old jumpers
@oldjumpers
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Statuses
2,337
stand-up comedian and comedy writer floating through a master’s in history
hampstead
Joined August 2018
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In 1866, Liechtenstein sent an army of 80 men to fight in the Austro-Prussian war. They returned with 81, having made an Italian friend along the way and suffered no casualties.
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.
@Jacob_Rees_Mogg
says it's "only Central London that wants to stop Brexit."
RT if you disagree!
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In the 1970s homosexuality was described as an illness in Sweden. Swedes [of all sexualities] protested by calling in sick to work because they felt gay
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You can tell a lot about a person by the way they react to this sort of thing. Farage has a mini breakdown. Ed Miliband...
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Sarah Ferguson says Prince Andrew is kind. Kind? He’s more than kind. He gave £12m to a woman he'd never met for something he never did.
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155 people died today and that number wasn't mentioned once during the daily briefing from no. 10
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[Job Interview]
“How do you perform under pressure?”
“I usually do Freddie’s bit and my mate Jack does Bowie’s part”
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first they came for rishi sunak. and i held the door open and pointed at rishi sunak
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A woman in Kyiv knocked down a £2 million Russian drone from a balcony with a jar of cucumbers. How can you occupy a country that has weaponised cucumbers?
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I replied “twat” to a Jacob Rees-Mogg tweet three years ago and it’s incredible he’s still tweeting shit
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I don’t think the problem is that Charlotte Owen is 29. It’s that, from the outside, her CV isn’t much better than mine (and I’m 23). She’s as undeserving of a life peerage as I am.
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Yeah sex is great but have you ever plugged a USB cable in right way up *without looking* on the first try?
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As of today, irrespective of the charge, defendants can either plead “guilty”, “not guilty” or “Sue Gray”.
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Boris Johnson could be photographed inappropriately touching an aide whilst dressed as a Nazi and drinking prosecco from an Old Etonian mug that reads "fuck the poor" and senior Tories will still line up to defend him on Breakfast TV because nothing matters anymore.
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Stay at home. Over 15 million of you managed to the last time we were asked to vote.
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Can I recommend the University of Kent for anyone who wants to study abroad? Good weather and you'll get used to the accents
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35
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We joined the EU as the sick man of Europe, we're leaving as the thick man of Europe.
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under the duvet: too hot and uncomfortably sweaty.
no duvet: too cold, vulnerable to ghosts and monsters.
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All 750,000 Germans turning 18 this year get €200 to spend on any cultural activities: concerts, theatre, films, musical instruments, books… It'll cost €100 million, given in recognition of what young people lost during pandemic.
Brilliant idea!
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Anybody else think it’s ironic we've had two unelected Prime Ministers since we decided the EU wasn't democratic enough for us to stay?
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Priti Patel's father stood for UKIP in Hertfordshire's local elections. It's probably safe to say that her father would deport himself if she didn't.
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Brexit-backing George Eustice is suggesting a “reciprocal youth mobility visa scheme” for under 35s.
More or less the same as the thing he voted to take away from young people.
Brexit has failed and this is their way of admitting it.
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Sticking my neck out here but I think that tipping refugees into the Mediterranean is worse than tipping a statue into the dock.
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Hard to narrow it down but I think I'll mainly remember 2022 as the year I put insoles in 3 pairs of shoes so I don't have to keep taking my insole in and out of shoes. I wasn’t sure if it was the right call but I’m proud to say I’ve never looked back. Happy new year everybody!
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Two photos of two very different prime ministers. Sunak and Danish PM Mette Frederiksen.
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nothing says "i respect churchill" like a nazi salute at the cenotaph
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Jacob Rees-Mogg - it's "only Central London that wants to stop
#Brexit
."
on
#LBC
RT if you disagree !
#PeoplesVote
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Brexit has been 37 months of watching someone trying to haggle on prices with the automatic scanning machine at a supermarket checkout.
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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.
The Englishman wanted to go so they all had to.
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The people who say "We just need to get on with Brexit" are the same people who sound their horns in a traffic jam.
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We all know the saying “you’ve been Romanian pizzaed you absolute prick”
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0
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Ask any country “what are you doing in 5 days’ time?”
Sweden: “Same old, same old”
Germany: “Business as usual”
Belgium: “Same, but with waffles”
Norway: "Same old, but cold"
Japan: “Normal country stuff”
UK: “No clue”
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“I am here to warn you that free trade is being choked,” says
@BorisJohnson
. You know... the man who has taken the UK out of the world’s biggest free trade zone.
Satire is dead.
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edward colston was not involved in the slave trade. he was having trouble seeing so took the 3,057-mile journey to the west coast of africa to test his eyesight.
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trump said his life was much better before he became president. at last, we have something in common
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First book released without a spine, confirm publishers.
We are pleased to announce that
@WmCollinsBooks
– an imprint of HarperCollins UK – will publish former Prime Minister David Cameron’s autobiography this autumn. FOR THE RECORD will be released on Thursday 19th September, in hardback, ebook and audio.
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'Boris Johnson' is an anagram of 'Boorish Snob'. It's not, obviously. But he doesn't give a shit about the truth either.
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If Boris Johnson didn't say so many stupid things, people would notice how often Jeremy Hunt does.
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What if - and bear with me here - leaving the world's largest free trade zone wasn't worth it for a blue passport?
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People actually voted for Matt Hancock, Priti Patel and Dominic Raab.
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Constituents of Uxbridge and South Ruislip probably shocked to find Boris Johnson was still their MP.
Boris Johnson (Con, Uxbridge and South Ruislip) has resigned as an MP.
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Dominic Cummings spotted driving to Durham to test his hindsight.
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If you had to choose one politician to disappear which one would would it be, and why Boris Johnson?
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Asked why food prices are rising, the CEO of Sainsbury's replied: "Brexit".
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when can we start referring to the nazi-saluting blokes wearing "white lives matter" t-shirts as racists?
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I don't care what Boris Johnson says, I'm not exercising every day.
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No idea whether Chris Whitty is talking about Omicron or the Prime Minister: "There are several things we don't know, but all the things that we do know, are bad."
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Auf wiedersehen, Europe. So many of us love you. And that will not change.
#GeneralElection
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If you're unfortunate enough to be canvassed by a
@conservative
, make sure you keep them talking. Then say you're voting for a pro-Remain party. It'd be a shame not to waste their time.
8
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242
If you doubly want to get Brexit done, put a cross in the box of both the
@Conservatives
and
@brexitparty_uk
. Nothing says fuck you to Brussels quite like a vote for both.
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247
British efficiency: the government replaced a fully functioning digital voting system which takes 15 minutes to vote, and allows all MPs to participate, with a queue taking 45mins to vote, in which only two-thirds of MPs can participate.
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Boris Johnson could be photographed inappropriately touching an aide whilst dressed as a Nazi and drinking prosecco from an Old Etonian mug that reads "fuck the poor" and junior ministers will still line up to defend him on Breakfast TV because nothing matters anymore.
10
34
241
Laurence Fox forging a successful career out of not being able to have a career is inspiring me to work out how I can do the same just without being a twat.
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congratulations to those who have taken away the rights of people [particularly underprivileged young people] to travel, work, love, and live in some of the safest, most beautiful, most prosperous countries on earth
5
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Winston Churchill: "You can always count on Americans to do the right thing after exhausting all the alternatives”
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And others had the vegan casserole
Prince Harry had a frostbitten penis at Prince William and Kate Middleton's wedding
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Great opportunity for some tactical voting in the three by-elections this Thursday:
• Selby and Ainsty - Labour
• Uxbridge and South Ruislip - Labour
• Somerton and Frome - Lib Dem
Let’s send a strong message to our corrupt, immoral government!
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Suella Braverman is an anagram of 'very bad Home Secretary'. It isn’t, obviously, but she doesn't give a fuck about the truth either.
3
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84% of Daily Express readers said flying the EU flag on or after
#BrexitDay
upset them.
Please be sensitive.
#ILoveEU
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The government is suggesting that we wear face masks on public transport [starting 15 June] to stop something called 'coronavirus' from spreading. I hope it isn't serious.
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Cummings never stopped off to get petrol? I want whatever car he has.
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"good sized bed, but the breakfast was cold"
would you stay here again? "no, definitely not"
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Not long until Susie Dent brings down the government with her word of the day tweets.
Word of the day is 'eye-servant' (16th century): one who only works properly or follows the rules when they are being observed.
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It's unfair that Dominic Raab has suffered for simply trying to get things done. And it’s also unfair to point out that during his 7 years as a Minister he got absolutely nothing helpful done.
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Almost three weeks with no news of Jacob Rees-Mogg. What did we do to deserve this?
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remember when twitter was people saying "just had some soup i fucking love soup what’s everyone’s favourite soup?" now it’s all marxists, masks, and fascists and nobody’s talking about soup
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Typos is a tiny Greek island where inhabitants are pretty bad at texting
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In under a week Putin has ended Swedish neutrality, provoked Switzerland to enforce economic sanctions, plunged the rouble to an all-time low, forced Russia's Central Bank to double interest rates, suspended trading on the Moscow Exchange, and made Zelensky a national hero.
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What's the point of MPs who can be whipped to vote for something and then whipped to vote against it? If all you do is walk through the lobby and sit down you could easily be replaced with a moderately intelligent Cocker Spaniel.
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My new password is PotterWeasleyGrangerMalfoyDumbledoreSnapeLongbottomVoldemortLondon because it needs to contain eight characters and a capital.
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Simple, bad government.
Please can someone explain to me why, when you land in Rome, there is a swift and well organised COVID test, with the result given 30 minutes later, yet we don’t have this in the UK?
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No. 10 source says Dominic Cummings took Carrie's favourite mug out of spite.
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The only problem with Zelensky is that he has set the bar for Jewish-Ukranian former comedians-turned-presidents incredibly high.
7
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223
Why am I not seeing interviews with
@jeremycorbyn
’s uncle or
@joswinson
’s granny? Is
@borisjohnson
’s father just cheaper to book?
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213
we went from clap for carers to clamp for carers real quick
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How can Carrie Symonds, who only tweets about PETA, monkey and donkey labour, whaling, environmental and marine conservation, and adopting rescue dogs, like Boris Johnson?
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The feeling of spotting spelling mistakes in someone’s excruciatingly smug tweets is phenomenal. Not going to point them out, but just knowing that I can is enough excitement for me.
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Can’t quite separate the blunt refusal to consider the pay demands of NHS staff from the enthusiasm with which vast sums of money was handed over to Tory mates and donors for PPE they had no record of supplying.
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Life hack: inherit lots of money. Some people don't do this and it's a schoolboy error.
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Everyone who received the smallpox vaccine in 1796 has died. Maybe anti-vaxxers are on to something.
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Give a duck some bread and he eats for a day. Teach a duck to speak, get a little suit, and a midlevel job in the City, he'll eat for a lifetime.
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Parliament is currently doing a first-rate job of demonstrating why it's probably best to be ruled by a bunch of unelected bureaucrats from Belgium
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.
@Nigel_Farage
- 'There is no great public demand for a second referendum, there really isn't.'
on
#LBC
RT if you disagree !
#PeoplesVote
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I never thought I'd feel sorry for Boris Johnson. And I was right.
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This decision to split from the party has not been taken lightly. Labour has isolated people like
@chukaumunna
and
@lucianaberger
since 2015. These MPs speak for a large section of Labour.
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Starmer: 'Prime Minister, if you actually listen to the question, we might get on better'
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