patrick wells
@pwells
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big hot strong man with big arm muscle
Joined July 2011
There should be an NFL player whose gimmick is he screams in agony every time he's tackled and you don't know if he's gonna make it or not. That would be exciting for the audience
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ask not what your country can do for you ask how you can put 37 trillion dollars on your personal credit card
you can venmo the United States to help pay off the national debt
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Too many em dashes? What’s next? too much love? too much joy?
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gonna extract some dna and make myself an oops all lincolns jurassic park
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At the end of a movie I read every credit out loud and say "thank you"
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😂😂😂who up charming th— (remembering I am 34 years old) There are mysteries beneath our feet…
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At the dentist and they’re telling me they’re gonna kill me. They said they’re about to completely end my shit
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see? i told you guys this would work
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my baby
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corey
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pretending to be asleep in the back of a late night uber so my driver has to carry me inside and tuck me in
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biologist here! that crocodile is actually drowning if you jump in and save its life, it will owe you a “crocodile life debt” and will come to your aid whenever you need
Crocodiles in Indonesia have learned to “pretend to drown” in order to lure humans in to the water to eat them 🤯🐊
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for my fantasy football punishment i have to devote myself to weaving joy into the fabric of the world and scatter kindness like petals to the wind
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(Realizing i zoned out for 15 years and have a family now without noticing) (Realizing I never committed my beautiful child's name to memory) You - (forgetting if we have hogs or not but going with my gut feeling) Feed them hogs
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[Guest lecturing at Harvard] Me: Mars bar is a girl... Snickers is a boy. Twix is one of each Student: what about m&ms? Me: (visibly erect) it depends on the colour.
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