god isn’t necessarily giving me his hardest battles, but he’s certainly giving me some of his dumbest battles

tattoo "no worries if not" on my butt

I wish Taylor Swift was in love with a climate scientist

i cannot stop spending money. I am the primary breadloser of my household

When he’s got the gift of three pointers and you’ve got the curse of curves

Ball Out Boy

https://t.co/8W4e8y5M5v

if i were a mouse i’d sneak into your house and die in your vents

“willy nilly” is short for William Nilliam

it's officially huge dunkin iced coffee szn (it is always huge dunkin iced coffee szn)

https://t.co/7q4cuiyRAe

hey the shut the fuck up factory called. it’s time to clock in

hey isn’t this where you live

When it drops below 62° the color palette of my entire wardrobe instantly changes to Frog and Toad.

When i meet someone i immediately know how they would die on the oregon trail

DO NOT TEXT HIM

i am truly insane and can also assume nobody is reading this but if your dog enjoys lounging outside — and if its smoggy in your area bc of the canada fires — pls take them inside for the sake of their respiratory health ty that is all

“one time on an airplane i got upgraded to a seat with extra leg room, and i was like, that’s such a waste!” –@lizz_yonce, 5’4”

@lizz_yonce in nyc

instead of asking “how are you,” we should start conversations with “so what’s been haunting you this week”