Giles Coren
@gilescoren
Followers
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Media
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Joined June 2009
Okay, fine, sorry. I got that one wrong. Rude, disrespectful, silly. I apologise.
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You go ahead and boycott whatever you want to for whatever reasons you think make it right. This is a free country after all. Meanwhile, I’ve reviewed an Israeli restaurant. Israeli food, Israeli culture, Israeli owned. And it was marvellous.
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Watching the Pope lying in state in St Peter’s, waiting for Philip Schofield and Holly Willoughby to barge the queue….
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This happened early on Saturday morning. it doesn’t change anything that is wrong with the world this week but it’s making my children very happy.
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This guy’s incredible. It’s Shakespearean.
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Punctuation lessons?.
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The Jag ad, the Guardian, accusations that GCSEs are ‘too middle class’… ordinary people in Britain with decent values are being insulted by the same craven lefty Kamala Harrisite shit that gifted America to Donald Trump. We CANNOT let that happen here.
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Oh No. Tim Brooke-Taylor. He lived round the corner and his son Ben was my friend. I’m one of the few people who ever saw Tim angry, when we hid behind sofas and used his books as hand grenades. He was livid. Then we turned on the telly and watched West Ham win the cup. 1980. 😢.
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Jan Leeming is IN! . Whole text here if you wanna dodge the paywall. Worth a read. I’m completely right about everything. And if I’m wrong, I am charmingly wrong.
You are speaking for millions & get away with it @gilescoren TG Please may I join you in shouting the expletive over and over again. My followers might be shocked but that’s how I feel. As always you’ve totally hit the nail on the head. Will we ever return to sane world?😡
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@MavenofHonor Waiting for the loo on a Virgin Atlantic flight to LA, Pamela Anderson appeared behind me. When the cubicle came free, I said, “after you” and she said “thanks, what a gentleman!” Truth was I knew I was going to do a massive shit and didn’t want her to walk in and know it was me.
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New series of Amazing Hotels starts Thursday, Feb 11, 9pm on BBC2 in ST LUCIA!. I especially look forward to all the complaints that we’re abroad, not distancing, unmasked. and not being arsed to reply that, what with one thing another this show was filmed in December 2019.
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Ben Brooke-Taylor knew I was an awful celebrity brown noser even then. I remember one time when we were playing football in his garden and just as Tim came out I tried a bicycle kick. “You only did that because my Dad’s in the Goodies!” Ben shouted. And he was absolutely right.
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Bingo!.
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I need fish and chips. Is anywhere open today in London? Am I allowed to go and get it? It’s food shopping. Anyone know?.
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Twice on @BBCRadio4 news today I’ve heard reporters say “the proof is in the pudding”. What do they think it means? The phrase is “the proof of the pudding is in the eating” it’s a shit cliché but it does sort of mean something. “The proof is in the pudding” DOESN’T MEAN ANYTHING.
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With the paywall down, I thought I’d reshare this one from last week about Ash Wednesday and my unexpected midlife enthusiasm for churchgoing….
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Britain’s strictest headmistress approves! 💪🏼.
Giles Coren is my hero!. @gilescoren takes Jaguar and woke education to task in what must be the funniest thing I have read all year.😂🥰
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Next person who says “new normal” to me gets a poke in the eye. How do like that for “new normal”, eh? You wanker. I’ll new fucking normal you. Other than that, I’m fine.
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Oh no! All the super rich Farageist scumbag corporate fuckheads are going to leave Britain and go and live in Dubai because they don’t want to bay a bit more tax. How very terrible. Whatever will we do without them?.
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The government says we are NOT ALLOWED to book a holiday so is it illegal to say that a new series of Amazing Hotels starts tonight on BBC2 at 9pm with @MGaletti01 and me? If so, we’re really sorry. As you can see in this photo (which was taken during filming in St Lucia)
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Making a bed around a sleeping cat is a rarely acknowledged domestic skill.
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Gentile historians: “Hey, Jews, we’ve finished with Christopher Columbus now, he turned out to be a racist imperialist bastard, so you can have him.”.Jews: “Er, cheers.”.
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Forecast says it’s going to go Arctic tomorrow. Cold, rain and wind. But I reckon that’s BOLLOCKS! What do they know? It’s like Trump and Brexit and everything else. Fucking experts! My money says it’s going to be sunny for ever!
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My mum (on the phone, obviously): “It’s terrible for poor Prince Charles.”.Me (indignantly): “Why is it worse for him than for anyone else?”.My mum: “Well, he’ll have to put the toothpaste on himself now, won’t he?”.
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Wrote about the day the BBC picked Gregg Wallace instead of me to present Masterchef. Which must have seemed like a good idea at the time….
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It would appear that this, on the other hand, IS an antisemitic attack. Red paint on a Jewish school in London. The umbrella is a nice touch, isn’t it? One doesn’t want to get wet while out at night being a MASSIVE FUCKING NAZI.
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I can totally see why the man who is basically Tsar of all the Russians would want a “£1bn Palace of Pleasure”. But why on Earth does he want a 1980s cross-channel ferry fruitie room?
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When dieticians tell us to eat more nuts (this week it is for dementia), they never mean nice nuts - like dry roasted KP with a pint or caramelised cashews - they mean the shit nuts. Like fucking Brazil nuts. I fucking hate those nuts. *may contain nuts.
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Filming a 1970s cocktail party for “Giles and Sue Live the The Good Life“ with The late, lovely Tim Brooke-Taylor, Sally James from Tiswas and .@sueperkins (in profile with wig). It’s about 2010 I think. Zoom in on Sue and you’ll notice she has TWO drinks. Happy days. *sigh*
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I have never seen anything better than this IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!.
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It’s time to ban phones in restaurants. It’s disrespectful to low paid workers rude to your fellow diners and just a bit fucking sad.
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@sueperkins @katelocksley When all this is over and there is no longer budget or appetite for travel TV, maybe they’ll let us go back to getting pissed together in the front room of small terraced houses in suburban London. It’s cheap, it’s a laugh, and it still the best work I, for one, have ever done. x.
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😢.
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Unexpected AstraZeneca side-effect: it’s made me come over all pro-Brexit.
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As a writer, I can confirm that Hamas IS a terror group.
As Home Secretary, I can confirm that Hamas are a terror group.
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A beautiful sunny run on Hampstead Heath with my son (on his bike) yielded three solid celebrity sightings:.1) Hunter Davis, Beatles biographer and one of our greatest journalists these last 60 years.2) Charles Dance, sublime actor, very handsome. 3) Ed Miliband, sandwich choker.
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Oh look, I’ve written a restaurant review. That makes a change. But it’s of The River Cafe so it’s miles away and super expensive and you’ll never go. So no point reading it. Ah, it’s good to be back to the same old same old.
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“Hey guess what, Mon, this is the last time we will ever go abroad because in about, ooh, two months there is going to be a pandemic and this show will be delayed for 18 months and St Lucia will be the last place we ever went. “. “Ha ha ha fuck off Giles”
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Why will no one let me sit where I want to sit? . On restaurant reception staff and their hellish determination to give you (and me) the shittest seat in the room every goddam time.
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I was joking about the “ghastly commies” but the rest of this somewhat unhinged (if not untypical) rant holds good….
“I think the Labour Party are ghastly commies, I hate them all - but these people are not corrupt.”. @GilesCoren defends Keir Starmer.
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Man whom Boris loves and everyone else hates in “Boris stands by him and everyone else still hates him” shock.
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You see? I told you it was going to be fucking lovely. You SEE?
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Nigel must be so annoyed that autocorrect changed ‘MASSIVE CUNT’ into ‘remarkable individual’.
Well, this is a surprise! Elon is a remarkable individual but on this I am afraid I disagree. My view remains that Tommy Robinson is not right for Reform and I never sell out my principles.
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@according2_taz Well it’s not that I’m not enjoying it so much - they all seem quite harmlessly bonkers. What I am is completely baffled, as I have been for five years, that so many people take a joke reply to a friend’s tweet by a person who knows NOTHING about the royals as some sort of oracle.
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“All we can do is work together with the tools that we have.” And what a bunch of tools they are….
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Went for a long walk this morning but my phone ran out of juice halfway through and none of the steps registered. It’s like I never even went for a walk. Complete waste of time. Is there any way I can hack into the app and add the extra 5000 on? I’m not even sure I’m joking.
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Fuck this remote-learning homeschool shit. Here’s what our kids really need to know.
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I was in Macao on Jan 20 when 3 things happened: WHO confirmed human to human trans of corvid-19, there was a case in our hotel and I shut a park gate on my thumb and got a small bruise in my nail bed. It’s now travelled to the end of my thumb. So. My nails take 12 weeks to grow.
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Anyone staring gormlessly out the window trying to think of something witty to tweet about the weather, draw the curtains and turn the cricket on. Best innings by an English batsman on the subcontinent possibly ever. #rooooooot.
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Happy birthday Chris Tavaré, who turned 70 yesterday. Feels like he took longer than any other batsman to get there….
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What England need is all their dads standing in a line smoking fags and shouting “just fucking hoof it!”.
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@hugorifkind Could you try to get a photo please? I’ve never seen a photograph of a journalist getting vaccinated. Also some sort of platitude about the resilience and heroism of the NHS would help me contextualise.
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@toadmeister Gosh, I did not get that at all. To me it was an incredibly sensitive and moving portrayal of a very fragile time of life that is threatened by phones and social media. There’s nothing and nobody pathetic or contemptible in it. What a strange and bitter reading this must be.
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@JakeWSimons Love the umbrella. One doesn’t want to get wet while out being a massive fucking Nazi.
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Not gonna lie - best day of his life. (Not Joe’s, Joe’s is today).
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Can’t go to barber’s, wife won’t cut my hair, so I took the kitchen scissors out into the garden and did it my goddam self. The result? Hellooooooo, Joe Exotic. (With just a splash of Jean Valjean).
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Totally in love with this journalistic family. We all aspire to calm and humour like this. (But surely they are at each other like piranhas the rest of the time. ?).
One of our @BBCIndia journalists from the Delhi bureau, @ArunodayM, has continued reporting live from home thanks to the help of a very important person. #BBCWFH #workingfromhome #Covid19 #India 🇮🇳
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With the paywall down I thought I’d share my piece on the scam of ‘Low Traffic Neighbourhoods’ (LTNs) - which are just pocket-lining enterprises for hypocritical Labour councils that make pollution and climate change and indeed literally everything WORSE.
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Can’t take my eyes off this. It goes on and on and I can’t look away. She desecrates a flyer for abducted children, but she won’t say why (though we all know why). And she just keeps on eating. Can’t stop putting the food in her mouth. And it’s a bagel! A FUCKING BAGEL!!!.
Montclair, NJ - two individuals removed signs of a vigil being held in honor of kidnapped Israeli children, women, and elderly. This evil behavior must be never be tolerated. Recognize them? DM us!
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Me on my way home from office Christmas lunch in a suit that fitted fine that morning…
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After 25 years as a restaurant critic I have finally landed the gig I truly always craved: A COOKERY COLUMN!!! Starts this week in The Jewish Chronicle. 🥣 .
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@McGuireDavid @caitlinmoran They weren’t booed for that tonight. They were cheered for it. And last night at the Spain-Italy game (which I was at) they both booed each other’s anthems. All teams do it. Always have. It is not a special evil England thing and never has been.
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I don’t get all this “Thank God January is over” business. Nothing is over. Nothing has changed. Everything is still the same. we’re all just a month nearer to death.
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😊.
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LOST: One cat. Last seen Durham area. Crap eyesight. Possibly quite ill. Possibly not. Untrainable. No regard for personal space. Hisses when cornered. Only one person in whole wide world who gives remotest shit whether found or not.
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Amazing Hotels tomorrow comes from @swintonestate in the heart of God’s Own Country. Filmed before lockdown 3 but during the tier system, so masks and distancing but plenty of fun nonetheless. Here I’m giving it the full Rapunzel. BBC2, 9pm, Thursday.
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Do you miss The Supersizers Go. ? Give a shit about the NHS? Got a few quid? Because for one night only, it’s back! You and a pal, me and @sueperkins in full period costume, a swanky West End restaurant, food and (lots of) booze on us. Bid for it here:
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Wish this handsome sign language guy was prime minster and Boris was just a translation specialist relaying his words for the benefit of blind people.
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We are living in the midst of tragedy. There is slaughter and misinformation on all sides. It doesn’t matter what I think about it: Twitter needs no more opinions from anyone. But when the facts can be attained with ease (as I have done) they must be reported accurately. 🙏🏼.
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Yesterday I wrote a column about how desperation will drive the Tories to espouse a load of increasingly batshit policies on the hope of a freak victory. Today they announce…. Compulsory military service for eighteen-year-olds!. Thank you @RishiSunak, thank you for listening.
The Tories can still win. And this is how….
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Wow. Just saw a Medequip van doing 60mph in a narrow residential street on NW5 and nearly kill a kid on a bicycle. Terrifying. The fuck are they doing? Is that important virus shit or something? Because killing people on the roads isn’t really going to help.
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“You see, Mr Root, when batting in India you have to keep your left elbow high and your bottom hand loose to negate the effects of the. ”. My Sam explains the basics to Joe ahead of the tour. #rooooooooot
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What’s the shittest excuse for a fucking poem you have ever seen in your miserable, benighted, bullshit life? . I’ll start:
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@ThomasEvansAdur @reformparty_uk @Nigel_Farage I like Dominic Cummings. I am a friend of Jacob and his wife. I voted Tory last time (won’t this time). And I’m not crying.
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Car reduction is good, net zero is good, clean air is good. But Low Traffic Neighbourhoods conceived in bad faith to poison Camden’s children so that Ed Miliband and his attorney general can whack another mill on their house price is BAD.
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I’ve been on hydroxychloroquine for the last three months and I haven’t got it either. Trump should be hailed as a visionary for the way he is leading from the front. Is not what this column about, I’m just fucking with you.
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To be clear: this kosher restaurant in Golders Green was not vandalised in an antisemitic attack. Unsure what to believe, I went down there on Friday to eat shwarma and drink a beer in solidarity and the staff were clear: it was just a burglary.
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Is today a bank holiday? Or is it the special day the traffic wardens love, sandwiched between a load of bank holidays and a weekend, when everyone thinks it must be a bank holiday so parks wherever they like and then gets a ticket?.
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Oy veh is mir, @PaulHollywood says Cholla is traditionally served at Passover, the time when bread is FORBIDDEN ON PAIN OF ACTUAL DEATH. What appalling cultural appropriation! What heinous colonialism! What rank insensitivity! I feel so othered! So unseen! Twitmob anyone. ?.
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How did “batsman” come to be the new N-word? Sure, use ‘batter’ in general terms so girls don’t feel excluded but we must be allowed to call great players of the past like Thorpe and Bradman “batsmen”. Does their gender revolt you? Wd you prefer batsmxn?.
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Fuck.
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@chedwardes Yeah, not a lot of nurses and key workers depending on Frances Holland to look after their kids, though. And I imagine 90% of parents there have nannies, so they can run their hedge funds from home without even looking at their children.
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