lifeintheartslane 🕯
@life_arts_lane
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Purveyor of fine words; theatrically promiscuous; enjoyer of cultural shenanigans; shameless flirt; big fan of fairness; ally. Sometimes funny. Always fabulous.
Sitting on the dock of the bay
Joined March 2019
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Pinned Tweet
Brexit is the national equivalent of your Dad getting lost and refusing to ask for directions. He won’t turn back. He won’t accept your Mum’s suggestions. He won’t admit he’s ballsed up. So he keeps driving towards the cliff edge. You’ll all die: but at least his pride is intact.
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Jenrick calls the Bibby Stockholm ‘perfectly decent accommodation’.
Okay.
May I then float the suggestion that we install similar on the Thames, where all MPs are lodged instead of costing us a fortune in London base expenses?
#GTTONow
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She caught her breath as she gazed at his tall, elegant physique… the expensive, uncrumpled suit just skimming his toned chest; his kind, open eyes shining with goodness.
“Take me now” she whispered urgently “Here. On the graves of those you’ve hurried to their deaths”.
#GTTO
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I dunno, guys:
If I was the child of a Hindu-Tamil-Mauritian mother and a Christian-Goan-Kenyan father; and been born in the UK; studied in France; and married a “very proud member of the Jewish community” I like to think I’d be celebrating multiculturalism from the rooftops.
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Her slim, elegant fingers thrummed on the taxi window.
She could barely contain her glee.
A swift trip to the airport so that when he shambled from the plane… her raddled, adoring face would be the first he saw.
And soon… oh so tantalisingly soon, he would be back inside her
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I dunno, guys.
I just think that if immigrants wanted to ‘abuse’ the system; they’d find a more lucrative way to do it than wiping your granny’s bum, helping your injured uncle take a bath, and sitting with your grandad in his confused final moments.
#GTTO
#CarersDeserveDignity
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If Eton was a normal school, it would have be in Special Measures for radicalising young men in socially, morally and legally unacceptable standards by now.
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Recast the
#ElginMarbles
Put the copy into the British Museum, complete with its full history
Then ship the originals back to where they were stolen from
The End
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Because he’s a vicious frog-faced grifting cūnt?
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Just bought a new bottle of hand gel whilst refuelling. Had lovely chat with the lad serving about how much I’d need it this week as meeting new clients and wanting to be safe. Only when I got back to the car did I realise I’d mistakenly picked up a dispenser of lube 😳
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If you’re sad because the
#MarksAndSpencer
ad has ruined your Christmas; you’re going to lose your bloody mind when you hear what the Tories have done to the country.
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Heart of a lion, this one.
Lee Anderson crestfallen after he rebelled against govt on Rwanda bill.
He wanted to vote no but abstained because Labour MPs laughed at him and his thick skin wasn’t thick enough.
Now he hopes the bill survives 🤡 playground politics indeed!
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Hi World
UK here, just phoning in to let you know that the moronic, racist, ethically-repugnant, self-promoting, morally-compromised, malevolent haystack zip wire guy doesn’t speak for all of us.
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The one thing that proves the estimable Baroness
#CharlotteOwen
is a wrong’un is neither her questionable heritage, nor her possible intimacy skills - but accepting this disgraceful peerage shows she is cut from the same brass neck cloth as those who nodded through her elevation.
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Dear wallopers
No
#bbcpresenter
owes you a statement of innocence just so you can continue to splash about in other people’s troubles and believe that your ill-informed opinions are remotely relevant. Keep your shitty theories to yourselves. Oh, and stop buying the bloody Sun.
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@ostarali
@simonharris_mbd
Ah, Mum shaming. Classy.
You’re right. You don’t seem to have the basic intellect to understand an easily grasped concept and not uncommon phenomenon.
So I’d keep your trap shut if I were you.
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We ‘lefties’ may be frustrated at unnecessary loss of life, disproportionate media coverage, or double standards from commentators.
But sneering at death is not our thing. That’s very much the preserve of the right.
“Let the bodies pile high” ring any bells for you, dickhead?
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There once was a bumbling old codger
Renowned as a mask-wearing dodger
Who was slipped to the front
Of the jab queue (the cnut)
Just by dint of the fruit of his todger.
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I dunno, lads… but a phenomenon which deems cancelling cancer appointments and restricting access to food banks as being in some way respectful of the dignity and fragility of human life seems to me to be pretty hard to… you know…respect.
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Unloading some groceries and just put a packet of plasters in my First Aid cupboard. Am expecting
@sajidjavid
to pop round any moment for the ribbon cutting ceremony of this new hospital.
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Say what you like about the Conservative party, but they are indeed a beacon of hope for diversity.
They quite clearly don’t give a shit about how talented, bright or erudite you are: any old fuck up can have a crack at being PM.
#ThickLizzy
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country.
Breathing the same air.
Failing the same peasants.
Laughing at their little hopes and squashing their pathetic dreams.
Oh, how she longed for it.
Needed it.
Ached for it.
Yearned once more to blow
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#CarrieAntoinette
may well have believed that her bordello-themed wallpaper showed her ‘exquisite taste’ (it doesn’t) but if she REALLY wanted to show good taste, she should never have spent a penny of that money at a time when children are going hungry and key workers underpaid.
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aggressive twitter messages to all the nay-sayers.
“Soon” she whispered to no-one in particular, admiring the wibbliness of her reflection in the glass of the cab and recrossing her tights.
“Soon”.
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BREAKING
Nadine Dorries has just congratulated the English Leopardesses for winning the Commonwealth Squash Tournament at Wimbledon.
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I’d rather watch my Mum and Dad getting down to it at a swingers party 🤢
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@JournalistHelen
My husband (technically an adult but mental age of an Upper Fourth former) identifies as a Big Dog.
Is that any good?
Carrie Johnson (Mrs)
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We. Deserve. Better.
#BorisOut
#BorisTheLiar
#BorisTheButcher
#BorisLiedPeopleDied
#CarrieAntoinette
#OwnYourShit
#BorisHasFailedTheNation
#SmashTheFash
We need
#Bercow
#Chumocracy
#JobsForTheBoys
#MajorSleaze
#ToryCorruption
#GTTO
#IDidntVoteForThisShitShow
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Well done to BT and EE for cutting all charges on calls to Ukraine.
And… erm… (checks notes) also to Pornhub for blocking all users based in Russia.
Nice one lads.
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Dear
@LindsayHoyle_MP
Please don’t offer prayers to Ukraine on my behalf unless they come as a package with waived visas, a properly humanitarian governmental response, and a commitment to finally weed out the Russian assets at the heart of Westminster.
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I don’t know the exact conditions that
#Djokovic
is being held under; but I do know that if they aren’t deemed to be good enough for him, then they shouldn’t be thought of as good enough for anyone else either.
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GCSE question revealed:
“If Jonny Ordinary gets a ten year prison sentence for breaking quarantine rules, how long does Billy Posh-Bollocks get for not introducing said rules in sufficient time to halt the deaths of thousands?”
#BorisLiedPeopleDied
#BorisHasFailedTheNation
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more Treasury dosh in the subsidised bar pretending to be having in-depth strategic interventions of their two great intellectual mights whilst all the time ferreting beneath the tablecloth and tossing off
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What is particularly odious about each of these candidates is their focus on the priorities of ‘their’ voters: tax, hunting, hate, Brexit.
Nothing for the wider electorate who just want to stay alive. The only mention of human rights is to attack them and those who espouse them.
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A wonderful lady.
The cowboys in government may have money. But they haven’t a scintilla of
#BettyBoothroyd
’s class.
Bloody love this woman...
"Nobody voted for this mess. I blame the charlatans who peddled the falsehoods that Brexit would be easy, it would be cost free. I wouldn't trust them to run my bath, let alone the country." - Betty Boothroyd, former Speaker
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Hi Nads
Dyslexia and ignorance are not the same thing.
See also: facism, racism, xenophobia, threatening behaviour, woeful literary skills and being an all-round shockingly poor judge of character.
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Don’t know who needs to hear this but a quick reminder that a woman choosing to walk alone is not making a poor decision; a woman asking for mental health help is not whining; a woman enjoying life is not ‘asking for it’; a woman standing up for herself is not overbearing.
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@MrJohnNicolson
@miffythegamer
Can we have a snap inspection of all those Tories who are identifying as MPs?
#GeneralElectionNOW
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“Screw me” she panted.
And her mind lurched back to that gnawing, hungry dream she knew so well, where she lay before him, begging to be painted like one of his buses…yearning to have her own sides plastered with worthless ejaculate.
“Screw me like you’ve screwed the country”.
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@IrkthePurists
Hi
@GreggsOfficial
Sincerely hope you are going to take appropriate action over this and tell said employee that their manner of greeting is friendly, unforced, and wholly acceptable.
Also hope you tell Mr Iron Board to stick his sausage roll where the sun don’t shine.
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I didn’t clap.
I didn’t bang saucepans.
I didn’t lose my mind over the Captain Tom bandwagon.
But I do think the NHS should be properly funded.
I do think its staff should be properly paid.
Oh, and I didn’t have a party during lockdown.
So, you know: swings and roundabouts.
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@markjenkinsonmp
@SangitaMyska
Correct. Sangita rightly shows no shame in stating facts.
Sangita shows no shame in refusing to become a client journalist.
Sangita shows no shame in looking at issues from a nuanced and detailed point of view.
And you can’t bear that she’s brave, and principled, and right.
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I’ll see you all in jail before I willingly pay a ‘Childless Tax’.
Stop treating other people’s reproductive choices (sometimes not even a choice at all) as a topic for public discussion.
We’re not here to have babies to suit YOUR ideologies.
Fuck the fuck off.
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Red Wall Tory voter?
This is what they really think of you. They’re not your mates. They’re not a laugh. They don’t have your best interests at heart.
This guy clearly loves his constituency though: his fury at Cleverly’s casual slur is palpable.
"These comments shame the Home Secretary, this rotten government and the Tory party."
Labour MP Alex Cunningham demands an apology from James Cleverly for calling his constituency a shithole.
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@alanlyons33
@GaryLineker
Alan, please, no politics. I’ve visited your timeline specifically to look for instances of non-capitalisation and genial man-talk… I don’t want to see the many political retweets and observations you’re hosting.
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@RefugeCharity
@bbcquestiontime
A great shame you have been tainted by her lazy words.
Clarification need not have mentioned Johnson’s friends’ views (a banal and juvenile reference anyway).
As someone handsomely remunerated to get things right, Bruce should take responsibility and stand down from both roles.
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Thought these daft fuckers knew EXACTLY what they were voting for? 🤔
Rage as Brits stuck in airport queue for 3h - EU travellers 'given looks that could kill' | Travel News | Travel |
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If over a thousand died on one day in a terrorist attack, the MSM would go crazy searching for a ‘forrin’ to blame and demanding to know how those involved were radicalised. But when the govt. are responsible for such deaths, these poor dear souls barely get a batted eyelid.
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BREAKING
GOVT. POSTS REVEALED
Jim Davidson: West Indies Envoy
Harold Shipman: Geriatric Health
Nick Leeson: Finance Secretary
Peter Shilton: Universities Minister
Jimmy Savile: Youth Liaison
Anne Widdlecombe: Sport
Geoff Boycott: Women’s Rights
Andrew Windsor: US Ambassador
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“No one understands me the way you do” he admitted throatily. “Stick with me. Be mine. I could make you huge.”
“And I’d be happy to return the favour” she smirked; her hands finding their quarry as surely as a PPE provider locating a dodgy cabinet minister with a chequebook.
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I have nothing but the highest praise for Mr Bates. I have stayed in several guest houses and found him to be one of the most charming and helpful of hosts. He has high standards and is unafraid of holding others to these. But he has never murdered me or any members of my family.
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“Say it” she whimpered, sinking to the floor in adulation.
His breathing became heavier.
“Say. It.”
Her voice became more demanding.
Her gaze more direct.
She ached to hear him say it.
A deep, visceral need which pulsed through her body.
“Subsidised bar” he shuddered.
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“Why do they call you Mad Nads, then?” he teased, a glimmer of amusement in his eyes not seen since he last consulted the Covid fatality figures.
“Because I’m mad for you, Boss” she intoned breathily. “And I’m also something of an anus connoisseur… for the right price”.
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I must have travelled 1000s of miles to see former pupils strutting their stuff onstage and screen over the years. I’m always so proud of what they’ve achieved, and if I can’t get to a performance, I feel dreadful.
On every level
#WorkShyWilly
should never be our Head of State.
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@sajidjavid
I’m sorry, but your apology is not accepted. Any GCSE English student would be able to discern that the tone of yourtweet was deliberately designed to appeal to the knuckle-draggers and financiers who care little about the lives of others. Stop posturing. Stop lying. Do your job.
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She pushed the blonde tendrils from her forehead, imagining her slim, tapered digits were his thick, porcine ever-probing ones.
“This one’s for you, Boss” she whispered throatily, lifting the gin balloon to her quivering lips as she hit the ‘Tweet’ button.
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Fuck off with your pathetic hand-outs.
Fuck off with your paltry ‘grants’.
STOP ALLOWING people to fall into poverty in the first place
START paying a decent living wage
STOP PERMITTING gargantuan corporate profits and multi billionaires
START prioritising dignity for all
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Quick reminder that clocks go back this weekend:
Normal people - 1 hour
Brexiteers - 1971
Fetishists - 1941
Jacob Rees Mogg - 1802
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Seen anything good on the telly lately,
@PaulaVennells1
CBE?
If you need an example of everything wrong with the UK Establishment and how we little people have nothing but each other, I can recommend an important but difficult watch.
#MrBatesvsThePostOffice
#PostOfficeScandal
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So… I could have visited my dying friend after all if I’d brought a suitcase of booze and an ABBA CD? Got it.
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Sunak is every bit as vile as Johnson; as clueless as Truss; and as indifferent to the value of human life as the rest of the scum in his party.
Voting them out is no longer a case of political preference but of ethical expedience.
#GTTO
#GeneralElectionNow
Rishi Sunak has accepted a £1,000 bet from Piers Morgan that deportation flights to Rwanda will be up and running before the General Election.
The full interview is due to be shown on the Piers Morgan Uncensored YouTube channel at 2pm and TalkTV at 8pm on Monday (5 February).
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We are all one missed rent/mortgage payment, one terrible illness, one random act of destruction, one psychopath, one evil government away from homelessness and the need for the kindness of strangers.
And it’s very clear to tell which of us understand this and which of us don’t.
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Her long, slim, elegant, tapered fingers hovered over the keys of her laptop once again.
She hadn’t been this desperate for sleep since that night entertaining the troops in Cockfosters station during one of the blackouts of World War 11.
But she would not fail him now.
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Remake of The Hateful Eight looks a bit shit.
BREAKING: Eight Tories make it onto the ballot tomorrow for Tory leadership:
Rishi Sunak
Liz Truss
Penny Mordaunt
Tom Tugendhat
Kemi Badenoch
Jeremy Hunt
Suella Braverman
Nadhim Zahawi
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Her heart flew out to him.
Tousled hair cradled in his manly hands. The Woman next to him, barely acknowledging his pain.
How different it would be if only she were there…able to slip her little hand in his sweaty paw… longing for her to slip her one
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LEAKED:
Maths question for Key Stage 1 2021:
If Joe has 306 apples...
And Donnie has 232 apples...
How is that the education system has let Donnie down to the extent that he can’t understand he has fewer fcuking apples?
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@SimonClarkeMP
You and your mates don’t believe in anything, mate.
Except yourselves.
That’s the problem.
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If you’re a
#CorruptTory
MP who voted for poverty: kindly fuck off with your food bank selfies, fuck right off with your present wrapping, and fuck the fuck off with your fake Christian sentiment. Your God sees you… and he’s not very impressed.
#GTTO
#SmashTheFash
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@PetronellaWyatt
@AlisonHammond
Alison’s sobs were honest, confused, in the moment, and took her over.
Your decision to continue shagging that rancid old (married) bag of custard was dishonest, deliberate, sustained, and intentional.
I think we all know who’s the bigger embarrassment here, love.
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No, Nads.
Put your knickers back on.
He said ‘snap election’.
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Just when you think Christmas can’t get any worse, the phone rings...
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Poland: “Let’s help the Ukrainian refugees’
Denmark: “Let’s help the Ukrainian refugees’
Ireland: “Let’s help the Ukrainian refugees’
England: “Let’s buy some coloured lights from The Range”
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BREAKING
Julia Hartley Brewer has just arrived at the Romanian Consulate with a six-pack of Carlsberg, a bargain bucket, and a fishing rod.
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Her slim, elegant digits rapped against the mahogany desk.
She scowled at the green glass goblin, overturned, and empty of liquid succour.
Even Gordon had betrayed her now.
The posh bastard.
She uncrossed and recrossed her thighs…
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The world is pretty gloomy right now. So it’s time for some silliness.
Things you can say during both sex and when cooking the Christmas lunch?
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She howled in unbridled ecstasy.
His promises and his famed erudition were irresistible.
And even the peasants knew it too: for she had heard their shouts, read their tweets, seen their pleas…
#JohnsonOut
.
But this Johnson was hers.
And hers alone.
She would fight for it.
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@SimonClarkeMP
You *could* have stayed silent
You *could* have regretted the language clearly used
You *could* have spoken of solidarity and compassion with those living in poverty
And yet you chose to constuct this shitty, infantile, wholly unsolicited response to governmental arrogance.
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@trussliz
That you chose to repay the debt now rather than at a time when you could have reduced their suffering is disgusting. Hope you’re proud of yourselves: because we’re not.
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@DeborahMeaden
“We’ve communicated” 🤣🤣🤣
She caught her breath as she gazed at his tall, elegant physique… the expensive, uncrumpled suit just skimming his toned chest; his kind, open eyes shining with goodness.
“Take me now” she whispered urgently “Here. On the graves of those you’ve hurried to their deaths”.
#GTTO
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