I wouldn’t be a good NBA coach because every timeout I would just be like, “You guys have to win or I’m gonna blow my brains out.”

giving in to heavy eyelids when your eyes start rolling back like this is a top 5 feeling

Was just saying prednisone is a miracle drug in a text and tried spelling it Droug. Why

Shooing my wife off the dining room table like a cat

I need someone to do a real funny British zinger in response to this. Something like “they weren’t teaching about burgers enough” but funnier and more British sounding

I’m actually dangerously sleep deprived and borderline hallucinating so I’m tweeting through it

Me all year when I see a banana: disgusting Me once a year when I try a banana: oh hm not that bad

This is how I look at waiters when they’re listing all the specials so they know I think they’re doing a great job already and they shouldn’t feel like they have to rush through listing them and I don’t even think it’s a big deal when they have to read a few bc they forgot some

I am at work wearing a sweater with really annoying sleeves that keep getting caught and stuck on everything. So sick of this shit

And she had to have heard it from older cousins or friends because it truly stunned me that she used “the French” in context. Like wtf do u know about the French what else are u hiding in that scary little head

watching Bluey last night and it was the Smoochie Kiss episode, and my kid said “I know a kind of kissing, i’ve heard of it before” and I said oh yeah what is it? And she said “FRENCH kissing” and I said “ewww what’s that?” and she said “I don’t know but the French LOVE doing it”

So basically my body can’t handle physical activity right now but I also don’t have a choice. and moving just happens to be the most stressful event ever on it’s own. So. It’ll be fine though probably. God gives his strongest soldiers heart palpitations, as they say

I’m easily the sickest I’ve been in years and not only does it just not get any better as the days pass, there’s also new, even worse symptoms that keep appearing lmao. Can’t remember what it feels like to feel good. OH and I have to pack up my whole house cause we move in 9 days

Twitter should ban discourse. Ban tweeting while they’re at it

I am confused every day

omg they literally made him the "if a horse turned into a human for a day" guy

what it actually means is he wants you to go outside, find the biggest rock you can carry and then drop it on his head

Which one of u at nestle wants to come over here and get your ass beat

https://t.co/hsJPZAtYlh

ok how much more can i talk about my new hair before everyone gets mad at me