Emil DeRosa
@emilderosa
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17,392
Following
465
Media
130
Statuses
975
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Last Seen Profiles
first dates are great because there’s really nothing like spending $76 to find out you never wanna be in the same room with someone again
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Everyone is so mad at me. I know I clicked a sound!!!! It was supposed to be a stupid joke I didn’t know you guys were gonna go dummy with this
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harder than it looks !
In 2002, Charles J. Bishop, a high-school student inspired by the 9/11 attacks, flew an airplane into a skyscraper in Tampa, Florida. There was only one casualty, the boy flying the plane.
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@Cobratate
Man if I were you I’d be thinking about how to get out of JAIL not doing some ballerina ass stretches and bragging about lung capacity
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The cat is out of the bag. Please support our new show
@paypigspod
. More info coming REAL soon. We love you.
📸:
@ipodmacbook
🎨:
@philorphilip
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It’s my god given right to the call the cops on my own party if I wanna go to bed
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i know what i'm drinking tonight
Megyn Kelly says drinking Bud Light is like giving ‘a middle finger to women’
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always thinking about that little p in raspberries. what’s he even doing there
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Hi I’m Emil DeRosa and I’m reading for the part of Guy Who Stopped Saying the R Word in 2019 But Really Only Around Women
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Someone asked me on a date recently what my long term plan was and I said “die.”
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I need a project. I wanna like break a friend up with his gf or something. Idk! Something fun.
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I also cheated on my wife but you don’t see me bragging about it
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If I was Jewish I would’ve told my parents i wanted my bar mitzvah theme to be “getting sucked off”
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i got nothing useful to add. these college students are heroic. anyone in a position of power in this country is a piss pants coward freak. free palestine 🇵🇸
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The best part about psychedelics is the deep insight you gain
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Should I pay my rent today or make my landlord sweat it out a bit
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@benshapiro
Barbie movie made me gay. Can I come on and talk about it? About how I’m gay now cuz the Barbie movie? And trans. I’m trans now too. Cuz the freakin Barbie movie.
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we’re so back
Pope Francis says sexual pleasure is 'a gift from God'
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The only time I truly feel alive is when I ask the waiter which dish he likes better and then order the other one
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“Big fan of your work.” - Me, meeting Osama bin laden in heaven
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day three of no sweet treats. feel like shit. i just want her back
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I like when guys I’ve just met tell me they used to have long hair too and I get to sit there as they scroll through their phone for a good picture of them with long hair. It’s fun for me. I enjoy saying “nice, man” when they show me the picture. I live for that shit.
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every day i log on to twitter dot com to hang out with my friends while we wait for 5 rich guys to die
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Based on what fuckin likes tho? Which likes you made you think I wanna see this reject? Anyone else’s feed weirdly showing them shit they would never interact with recently?
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I feel like people don’t talk about the social media thing where a person you like and consider a dear friend is kind of insufferable on social media so you weirdly hate them when you’re apart but every time you see them in person you go ���oh ya love this guy”
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Hey man thanks for having me at your family’s summer house. Just wanted to apologize again for saying “kind of a hot mom dot com” when I met your parents. Really hope I’ll be invited back.
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parting my hair a different way to see if it makes me less depressed
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My new health insurance doesn’t start until Friday so if you’re planning on kicking my ass or something please wait till then
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Inside you there are two wolves
I am so conflicted if I am a Bencel or an Emilhead. I am slightly jacked and vegetarian but I also like airplanes and doing little tasks
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*watching porn with a friend* do you think Squirtz is her real last name?
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@Cobratate
i like thinking about you asking your friends to take pictures of you. "will you get a picture of me doing a cool karate thing in front of these mountains?" v cute bb
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you’re a coward if you use the “and others” setting on Instagram. Let the post flop. Who cares.
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nobody will be laughing at me anymore when I get a weird hot Christian gf
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If your name is Kale don’t fuckin say shit to me. I don’t wanna hear any of that noise. Salad ass name
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You’re in her DMs. I found out where her birthday party was using my burner account and I’m- ow ow fuck dude that hurts okay I’m leaving just let go ow god damn
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Thinking about jimmy fallons face when Jonah Hill started telling people to call their reps about the climate emergency act
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idk i kinda like that there are american cities where if you try to walk somewhere instead of drive the cops will come and ask you just what the hell you think you’re doing. i think that’s cool
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There’s nothing quite like a really satisfying lunch. When a lunch just hits right. You got your whole day ahead of you. Feeling good. Fuck yes. So fuckin good.
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fuckin beautiful 🤌🏼🤌🏼🤌🏼
Fox News tried to do a bunch of scary man-on-the-street interviews about crime. It didn't go well.
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been saying “does will smith puke when he cums?” instead of “does a bear shit in the woods?”
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we need to talk about how expensive nightstands are. the thing we put our phone and a cup of water on when we go to sleep.
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Look at this little fuckin worm
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I will not be seeing the new Batman out of respect for the actual World’s Greatest Detective: Columbo
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insane that we’re going to see in real time people admitting how many dead children they can stomach before they throw the towel in
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Why would millions of years of evolution give me OCD? God gave me OCD that mf
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The nice thing about COVID coming in waves is it gives us plenty of time to reflect, learn, and plan before we do absolutely nothing.
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Don’t know what Tucker Carlson is complaining about. I jacked it to the new M&Ms just fine. Sounds like a you problem my man
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I just think if the waiter can see that you’re clearly on a date he should tell you the sandwich you ordered is very unwieldy and you’ll look stupid eating it !
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I think everybody is lying about liking playing golf and they’re all just too far gone to admit that it actually sucks and is stupid so they have to walk around looking for their little white ball all day like a jackass every Sunday and that sucks
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love to get in the shower and think about all the people I was supposed to text
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I want you to know that it fuckin stresses me out when you show me something on your phone and I can see you have like 173 unread messages
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my feed is full of losers traveling abroad and then complaining about it. is it just a product of everyone needing a hot take or what are we doing here?
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Dying in a bar fight cuz someone said “nice shirt” and I wasn’t sure if they were making fun of me or not
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@kevinolearytv
you should come on our show and talk about how your wife left you, and your dog left, and how your mother hates you
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This is for women who put pictures of their feet on their dating profiles only. If you’re not a woman who puts pictures of her feet on her dating profile stop reading. Ok. Haha hi how’s it going, how are you doing?
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Being good my whole life so I can get into heaven and kick god’s ass
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Sorry I took so long to answer your text. my friend was sending me TikToks of a large breasted woman preparing her house for the hurricane
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Raya seems to have gotten way less strict with who they let on so it’s fun to swipe- they’re like we think you might like Halsey orrrrrrrrr Rachel, a speech language pathologist from Tulsa
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a month ago i drunkenly told my friends i could eat 50 apples in a day (not only could i do it but it would be easy) and now they want me to make good and it fucking sucks. admit i might've been wrong or try to eat 50 apples?
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Kind of annoying the best blood pressure reading you can get is “normal.” I’m trying to knock it out of the park when I put that cuff on
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Just be a dentist man
if you’re going to promote your business on Tiktok, this is how it should be done
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I can’t tell you how badly I want a night out with these christian mean girls
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A lot of you fuckin say movie theAter and what’s the deal with that ???
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@Buncahn
Wtf it gave my phone a virus!! When I put in the code it just shows a picture of you and he screams “I’ve got gaaas” but it sounds like Wario. Ben you better FIX THIS.
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Excited for another weekend of reading things people write about me on the internet and internalizing it
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The “hah no I’ve never seen that stand up bit” to “ope you’re gonna do it for me” pipeline
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