dance like nobody's horrified

Ready to take my place on a Dream Team.

I just found out my TV remote works through the blanket and this is like discovering uranium in your backyard

Please introduce me as "a friend of the show."

Women my age had a crush on The Crocodile Hunter, and now his son. It's all their shirtless positivity.

whatever. so once a month I go off the deep end. deal with it.

Tell me this isn't an album cover

me, to the new gym trainer: so i want taylor swift's legs, salma hayek's abs and cardi b's murder nails

I have a certain set of unprofitable skills.

Tell your teenager to clean them out of their room now so you will have enough cups and dishes for Thanksgiving.

Calm down, bro. You drive a 95 Acura Legend. Trust me, you’re not late for anything.

I hit the ground running today and tripped over my own feet. But all sexy like.

No thanks, I'm doing me things.

Russia’s thinking about detonating an underwater nuclear drone-missile and submerging the West Coast beneath a radioactive tsunami, and I’m just sitting here eating Milk Duds.

It's only 8pm but it feels like its already 2000 hours.

If you're a content creator a microphone is no longer necessary just talk into a caterpillar

My imaginary grandsons, Covidrio Jr. and Covidrio Jr. Jr., have taken to saying “1.81712059283 cubed, 1.91293118277 cubed” at random because they’re trendy little showoffs.

You’re not cool and edgy, you’re just an asshole

"When I was young we didn't drink water out of bottles" Gen X: GASP! You drank it filtered from the refrigerator? "We drank water right out of the sink faucet" *3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

Drinking gallons of chocolate milk at planet fitness for maximum effect. Lock in

Fun Fact: Astronauts never laugh in space due to the antigravity of the situation.