I’m just gonna jingle some of the way. I’m tired.

Son: Can you act like a regular mom when my gf comes to visit? Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball * Sorry, the spirits say no.

Be the house with the full sized candy bars you wish to see in this world.

me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online* website: you need to call us for that me: *calls* phone message: we're busy, use the website me:

Dentists: don't brush hard with your toothbrush. It hurts your teeth and gums Also dentists: [uses metal hooks to clean your teeth and poke your gums]

Me: Can I be Frank? Frank: No, it's my turn.

My 16 yo would like everyone to know that I'm a terrible parent for making him get up "early" to start his school for the day. wake up time is at 10 am.

me: *takes garbage and recycling to the curb* me, the next morning: what's that noise

Did you know you can just put cream cheese on bread if you run out of bagels, there is literally no one checking this

How’s that whole “starring Jared Leto” thing working out for y’all?

Stress eating gummy vitamins, so this is a fitness account now

Life of a mom: clean your room clean your room (collectors edition) clean your room (collectors edition deluxe) clean your room (acoustic) clean your room (voice memo) clean your room (exasperated) clean your room (penultimate) clean your room (dad's version)

Columbus Day is just a made up holiday to sell more Christophers.

Tomorrow is going to suck taking down all of these Christopher Columbus decorations

My super power is going to sleep and waking up injured.

If by “go outside,” you mean “put on a pair of flip flops to take the trash to the curb,” then yes, I did go outside today.

My 7yo told me I was sigma and neither one of us knows what that means

They put the animatronic from spielberg’s Lincoln out on display at the academy museum, really cool to see

I cleaned out my junk drawer if anyone needs a CD to reinstall Windows 95.

I just look at carbs and gain weight. Wish I could just look at a gym and get in shape

When your date of birth starts with 19 and you sleep on the wrong pillow.