Ike Barinholtz
@ikebarinholtz
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This should happen to Ted Cruz every minute of every day everywhere he goes forever👍
Someone heckled Ted Cruz while he was eating at a restaurant last night
“19 children died! That’s on your hands! Ted Cruz, that’s on your hands!”
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Yeah no shit that’s why we like her
Paul Ryan says Ocasio-Cortez didn't really listen "to a thing I said" when he offered her advice
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WHAT THE FUCK IS A SPACE FORCE JUST GIVE PEOPLE HEALTH CARE
BREAKING: Vice President Pence announces plans for new, separate US Space Force as 6th military service by 2020.
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Anthony Scaramucci looks like an extra in the Wolf of Wall Street that they had to fire because he kept trying to talk to Leo
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“Amadeus” was nominated for 11 Academy Awards and won Best Picture
Name your favorite under appreciated movie. I’ll go first: “Amadeus.”
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Who is the Game of Thrones character you see yourself as and who is the one you actually are? For me it's Bronn/Hot Pie
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What Frank Stallone said is despicable and I call on the Lomita Community Blood Bank to boycott him and no longer buy his plasma
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Sincere thanks to all of you for sticking with me through this. It's been a nightmare for me and my family but it seems like it's over🙏
UPDATE: Charges dropped against man arrested for "I Eat Ass" sticker on his truck Actual sticker seen below
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This is the stupidest thing I've ever seen and I was in a MadTV sketch where I played Joe Millionaire having sex with Connie Chung on her desk during a newscast
A design of our Steel Slat Barrier which is totally effective while at the same time beautiful!
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I am on the American television program called
@nbcbrooklyn99
TONIGHT and I believe it will be hilarious so let’s watch!
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I knew he’d get booted one day so I grabbed a screenshot of one of my favorites
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Hey Rex Tillerson - sorry, you're not allowed to be "press shy". You're the U.S. Secretary of State, not Terrence Malick
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"Cambridge Analytica" sounds like the last words someone says to Jason Bourne before they succumb to an assassin's bullet
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I'm neither joking or exaggerating when I say no one likes you
I'm planning a 'Men's March' to protest at the creeping global emasculation of my gender by rabid feminists. Who's with me?
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FINALLY a President with the courage to cut Meals on Wheels. Thank you
@realDonaldTrump
for telling moochers like this the free ride is OVER
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There is something very gratifying about cleaning old candle wax out of a menorah. This is obviously the most Jewish thing I’ve ever tweeted
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Stop saying Trump is "evolving" as a candidate. Just because he didn't make a swastika w/ his feces this week doesn't mean he's any better
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Here it is!
@TheOathMovie
REDBAND trailer! In theaters near you this October! THANKSGIVING WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
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I cannot stop watching this
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I’ve got so many laughs in my life by just repeating Norm MacDonald jokes. One of the funniest to ever do it - RIP to a king
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This week:
Alienate Germany✔️
Alienate UK✔️
Tease war w N Korea✔️
Continue wiretap bullshit✔️
Cut Meals on Wheels✔️
Take away healthcare✔️
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My wife put an entire onion in my ass and we both forgot about it 😟
My husband loves leaving fruit in my vagina all day so he can eat it later
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I no longer know if this is reality or if I have become Donnie Darko
“Our military is at a level where it has never been before….The funding of our military was so important and so many military people are with us here today. Just think of $700 billion because that is all going into our military this year,”
@POTUS
tells crowd at White House
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.
@SpeakerRyan
it's crazy that you won't allow cameras in the chamber today but you were okay with them for this
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What we learned:
1)Piss has germs
2)There will be bands at inaug
3)Russia hacked us but are good
4)He will almost certainly be impeached
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Blown away by all the love for the
@TheMindyProject
finale! It's the best job I've ever had and it's because of
@mindykaling
and her dedication and especially our amazingly wonderful fans. Eternally grateful😘
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Mike Pence is a soulless, putrid moron and I truly hope he's our next president
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Trump starts every speech by promoting one of his gross hotels that look like they were designed by a bucket of Liberace's diarrhea
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#fav7films
Ernest Goes to Camp
Ernest Scared Stupid
Ernest Goes to Africa
Slam Dunk Ernest
Ernest Goes to Jail
Ernest Saves Xmas
Magnolia
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So FLOTUS's argument is: "Because you accused me of being a prostitute I am now unable to monetize those who voted for my husband"
First Lady's lawsuit: ”Plaintiff had unique, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to launch commercial brand" via
@nypost
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It's a good day to remember when Trump was asked what his favorite thing at McDonalds is he said "Fish Delight" which is not a thing
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After much consideration I will NOT be performing at the Inauguration with my improv group Capitol Hill-arious
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I don't know whether to agree with a civil rights icon and the moral backbone of our country or the rich asshole who fake fired dee snider
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Im crying so hard right now. This is for Santo and Ernie and my Grandpa and all my friends and brothers and sisters in CHICAGO ILLINOIS
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When someone says there's no global warming because it's cold out is like someone saying there's no world hunger because they just ate
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Thanks
@hulu
for new
#TheMindyProject
episodes! Now that we're streaming I promise at some point this season you will see Morgan's wang!
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PEOPLE
Tomorrow the sun will rise
America is built to last
We need to protect and love each other more than ever
We need to be strong
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Yes the Patriots lost but Tom Brady gets to go home and have sex with Giselle while Peyton Manning has to hang out with Papa John
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At this point the only way KellyAnne Conway should be on TV is if every time she tries to speak the interviewer blows an air horn
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LOL you got briefed on North Korea at Mar A Lago in front of like a hundred randos
The real story here is why are there so many illegal leaks coming out of Washington? Will these leaks be happening as I deal on N.Korea etc?
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Please
@SenJohnMcCain
@LindseyGrahamSC
@SenSasse
@JeffFlake
@RandPaul
@SenatorCollins
@SenOrrinHatch
don't let this man destroy our country
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Fucking losers
Now gathering around statue of Thomas Jefferson. Chanting 'white lives matter!'
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Last table read EVER for The Mindy Project! Here's a pic of Mindy thanking me, calling me "the heart and soul of the show." Her words, folks
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"If something happens blame him..." is the stupidest, most dangerous thing I've ever heard a US President say. Unacceptable
Just cannot believe a judge would put our country in such peril. If something happens blame him and court system. People pouring in. Bad!
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Yes it's funny he's pissed, but let's not succumb to leaks and yellow journalism. Remember the golden rule and try to shower people w love 💛
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Hey
@SenJohnMcCain
@LindseyGrahamSC
@marcorubio
@SenBobCorker
@SenSasse
@SenatorCollins
@RandPaul
how can you stand by and watch this happen
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Trump and Jeb Bush arguing about who's gonna be better for women's rights is like two vegans arguing about where to get the best burger
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Please stop saying KellyAnne made an "error" or "mistake". It's a LIE because she's a LIAR who hates us and thinks we're dumb assholes
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One of my favorite shows and he was the reason. RIP Alex Trebek, a true king who found his glory👑
Jeopardy! is saddened to share that Alex Trebek passed away peacefully at home early this morning, surrounded by family and friends. Thank you, Alex.
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Sean Spicer is stepping down so he can focus on mispronouncing words at home with his family
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Good tweet, I feel better about you having access to 5000 nuclear warheads
Just tried watching Saturday Night Live - unwatchable! Totally biased, not funny and the Baldwin impersonation just can't get any worse. Sad
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Thank you to every one who fought for what's right today. This is OUR country no matter what that old spray tanned racist man says🇺🇸
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This is a photo of our possible next First Lady eating a bowl of jewels
We talked to Melania Trump about her rise, her family secrets, and her true political views
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You told Howard Stern that "your Vietnam" was trying to not get herpes from all the women you paid to have sex with you
Sen.Richard Blumenthal, who never fought in Vietnam when he said for years he had (major lie),now misrepresents what Judge Gorsuch told him?
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"Believe me, when fully hard it's this big. My boner is the best. You've never seen a little red dick like this."
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I would vote for the person who killed Harambe before I vote for you
George H.W. Bush is voting for Hillary. Michelle Obama is friends w/ George W. Bush. Hillary went to Trump's wedding.
#TheNewRepublicanParty
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So
@jimjefferies
is now the owner of
@piersmorgan
and before Piers wants to do anything he must first check with Jim, as he owns him now
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Watch me on the
@CelebJeopardy
SEMIFINALS tomorrow and see
@SimuLiu
put me on blast 😳 8/7 on
@ABCNetwork
and
@hulu
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Yeah it's just locker room talk but it's the locker room after the Gropers played the Molesters in a game of Rapeball
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Of all the reasons Trump is not qualified to be president the fact that he pronounces airplane "air-ro-plane" has gotta be up there
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Buddy your approval ratings are somewhere in between a speeding ticket and a cock zit
When a country is no longer able to say who can, and who cannot , come in & out, especially for reasons of safety &.security - big trouble!
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Oh my god YOU FUCKING WON GET OVER IT WE STILL HATE YOU STOP TWEETING ABOUT IT AND GET READY TO LEAD THE COUNTRY YOU FUCKING DORK
I thought and felt I would win big, easily over the fabled 270 (306). When they cancelled fireworks, they knew, and so did I.
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David Duke and Martin Shkreli loved Trump's speech, Bob Durst said it was "on point", still waiting to hear what Joran Van Der Sloot thought
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We have to give him a chance to be a good president [reads his last 5 tweets] okay he is a petty evil moron and we are going to die
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People like
@GovMcCrory
are trying to kill democracy in North Carolina and people like this lady are fighting it
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My friend
@mindykaling
sent her new book and didn't charge me for shipping and it is so funny and great go buy it now
http://t.co/6JGEVOMmQN
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A multi-millionaire cheering people losing their health care which will absolutely lead to deaths
Congrats to the Senate for taking the first step to
#RepealObamacare
- now it's onto the House!
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The list of "celebrities" endorsing Trump is a real who's eww
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Me when the dentist has to cancel tomorrow’s appointment
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Hey dopey that's Katie Holmes from the tv show Dawson's Creek
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What a classless, cruel person
@jasoninthehouse
is. Is there anyone running against him I can donate money to? Literally anyone
Hillary Clinton shakes Jason Chaffetz's hand, the man who led the investigation into her email server, and then he posts this:
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You are the worst "president" ever and everyone is protesting because they "hate" you and want you to be "impeached"
If the ban were announced with a one week notice, the "bad" would rush into our country during that week. A lot of bad "dudes" out there!
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How many people died of thirst in your jail while you posed for this impossibly lame photo
Michelle Obama said she was never proud of her country til they elected her husband POTUS. I've never been prouder since we got rid of him.
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Reminder: no matter what happens Tuesday this is the greatest country in the world and people are good
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What an awful day for this country. This is the most un-American thing I've ever seen. We deserve better
Trump's refugee executive order explicitly calls for discrimination against Muslims:
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Yes this is what her show is and it's why she's the best
For those of you watching
@Maddow
for the first time tonight, she always takes the scenic, historical context route. Settle in.
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Few people have had a bigger impact on comedy than
@ConanOBrien
and
@AndyRichter
have. Congratulations to you guys on an amazing run and thanks for having me on all these years🙌🏻
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Punxsutawney Phil came out, saw his shadow, heard what Trump's been doing and went back into his hole and killed and ate his family
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"Selfie" (2015) PG-13 Jayden Smith has to find the girl that photobombed his selfie on prom night before his rival Skrillex does
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I wouldn't let Betsy DeVos be in charge of a school of fish
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I think it's cool that all parents have agreed to let their cell phones ring 4-5 times before they answer
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Seriously, tell me why we can't eradicate fruit flies. They're little pieces of shit that have no ecological use (I swallowed a fruit fly)
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.
@SarahKSilverman
just spoke of the importance of unity and tagged it with Baba Booey and thats why she's the best
#dnc
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Almost just bashed my head into the sink because I tripped over my squatty potty and I realized that there is no more shameful way to die
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I was working out in my hotel's gym in Canada and curling was on the TV and a man changed the channel to a DIFFERENT curling match
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I have never seen someone gloat about things he knows will hurt people more than
@SpeakerRyan
does. Truly a heartless person
Another one heads to President Trump’s desk. This legislation allows states to have drug testing to receive federal unemployment benefits.
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National Sibling Day is a fake holiday invented by corporations in order to sell more siblings
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Coming this Hanukkah!
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This is not a boomerang she did this for two hours
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