-22
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just hit 200k on Instagram. I haven’t seen my family in 4 years and I owe $20,000 to the IRS but it’s worth it to see my grind pay off in massive ways. oh and I’ve also lost my ability to read. maddy to the moon.
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Guys are like here’s my 6 in 1 shampoo, conditioner, soap, anti depressants, cum, and soda
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If you feel weird about what to say or post right now I always go back to this - no one is thinking about you. Hope that helps!
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had sex w a dude who couldn’t stay hard so i asked him to explain reddit and IPAs to me which helped
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massage guy asked if i had any areas that need focus and i panicked and told him my clit
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in las Vegas for the first time so far everyone’s pretty ugly
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if instagram models post thirst traps of them getting vaccinated, does that make them influenzers?
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found my doppelgänger unfortch
My biggest flex is my dad loves me so much he got me a road lol
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Sometimes I’m like “wait is this tweet gonna get me canceled” and then it gets 4 likes
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Can someone write a think piece on how Covid is eating into the tiny window I have left to build a career before it’s too late for me to have a baby
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sometimes show business is great and other times u land in a city w a voicemail from ur manager saying the club ur going to owes $60k to comedians but we shouldn’t worry because the owner is liquidating funds from a bowling alley to pay u :)
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Im 28 and my boyfriend is 34 so technically I’m dating a younger man
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Got invited to my first threesome last night after a show and I declined because I had indigestion
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no one has ever jizzed on my face and now im saving it like a blue shell in mario kart
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the more I do comedy the more I grow suspicious of phrases like "the other day" and "I was having sex with my girlfriend"
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If I learned anything this pandemic it’s that I have depression and I’m not good at funny little videos
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my bf wants to go on vacation this summer but im nervous because hes rly bad at taking photos :/
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him: hey would u want to drink beer and watch the game with me and my friends this weekend?
me: oh sorry i would but i have a boyfriend!
him: i am your boyfriend
me: fuck
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I was rejected from the women in comedy festival so I started one called Here are Some More Women in Comedy Festival
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just left the house because I couldn’t tolerate the way my mother eats Greek yogurt. pack it up boys Christmas is over.
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Did I gain a little weight recently? Yes. Do I care? Yes. But will I let it affect my emotions, self worth and confidence? Yes.
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my friend told me to treat dating like a job so i left someone after a week and stole all of his toilet paper and office supplies
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We’ve all looked at the Wikipedia page of someone whose success intimidates us, saw that person was raised wealthy and thought “oh lol doesn’t count”
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guys will be like “I love how tight ur pussy is” then u get in a fight and he’s like “and btw ur pussy is too tight. like i almost got stuck inside. not cool.”
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Anyone have tips for getting through the 9 am to midnight slump??
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