martin kelner
@martinkelner
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Following
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On TalkSport, 1 - 6am, Sat & Sun Talking to insomniacs, Malaysians, & elderly gentlemen who combine prostate issues with ownership of a digital radio.
Royal borough of wakefield, UK
Joined January 2009
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SEVENTEEN
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Pinned Tweet
Latest update from Liz on who’s to blame for her disastrous Premiership: Office for Budget Responsibility, the World Bank, Rishi Sunak, Sting, the Thompson Twins (both the group & out of Tin Tin), Shirley Bassey, & both Brian Coxes
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Can’t help feeling Enid Blyton has lost touch with her core audience
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I always wait for Gary before I decide on any political issue. But situation so grave now, I need to know the thoughts of Kevin Sheedy, Ian Snodin, & other members of the 1985 Everton squad before making up my mind.
Yep, get on with ‘it’...whatever the ‘it’ is...regardless of how bad the ‘it’ will be. 👍🏻
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Not to disrespect achievement of the Lionesses, undoubtedly team of the year. But Ben Stokes is clearly
#SPOTY
, going from where he was to where he is. But the BBC wouldn’t dare.
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If ITV had a shred of patriotism they’d hand extra time over to the BBC
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Hey, here’s an idea. Let’s not boo the Italian anthem tomorrow. It achieves nothing. It doesn’t upset the opposition. It just makes us look shitty. Let’s be classy for once
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Deputy PM Dominic Raab says the Government’s about to join the war on drugs. Given the incompetence with which they’ve handled everything else - the pandemic, levelling up etc - I’m backing drugs.
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Blimey, nearly forgot. Hans Christian Andersen, Sandi Toksvig, Le Manneken Pis, Lars Von Trier, Brigitte Nielsen, Aqua, your boys….
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Impressed with all the pics of people with the late great Pele. I never met Pele, so here’s one of me with Carlton Cole
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The nuttiest thing you’ll see today. Not entirely sure why she’s wearing sexy retro Hibs kit
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Here we go, the story of my sacking from BBC Leeds, & a plausible plan for local radio's future
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Hello Wales. We're not too worried in England. We're more of a rugby nation.
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Some say England should boycott
#FIFAWorldCup
in Russia to protest spy poisoning. Compromise suggestion: we’ll go, but not stay any longer than quarter finals.
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Apologies. I know many of you are expecting me to mark Ken Bruce's last day at Radio Two with a photo of me and Carlton Cole, but unfortunately I don't have one available at the moment. So sorry.
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House Of Games, love it, love it, love it. It’s like Only Connect for idiots.
Repeats of ‘House Of Games’ about to start on BBC2. 100 new episodes coming reeeeeeal soon too!
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I'm sorry
@Channel4
but Celebrity Gogglebox can fuck right off. I think I speak for the nation when I say we're not interested in what Stanley Johnson, Little Mix, and Nick Bloody Grimshaw have to say about TV, we want to see Jenny & Lee in their static caravan in Hull.
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Burt Bacharach was undoubtedly one of the greatest songwriters of all time, bridging the gap between the great American songbook & the golden era of pop music, a true genius. Sadly, I never met him so here’s a picture of me with West Ham legend Carlton Cole.
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Paul McCartney tweeted that Aretha was ‘queen of our souls.’ Presenters on news channels reading it v slowly & carefully
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Just visited Picasso Museum in Barcelona. What people often forget about Picasso is that he did some fantastic fridge magnets
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And well done
@BethRigby
@skynews
, saying 'There's Michael Fabricant,' without adding 'Fuck me, look at the state of that.'
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Interviewed Rodney Bewes when he was in a touring production of 3 Men In A Boat 10 yrs ago. Hilarious & a proper gent. As a tribute, I’m going to try & avoid the scores all day on Saturday
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Eamonn Holmes, Mick Huck….oh fuck it, I can’t be bothered
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It's like those French have a word for everything. Thanks Philip Townley
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Betty Boothroyd came from Dewsbury & often used to be on my show when I did a politics programme on Radio Leeds. Unfortunately, that was before camera phones……so here’s a picture of me with West Ham legend Carlton Cole
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This is a scandal. Lineker is one of the jewels in the BBC’s crown. A confected row. As Dazn, Viaplay, & Apple prepare to stream EFL, this is going to cost BBC more than Gary
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With each year that passes, Mick Hucknall looks more like Charlie Drake (one for the teenagers)
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Three weeks ago I went on a speed awareness course at the Cedar Court Hotel, Wakefield. I had a swift half a Guinness at the bar, then joined a bunch of other speeders in a conference room where we talked for four hours about stopping distances. That now seems like a great day
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I’ve never appeared on MOTD & there was never any chance I would. But just to be safe, and in solidarity with Gary I’m ruling myself out. I am still available for Say Yes To The Dress on Quest Red though
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Lovely when your family can be bothered to put an obit in the local paper for you...
#belovedcunt
#curbyourenthusiasm
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We all know Marcus Rashford was
#SPOTY2020
. BBC took him off list because it would have appeared to be criticism of Government if he’d got it & Beeb frightened of all the flak. Cowards
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Message to British Transport Police: Train manager on 13.03 London - Leeds said get in touch if we see anything 'that doesn't look right'. Well, I'll tell you what doesn't look right - people who've paid 100-odd quid for a ticket, especially those with kids, standing for 2 hours
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Fiona Bruce is trying to get a sensible answer out of Diane Abbott. I’m trying to nail jelly to the ceiling
#bbcqt
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Over 2 million signatures on petition to get 1st half played again
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Let's have respect for 'this centre court crowd.' They'll be going home after match to pick our new Prime Minister
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Went to see a subtitled Chilean film at Curzon Mayfair. They showed an ad for McCain’s oven chips. Wrong crowd, I felt.
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Hi media, in the light of everything that’s going on in the world, I’m finding it really hard to give a fuck about Nigel Farage’s bank account. Sorry
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I’ve had it with John Oliver. ‘England is frustratingly white, depressing, & you want to get out of it as soon as possible,’ he says. What does ‘frustratingly white’ even mean? London btw is one of the most diverse cities in the world. Oliver once more frustratingly unfunny.
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Economy fucked, disease rampant, constant sunshine; it’s like we’re in a third world country
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Ah, remember sub-editors
Further proof, if needed, that the British Justice System is too lenient.
http://t.co/UGit264sQH
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Juergen Fucking Klopp. If you’re offfended by his language, fuck right off
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Note to chat show producers. Russell Brand stopped being funny ten years ago
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Norwich down, and we’re denied the obligatory shot of a little boy in the stand with his dad crying his eyes out. BT Sport should have hired a sweet little lad, sat him down, & told him something upsetting so we got the footage
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The last time Liverpool & Man U conceded 13 goals between them, Henry Vlll was top of the charts with Greensleeves
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Bleak. Walking past pubs. No football advertised on their chalk boards. They’ve gone back to plugging their food. I don’t want steak & ale pie. I want England to be in the World Cup final.
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There’s not a single discussion programme on TV that wouldn’t benefit from having Roy Keane dropped into it
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So proud. Well done Martha! x
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For anyone who has been drinking outside a pub today and NOT managed to get on TV raising a pint and grinning moronically, a helpline has been set up
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Queen Margrethe has abdicated as Denmark’s monarch. Her son will take over, though Neil Warnock has said he’s happy to stand in till the end of the season
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If ever there was a face asking to be firmly walloped with a sock filled with horse manure....
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Today’s most important news. I can barely comprehend it: Man who used to commentate on football matches will still commentate on football matches, but slightly less important ones.
#anationmourns
ITV have replaced me as their main football commentator...
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Liz Truss has to stop going on about coming from
#Leeds
. I can’t speak for the whole city but I get a strong feeling that the message from Leeds is f**k off Truss
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Got tickets to take daughter A to Bob Dylan. 'But what if he dies before May?' Daughter B: 'Don't worry, I'll take you.' A: 'I meant Bob'
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I’ll really miss Virgin/Stagecoach when they jack it in. It’s not every service where you can turn up at half past seven & catch the 19.02
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Fellaini sent off. Bad news for Joey Barton. He'd backed Herrera
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Fewer, fewer! You’re the BBC ffs. More importantly, massive sympathy to W H Smith employees who’ve lost their jobs.
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Great heaving mass of humanity at Kings Cross station waiting for a rumour of a train running, and still we get the ‘no skateboarding’ announcements. If you can skateboard in here, sign up for the next fucking Olympics
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Bizarre. In Soho, guy just asked me, ‘Do you want to buy any whizz, mate?’ I said, ‘No, I’ve got some Sanatogen for later.’ (one for the teenagers)
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Fact: When Sofology ad comes on, not one single person in Britain is thinking, ‘That’s a nice sofa.’ Everyone is thinking, ‘I wonder how much Owen Wilson got for doing that ad.’
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Happy Christmas to all my listeners
@talkSPORT
. Hope you both have a ‘fantastic day’ as my very good friends Haircut 100 might say
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As usual, I switch on
#spoty
, pencil sharpened, ready to take the piss mercilessly. Then along comes bloody
@DoddieWeir5
being brave, funny, inspirational & reduces you to tears. Bastard
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Did a couple of long interviews with the sainted Barry Cryer in 2015. Will play an extract or two on
@talkSPORT
graveyard slot Fri/Sat night
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Wow! Brilliant
@marthakelner
.
#prouddad
. And to save you trolls the trouble, yes she does get her looks from her mum
Young Talent award winner
@marthakelner
on working in a male dominated field as a
@SkyNews
sports correspondent
#RTSAwards
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Just seen Danny on Sky News. Interviewed wearing a fez. BBC have sacked him again for disrespecting some Turkish people & the memory of the late Tommy Cooper.
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Really sad news about the great Andy Smart's death. Andy always hilarious with the Comedy Store players, and such a fine story teller whenever he came on my radio show.
A life well lived
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Don't worry if you didn't get what you wanted in
#alevelresults2018
. Sam Cooke didn't know much about history or biology, or a science book, or even the French he took - but he did OK.
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Apart from that, OK?
Sainsbury’s issues urgent recall of vegan lasagne as it contains pork, beef and milk
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So Geoff Boycott turns out to be a bit of a twat. Who'd have thought it?
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Hello Google maps! What’s the point of all this ‘walk South East on such & such a street’. Who knows what South East is unless you’re following the sun. I’m in Manchester. There is no bloody sun!
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Just been allowed to tweet this. Partridge style thumbs-up to
@marthakelner
, garlanded with
@sja
awards
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There are times for statesmanlike behaviour, and there are times for going in studs up. Today Keir, you need to invoke the spirit of Norman Hunter, Peter Storey, Vinny Jones etc etc
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Who says the art of hard-hitting relevant investigative journalism is dead?
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With every bloody comedian in the country doing allegedly “funny” stuff from home, who knew the funniest guy on the Internet would turn out to be golf commentator
@MrAndrewCotter
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Decorum Vending Machines you absolute useless bastards. I put a two pound piece in your shitty vending machine at London Bridge station, cancelled the order when the machine didn’t work & the refund came out in 5p pieces.
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If Boris Johnson is manager, and the whole of the UK the dressing room, Johnson has absolutely lost the dressing room. If this was football, he’d have gone weeks ago. Is there a single person in Britain who thinks in the current circs, this guy is the right man for the job?
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Hello listeners, both of you. From July 4th, my overnight (prime time in Kuala Lumpur) show is moving to
@talkSPORT
, Fri & Sat nights, simulcast with
@talkRADIO
. Some of the ‘highly popular’ old features will be retained
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Fuck me. £8.29 - Vue Cinema, West End. I’d just like to know the thinking behind that 9p. Could they not make a profit on £8.20?
#atleastDickTurpinworeamask
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Trump already causing chaos. In care homes length & breadth of UK there are anguished shouts: 'What's happened to Tipping Point?'
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Sure, the West Yorkshire police were institutionally sexist, misogynistic etc. But worse, they were institutionally stupid. I went to several press conferences during that period, & there wasn’t a single guy at top of WYP you’d trust to run a fucking whelk stall
The chief constable of West Yorkshire Police has apologised to Peter Sutcliffe's victims for "the language, tone and terminology used by senior officers at the time"
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Just been asked who will greet Donald Trump if Theresa May has gone by then. Under the constitution, I believe it’s either Alan Titchmarsh or Lulu
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For Covid restrictions to work, the key element is compliance. Back in March
@JohnRentoul
of the Indy said that by allowing Dominic Cummings to stay in his job, Johnson lost all hope of that. That’s why we are where we are
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Sterling’s a great player but suffers from the syndrome scientists have identified as: ‘inability to hit a cow’s arse with a banjo when you put an England shirt on him.’
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Well done, Kings Cross. Kept us waiting nearly an hour for information about our ultimately cancelled train. But lots of annos about how ‘for our safety & comfort’ it’s a no smoking station. Do you know what would help our safety & comfort more? A fucking train
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They’ve just announced Peter Crouch’s Year Late Euros will be delayed. Till when? Never would be good
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Can always rely on the football authorities to come up with the wrong decision.
🚨BREAKING: The Premier League and EFL have postponed this weekend's games
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So it's working class voters in North & Midlands who've swung. Perhaps Labour might think about not electing some Islington wanker next time
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Nice that Stalin's 'tache gets a mention in
@ITVSport
commentary, cause that's what he's most famous for.....that and the 20 million deaths. Looking forward to lots of chucklesome mentions of Hitler's funny 'tache when Germany play.
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Can’t decide whether I’m a doomster or a gloomster, but I think Boris Johnson is as full of crap as a Blackpool shithouse on a bank holiday
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If Marcus Rashford misses out on
#SPOTY
the BBC might as well drop the word ‘personality’ from the event altogether.
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‘I know you’d rather be here than sitting watching at home,’ says Sam Matterface. Nice of him to send a message to Clive
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Remember all the numbskulls posting '2016, worst year ever,' 'fuck off 2016' etc cos some celebs died. Well, how are you finding 2017?
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Sport shutdown has dire consequences for father-son bonding. Just had a conversation with my son about a free-standing full length mirror he’s bought from Habitat
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